Sledge Journal

[Sledge]

Today is day ONE of my reboot!

I'm excited about using this medium to assist me in my journey.
I've been trying to rid myself of this addiction for around 10 years now but have kept the secret to myself.

I'm hoping this forum will give me the vehicle I need to speak out my struggles.
I don't know all the ins and outs of using forums, but I'll figure it out as I progress.

Thanks guys

p.s if I've posted this in the wrong spot or in an incorrect format just let me know.

 

[Stressrelief]

Good luck Sledge!!

May I suggest copious amounts of reading on YBOP. It's helping me understand my feelings and urges.

Can you tell us a little more about yourself.  Are you single/married happy/depressed.  Do you have any hobbies?

I wish you well.

 

[Sledge]

Thanks for the support Stressrelief!

A bit about myself:

I turned 30 a couple months back, which in my mind was the goal age when I wanted this addiction sorted.

I started masturbating at 17.  I was a very innocent child and just thought everyone at school was joking about pornography and masturbating until one day a friend of mine put doubt in my mind that I wasn't normal...  This then stemmed HUGE doubt in my mind and sowed a deep seed that I'm still trying to rid myself of.

Pornography wasn't a factor until I was around 18-19.  It started when we got cable TV and they had the Fashion TV channel with the lingerie segments, the stunning, sophisticated shapely women certainly got my motor running.  I then found myself looking through the TV guide for when those segments were on again & again...  From there I haven't escalated pornography in my live, I only ever view the softcore things.  I find the rest quite repulsive actually.

Then fast track through to today - I'm happily married for 7 years (this year) and have the most beautiful little daughter who's nearly 2.  Her birth was also a point in time I wanted this addiction sorted by, but unfortunately I relapsed on and off over the last couple years still.  I'm a Christian and have been for most of my life, I feel I live a very moral life - except this one area!  I run a business in the local area and would be looked at by my peers as the guy who has it all (as they've told me often).  However this secret has robbed me of enjoying my life to it's full extent for a long time now and I'm definitely ready for it to stop!

PMO has affected the way I look at my wife and all other girls for that matter, it has desensitised me to a point that I was looking at girls as fleshly objects only.

I'm on day TWO of my reboot now and intend on posting every single day on this site.  I've tried most other measures before (gym, sports etc.) and all have worked to a certain degree, the trigger for me is when I'm on my own.  Whether it be at work or at home, I get bored and tempted extremely quickly!  I shock myself when I think I'm going well and then in the blink of an eye have allowed myself to go down the all too familiar road of PMO again!

Thanks heaps for the support guys!  I'm only too happy to answer any and all questions people may have along the way - but as I intend this as a long journal I didn't want to throw everything out there in the very first message...

 

[Stressrelief]

I have to admit Sledge that at times I feared coming home because I knew it will only be a matter of time before I'm MPO'd and once finished then I would be so-oo angry with myself. 

We both need to break that cycle with either hobbies, mediation, new friends or something!  I have also notice I can be antisocial and I blame MPO.

To be honest I'm looking forward to having new energy and a new life.  I usually feel so very tired sitting in front of a computer screen for hours at an end and it is boring. I know I'm addicted I just found it difficult to stop.

Good luck with day two Sledge and please watch the YouTube videos on YBOP.

 

[fcjl8]

Best wishes sledge, great that you are tackling this at such a young age!! Brilliant... take it one day at a time!

I have made a lot of progress and I have a couple of decades more use than you, so you can do it!

 

[Sledge]

Thanks fcjl8!  Really inspiring to see people achieving their goals!

My biggest issue is my work and home life - on a Monday/Tuesday I'm in the office by myself all day as other staff have this off. 
Same goes for at home, Monday/Tuesday my wife is working out of town so stays the night elsewhere.

These are my two IMMEDIATE threats to address as they are where I'm the most vulnerable...
Over the past 10 odd years the longest I've managed without P or M at was 30 days, so this is the first goal I have set for myself.

I agree with the one day at a time mentality, and by setting myself short-term goals it makes the overall goal seem more achievable.
Third day in and I haven't had any urges.  A friend on facebook who likes fitness pages is getting blocked today as it keeps throwing up photos of girls at the gym with amazingly toned bodies in thongs etc.  Gotta protect my eyes or I'm letting myself entertain bad thoughts.

I'll hit up YBOP a bit each day to keep it fresh, thanks again Stressrelief!

 

[CrazyGopher]

Sounds like a good strategy to protect your eyes from those images, man. I find its soooooo much easier when I don't look at that kind of stuff.

Good luck on your 30 days goal! I am hoping to reach it as well.

 

[Sledge]

Still truckin!  Apart from a topless woman in a TV show last night (which I avoided looking at as soon as it popped up) I have maintained a pretty clean and clear head still.
I'm reading the Wolf of Wall Street at the moment, and that can get pretty graphic.  But I'm keeping my imagination under wraps to avoid then searching out images etc.

Onward and upward!

 

[Sledge]

Another day down!

There were a couple small distractions yesterday but I arrested my thoughts and didn't entertain them longer than required;
1. Watching True Detective and there was a very attractive naked lady in a sex scene - FAST FORWARD
2. Heard on the radio about Kim Kardashian having some scandalous shots or something - IGNORED and didn't go to the internet to find them

I know these are only small things, but it's an accomplishment to simply disregard the regular actions my brain would put into place!

 

[Stressrelief]

Sledge this is not easy and the craving is going to take time to go away. 

Hang in there!

 

[shake19]

Sledge, they may be only small things but for man who is conscious about the addiction and conscious about the harm that such images can cause it is a huge challange to not crave for them. It is great that you [being husband and father] still want to improve yourself and you do not stagnate. Every next day of withstanding without "fake arousing" your family and of course you will benefit a lot! In my opinion porn-addiction is making us [males] desensitised and what is the worst, we look at woman as objects - it is very unfair for them.

I wish all the best for you, keep it up and never let yourself down! You and your family need it.

 

[Sledge]

Thanks guys!

Well the weekend is over here (in AUS) and all went without a hitch.  Our daughter was playing up a bit at night/evening times so it meant mummy and daddy couldn't have any 'alone' time either.  However I think this is good for me to 'pass the test' I guess.  Usually whenever I couldn't get something from my wife I would jump straight to porn come Monday morning at the office.

Today and tomorrow are my office days with no one around, so I've tried to fill both days with tasks that need to be done.
Tonight with my wife away I have booked a movie session with some friends to keep me occupied.  I realise being alone is detrimental to my recovery so am avoiding it at all costs.

I'm really excited about succeeding through these next 2 days!  Wish me luck

 

[Sledge]

Wow yesterday was a trying day!!

I found my mind wandering to topless scenes I'd seen in the TV show throughout the week often.  I'm proud to say I managed to resist it going any further.
My wife had a car crash out of town (only small thankfully) which stressed me out.  My immediate though process was to think of stress relief!

I pursued through and still went to the movies with some friends, then so as to not go home and have lots of time to myself we went back to a friends apartment until around 10:00 pm.
Then it was MUCH easier to simply drive home and go to sleep.

Day 1 of alone - DONE!

 

[Stressrelief]

Well done Sledge. I think it's difficult to break a habit and it will not happen over night.  Some say the cravings or that feeling of a build up of pressure will go away, but I think it may take time to put in place new habits.  It will also take time to accept these new habits as normal.

You also need to think of a new way to cope with pressure and deliver the stress relief that PMO was achieving.  May I suggest mediation, a fitness activity or a new hobby.

It's difficult, don't be surprised when it isn't easy and remember along with bad days there are good days to look forward to. 

 

[Sledge]

Another day down!

Actually enjoyed yesterday and spent some time with family after driving to collect my wife from out of town.
She's back in the house now and am confident in continuing my progress.

I really do need to get back to the gym Stressrelief!  I used to go OFTEN, but this year has been busy and it's just not happening...
That's the next step!  Cheers again

 

[shake19]

I am glad that you are confident in continuing your progress and wish that you will keep your confidence forever, so you will break free from the addiction and will see the life in many more colors.

Do you already enjoy e.g. your family-life more than you did while being in PMO?

I am sure that your environment (especially your family) will benefit a lot having you free from PMO.

I wish you all the best and don't let yourself down.

 

[Sledge]

Hey shake19, I would probably say that 'yes' I do already enjoy family time more than I did a month ago.

Whilst I have lasted longer than this from PMO before, my head feels in a much better space than ever before from using a forum and getting it out there for people to see.
The addiction was always something I kept as a secret and that was it's true power over me!  I feel such a weight off my chest by journaling on here.

My thoughts are clearer at work, I'm more productive also.  win/win/win!
Thanks for the support!

As for my daily journal - yesterday went without a hitch!  I did find myself looking at girls in sports clothes at the shopping centres etc.
This is something I will continue to work through as time goes by...

 

[Sledge]

Still progressing on day by day.  No stumbling!
I realise I have to keep my focus on a daily basis, rather than getting caught up in trying to reach a 'target'.

I see that if I set a target in my mind it will inevitably become harder and harder as that target gets closer.
Much like you always seem to REALLY need the toilet JUST before you reach your destination after a long car ride.

One day at a time!

 

[FindingSanctuary]

Sledge,

I just read through your journal: congratulation on joining in this ride. It may at times be a trying one, but it's the right journey.

Peace, FS

 

[shake19]

That's right Sledge, the more you think about the goal the more weakened and sensitive you may be.

I love to see that such simple thing as this forum and community that consists of strangers are able to make our life much better, living without such an awful addiction.

Great job Sledge, as you made it for 12 [hard] days you are able to make it forever. Keep going and enjoy your life free from PMO!