A little about myself. At the time I am writing this I am 65 years old. Here is my life story as it relates to my sexual addiction. I?m calling my issue a sexual addiction because although it now involves porn it didn?t start that way and I had the problem before I discovered porn. These are some of the details on how I got started so you will have some background. I?ll just briefly list some of the experiences, enough to give you an idea of the depth of this addiction. I will then describe a few of the attempts to stop and end with my current status.
It?s a long story of 50 plus years. God just typing that makes me want to throw in the towel. I will soon be 66 years old and have had this problem since I was at least 11-12 years old, if I get technical maybe before then. In fact I sometime wonder if I didn't inherit it because I know my father and mother had issues related to sex.
If I go back in time my first memories of sex are a group of us boys standing around and one particular boy who it seems had only one topic of conversation and it was sex. In fact until then none of us guys ever talked about sex that I can recall. This guy was new, was older and commanded our attention with his stories. One particular story was on masturbation. I'm around 11 years old and this is all news to me. What? That's right I had no idea what it was. So why do I say if I get technical it was before then? I can recall when I was around 5 or 6 years old and I was laying on the kitchen floor and my mom was cooking and I was looking up here dress. I wasn't looking to see anything, honest. But my mom said, "don't do that, that's nasty." Nasty? What does she mean by that? I didn't know what she meant but from the way she said it must be bad.
I grew up in the country on a small farm. When we first moved there we lived in the garage while my dad remodeled the house. We had no neighbors even though just down the road there was dairy and a house. The person who owned the dairy and house didn't live in it. His wife died and when she died he moved out of the house and left everything as it was when she died. But he still worked the dairy and was there at least twice a day so he still had a phone and electric to the house. We live there a few years then move to another town about 20 miles away but only lived there a short time before moving back. But it was during the time we had moved away my mom met someone and they continued seeing each other after we moved back.
What I am about to describe next I have pieced together from what I have been told because I literally have no memory of any of it except the gunshot. It has just been recently that my dad told me some of what happen that night. He said he suspicioned something was going on and had begun to track the miles my mom was driving when she said she was going to town and figured out she wasn?t going to the store. He said she met a known local womanizer there where we once lived and was driving over to that town to meet him. At the time my dad worked a graveyard shift at a factory and that presented an opportunity for her lover to sneak over to our house. My sister says she knew my mom was doing this and saw them together but I never did. One night my dad altered his routine and came home early. I don?t know if he was trying to catch them or it just happen. We had already gone to bed and were asleep when we awakened by a shotgun blast. What had happen was when my mom heard my dad drive up she ran out of the house with her lover to the neighbors abandon house. I don?t know if my dad saw them leave or not but he knew they were outside somewhere and to get their attention and vent his anger he got his shotgun and fire it into the ground.
From the abandon house my mother called the police and told them that my dad had a gun and was shooting at them. The police came out arrested him and that is all I know even though I was there. I don?t recall the police coming out. I don?t recall if my mom came back home. I don?t recall the next day or anything else, I guess in order to cope I just blocked it from my memory. I don?t recall seeing my mom or dad again for a period of time. What I do recall is staying with my with my grandparents who lived just a couple of miles away. I also recall the day my dad came back. I don't recall seeing my mom again until I graduated from 8th grade.
My dad remarried within a very short time I would say it was within months after the divorce and then we were back at that house for only a short time. He sub-divide the property he owned sold that house and built another house next door. He bought a small travel trailer and we lived in it while he built the new home we were to live in. I explain all of this because that is when and where it all began.
I am now somewhere around 12 and had been curious about what that guy from school had said and the way he told it caused me to want to try it. But living in a camp trailer with 4 other people where was I going to find any privacy. The only place I could find was an old car we had which was covered with a tarp. It was a cold winter day when I crawled inside of that car. It was dark, cold and lonely. I found it felt good doing what that guy suggested and when I had an orgasm it felt really good. I think for the first time in my life I had something that made me feel good. But where it happened and the way it happened also serves as metaphor for my life. It seems whenever I have had times in my life where things are dark, cold and lonely the one place I could go to find comfort and make myself feel better was sex and the most reliable has been masturbation.
But it soon wasn?t just masturbation. It accelerated from there like a rocket ship and quickly it was bestiality, voyeurism, exposing myself, and one brief act of homosexuality. Up to this point I hadn?t even seen one picture of porn. Then one day I did find some porn my dad had hidden and it was no playboy. It was hardcore. One of the pictures was burned into my memory and what it showed is the one big thing I am hooked on. The excitement it cause was beyond anything I had ever experienced. So before I am a teenager I am addicted to whatever will get me to that place that will make me feel good.
When I got into high school I was so shy I couldn?t hardly speak to girls. Looking back if I hadn?t been so shy I probably could have had girlfriends. I only say that because when I look at pictures of myself from that time there is no denying I was a good looking guy. Think of Ricky Nelson and you have an idea. It wasn?t until I was a junior in high school that I attempted to even ask a girl out and I would not have done that if she hadn?t called me first. I only dated two girls in high school one I married the other I committed adultery with.
I was only 17 when I married. My wife and I both had high sex drives and I couldn?t tell how many times we had sex before we married. Once I started having normal sex all other forms of sex disappeared. I didn?t even think about them. Once we married things went along pretty good. It wasn?t until my wife wanted to go camping one summer with her parents that things changed. By this time we had two little girls. Anyway my wife asked if she could go and I said sure but after I said it was okay I felt in my gut something wasn?t right but couldn?t explain it and I didn?t pay any attention to it. Once she had left to go camping the only way I can explain it is I felt abandoned. I couldn?t tell you why but after all these years I would say it had something to do with the way my mom abandoned the family. Anyway, I don?t know how I knew where the only other girl I had dated was even living at the time but I found her and went to see her and when I did I had sex with her that very day. I spent night with her and that was it. Later my wife found out about it and confront me. I confessed and admitted it. I can?t explain why but thought of losing my wife terrified me and I was willing to do anything to not lose her, in fact we are still married. For the most part it has been a good marriage but it hasn?t been easy. But after that incident I returned to masturbation like I had done before I married. I am not a womanizer but like I said anything that cause me to feel bad I quickly try to relieve by turning to masturbation. So I went through buying books and hiding them and my wife finding them. Buying movies and hiding those which my wife never found. Throwing away books, throwing away movies and then buying them and then throwing them away.
It wasn?t until I got into my late twenties that I began to try and stop doing all the destructive behaviors. Before that I felt little shame. But then I began to feel ashamed of behaving that way and wanted to stop but couldn?t. Years later when I was in my forties there was a brief time I tried prostitutes and massage parlors but that only lasted a short time. It was just too much trouble. Buying a book or going to an xxx movie was so much easier. So that was my primary means until the internet came along. Now it is my only means, it?s so much easier and private. Almost the perfect solution to my problem except it never satisfies. Yeah, for the moment but then a day or two I am looking at it again. So here I am now at 65 years old still masturbating still going through the same old routines. I don?t know if I can quit, I think the most time I have ever had was about 90 days. When I had the brief time it felt good to not be doing those things but after that short time I resumed my old habits.
A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend of my mind who is a psychologist and he was telling me that research shows the brain of a male is not fully formed until they are around twenty five. Now I am learning that porn can damage the brain. I guess mine was damaged before it even had a chance to fully develop. When I think about how quickly I progressed from masturbation to bestiality, self-exposure and that one act of homosexuality at such a young age I?m amazes that this problem has not progressed to something that is even worst so I guess I can be thankful for that.
So that is my story and I now have about 5 days of not engaging in masturbation but that is not a big deal. The test for me will be when something happens that is stressful or causes me to feel lonely, bored or worried. Those are the kinds of things that trigger my turning to masturbation.
4/19/14 I have a question and I guess I can ask it here. I am wondering how others deal with this. When I start having a thought that gets me off track it seems like there is no turning back. I can get involved in something else to distract myself for hours but then when that distraction is over I'm right where I was before. It seems to me I have to block that thought before it has a chance to take hold because once it gets a does I can't get rid of it. Any Thoughts?
It?s a long story of 50 plus years. God just typing that makes me want to throw in the towel. I will soon be 66 years old and have had this problem since I was at least 11-12 years old, if I get technical maybe before then. In fact I sometime wonder if I didn't inherit it because I know my father and mother had issues related to sex.
If I go back in time my first memories of sex are a group of us boys standing around and one particular boy who it seems had only one topic of conversation and it was sex. In fact until then none of us guys ever talked about sex that I can recall. This guy was new, was older and commanded our attention with his stories. One particular story was on masturbation. I'm around 11 years old and this is all news to me. What? That's right I had no idea what it was. So why do I say if I get technical it was before then? I can recall when I was around 5 or 6 years old and I was laying on the kitchen floor and my mom was cooking and I was looking up here dress. I wasn't looking to see anything, honest. But my mom said, "don't do that, that's nasty." Nasty? What does she mean by that? I didn't know what she meant but from the way she said it must be bad.
I grew up in the country on a small farm. When we first moved there we lived in the garage while my dad remodeled the house. We had no neighbors even though just down the road there was dairy and a house. The person who owned the dairy and house didn't live in it. His wife died and when she died he moved out of the house and left everything as it was when she died. But he still worked the dairy and was there at least twice a day so he still had a phone and electric to the house. We live there a few years then move to another town about 20 miles away but only lived there a short time before moving back. But it was during the time we had moved away my mom met someone and they continued seeing each other after we moved back.
What I am about to describe next I have pieced together from what I have been told because I literally have no memory of any of it except the gunshot. It has just been recently that my dad told me some of what happen that night. He said he suspicioned something was going on and had begun to track the miles my mom was driving when she said she was going to town and figured out she wasn?t going to the store. He said she met a known local womanizer there where we once lived and was driving over to that town to meet him. At the time my dad worked a graveyard shift at a factory and that presented an opportunity for her lover to sneak over to our house. My sister says she knew my mom was doing this and saw them together but I never did. One night my dad altered his routine and came home early. I don?t know if he was trying to catch them or it just happen. We had already gone to bed and were asleep when we awakened by a shotgun blast. What had happen was when my mom heard my dad drive up she ran out of the house with her lover to the neighbors abandon house. I don?t know if my dad saw them leave or not but he knew they were outside somewhere and to get their attention and vent his anger he got his shotgun and fire it into the ground.
From the abandon house my mother called the police and told them that my dad had a gun and was shooting at them. The police came out arrested him and that is all I know even though I was there. I don?t recall the police coming out. I don?t recall if my mom came back home. I don?t recall the next day or anything else, I guess in order to cope I just blocked it from my memory. I don?t recall seeing my mom or dad again for a period of time. What I do recall is staying with my with my grandparents who lived just a couple of miles away. I also recall the day my dad came back. I don't recall seeing my mom again until I graduated from 8th grade.
My dad remarried within a very short time I would say it was within months after the divorce and then we were back at that house for only a short time. He sub-divide the property he owned sold that house and built another house next door. He bought a small travel trailer and we lived in it while he built the new home we were to live in. I explain all of this because that is when and where it all began.
I am now somewhere around 12 and had been curious about what that guy from school had said and the way he told it caused me to want to try it. But living in a camp trailer with 4 other people where was I going to find any privacy. The only place I could find was an old car we had which was covered with a tarp. It was a cold winter day when I crawled inside of that car. It was dark, cold and lonely. I found it felt good doing what that guy suggested and when I had an orgasm it felt really good. I think for the first time in my life I had something that made me feel good. But where it happened and the way it happened also serves as metaphor for my life. It seems whenever I have had times in my life where things are dark, cold and lonely the one place I could go to find comfort and make myself feel better was sex and the most reliable has been masturbation.
But it soon wasn?t just masturbation. It accelerated from there like a rocket ship and quickly it was bestiality, voyeurism, exposing myself, and one brief act of homosexuality. Up to this point I hadn?t even seen one picture of porn. Then one day I did find some porn my dad had hidden and it was no playboy. It was hardcore. One of the pictures was burned into my memory and what it showed is the one big thing I am hooked on. The excitement it cause was beyond anything I had ever experienced. So before I am a teenager I am addicted to whatever will get me to that place that will make me feel good.
When I got into high school I was so shy I couldn?t hardly speak to girls. Looking back if I hadn?t been so shy I probably could have had girlfriends. I only say that because when I look at pictures of myself from that time there is no denying I was a good looking guy. Think of Ricky Nelson and you have an idea. It wasn?t until I was a junior in high school that I attempted to even ask a girl out and I would not have done that if she hadn?t called me first. I only dated two girls in high school one I married the other I committed adultery with.
I was only 17 when I married. My wife and I both had high sex drives and I couldn?t tell how many times we had sex before we married. Once I started having normal sex all other forms of sex disappeared. I didn?t even think about them. Once we married things went along pretty good. It wasn?t until my wife wanted to go camping one summer with her parents that things changed. By this time we had two little girls. Anyway my wife asked if she could go and I said sure but after I said it was okay I felt in my gut something wasn?t right but couldn?t explain it and I didn?t pay any attention to it. Once she had left to go camping the only way I can explain it is I felt abandoned. I couldn?t tell you why but after all these years I would say it had something to do with the way my mom abandoned the family. Anyway, I don?t know how I knew where the only other girl I had dated was even living at the time but I found her and went to see her and when I did I had sex with her that very day. I spent night with her and that was it. Later my wife found out about it and confront me. I confessed and admitted it. I can?t explain why but thought of losing my wife terrified me and I was willing to do anything to not lose her, in fact we are still married. For the most part it has been a good marriage but it hasn?t been easy. But after that incident I returned to masturbation like I had done before I married. I am not a womanizer but like I said anything that cause me to feel bad I quickly try to relieve by turning to masturbation. So I went through buying books and hiding them and my wife finding them. Buying movies and hiding those which my wife never found. Throwing away books, throwing away movies and then buying them and then throwing them away.
It wasn?t until I got into my late twenties that I began to try and stop doing all the destructive behaviors. Before that I felt little shame. But then I began to feel ashamed of behaving that way and wanted to stop but couldn?t. Years later when I was in my forties there was a brief time I tried prostitutes and massage parlors but that only lasted a short time. It was just too much trouble. Buying a book or going to an xxx movie was so much easier. So that was my primary means until the internet came along. Now it is my only means, it?s so much easier and private. Almost the perfect solution to my problem except it never satisfies. Yeah, for the moment but then a day or two I am looking at it again. So here I am now at 65 years old still masturbating still going through the same old routines. I don?t know if I can quit, I think the most time I have ever had was about 90 days. When I had the brief time it felt good to not be doing those things but after that short time I resumed my old habits.
A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend of my mind who is a psychologist and he was telling me that research shows the brain of a male is not fully formed until they are around twenty five. Now I am learning that porn can damage the brain. I guess mine was damaged before it even had a chance to fully develop. When I think about how quickly I progressed from masturbation to bestiality, self-exposure and that one act of homosexuality at such a young age I?m amazes that this problem has not progressed to something that is even worst so I guess I can be thankful for that.
So that is my story and I now have about 5 days of not engaging in masturbation but that is not a big deal. The test for me will be when something happens that is stressful or causes me to feel lonely, bored or worried. Those are the kinds of things that trigger my turning to masturbation.
4/19/14 I have a question and I guess I can ask it here. I am wondering how others deal with this. When I start having a thought that gets me off track it seems like there is no turning back. I can get involved in something else to distract myself for hours but then when that distraction is over I'm right where I was before. It seems to me I have to block that thought before it has a chance to take hold because once it gets a does I can't get rid of it. Any Thoughts?
) that can lend support or help provide some insight. Sounds like you've already identified some triggers. I'm with you there. Nothing worse than feeling all alone, especially when we know how to get a shot of endorphins from wanking off and that sort of makes things feel better.