I don't want to lose you hun...

[noises1990]

Hello there!

My name is Adrian and I'm 24 years old. I guess this is my story and the start of something that could be really beneficial for me.
I don't really know if I'm a porn addict or not, but I really want to give this thing a try. My "porn addiction" if I can call it that, started when I was about 13-14 years old... Yeah... 10 years... if only i'd knew it had the potential to harm me so much.

Hear me out why I don't know if I'm suffering from porn ED: My first serious relationship that included lots of sex started when I was about 18 years old and lasted about 3 years. No problems there, erections were ok, sex life was good and as I've said above I was already using porn and masturbating on almost a daily basis.

The first time I had trouble with ED, I guess it was about 2-3 years ago with another girl I moved in with. Again, don't really know if it's Porn induced ED or just Performance Anxiety but it happened... We got on and I wasn't up to the task. Happened a couple of times but after moving in with her and getting pretty calm (instead of being anxious) around her helped somewhat fixing the problem. My erections were still not full but it might have been due to the fact that she was kinda masculine and I don't really know if I liked her so much (physically speaking - she was 9 years older than me).

We broke up and there were a few months (actually many) before I had a girlfriend again. We moved in together, started to have sex and everything was ok. Broke up again and now we're getting to the present.

Let me tell you something about my diet and work-outs (maybe you can find a pattern and it's a different problem like nutrition and exhaustion - still want to quit porn though!!)
Well, the last few years I've been putting on a lot of weight (almost 98 KG on a short guy 1.70). The last fall I started a Herbalife diet that I'm still on and I managed to reach 68 KGs. Well, a herbalife diet means that you take lots of pills and replace 2 meals per day with their shake beverages (so not such a healthy nutrition diet - considering the fact that I'm prolly puttin in just 1500 calories a day or even less).
This wouldn't be a problem if I was not hitting the gym. I run about 8-9 KMs a day then lift weights. This might cause exhaustion due to my diet and cause the ED problem. I'm not really sure and I can't really afford to do some medical check-ups (I live in a under-developed economical country and have shitty paycheck).

Well, it's been two months since I'm in a relationship with this beautiful and amazing girl (she really is an angel) but she studies in a different country so we see together from time to time when she comes home.
We get along very well and I think she understands me. I told her about my problem (guess she noticed it first-hand anyway) and she seems very ok and relaxed about it - this really helps me.
Now to the naughty part: The first time we had sex two months ago it was kinda weird because I was scared shit-less due to performance anxiety, wasn't really up to the task but after aprox 20 minutes got hard and had a really nice one (no problems then). Now she got home again almost two weeks back. The first time we tried sex again, it was ok, not perfect but really ok. The second time was during a work break I had (I live very close to my work-place) and I couldn't get it up. Don't really know if it was from the stress but i was really trying to get an erection but POW! GONE!
After that there was an occurrence a few days back when I couldn't get hard (prolly due to stress) but after she started touching me we were good to go.
The most recent time (thursday) we were able to get somewhat of a few erections (3 times actually ended in sex) but I felt like I was going down and i forced myself to finish very fast... But some improvement was present (also that was after quitting porn for about 4 days).

Now my fear is this... although she seems very comfortable with this and she understands me, i really fear that due to this problem our relationship will end... I don't want this to happen, she's awesome and I really waited for a long time to be with her. I want to make her happy, I want her to have it all but I feel that this issue is gonna really blow a huge black hole between us 

So here it is... although I'm not sure I've got porn addiction ED and I've already started the rebooting process, this will be known as day 1! God bless us!

*PS: I've been smoking pot for almost 3 years on a daily basis. But also quit about one week ago... Hope the info helps

 

[noises1990]

So, not that hard since my libido seems to be completely lost somewhere in the vast nothingness of space. I ve noticed that i still am attracted to girls in a sexual way though. So i guess it s good. I only feel bad for my girlfriend, must be harder for her than is for me

 

[Shaft]

Hi and congrats for joining the Community!

Well after having read your story it's clear that the problem arises from your question itself. If you weren't addicted, you wouldn't be wondering wether you have addiction or not. It would be just obvious, wouldn't it? Why do you watch porn? Most likely, because you have and urge. As we all do to some extent.

Regarding your fasting routine (gettin' rid off those KGs) you've gone to some drastic changes in your diet. I definately wouldn't recommend taking any pills, but rather first try to balance your nutrition, simply just eat less do more cardio. Over a period of time you'll se the improvements. As for the weightlifting routine, I can definately say that it's way harder if possible at all to maintain or get an erection shortly after the workout or even the evening to come. Fatigue+a little drink doubles the negative impact on erection as well, at least, speaking from my experience.

You should't be going that hardcore during your training sessions and see if that was the thing.

P.S Nothing good comes out of porn, so I'm quite sure porn hasn't helped you in any way either.

Best of luck!

 

[noises1990]

Hey shaft! Thanks for the reply in the first place! Yeah well I guess I started watching porn because I was fat and having a girlfriend was hard at the time... Then got used to it and just went all the way! I think it's related to anxiety also (don't really know if anxiety is triggered by the porn ED or the ED is triggered by anxiety) but sometimes just thinking of having sex with my girlfriends triggers some panic responses in my stomach. She is incredibly hot, so that's not the problem, I would really have sex with her all the time... but i really need to get this sh*t straight first.
Also, next week I might start psycho-therapy, got some childhood issues to resolve regarding the relationship with my mom, might also be affecting the ED problem.
Damn it, sometimes it just seems that there are so many frickin issues 

 

[noises1990]

Tomorrow my girlfriend is leaving back to her college in Austria... I'm a little sad because we won't see each-other in the next three months but also a little happy because it gives me time with no sex anxiety pressure to go through this reboot. I really hope it'll be ok I have a good feeling about this, especially because in the morning had wood for aprox 20 minutes or so. A thing that didn't happen to me in years! Awesome!

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ noises 1990

I have a good feeling about this, especially because in the morning had wood for aprox 20 minutes or so. A thing that didn't happen to me in years! Awesome!

So happy for you to see improvement. Just remember, it is normal for morning wood to come and go, and recovery tends to not be linear. So stay calm if you feel yourself going into a flatline again or your morning wood goes away for a bit... it will come back.

Keep truckin your doing awesome

 

[noises1990]

Thank you Gabe! I am a little bit worried about my libido though... It wasn't skyrocketing since I started watching porn, maybe 10 years ago. Do you think it might be a problem related to my Testosteron? I don't know if I remember well or not but I believe that my parents took me to an endocrynology doctor when I was very little and gave me some testosteron shots. Should I be worried about it? 

Anyways this week I gotta do some medical check-ups because I've read some serious stuff regarding Herbalife diets side-effects. Also, should start psycho-therapy. I'm so looking forward to this <3

 

[noises1990]

Well... weekend was okay so far. I'm suspecting that I lived in the flatline for a few years. Actually this thought is kinda messed up and I'm just wondering if this will mean a longer reboot process. Since me and my girlfriend will not get together for the next three months of so, I hoped that this mess will be over by the time she comes back in the country... Well guess i gotta be optimistic somehow about it.
I just hate it that motivation for anything is gone. Feelings of broken and unrepairable are rushing in. Sometimes I m thinking that sex and satisfying your partner is the most important thing in the world. I remember a few times when I got high smokin pot (actually a lot of times) when these thoughts rushed in my head and tore me apart: You're not good enough, you can't satisfy her, you're sh*t. Well I say fu*k all that messed up crazy ass sh*t! I'm "coming home" no matter how long it takes me!!

 

[noises1990]

Track of the mood:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utZ7ahphZpM
It's always darkest before the dawn ^_^

 

[Shaft]

3 months is along period of time. That should be enough for a big improvement.
Well, no doubt about it, sex is important in a relationship, but sometimes you have to step down in order to make a few steps forward. Of course feeling emotionally and physically drained is a challenge, but hey, it's better to feel this than go back to the past habits. I think we're overthinking this abit. Just try to abstain from orgasms and crazy visuals and you're gonna see the level of your libido rising again.
Continue doing what you're doing, eventually you'll beat it. .

 

[noises1990]

Yeah.... To hell with past habits, they kinda ruined my life so far. I still have some visuals sometimes, don't know if they're crazy or not but I just picture myself with my girlfriend having sex, randomly throughout the day. Should I avoid these thoughts? They do not make me watch porn or masturbate although.

Btw, curious about this flatline thing since i haven't seen any physical mods to my genital area and I still feel it there like when I pee. Guess the flatline is not completely here or am I wrong? :-s

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ noises1990

I just picture myself with my girlfriend having sex, randomly throughout the day. Should I avoid these thoughts?

If they pop up into your head and are NOT porn related, I say enjoy them but do not dwell on them. We are not sure if fantasizing about real partners during a reboot helps, we need more data on that one. Just don't stress about those thoughts. Again, if they are not porn related then don't worry about it. My advice is to avoid fantasizing on purpose for a while. Your brain needs a rest and fantasizing can elevate dopamine and (might) activate some of the same neural pathways for porn. Not sure though.

curious about this flatline thing since i haven't seen any physical mods to my genital area and I still feel it there like when I pee. Guess the flatline is not completely here or am I wrong?

Flatlines affect guys in varying degrees. You may have a less severe flatline, or you may not have entered into it yet, or you could be one of the few that seems to not flatline at all and sees slow steady progress.

Everyones reboot is a little different, there are just commonalities between some groups of rebooters. Continue to report what happens. The thing about everyone keeping a journal is we learn more about this process. There is still much to learn.

Keep truckin

 

[Wheels]

Hey Noises,
Since you've made some great comments on my story, I thought I'd take some time to read yours!
First thing I have to say is that I understand how difficult it is to have these problems with a girlfriend. I am willing to bet that you care for her deeply and it must be so frustrating to be in the position you are - I've been there and it isn't fun.
I honestly do think that these 3 months may be a blessing in disguise for you. A quote I have always enjoyed, but this is the first time I can use it as an example is that "sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together". Now definitely don't take that literally as I'm not saying that your relationship will fall apart!! But I think the short term loss of physical contact will help you keep focused on the task at hand and give you a real goal to aim towards.

 

[noises1990]

Hahahaha! Thanks a lot guys! It's not that hard without PMO but the lack of motivation is unbearable. The weekend was OK but didn't manage to work on some web-design projects that I intended to do. Just vegetated playing league of legends and watching funny cartoons. Tomorrow I'll be back at work and since I work in the video-game industry at least I'll have my head crowded of work-related issues.
Can't wait though to hit the gym tomorrow night after work, I really feel the need to do some cardio, these two days I've stuffed my face with junk food. I guess the cravings are not just sexual.

 

[Shaft]

I totally understand your lack of motivation man. Perhaps you could use some coffee to boost up your energy a  bit.  Those work related issues actually help you a lot- you don't focus that much on no fap and other related stuff.
Changing your diet or improving it might also be beneficial to you, junk food is never an option. Though I know sometimes we need it.
Keep up a good work!

 

[noises1990]

Ouch... Last night was not that nice... I tried to go to sleep earlier but woke up after an hour.... Back pains were present but it seems that today it's all good. Had a bit of insomnia as well and I'm feeling a bit tired today but I really want to do some cardio and weights after i get home from work.

Thanks a lot Shaft for the advice! Right now I'm still on that Herbalife diet with pills and shakes but maybe the next month I'm gonna start a normal diet. Worried to not gain weight though

Realised that i used to browse facebook and other social media sites just to find pictures of girls and sometimes MO'd to that... It's kinda creepy thinking about it now... I'm gonna lower my FB account use and I'm gonna try to avoid "sexy" pics of girls. Might also do a clean-up to my friends list xD

 

[a_strange_boy]

Hey buddy, yeah no PMO definitely has a negative effect on my ability to sleep as soundly as I normally would.

As for being productive elsewhere, it's maybe time to change habits on that front a little as well.  I tend to find that rewarding myself with thing I enjoy, or breaking up thing I don't enjoy with things I do enjoy.  So for example, when I'm studying something I really don't want to be studying, I might read a chapter or a section of a paper, and then go and sit and play piano maybe one or two piano pieces, and then I go back and read the following section, and just cycle like that for a while.  Break it up into as little chunks as you need to feel motivated to do it, so even if you just say you're going to do 10 minutes of work, and then go play a game for 10 minutes and cycle it that way, it's STILL better than not doing any work.

Also, I find that if I lift really heavy at the gym, my libido goes up.  I don't know if this is scientifically proven, but it can have quite a strong effect on my sex drive.

 

[noises1990]

Break it up into as little chunks as you need to feel motivated to do it, so even if you just say you're going to do 10 minutes of work, and then go play a game for 10 minutes and cycle it that way, it's STILL better than not doing any work.

Hey man! Yeah, really forgot about this one... It's still better than doing nothing. It's a good motivational phrase! Thank you! I'll try to focus more on my web-design studies from now on.
Also, do you guys think that video games can have a bad impact on this reboot progress?

 

[a_strange_boy]

Hmm, as someone who finds video games a little too easy to get addicted to, I'm somewhat biased, but I'll give my opinion anyway.

I think you need to take an everything-in-moderation-attitude, and decide for yourself what's best.  Do you find that you play video games too much?  I can't see why it would affect your reboot though, unless you feel it exposes you sexual/pornographic thoughts?

To me, sometimes I think the reason video games, like porn, are so addictive is that it's easy to use them as an escape.  So rather than engaging with the immediate world around you and finding enjoyment in the people and things around you, you sit back and let fantasy (over?)stimulate your brain.  However it's hard for me to really put any argument behind, because the same can be said for reading books (perhaps more effort is required in the reading of books though).

Either way, as such I stay away from video games.  I enjoy doing other stuff; reading, playing piano, spending time with friends, walking my dog, cooking, working out etc.

 

[noises1990]

Either way, as such I stay away from video games.  I enjoy doing other stuff; reading, playing piano, spending time with friends, walking my dog, cooking, working out etc.

Might be hard to stay away from video games since I work in the industry