Yooooooo.

KongMing

Member
Hello.

It's been three days since I last viewed pornographic material. I've outlined a plan to prevent future relapse. This includes:

A 5 point plan to prevent urges:
1. Do not entertain sexual thoughts.
2. Do not entertain superfluous negative thoughts.
3. Avoid reading about or discussing sexual topics.
4. Use background sound when available to occupy my attention to prevent sexual thoughts from developing. (Seems to work.)
5. Keep active or focused on something attention-holding.

And a 3-step measure for managing urges:
1. Breathe and calm down to prevent disturbing emotion or thoughts that might be associated with the urge.
2. Focus on immediate surroundings.
3. Search for and take real world steps to prevent relapse.

I am quite sapped of energy (both physically and psychologically) as a result of withdrawal. It physically hurts to move. I am not too disturbed by this, as I know that it will go away, but I'd be interested in any advice on managing it.

Also, these are (some of) my symptoms:
Weak muscles*
Fatigue*
Lack of desire and motivation
Headaches*
Irritability*
Shallow emotions
Trouble focusing
Little interest in socializing
General sadness
Frequent urination*
Thirst*
Melancholy

*These symptoms are only present during withdrawal.
 

KongMing

Member
Another day. Mentally, I feel a little better- probably not because of any addiction related changes, but just because of pmo being off the mind...(I expect anxiety to set in shortly though). Physically, I feel terrible-no energy, ache all over. Hard to stand up.
 
Hey man, I hear you on the frequent urination. Im glad its only a symptom of your withdrawal. I have it regardless and its putting a strain on work. Anyhow, this next few weeks are going to be tough. Stay strong.
 

KongMing

Member
iwillprevail said:
Hey man, I hear you on the frequent urination. Im glad its only a symptom of your withdrawal. I have it regardless and its putting a strain on work.

It went away eventually for me in a previous reboot, so it should end.

It's weird that PA causes frequent urination. Wtf. Good to know that PA really is the cause, though.
 
Its good to know it went away, gives me hope. I might be wrong but maybe its due to the adrenal glands putting too much pressure on the kidneys. I feel the need to pee everytime my arousal ends. How long was your reboot?
 

KongMing

Member
One more to the counter. Muscles don't feel as bad today.

iwillprevail said:
Its good to know it went away, gives me hope. I might be wrong but maybe its due to the adrenal glands putting too much pressure on the kidneys. I feel the need to pee everytime my arousal ends. How long was your reboot?

It lasted from day 3 to 29, for me. It should definitely go away eventually.
 

KongMing

Member
iwillprevail said:
You relapsed? What happened?

Dunno. Was tired and robotic. Fortunately, was a short exposure. Unfortunately, not the only short exposure.

Well, I don't know what to do now. Keep moving, I guess.
 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
@ KongMing
Well, I don't know what to do now. Keep moving, I guess.

You guessed right... we all have to keep moving. Focus on the future and enjoy the present, the past will always be behind us.

Keep truckin man
 

noises1990

Active Member
Auch, always had excessive urination before sexual contact. Never thought it might be due to the PA. Guys, might I ask if the PA will also go away with the reboot sequence? I know that overall performance is also influenced MASSIVELY by PA but will it go away? Or are there some thought patterns to fix this?
Btw, sorry to be off-topic and strayed away from your journal entries man, I too feel the Lack of desire and motivation, the general sadness and the melancholy, but I guess it will all go away after removing the bad *porn aquired* patterns from our brains. Keep on fighting the good fight bro!!

P.S: Always remember that you guys, the ones that are already in the process represent an inspiration to us all new here. Do not take it as a motive to be pressured, I hope it gives a plus to the motivational factor! Thank you!
 

KongMing

Member
So today I've been exposed to significant urges about 3 times an hour. I've blocked them out with success.

I've been reading the logs that I've compiled. In particular, I have been reading the journal that I wrote during my longest reboot. I've made several modifications to my procedure based on this information.

I've tended to be quite self-critical during my most recent reboot. I was not like this during any part of my longest reboot. I've read that negative emotions tend to incite the urge to use in addicts- the mind instinctively turns to the addiction to cope with negative feelings. The addictive substance is a self-soothing measure. So by aggressively attacking urges, or beating yourself up after relapse, all you are doing is putting yourself in a more negative emotional state- and thus making yourself more likely to relapse! So aggressiveness fuels the fire, it doesn't help put it out.

I've recently tended to make too big of a deal out of urges-they're easier to ignore if you just accept them as an inevitability.

Also, I feel I would benefit from learning to regulate my emotions through other behavior. This would teach my brain to reach for other things than porn when dealing with unpleasant emotions.

Here's my updated procedure:
A 7 point plan to prevent urges:
1. Do not entertain sexual thoughts.
2. Do not entertain superfluous negative thoughts.
3. Avoid reading about or discussing sexual topics.
4. Regulate emotional state to prevent relapse that comes with negative emotions.
5. Keep active or focused on something attention-holding.
6. Write my experiences in detail, daily.
7. Keep track of what has, and hasn't worked to prevent intrusive thoughts, and take action based on this information.

And a 4-step measure for managing urges:
1. Breathe and calm down to prevent disturbing emotion or thoughts that might be associated with the urge.
2. Focus on immediate surroundings.
3. Identify what my emotional was state prior to and during the urge.
4. Take action to prevent relapse.
 

KongMing

Member
Among the good news is that I've had few urges recently. I was plagued by them a couple days ago, when I had been hit by sexual imagery while still half-asleep in the morning. I've noticed that this seems to determine the day-If there's fantasy when I wake up I'll have regular urges, and if not I won't.

I've had some serious mood swings lately. A lot of uncharacteristic misanthropic thoughts. Depression is evident as well. Fortunately these mood swings have largely been internal-I haven't acted on them around others.

I'm finding it a little bit easier to concentrate. This is good. I've been exercising more recently, which is said to help raise dopamine levels.

iwillprevail said:
Hey Kong, try to be gentle with yourself.
Probably good advice. It doesn't actually seem that beating yourself up helps with reboot in any way.
Do you exercise?
Yes, mostly calisthenics.
 
Just remember that it's part of the process: the whole mood swings, depression, insomnia.. it shall eventually pass. I also have a sudden rush of misanthropy at times.. do you blame your addiction on others, on yourself or both?
 

KongMing

Member
Relapsed again. Sigh. Only a few minutes, so I guess I'm cutting down.

I really didn't follow the plan I made at all. I haven't been writing down my daily experiences and I didn't discontinue reading about sexual topics. I spent a lot of time thinking about the plan I was going to use and then pretty much ignored it. I really have trouble with the 'log experiences and emotions' part of the procedure that I wrote, because I have a lot of difficulty in translating my feelings into words. I've realized though that some of the conclusions I've come to recently I've come to several times before during previous reboots, but my memory is so horrid that I could not remember. If I had better memory I would've gotten through this a long time ago. This is why I started keeping logs recently - so it can serve as a substitute for my memory. I believe the time after a relapse is a particularly important time to journal, because I should still have a higher level of dopamine in the brain after a relapse, which should theoretically make it easier for me to recall memory.

There was a thumnail on youtube that was highly sexual, (I have no idea why it hasn't been taken down), and it triggered relapse. Things were going very well, too, strange that I relapsed so easily.

Anyways, I'd been having intrusive sexual thoughts all day, but I had no trouble shutting them down. I'm turning off images on my browser to avoid triggers. This should be helpful.

I had actually been experiencing benefits already today. Slightly more calm, more energy. Most notably, stimuli began to have an occasional effect! Normally, everything I see, hear, or listen to just bores the hell out of me, (if I could feel boredom...) but even shortly into reboot I begin to get actual emotions attached to things I experience. I hear good memory is a result of the brain attaching emotional significance to events, so it's no wonder that I have poor memory since I don't attach emotion to anything. For my porn-wrecked brain, the world is  a mass of colorless and featureless information, none of it means much to me. I observed once how after a long time going without porn one reboot attempt I would actually notice the lighting in a room or area; before, I would hardly notice the lighting, and it would never affect my mood.

I may still be recovering, because my relapses account for about 15 minutes of porn viewing over the last 13 days, which could definitely be worst. I once watched over four hours of porn in one sitting.

I'm filled with urges now after that one relapse. I guess the few days from today are seriously important, as I'm going to be getting constant urges, and I'll need to make my way through.

Hope that wasn't too messy, I was trying to get as much information down as I could.

Anyways, I'll also start writing down some measurements to record my progress objectively:

5/2/2014
Day 6 to Day 0
Mood: 4/10
Urges: 7/10

Can't think of anything else to write, so I'm done here.
 

KongMing

Member
Relapsed for like an hour. Don't feel good at all. My muscles are feeling really weak again...and twitching...I wonder if I clench my muscles while pmoing and don't feel it until I'm done.

I thought the plan I wrote out would help, but I haven't actually been following it, so if it has any potential it hasn't been realized. I haven't been updating my journal but I did update my log a little.

Generally feeling run down now. No anxiety yet, but it'll be present in full force when I wake up tomorrow and withdrawal sets in. I thought my lack of motivation was bad before, but right now I have to push myself to do anything. Everything I do takes a lot of effort. The examples they give for dopamine is that if you didn't have any you would just lay in bed and starve. I manage not to lay in bed or starve, but that's what I feel like doing.

Well, I'll go handle my twitching sore muscles.
 
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