jkkk said:
Absolutely correct.
Yet absolutely untenable for an addict. A great view on what is going on in our addicted selves has been just posted here:
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=3805.0
And, honestly, to me that kind of information should be like contained in step-by-step reboot anthology. I acknowledge not every guy in this forum experienced that kind of problems, but this is in my view 100% spot on for those, who, unluckily, had almost all their childhood/adolescent/youth sexual experiences with PMO only and without contact with any women. Myself included. I really try not to pity myself, and I guess I would get even less pity from women around here, but just to state the obvious: none of us enjoyed even a second of being in that state of total disconnection from real women. If I could go back in a time-machine and help that poor guy of me, talk to him and explain just how wrong he is, I would. Not even to my benefit, but to the benefit of my wife.
I am convinced that our current culture has altered the social relationship between the genders, and not for the good. Sex is spoken of in terms more suited to describing sports or gambling. Since when has having intercourse been a form of "scoring" or "getting lucky"? Intercourse, the very word, means:
1:
connection or dealings between persons or groups
2:
exchange especially of thoughts or feelings : communion
3:
physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person
Think about that, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, as quoted above, sexual contact is the tertiary definition of the word intercourse. The definition references the word communion which is
an act or instance of sharing. Do terms like scoring sound congruous with
an act or instance of sharing?
I am fortunate to have figured this out, roughly 8 months into my reboot. I was frustrated and lonely. I felt very isolated and wanted female companionship badly. I gave thought to casual sex or even traveling to Nevada to a legal brothel but then I asked myself an important question; what did I really want? The answer surprised me; in a good way. I was horny, shaking with desire and ready to do something foolhardy but what I really wished for was to have a cup of coffee with a lady friend. That was it! No feeling up someone, no sexual escapades, simply the calming and socializing effect of spending time with a friendly woman; the word "friendly" is not a euphemism for anything sexual in this case. Simply stated, what I craved at that moment was not sexual intercourse but
social intercourse.
Women provide an emotional counterbalance to our masculine personalities. We can see it all the time if we just take time to look. Even in our libertine era, men tend to be better behaved when women are around. Our language is usually a bit more refined and we control our behavior. It's not simply a matter of hoping for sex, we tend to be better behaved when we are around women that are off limits to us sexually, such as relatives, wives of friends, etc. Rowdy little boys have been known to become civilized in the presence of little girls, even when both are at an age where sexual desire is not normally present. The fact is, I, as a male, want to be approved of by females and I suspect that most females want to be approved of by males. I want to be approved of by women that are married and completely out of the dating market. I want to be approved of by females because that lets me know that there's hope for me to find the kind of long-term companionship that I need in my life . . . the kind of long-term companionship that we all need in our lives, because isolation is poison to the soul.
In every culture, marriage occurs. It exists in the bible belt, it exists in atheistic societies. It seems to be a barometer of the health of a civilization. In places where things are very bad, marriage and family seem to be in trouble. Boomtowns and mining camps are famed for prostitution and these places tend to be very short-lived, rarely developing into stable communities. OTOH, marriage and prosperity seem to coexist very well. I think it goes a lot deeper than just having a built-in sex partner. It's the moderating, civilizing effect that women have on us which is more important. Likewise, women benefit from a stable and loving partnership. The genders, when operating in an atmosphere of cooperation and love, tend to really help one another.
The "anything goes" morality of our day in age has gone a long way to erode trust between the genders. Many women feel that they must be on guard because they are the targets of guys just hoping to put another notch in the bedpost. A lot of men fear marriage because they know that divorce is very costly and, frequently, the male ends up moving out of the family home and starting over from scratch. It can be financially devastating. I speak from experience.
Sadly, the effect is estrangement and great social cost.
) but a great great companion.