I want this more than anything else in this world, with every fiber of my being.

My story is not much different than anyone else.

Started masturbating at 10 or 11, using porn by 12 or 13. Firmly addicted by 14. Using ever since.

I have been on yourbrainrebalanced for 1 year and 2 months, I had 130 days free of pornography about a month and a half ago. I was 100% confident that I was done with pornography for good. Although a relapse came and have been struggling to get back on it with the same intensity. I feel this forum can be a fresh start to moving on from the curse for good.

I will read up on YBOP more than ever and get as much knowledge as I can to apply towards this thing.

I never want to touch porn again. You can never get enough, it takes your life away, your peace away, your freedom away. It will rob you of everything good you have in your life. It will make it to where you cannot be around the people you are closest to. This stuff eats away at your soul.

My goals? To leave behind this addiction for good. To have healthy erections. To be able to experience intimacy with a woman with a clean slate on sexuality. To enjoy the love of a beautiful woman and be able to receive it and give love back. To build confidence in myself and a belief that I can do anything I put my mind. To think positive about myself and positively about my outlook on life. To improve my career, to go after every day trying to be productive and do good. To change the way I look at sex, and how it pertains to me, altogether.

I want to spend my energy on things that matter, not on searching for the absolute filth you can find on the internet. Where you choose to spend your energy, and how you choose to spend your energy, is what makes your life.

Most of all I just want to make a life that matters. Make a life that's worth living, that I can look at, at the end of my days and be proud of what I've done. With a good family beside me, and a life that's full of love.

If I could sum up my opinion of porn in 4 words it would be: Pain, Shame and Prison.

I don't want to have to worry about sex anymore, I don't want to have to worry about porn anymore, and I don't want to have to worry about any of the shame that goes along with it.

I just want to be done with it, living my life free from the bonds that it has put me in.

This, is my purpose. And I will treat it as such. I have so many things I want to do. But this is it. This is my time. This is my devotion, this is my study. This is my blood, sweat and tears.

 
Day 6

I was reminded of something today. I was listening to "The Alchemist" audio book, and it says when you really want something, the universe conspires to help you with gaining that thing.

I remember as I started my new job about a month ago, I kept telling myself and made it very CLEAR, that "I really really want to be the best salesman with the company", while I'm not there yet, I have made huge strides as of late. So I think I will try to make it very clear to myself that I really really want to move on from porn for good.

I feel confident in my never wanting to watch porn again. I really don't ever want to see that evil stuff again. I'd like to get out there in the world, get some dating experience in, I know when I've had success with women in the past it made me feel so good, like I had accomplished something that I really wanted.

So day 6 here I am, with this journey the key is MOVEMENT. In anything, mentally, physically, spiritually, staying active in what I do. Sitting at home on the couch every night will not cut it (although I did that tonight, but I spent time with my mother and my dog).

My confidence building affirmation that has worked wonders for me that last week : I can accomplish any task at hand. Ask myself : What is my task? Then move towards that.

I have to remind myself that confidence is not permanent, I'm sure you can build up a tolerance so to speak (a stronger average confidence level), but it goes up and down. It's my job to build my confidence up as much as I can. It's developing a skill, confidence and belief in yourself is a SKILL. Practice it often.

Had a great day at work the other day, I only worked 2 days this week and met quota. It felt great, my confidence was sky high, I felt like I could say anything and as much as I wanted and get away with it. I thought to myself, "just imagine what it will feel like when you've got your extremely successful business, the love of a beautiful girlfriend and the equipment and mental capacity to make it all happen." The confidence level will be through the roof.

That's what I'm after. I feel like I'm back on track, and I hope to leave pornography in the past, permanently.

 
Hi buddy,

You seems to be very motivated, and you already had 130 days free of pornography! With this two facts in mind, I can tell that you have no reasons not to succeed :)

It's also great that you have a job that you seems to enjoy a lot and that you also seems to be very good a it. I think one of the key to erase porn addiction, is to focus on something else, to keep yourself busy as often as possible, to discover a new passion, etc...

Don't give up! I believe in you, and I'm sure that deep inside yourself, you too believe you can do it :)

Good luck
 
Never_again said:
Hi buddy,

You seems to be very motivated, and you already had 130 days free of pornography! With this two facts in mind, I can tell that you have no reasons not to succeed :)

It's also great that you have a job that you seems to enjoy a lot and that you also seems to be very good a it. I think one of the key to erase porn addiction, is to focus on something else, to keep yourself busy as often as possible, to discover a new passion, etc...

Don't give up! I believe in you, and I'm sure that deep inside yourself, you too believe you can do it :)

Good luck

Thanks very much. I will beat this thing at all costs. I try to stay positive with things but it definitely helps to have an outside perspective of the good things I have going on in my life, so thanks for that.
 
Day 2

My goal is the beat this addiction permanently. To quit porn for good. To leave this drug behind for the rest of my life, to never look at porn again.

To do that, when the urge hits on day 3, or 5, or 8, I need to be able to say no, and remember that to never look at porn again, I have to get past the withdrawals and redirect that energy somewhere else.

Hung out with my sister today, and talked to some new people, went out, then got the rest of the days off so I just hung out with my family. Got work tonight though, about to go after I finish this post.

I need to start looking at my priorities sheet more. I will look at that before I leave for work tonight. I would like to kill this procrastination, and get better at focusing in the moment, Underdog from yourbrainrebalanced suggested a book I might check it out, I just have soooo many books I want to read, but I don't really do it. It would help to try to focus on increasing my motivation for productivity and life/self improvement.

To leave porn behind for good, I need to say no when the urges come, and redirect my energy somewhere else. Let's see what we can do. As soon as I make a post or am about to make a post is a huge trigger time for me. So I made this in the living room while my mother is up & before I go to work. This is how I need to do it from now on. I will not touch the computer when I get home tonight.
 
Day 5

Okay so I'm at day 5, the momentum is slowly swinging in my favor. I count this as only a small victory, as I've masturbated 3 times, one to a phone sex chatline and last night I tried to use it again but couldn't connect so I masturbated almost to porn fantasy.

At the end of the day, the reason I'm doing this is to remove all traces of pornography from my sexuality, the ED, the shame, the fantasy, the constant forced thoughts of sex. The only way to do this is to cut out orgasm and masturbation completely. I went 130 days being caught in the midst of constant masturbation, there was progress, but it took me a long time to get there. I want quicker and more efficient results this time.

Having 5 days clean, with three orgasms and forced masturbation through a phone sex chat line, is as close to prison as you can get. So what I'm going to do is have 2 trackers, one for yourbrainrebalanced, and one for here, the other one I'm gonna use to track strictly PMO, the one on here I will use to track orgasms. My goal is 60 days free of orgasm.

My biggest trigger time is right after I get home from work, late at night. If I don't jack off and cut off any thoughts of sex after work and late at night, i will never use pornography again. This is my time of weakness, lets turn it into a time of strength.

If I can go 60 days without orgasm I will feel so great, I feel so free when I am without orgasm. I feel like I can go out and face the world, I feel like I can have my self respect and love myself for who I am. Think of how bad you feel after the fact, think of how you can be in the midst of seeking your addiction and telling yourself "you really don't want to do this" and KNOW it to be true. Think of the freedom you can have with this disease out of your life.

You can have every other dream in your life come true, and it still will not be enough with pornography involved, you can never get enough of this stuff, you can have everything in the world going for you but it mean NOTHING if you have porn in your life. It will keep taking and taking and give you nothing but a shameful, painful orgasm.

These next 60 days I want to really look at this thing as a rehab time. Time to really crack down and knock this thing out. In 60 days you can be moving on to the place where you want to be as far as freedom from porn.

Will your life do a complete 180? Absolutely not, but you will be at the place where you feel good about yourself, feel about where you're going and feel good about your method to get there. I want that so bad, LETS GET TO THAT FUCKING PLACE.


Things I need to do for these 60 days...
-Focus in the moment, don't put it off for later, DO IT NOW, now is the only time in your life that's guaranteed.
-Don't put it off, you have limited time on this is, YOU HAVE LIMITED TIME IN YOUR 20'S, MAKE THE MOST OF THAT TIME!
-Read priorities list everyday, even if you just read it and do nothing else with it
-No pornography
-No fantasy
-No masturbation
-No music
-Cardio every day, in the gym or go running
-2 minutes of meditation every day
-Read the bible, even if it's only one verse
-Get on your knees and pray when waking and going to bed
-Keep room/car/body clean, brush teeth immediately when waking up
-Still do gym time
-Understand it's gonna take time


These are all small committments, just look at them as small commitments, everything doesn't have to be knocked out at once.

I really want to get to the place where I have a strong sense of self love again, towards the end of my 130 days I really was starting to grow in that feeling even more and more, I want to get there again.
 
Day 3

Day 15 without porn, I am trying to tell myself I am going to do this thing cold turkey.

To be healed I have to quit masturbating, and I've been telling myself that now is the best time to do that.

Been reading up on YBOP a good bit lately, and I think that really helps, shows you the good to come from leaving porn behind and mastering the skill of not masturbating. This recovery has to be about self improvement. What can I do to better myself??? That's what it's all about.

I plan on keeping away from masturbation and getting in this flatline.

One thing I read from my priorites and ideals checklist is visualize yourself with the skills you want mastered. Like cooking, working out/being in good shape, being good at small talking with the ladies, abstaining from orgasm, praying.

Practice vision of skills mastered. This is the motivation. So much good can come from having good habits and mastering those habits.

I have to force myself to do the things I need to be done. I have to force myself in the moment, I have to focus in the present moment. I have to force myself to stay focused on self improvement.
 
Day 4

Really am getting better at controlling my orgasms. My last streak was 4 days and 3 hours, and only one orgasm in between that and where I'm at now. I've been telling myself that in order to be fully healed I need to quit masturbating, and telling myself that now is the time.

Also I've been taking the cold turkey approach with everything, not allowing fantasy, no rubbing on my junk as a habit, not playing with the thought of masturbation and thoughts of forcing an orgasm. I've just been letting things ride, and another big thing is that when I do feel the urge to PMO I havn't substituted it with MO like I have in the past. I have just redirected my energy to other things. All in all I'm doing pretty good. And I feel confident in simply being me. People respect me because I respect myself :)
 
Day 0

Orgasmed, called a sex chatline. Didn't even bust on the call. Just masturbated after to hardcore fantasy. I feel so fucking shitty after this shit man.

Like there's a girl on the site iv talked to that I really connected with when I was on that was messaging but I needed a more hardcore genre to getting off. That's what this porn shit does. It takes away your chance at love...

Iv gotten better at controlling my masturbation. That's a positive, but now it's time to completely cut it out. It makes me feel so fucking shitty. It actually has made me feel a lot worse than it used to. I don't even enjoy it at all anymore. I need to remember how shorty it makes me feel. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

Masturbation takes away your ability to give and receive love... I'm just not gonna go there anymore. Iv got to cut out my hardcore fetishes.
 
Day 1

Felt like absolute shit all day. Called out of my second job and slept all day.

The shame that this addiction brings is beyond anything else I could possibly imagine. I want to leave behind these pains forever. And the only way to do that is to abstain from masturbation. I have to let myself fully heal. And the only way to do that is to face the withdrAwals and go into flatline. 4 days clean is not cutting it. It's time to step this shit up, if it's the last thing I do.

I can do this. Iv gotten better with the consistency. That's for sure. Time to do even better.

#1- I don't want to be this guy anymore. I am not this guy. Pornography and sex addiction has led me to this place. A place where I cannot accept love, a place where love has been offered but cannot be received. A place of loneliness, a place where your paralyzed, a place were you'll do things you dont want to do just to get your high.

It's just not worth it. Not worth the pain, the hate, the few minutes of "pleasure". Sin is never worth it in the end. It always comes back to you.

#2- I want to be the good man that I can be. That lives above the worldly temptations. That controls his urges and has his priorities straight. A man that lives above the worlds standard. That loves others. That can accept love, and intimacy. That can start a family, and have a wife, and beautiful children, and give love back to them. A man that can accept a woman's interest, and affection, and love, and truly APPRECIATE it, even though it may be different, and a little bit scary at first. A man that's lives up to his potential, that doesn't waste his time, that is a strong & focused worker, who provides for his family and takes care of himself and others. A man that conquers his goals, and faces adversity with strength. A man with many interests, and looks for the good in people. I have to strive to be this man. I have to feed the right wolf. I have let the good outweigh the evil. Lord help me.
 

noises1990

Active Member
Good thing that you set your goals! I like what you said, just keep focusing on them! You can do this man, you can be the best version of yourself, it just takes a few fights with yourself to get there!

Stay strong and confident bro!
 

jnv

Well-Known Member
Stay focus man. I can relate a lot to this and btw I like the title of your journal! :)

I wouldn't call M a "sin", I think that it's something natural when done normally, but just like everything else, too much of sometinhg is just too much and you start seeing bad consequences.
I do feel the same way, I don't like the moment following the seconds of pleasure after we are done PMOing, the depression-like feeling and it's one of the reason why I want to stop P definitively.
 
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