Advice After 100 Days!

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Leon

Guest
After going passed 100 days of abstinence, what advice can I give at this point?

1. Don't dwell on this crap. Don't think about it. Don't give too much place to it mentally.

2. If memories assail you, change the channel. If mental pictures pop into your head, don't get all crazy trying to directly fight it, you'll only fuel the fire. Rather, put your mind on something else. Sing your favorite rock song, imagine doing the dishes (yeah!), or think of a puppy! Lol... anything else. Just don't take it down the wrong road of, "Oh no, I better not think of this, this is so wrong, I hate this, I better not do this- this, this, this!" See how you're still thinking about it, even though supposedly you're fighting against it?

3. If your mind goes into a sexual fantasy, about a real or imaginary woman, get to the bottom of it. What am I feeling that I all of a sudden need to alter my mood in this way? Did someone insult me? reject me? Do I feel neglected? Did I think in some negative downer way?

4. If a woman is beautiful, acknowledge it- it's natural- it's okay. Then, just don't dwell on it. You're a strong man now, not the weakling who's chasing after every skirt, or lust after every woman as if she were a piece of red meat. You're not a dog, trying to sniff every she-dog who comes by. You're in control.

5. Be careful how you identify yourself. "Hi, I'm Joe, and I'm an alcoholic." Oh, really? You haven't drank for 5 years now, how are you still an alcoholic?  Then when life comes and kicks you when you're down, guess what you'll turn to for comfort? No. You are not your addiction! And neither am I!

6. See yourself sober. Imagine yourself, how great life will be with that crap in the rear view mirror! Imagine yourself saying, No, in various situations. See yourself actually hating what you once loved.

7. If you're a man (or woman) of faith, pray- but not the pathetic, "God help me to not do this!" prayers, but rather pray, "God, I say 'no' to this crap! Help me to stand in your strength"- or something like that. Prayers that take into account the victorious winner that you are, not that person who's always on the verge...

Be thankful, celebrate the smallest of victories, smile, don't hold onto anger, forgive people who piss you off, and above all- know that you are loved more than you could ever possibly imagine.



***An important link to a more helpful and detailed list:  http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=4059.0
 

robust

Active Member
Leon said:
1. Don't dwell on this crap. Don't think about it. Don't give too much place to it mentally.

Best advice you could give. So true!

Leon said:
4. If a woman is beautiful, acknowledge it- it's natural- it's okay. Then, just don't dwell on it. You're a strong man now, not the weakling who's chasing after every skirt, or lust after every woman as if she were a piece of red meat. You're not a dog, trying to sniff every she-dog who comes by. You're in control.

Like.

Congrats, mate..!
 
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Leon

Guest
remington81 said:
The best list I have seen posted so far! Love your mindstate!!

Thank you, Remington. That's a huge compliment. Because after my goal of 120 days is met, I plan to put something even more comprehensive together.

I know I've found such lists, when people post them, very helpful in overcoming this- just to know how others successfully did it.
 
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Leon

Guest
Gambit123 said:
did you have PIED?

Not as severely as I've read from fellow rebooters. I know my pmo behaviors affected me in the bedroom, as in weak ejaculations- but for the most part, I didn't 'go limp' very often, but once in a while. Other times, though, I couldn't 'wait' and would occasionally pre-ejaculate.

Though, after learning about 'flat-line', this caused a kind of performance anxiety when I was 40 or so days into my reboot. This caused a 'limp-biscuit' on a couple of occasions, until I realized that it was all mental.

So, yes- it did affect me- but I think I avoided the long term hardcore use that many speak of here. Mine was mostly softcore, but it was definitely an addiction, and it definitely went into hardcore occasionally.

My use went down from 3-5 times a week to about once a week, or once every two weeks- before I joined Reboot Nation. This battle, however, has been going on for over 20 plus years.

So, it is definite success for what's been a long term addiction.   
 
Congrats on 100 days plus! I agree with your mentality here and wish you well. However, i disagree with your take on alcoholism. Once you are an alcoholic, you are always an alcoholic. It's so that the addicted do not return to the drink thinking they're "cured". Alcoholics cannot drink socially or have one or two and be done. Your point here is valid, that you are not your addiction... but it is a part of you and acknowledging the problem as all of us have done here helps us continue to fight against it. Just wanted to throw my two cents in, anyway I'm happy for you bud! Keep it up!
 
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Leon

Guest
ShootingBlanks said:
Congrats on 100 days plus! I agree with your mentality here and wish you well. However, i disagree with your take on alcoholism. Once you are an alcoholic, you are always an alcoholic. It's so that the addicted do not return to the drink thinking they're "cured". Alcoholics cannot drink socially or have one or two and be done. Your point here is valid, that you are not your addiction... but it is a part of you and acknowledging the problem as all of us have done here helps us continue to fight against it. Just wanted to throw my two cents in, anyway I'm happy for you bud! Keep it up!

Thanks, ShootingBlanks. I appreciate your candor. For me it comes down to two different philosophical approaches to addiction- one that empowers and another that disempowers.

It may not necessarily be helpful to get into this (if you do, we can PM each other)- but to simply say this: everyone has ultimately a different approach on what works for them. There's no one way to recover from this, one may use a 12-Step program or else (as in my case) a non-12 Step program. Whatever is more agreeable to the individual.

Your point, however, that alcoholism (as your example) is a part of you, is a tricky road to navigate- as you never get off of it, but always travel- and hence, are always an addict (and all that comes with it, like- can't be trusted, is always manipulative, etc). I'd say rather, that addiction (alcoholism, etc) is a part of my story, but not necessarily a part of me- I don't claim it, I don't want it, nor do I have to be that. We ultimately define ourselves, based on the mystery that is humanity. It's when we settle for a definition, "Well, I guess I'm this...better live with it.", that we delimit ourselves, and thereby cut ourselves off from the endless possibility that is mankind.

Thanks again for your encouraging words.
 

tostadora

Active Member
What do you mean to "not dwell on this crap"? I mean, I put lots of effort in my recovery: I go to addiction therapy everyday, I post on my journal, I try techniques to improve my mind control, etc.

I think that that is not dwelling and would like to know if you think the same.
 
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Leon

Guest
Tostadora, I agree that what you list here is not necessarily 'dwelling' on that crap, as I so poorly worded it.

What I mean is to not think about these things so much that they become an obsession. Of course we think on these things by being here, posting, helping others, or seeking help and understanding. But are we always on here, always thinking about it? Or, do we give ourselves space to just live our lives- and deal with this only when we need to?

Having hit my own 120 day goal, I plan to write a more comprehensive (and better worded) list that will better communicate what's helpful.

Stay tuned.
 

challenged

Active Member
Leon said:
What I mean is to not think about these things so much that they become an obsession. Of course we think on these things by being here, posting, helping others, or seeking help and understanding. But are we always on here, always thinking about it? Or, do we give ourselves space to just live our lives- and deal with this only when we need to?

I think there is merit to the "not dwelling on it" point.  I think that, if you're trying to eliminate something from your life, it can be helpful for some people not to be constantly focused on it.  It can be tough for some to eliminate porn when they are constantly thinking about the fact that porn is a temptation, that they are trying to avoid it, that it has been X days since they last engaged in this or that activity regarding porn.  For some, it keeps thoughts of porn in the mind constantly.  That is why people often report that they have more success staying away from porn when they are busy and their mind is occupied with other tasks or thoughts.

Everybody is different, and the circumstances and nature of porn use is different for everyone, so "your milage may vary" as they say.  Everyone has to determine what works best for them.  But I think it is helpful for many to try to eliminate thinking about porn or the battle against porn all the time.  I find it helpful to post on this forum  and read others' posts, but when I'm not doing that, I really find it helpful to have my mind occupied with other things -- even to the point of actively trying to find other things to engage my mind.
 
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Leon

Guest
Exactly, Challenged. Good points.

I think in addition to trying not to dwell on this stuff all the time is the question: not are we thinking about it, but how are we thinking about it?

What this means is, are we making this issue bigger than life? We almost have a fatalistic approach to it, and no wonder, when the will has been conditioned for so long to 'fall' to this, to submit to this stuff, that we almost view it as a god in it's own right, or an unbeatable force, that we have to try and tip-toe around as we hopefully lull it to sleep.

Someone may think about porn in such a way that, though they're fighting against it, they view it as an inevitable force which the best they can do is to prolong abstinence for as long as possible before giving in. This is what is meant by white-knuckling it, or the dry-drunk phenomenon.

One hopes that, the more time abstaining from these behaviors, and learning how to frame this thing properly, it will be seen as more and more an insignificant faulty coping-mechanism to the pain and stress of life. 
 
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Leon

Guest
Jason said:
I love your advice Leon thank you it keeps me going especially your faith!!!!

You're welcome, Jason. Yes- faith does play a major role in my approach- and I go into that a little  more in my journal. But, as we're a mixture here of both believers and non-believers, I sought to provide a more broad approach that could benefit all.

Thank you for reading and commenting.
 

kable

New Member
Thank you Leon for your list, I think it's one of the best so far. I'm quite new to these reboot things - now at day 8, my goal is at least 90 days. When I started reading this forum and other support websites, I knew I had finally found the help I was looking for.
I find your experience very inspiring, and also the faith you mention is a point of interest for me. To say the truth, up to now (and for many years), I've never been able to quit relying only on faith. This fact had created a lot of problems (low self-esteem, faith doubts) and I finally concluded that I wasn't able to overcome my addiction. This forum is really helping me to believe this is not the case.
 
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Leon

Guest
kable said:
Thank you Leon for your list, I think it's one of the best so far. I'm quite new to these reboot things - now at day 8, my goal is at least 90 days. When I started reading this forum and other support websites, I knew I had finally found the help I was looking for.
I find your experience very inspiring, and also the faith you mention is a point of interest for me. To say the truth, up to now (and for many years), I've never been able to quit relying only on faith. This fact had created a lot of problems (low self-esteem, faith doubts) and I finally concluded that I wasn't able to overcome my addiction. This forum is really helping me to believe this is not the case.

You're welcome, kable. You definitely can overcome this. I linked an even more comprehensive list on my original post above, if you wish to read more.

If 90 days seems overwhelming, you can start off with smaller goals- like 10, 20 or 30, etc... This will build your self-confidence and will power to say no, or better, ride out those urges.

Blessings to you.
 
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