sick and tired and hopeful

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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
  Not sure why the thought of this journal is making me so nervous.
  I'm on day 8 of my reboot and am very glad to have found this site and YBOP. I'm tired of living the lie and living in fear of what would happen if my wife found out. I want to be able to look at myself and like what I see.
  I'm a 31 year old recovering alcoholic and I haven't had a drink or a drug in 9 years. But I have had this P and M addiction since before I ever drank and long after. I would love to be truly sober.
  Right now I am very afraid of not being able to quit. I have tried so many times in the last 20 years that I just have this constant nagging doubt in the back of my mind. I just want to do something that works. I have had a few two week streaks but I have also seen those streaks vanish for apparently no reason. It's like my brain does a complete flip in the blink of an eye and then is wired for P more seriously than ever.
  I do feel some hope now.
 
Gwynbleidd

Gwynbleidd

Member
Hi Pinkerton,

you are two days ahead of me and I wish you all the best in the world for the reboot.

I personally think its important that you do the reboot for yourself and not for your wife or anybody else. My experience is that it almost never worked when I was doing stuff for other people (quit smoking, be more cleaner, not gaming so much) but I achieve it when I do this for myself. I think if you really want it and have a goal and a long term effect in mind and believe in it and remember it - it will work.
 
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benhj

Active Member
Hey Pinkerton, first of all welcome and know that you will never have to be alone again. This is a journey that we can do together, one day at a time. Keep it in the present. Take care of today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Congrats on the 8 days man, that's awesome!
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Thank you for the encouragement. Day nine now. So far so good but the day is young. The strangest things seem to be triggers but I am trying to just stamp out any thoughts or flashbacks immediately. I don't know if I'm thinking of sexual things more since I'm trying to quit or if I am just more aware of my thoughts now.
  One day at a time. I know it can get better and the thought of a healthier brain and body is very encouraging.
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Ten days.  Being so busy helps but there is always going to be down time. That is definitely a dangerous time for me.
  Since this problem is a secret then this recovery has to be a secret. Except for all of you of course. But that also means that my sec life with my wife must continue. I'm not complaining, I just worry it may interfere with my brain trying to get rewired. I don't ever fantasize with her but I've realized that I have tried to 'pornify' our sex at times and I don't want to do that. It's just another way for my rat brain to hit the dopamine button.
Don't have much to say now. Going to read some other journals; I do find those to be helpful.
 
Fappy

Fappy

Respected Member
Going on track mate!
Remember, a day without tossing to porn is a good day.

Fap
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Day thirteen no P or M. Spent the weekend moving to a new house, makes it easier to keep clean when you have no free time or privacy. I think I'm much more irritable though. I'm usually so mellow but lately it is harder to put up with everyday b.s.  Also, I think no PM makes me more confident. Sometimes to the point of being cocky or arrogant. Hopefully that's just cut I've been so damn cranky. Who knows, maybe I've been a prick all along but my P addicted brain was too messed up to know it.
Thanks to Fap and benhj for the encouraging words.  Later
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Fourteenth day no PM. Last time I fell on the fifteenth day. Beware the ides of Reboot. I am feeling good and lucky to have made it this far. I am setting a goal now to make it 21 days.  I hope I get there. God willing, maybe I shall.
  Still very angry today. Not my old self at all. No PMO to make it easier, and then worse. I would rather feel pissed off than sad and scared and self-loathing.
Lucky to be here, lucky to have the stories of others going through the same thing. Later
 
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Will500

Member
Hi Pinkerton,

Just wanted to thank you for commenting on my page, and wish you all the best.  You sound like you're doing great in your reboot so far - even if it's not easy.  I was just putting in my journal today about accepting that fear of relapse, but doing it with confidence that I won't.  Sort of like saying to myself, 'sure the fear is understandable.  It's allowed to be there. But you know what?  This time you can do it.  Others have done it and you really want to'.

Relate to those angry feelings you mention - wondering if you have any strategies for dealing with them?

Anyway, mostly wanted to say thanks for writing on my journal.  Companionship on this journey means so much.

Keep on truckin!

Will.
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Day 15. So far so good. No pmo.  Talked to my brother yesterday- he has the addiction too. He is the one that told me about ybop actually.  So it was nice to have a real live person to talk to about this thing. Feeling grateful to have the little bastard around :) 
  Not as mad today. Will asked about dealing with anger and honestly I hadn't thought too much about it. Trying to do something good to deal with those feelings would probably be wise. Other than a lot of internal screaming and day dreaming about yelling at people, I haven't done anything to deal with it. So, my new plan to deal with anger will be three deep breaths, stretching, maybe some push-ups, and fifteen minutes of quiet meditation. Or more likely half that time, but it's something to shoot for.
  Been doing this journal all on my phone and it is a pain in the ass.
  Good luck to any of you who read this. Later
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Thank you benhj! 

Just a quick check-in on day 16. Feeling good. Been a nice day and have no great urge to PMO so hell yeah. Will try to spend more time here tomorrow.  Glad to have found this forum and the people in it. Later
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
So now it is day 17. Thank god for that. Been quite a while since I've made it this long. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like it's something that I'm doing. It's almost like it's something that is happening To me. Feeling very grateful for that. It has been my experience that prayer helps me live better. I guess I just want to give credit where credit is due, so I'd like to thank the one or the what that hears prayers.
  Later
 
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benhj

Active Member
Good stuff Pinkerton. Its funny how this stuff works sometimes. Best not to try and understand it I reckon. Keep coming back!
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Yes sir, some times I'm scared if I try to understand it too well it will disappear.
  It is now day 19 and I am very grateful for that. Tried to write last night but couldn't get a break from the wife and kids. They simultaneously inspire me to become a better person and drive me to seek out whatever escape I can find. I guess that's family life. Today, I hope I stay on the good road. I think I can.
  At any rate, I know I'm a very lucky man. Good luck to all you today. Later
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Day twenty. Sweet. Been a good day today. No pmo and not too many triggers either.  Though I am noticing a lot more enticing females in print and on screen and in ads on my damn phone. There is an ad on trivia crack for some video game with a girl and a sword. I don't think I would have noticed it a month ago. It was too tame for my desensitized brain.  I guess that is a sign of progress.  I'm going to say it is anyway.
  Lucky to be here and be sober. Here's hoping I stay that way.  And all of you too. Later
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Thank you benhj!

Day twenty one.  It has been a long time since I've had a streak like this and I have been feeling the pressure. Seems like I've had a lot more temptation today and more problems with my mind wandering into dangerous territory. I basically try to banish any thoughts of Public or M or girls that aren't my wife. I have tried to do the same with feelings of doubt or failure. so far all is well and I'd like to keep it that way. My next goal is thirty days no PMO. That would be freakin sweet. Having this journal and forum has been such a great help. Good luck everyone?
 
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