My story

[Twostroke]

I'm 45 and have been using porn since my early/mid teens. As i got older i bought porn magazines and occasional videos, but it was always on a small scale and i never had a large collection, just a handful of mags/ videos at any one time. Then in the 90s i discovered internet porn, a free endless collection of more porn than anyone could possibly consume. I got pretty obsessed by it for short periods and would spend hours edging masturbation (i had no idea that's what i was doing at the time), but it never felt out of control. It didn't seem to have any obvious negative impact on my life

Then i discovered phone sex lines about 10 years ago, and that combined with internet porn really got me hooked. I found the buzz from phone sex much greater for me than from just porn, i think it was the connection with a real person and the live interplay. I sort out girls who really enjoyed getting off talking pure filth and explored fantasies with them. It seemed a revelation to me that there were girls with such filthy minds who seemed to thoroughly enjoy what they were doing.

Things started escalating over the past 12 months. It started to change the way i was thinking about sex and women, and the fantasies got harder and i was getting into gangbang, dogging and bukkake porn. The idea of women being submissive and wanting to be used for pleasure became a real thrill and i explored this with the phone sex girls too. There were certain girls that liked and encouraged this and they became my favourites and that really fueled my addiction. We would watch the same porn as we talked and masturbated. Then in between calls i would fantasise about them while watching porn and creating new fantasies. I became obsessed with trying to meet up for real with my favourite phone sex girls. I felt like i had to know if sex with them for real would be as mind blowing as it was on the phone. There was one girl in particular who wanted to meet up too, even though it was against the phone chat rules. We created a code so that we could make arrangements to meet. The anticipation and excitement of it was huge.

However, all this was going on while i have a girlfriend. We have a long distance relationship so we only see each other every 2 weeks. I would see her for a weekend then go back to my phone sex girls. I kept the phone sex very compartmentalised in my mind, and rationalised that it was 'healthy' and 'harmless fun' and as i wasn't with my girlfriend all the time i had needs that needed to be taken care of. Then it suddenly dawned on me that i was totally obsessed by phone sex, and that it was getting out of control, and that trying to meet was just crazy and would ruin everything i have with my girlfriend. I felt addicted to it and not in control of it, and i started to feel terrible guilt and shame, i couldn't believe what i'd been doing when i wasn't with my girlfriend, and i was worried about the type of material i was getting into and liking.

It was this shock that stripped away the denial about what i had been doing, and i didn't like what i saw. I realised i had a real problem and that's when i found ybop. It was a relief to realise that i wasn't alone, that porn/ sex addiction is very real and that it didn't make me a bad person. I hadn't chosen to go down this path, i didn't know that porn/ sex could be addicitive like this. i had been slowly sucked into it over years without realising it, and it was escalating to where i was no longer in control.

This was the wake up call i needed. I now accept that i am a porn and particularly a phone sex addict, and that i have to stop using phone sex and porn for ever otherwise it will destroy my relationship and me.It feels that serious. I'm glad to say that since i accepted that i had a real problem with phone sex that i have been phone sex free since, which is 103 days. I initially thought i could just stop phone sex and 'downgrade' my porn use to a 'healthier' more normal subject matter. I have since realised that no porn is healthy or normal, and that it will escalate, so i am going porn free too and so far it's been 15 days and counting.

It's been a struggle, i have been pretty depressed and i think a lot of that has been down to latent guilt/ shame. I think i am starting to feel better though, my cravings are less, and i feel i have a bit of distance and clarity from it, and can see the destructive cycle of it. I haven't told my girlfriend, and she knows nothing about it, and frankly i'd like to keep it that way. i don't want to her hurt her unnecessarily and i don't want to risk our relationship over it.

I feel that i am making progress and i hope that by sharing my story it will help me and others with their journeys. It certainly feels like a relief to tell it.

 

[The Dude Wannabe]

TS,
    Sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things.  I applaud your desire to straighten things out and have a good relationship with your girlfriend. 
    I haven't heard of anyone on here that is able to maintain a "little bit" of porn usage without having significant ramifications.  I myself entered this journey with the idea that I was going to be "pixel free" but M was still in play.  After engaging in M, some deep part of my brain realized that M WASN'T ok.  I didn't intend to, but I joined the rest with on a no PMO diet.  No O unless it comes from healthy interaction with my wife.
    One of the important things for me was dissecting my behavior and figuring out what the triggers are/were that caused me to want to engage in PMO.  It might be helpful for you too.  Read a lot of the guy's posts here.  There is some deep stuff.  A bunch of these posts caused me to realize stuff about myself I'd never really thought about before.
    It's good to have you here! 

 

[Twostroke]

Thanks for the comments Dude, i really appreciate it. I'm realising that i have a lot of triggers...boredom, stress, feeling lonely, feeling down. I 'm realising that i used phone sex/ PMO to make myself feel better in a whole variety of situations. I almost saw it as self nurturing, but now that i understand the addictive nature of it i can see it was becoming self destructive.
Now that i haven't used a phone sex line for 3.5 months, the cravings for it have hugely reduced. I don't want it anymore and have gone through the worst of withdrawal i think. My porn use also hugely reduced in that time, but as i have only been porn free for 15 days i'm still having cravings there, but i'm determined to do all i can to not relapse.
I just don't want it in my life anymore. I'm starting to feel better about myself for kicking the phone sex, and i hope i start getting the same feelings about quitting porn in the near future. It's not easy though, it's an ongoing struggle and i know i have to be vigilant, but i'm going to check this site regularly for tips and support.

 

[Twostroke]

Have been having a really tough day today, i woke up whilst dreaming porn, and then felt consumed with shame about all the porn i've watched. I started going through it in my head, all the genres that i'd 'progressed' through, and even though i've never ventured into anything remotely illegal, i still felt repulsed by it and felt repulsive for having previously enjoyed it.
I'm starting to reassess my view of the porn business, and starting to think about the individual girls that are involved in it and trying to work out why they do it. I can only conclude that there must be a lot of damaged girls in the industry, that probably get a lot more damaged and chewed up by it and then spat out.
I guess it was the denial that comes with addiction that prevented me from seeing this previously. Behind all the 'fun', smiles and glamour there must be a lot of pain. And by being consumers of it, we encourage more to be made and create more victims.
It's a vicious trap both for most of the performers but also for ourselves. When we become addicts we start to corrupt ourselves and venture into more unsavoury and potentially abusive porn. I could see this happening with myself and although i didn't like it i rationalised it to somehow convince myself that it was acceptable.
Now i realise that it isn't acceptable, porn is damaging for the performers and for the consumers. I worry about our youngsters now growing up with ready access to today's increasingly abusive porn, it's a ticking time bomb. I know the government here in the UK has expressed concerns, and i think there are plans for all internet providers to have compulsory filtering software. If a household wants to have access to porn they have to opt in. I'm not sure that will make much difference especially with smartphones being so ubiquitous, but at least it's a start and the showing of some political will to address the problem.
Having said all that, i still having cravings for it, and that is causing me at times real distress. I guess i just have to accept that for the time being my brain still has a lot of healing to do, and that the addiction pathways are still strong. I hope that by posting this it will give me another shot of motivation to resist and continue healing and i'd be grateful for anyone else's opinions or words of wisdom on any of the above. Thanks.

 

[fcjl8]

Hi Twostroke,

Just reading over your journal. I agree. The industry in completely amoral in terms of the abuse and exploitation of the performers.

I am strong in my resolve not to view this crap anymore, ever. But, I am very sorry and full of regret for having let myself fall into that pit.

We can use the shame and guilt as a positive tool. Remember this feeling, it will pass, but hang on to it a bit and use that if an urge hits.

Just like your cravings for phone sex have diminished so will the cravings for porn, especially with your new "disgusted" view on this abusive industry!

Good for you sir! Brave!

 

[somethingelse]

Have been having a really tough day today, i woke up whilst dreaming porn, and then felt consumed with shame about all the porn i've watched. I started going through it in my head, all the genres that i'd 'progressed' through, and even though i've never ventured into anything remotely illegal, i still felt repulsed by it and felt repulsive for having previously enjoyed it.
I'm starting to reassess my view of the porn business, and starting to think about the individual girls that are involved in it and trying to work out why they do it. I can only conclude that there must be a lot of damaged girls in the industry, that probably get a lot more damaged and chewed up by it and then spat out.
I guess it was the denial that comes with addiction that prevented me from seeing this previously. Behind all the 'fun', smiles and glamour there must be a lot of pain. And by being consumers of it, we encourage more to be made and create more victims.
It's a vicious trap both for most of the performers but also for ourselves. When we become addicts we start to corrupt ourselves and venture into more unsavoury and potentially abusive porn. I could see this happening with myself and although i didn't like it i rationalised it to somehow convince myself that it was acceptable.
Now i realise that it isn't acceptable, porn is damaging for the performers and for the consumers. I worry about our youngsters now growing up with ready access to today's increasingly abusive porn, it's a ticking time bomb. I know the government here in the UK has expressed concerns, and i think there are plans for all internet providers to have compulsory filtering software. If a household wants to have access to porn they have to opt in. I'm not sure that will make much difference especially with smartphones being so ubiquitous, but at least it's a start and the showing of some political will to address the problem.
Having said all that, i still having cravings for it, and that is causing me at times real distress. I guess i just have to accept that for the time being my brain still has a lot of healing to do, and that the addiction pathways are still strong. I hope that by posting this it will give me another shot of motivation to resist and continue healing and i'd be grateful for anyone else's opinions or words of wisdom on any of the above. Thanks.

Twostroke, a belated Welcome to you. I think there are clear visible signs that this reboot is working for you. You're bridging the distance between your addicted self and the person you're becoming. Your frequent mention of rationalisations are real, I'd even say depicts to me a transition to a more healthier sexuality. As consumers of p, we contribute to the self-fulfilling prophecy of addiction-hurt. Addiction for us and hurt of the p stars and ourselves. It's about time the Conservatives started doing something about it, nothing revolutionary, but we'll count our blessings.

Don't be despondent my friend, it's your brain. Our brain is never too thrilled with change, you need only remember moving house/schools as a kid, try and recall that feeling of fear/ worry, it's not unnatural at all. It's only unnatural to smile when we're hurting inside.

I Hope You Have a Beautiful Day Ahead

SE

 

[Twostroke]

Thanks for the support guys, it really helps. Yesterday was a painful day, but it felt cathartic. Today i feel more at ease with things and i feel like i'm starting to step out of the shadows of p addiction. I know i don't want to go back, i'm learning too much about the abusive nature of the industry and porn's addictive potential to want to go back.
Here's to another day clean, and i wish the same to everyone on here too!

 

[fcjl8]

Good going sir! One day... then another... then another!

 

[Twostroke]

I've been learning and thinking a lot about addiction in general the last few days and want to post some musings that i hope may be of help to fellow addicts during their journeys.

When i have cravings at the moment i often get very strong feelings of guilt and shame about where my porn/ phone sex addiction was taking me, and how it was corrupting me into a person i didn't want to become and didn't like. I can see that i was basically living a double life, where my porn and phone sex activities were kept secret and separate from my normal life. It was also separated in my mind too. I kept it conveniently compartmentalised, so it was almost as if i what i was doing wasn't in full consciousness, i basically didn't feel fully aware of it.

I understand now that this is what all addicts do with their addiction, it's a form of denial, and it's difficult for the addict to question it because of the reduced reasoning due to the hypofrontality caused by the addiction. So the addiction creates a denial as one of its symptoms, which allows the addiction to grow and the addict is unable to see it. It's sometimes only when things are getting really out of hand, and the consequences of the addiction are becoming serious, or have become serious enough that the addict is shocked into accepting there is a problem.

Once you accept you have a problem, and admit that to yourself, then suddenly the problem is no longer compartmentalised in your mind. It's there in full view in it's full ugly 'glory'. I have found that very difficult and it has led to a lot of 'how could i have let that happen?'; 'how could i have not seen what i was doing and where i was going?' etc...lots of soul searching and questioning myself.

What i am learning now is that the addicted brain is very clever. It needs it's fix and will do whatever it takes to get it, so it creates a mass of denial and rationalisations so that the addiction is kept out of full consciousness as much as possible. When lost in addictive behaviour we question it very little, it is compulsive, and any questioning is quickly countered and pushed aside by the addicted brain without us even being aware what we're doing. Afterwards we may feel guilt and shame but that too gets suppressed by the time the addicted brain needs it's next fix, and so the cycle continues until something shocks us into realisation.

I am seeing that the questioning and the feeling of the guilt and shame are inevitable, and is a necessary stage to go through. It is the reasoning part of the brain becoming more active again and starting to see the full ugliness of the addiction. This is a painful process and can lead to anxiety and depression. especially as the addicted brain is screaming for its fix at the same time, and generating cravings for the thing that the recovering reasoning brain is now starting to fully recognise as repulsive.

What i have found useful as this process has been playing out inside me, is to try and see that i am not the addiction, so that when cravings arise instead of saying to myself 'i'm craving such and such, and i know such and such is wrong, therefore if i know it's wrong and i still want it,  that must make me a bad person', i am more able to say ' it's the addiction craving such and such, not me. I am not the addiction. The addiction wants it's fix, but i don't want that anymore and although it's painful i will resist it and the addiction will weaken.'

And it is painful when your brain is screaming for something you no longer want and now see as repulsive. But recognising it as the addiction and not myself that is screaming allows me to get a little bit of space and distance from it. It's allows me to separate it from myself and stand outside it a little, which is helpful and gives some comfort when in the midst of strong cravings. it helps prevent me feeling too bad about myself for having those cravings, which in turn gives me a bit more strength to resist.

Something i have also found useful is realising that i did not want or plan this addiction. I started using porn and then phone sex in complete ignorance that these activities could be addictive. They started as a bit of 'harmless fun', as i'm sure it did for many of us. So it is not our faults that we became addicted, because no one knew then that it was potentially addictive. It is only just beginning to become more accepted that porn can be addictive, and i'm sure there will be a lot more research coming out to support this in the next few years. I have found the Cambridge Uni brain scan study to be very compelling evidence http://yourbrainonporn.com/cambridge-university-brain-scans-find-porn-addiction

Accepting that it wasn't my fault that i became addicted, helps to reduce the feelings of guilt and shame. I feel less responsible for being addicted ( and maybe we shouldn't feel responsible at all, as we started using this stuff in genuine ignorance of it's potential), but now that i know that i am addicted i accept full responsibility for doing whatever i can to get myself out of it.

Thanks for listening (if you've got this far!), and any feedback would be very welcome.

 

[Twostroke]

Had sex with my girlfriend for the first time in a month and orgasmed. It felt good, i definitely felt more aroused by her, and came quicker. Have had a problem with delayed ejaculation the last few years and didn't realise it could be porn related.

Definitely feels like progress, but am just concerned about possible chaser effect as i'm still early on in my reboot. Will just have to wait and see i guess.

 

[Mojo]

Good for you Twostroke I find your success most encouraging. 

I also found your musings most helpful as you were able to tie together many of the thoughts that have been running around my own mind.

 

[Twostroke]

Thanks Mojo, i'm glad that my thoughts have been of some help.
I feel that i am starting to make a bit of progress but this has been a hellish 2 months. I have severely depressed to the point of feeling suicidal on several occasions, along with terrible anxiety, insomnia, headaches and fatigue. It had undoubtedly been one of the hardest periods of my life, and i'm not quite sure how i've got through sometimes.
If i had to put a measure of where i am at, i would say that i feel at this point i feel 50% addicted and 50% clean. I feel that i'm at a tipping point. Things ate still very difficult but i feel that there is a core of calm and strength developing inside me.
I just hope that things start getting easier because i don't feel that i could go through much more at the same intensity that it has been. I'm prepared for more struggle though, but hoping for clearer results.
I still have a good deal of healing to do, but i do feel that healing is now genuinely starting to occur.
I just want to say that to everyone on here who is suffering with this, feeling desperate and like they can't go on, or can't see any light. Please don't give up, at some point there will be signs of improvement, and fleeting glimpses of a healthier self. The pain will be worth enduring.
Here's to a healthier, happier, porn free future for all of us!