I thought I would make a quick post on a subject that is on my mind. I am 24 years old and still a virgin, I am not proud of it but due to my life style I had bad social problems. I view women negatively and I seem to hate them, due to my own insecurities I see them as cheaters, selfish and shallow. the women I have seen with my brothers and what I have viewed and seen through out the internet. Do not get me wrong I'm aware that it not the case or I like the think it is not. I am scared to be honest, mainly because I wouldn't know how to approach a relationship at this stage, a lot of thoughts go through my head, like how will I perform, will she accept me, what do I tell her about my past problems. I'm not sure about you guys but being 24 virgin at this age with porn addiction is really frustrating and honestly bothered me for a long time. This took a lot of courage to write so I would appreciate no negative feed back if you would share your thoughts I would really be happy.
Negative views.
- Thread starter Un1111
- Start date
Viper
Well-Known Member
Welcome-
First of all, there is rarely, if not no negative feedback on this forum.
You may get some tough love but nothing disparaging.
Secondly, it's totally normal to feel anxiety and insecurity while
having initial encounter with a potential lover. Especially if it's your first time.
The confidence comes with experience.
Thirdly, I would probably address the porn addiction before the dating/relationship
issue. Because if you've read any journals, you'll see that porn addiction
is affecting many relationships on here.
First of all, there is rarely, if not no negative feedback on this forum.
You may get some tough love but nothing disparaging.
Secondly, it's totally normal to feel anxiety and insecurity while
having initial encounter with a potential lover. Especially if it's your first time.
The confidence comes with experience.
Thirdly, I would probably address the porn addiction before the dating/relationship
issue. Because if you've read any journals, you'll see that porn addiction
is affecting many relationships on here.
M
Mart71
Guest
Hi,
we all have our insecuritities when it comes to relationships. I got my first real gf in my 20s as well. The opportunity came up and I just grasped it. It wasn't perfect, I even had some P.I.ED (it was the 90s and some of the porn was still "off-line", but still there were issues related to porn).
The thing is, you need to give a potential partner a chance to prove herself to you and you need to allow yourself to trust her - even though she will have flaws and it won't be perfect. Also you can be sure that she will feel that some parts of you will be the "male stereotype" - just as much as she will have traits of how you expect a woman to be. But usually once you fall for someone, the positives by far outweigh the negatives - and you will learn to live with the negatives as well, since they are a part of your partner and you have to accept them as they are, just as they have to accept you. Doesn't prevent anyone from trying to work on that, but starting to accept that people aren't perfect is a good start.
"I am scared to be honest, mainly because I wouldn't know how to approach a relationship at this stage"
Slowly. ; )
You will most likely need rewiring as well for your reboot. So when you start dating, you just take it slow and go with the flow. Btw some girls are super happy that they can be the one you give your virginity to. Since she will be your first and you will always have a special place in your heart for her. So you can even use this as an asset. As your relationship progresses, you can "confess" you are a virgin and you want to take it slow, because you don't want to give it to just anyone. This will allow you to spend weeks or even months without sexual pressure, since you decide when you want to go for sex, when you are ready. A worthy woman should understand this, maybe even appreciate it. The rest will come naturally.
we all have our insecuritities when it comes to relationships. I got my first real gf in my 20s as well. The opportunity came up and I just grasped it. It wasn't perfect, I even had some P.I.ED (it was the 90s and some of the porn was still "off-line", but still there were issues related to porn).
The thing is, you need to give a potential partner a chance to prove herself to you and you need to allow yourself to trust her - even though she will have flaws and it won't be perfect. Also you can be sure that she will feel that some parts of you will be the "male stereotype" - just as much as she will have traits of how you expect a woman to be. But usually once you fall for someone, the positives by far outweigh the negatives - and you will learn to live with the negatives as well, since they are a part of your partner and you have to accept them as they are, just as they have to accept you. Doesn't prevent anyone from trying to work on that, but starting to accept that people aren't perfect is a good start.
"I am scared to be honest, mainly because I wouldn't know how to approach a relationship at this stage"
Slowly. ; )
You will most likely need rewiring as well for your reboot. So when you start dating, you just take it slow and go with the flow. Btw some girls are super happy that they can be the one you give your virginity to. Since she will be your first and you will always have a special place in your heart for her. So you can even use this as an asset. As your relationship progresses, you can "confess" you are a virgin and you want to take it slow, because you don't want to give it to just anyone. This will allow you to spend weeks or even months without sexual pressure, since you decide when you want to go for sex, when you are ready. A worthy woman should understand this, maybe even appreciate it. The rest will come naturally.
It sounds like you are many steps ahead of where you should be starting. Being concerned about how she will react to you sharing something like your addiction or your previous problems is like skipping A, B, and C and going directly to D.
Start off at A. By that, I mean start off with just talking to a girl in whom you are interested. Or even talk to a girl in whom you have no interest. Just experience talking to them, relating, etc. Get to change your impression and you'll start to feel more comfortable around them.
Once you find a girl with whom you want to keep talking, and interacting, then nature will take it's course and you will be a ball of nervous energy as you decide to go up to her and ask her out. But even that point does not create a relationship. Not even if she agrees to go out with you. You could go out with her and come away from it not wanting to see her again. It is easy for a pretty girl to look pretty and gain our interest. Sometimes, however, the layers of the onion are peeled back while dating and you discover that you really have no interest in her beyond being pretty.
The point I'm trying to make is that there are a number of steps to be taken before you are actually in a relationship. And there is no reason to concern yourself with how something is going to affect your relationship until there is a relationship to be affected. She has no business knowing something this personal about you until she has earned your trust and affection, and you are sure that you want her to be part of your life.
You can do this. Just kinda turn your brain off and do it.
Start off at A. By that, I mean start off with just talking to a girl in whom you are interested. Or even talk to a girl in whom you have no interest. Just experience talking to them, relating, etc. Get to change your impression and you'll start to feel more comfortable around them.
Once you find a girl with whom you want to keep talking, and interacting, then nature will take it's course and you will be a ball of nervous energy as you decide to go up to her and ask her out. But even that point does not create a relationship. Not even if she agrees to go out with you. You could go out with her and come away from it not wanting to see her again. It is easy for a pretty girl to look pretty and gain our interest. Sometimes, however, the layers of the onion are peeled back while dating and you discover that you really have no interest in her beyond being pretty.
The point I'm trying to make is that there are a number of steps to be taken before you are actually in a relationship. And there is no reason to concern yourself with how something is going to affect your relationship until there is a relationship to be affected. She has no business knowing something this personal about you until she has earned your trust and affection, and you are sure that you want her to be part of your life.
You can do this. Just kinda turn your brain off and do it.
Wanttobebetter
Member
Hey there Un1111.
You have come to a good place. Indeed it did take a lot of strength on your part to give up your thoughts and worries here, but everybody here relates to each other's problems and the only response you'll get here is compassion, good listeners and advice from people who are trying to learn from you as much as you are hoping for help from them.
So, how are you making out? Are your thoughts coming together? The realization that something is wrong and wanting to set about fixing it is the biggest step you could ever make!!
Let us know how you are doing and keep talking. That is key to getting your life headed where you want it to go.
Stay with us and keep the faith. Help resides here
You have come to a good place. Indeed it did take a lot of strength on your part to give up your thoughts and worries here, but everybody here relates to each other's problems and the only response you'll get here is compassion, good listeners and advice from people who are trying to learn from you as much as you are hoping for help from them.
So, how are you making out? Are your thoughts coming together? The realization that something is wrong and wanting to set about fixing it is the biggest step you could ever make!!
Let us know how you are doing and keep talking. That is key to getting your life headed where you want it to go.
Stay with us and keep the faith. Help resides here