Getting back to life

[CrazyGopher]

Reboot really is a state of mind and I think that I lost state of mind some time ago (something like a year ago, maybe year and a half). Not doing literal PMO does not seem to be enough to me. I guess it has a scientific explanation - all this cuing stuff still activates the same sentisized pathways of looking for novelty and turning on.

Any thoughts, anyone?

Sexual cues definitely seem to cause problems for me during the reboot. If for no other reason than a good cue (maybe seeing some girl with revealing clothing in real life) can scramble my brain for a while and cause flashbacks that last for a few days. It's really distracting.

For the last couple tries, I have made steps to avoid looking at women in real life and also to avoid any kind of television or movies that might contain cues. And, I block images in my web browser to prevent getting (most of) them that way.

All that seems to make the reboot a lot easier.

I am grateful to be in a situation where I am able to minimize my own exposure to cues, if I choose to. It seems like not every guy has that opportunity.

Of course, I should make clear that I have not been able to stay away from porn for nearly so long as you have.

 

[jkkk]

Reboot really is a state of mind and I think that I lost state of mind some time ago (something like a year ago, maybe year and a half). Not doing literal PMO does not seem to be enough to me. I guess it has a scientific explanation - all this cuing stuff still activates the same sentisized pathways of looking for novelty and turning on.

Any thoughts, anyone?

Sexual cues definitely seem to cause problems for me during the reboot. If for no other reason than a good cue (maybe seeing some girl with revealing clothing in real life) can scramble my brain for a while and cause flashbacks that last for a few days. It's really distracting.

For the last couple tries, I have made steps to avoid looking at women in real life and also to avoid any kind of television or movies that might contain cues. And, I block images in my web browser to prevent getting (most of) them that way.

All that seems to make the reboot a lot easier.

I am grateful to be in a situation where I am able to minimize my own exposure to cues, if I choose to. It seems like not every guy has that opportunity.

Of course, I should make clear that I have not been able to stay away from porn for nearly so long as you have.

I think it's essential to eliminate the cues. They really are the part of the problem, simply one of the guises of "P".

Or maybe they are simply the part of our problems i.e. your and mine. By being on this forum I learn that this addiction really affects people differently and however some features are common for everyone, others are not.

I am doing the same - trying to look away in real life. It's funny but it seems a bit easier to avoid cues on the net - when I see anything like that on the horizon I simply close the window and it's gone. It's more difficult to close out someone you're seeing with your own eyes. Anyhow, we have to stay in this strong and together - if you come across any findings on these issues please pop by here. This is a really tricky condition, one cannot cure alone.

 

[jkkk]

Of course, I should make clear that I have not been able to stay away from porn for nearly so long as you have.

One more thing: it really doesn't matter that you didn't. I can only say I was unable to capitalize on that and build a solid enough foundation for permanent reboot. And reboot is really a reboot, to me, if it stays that way. The word "reboot" is therefore somewhat tricky to me - usually after a reboot you go to normal mode: this where I went and this is not the solution. I want to reboot and stay that way. I had enough of sexual unhealthiness, distraction, dissatisfaction, anxiety in life. Maybe these are not all only down to PMO, but PMO serves as a bad medicine as it gets you to a vicious circle altogether. And PMO like any addiction will only make you rationalize: "just this one time, not a big deal". This is why it's so dangerous.

 

[Dboy]

Thats's awesome! I use adblock and stay away from skipping around videos on youtube.

That also works.     

 

[Dboy]

I look away from sexy stuff (on a screen) these days. I know looking will lead to arousal and what do I do with that arousal? I know what I used to do but thats not the game plan. You are aware of your behavior and that is really great I think!

I agree, & do the same. trouble is There's a lot of sexy stuff floating around  the web & on TV. I use this technique called the "Triple A Method "

Alert- realize it's inappropriate for you
Avert - look away or think of something else if you're imagining
Affirm - give yourself a mental high 5, congratulate yourself for being strong. say "I didn't mean to see that, I've been clean for x days & I'll stay that way"

It really helps.

Sounds great

I particularly like the high five point - we all deserve affirmation for our effort!

Absolutely!    We do & it helps keep you strong.

 

[jkkk]

Update on my reboot:

Things are going well.

On some occasions I must curb myself when I'm on the Internet and things spin out of control, and I open link only due to the dopamine-spiking that it has (be it women, gossip or mix of the both). My habits and the way I use Internet are really bad. I have to be alert.

It's also not always easy to no look back at women. My tactic is that I can't blame for noticing an attractive woman - what matters is what happens afterwards. My rule is to not look twice, especially if I feel the urge to do so (which is almost always the case...). I noticed it gets easier with time. I almost say that there are situations which take by surpise. I think twice in recent weeks I just blatanly bumped into some attractive women. The funny thing is that a "flash" of that situation is created in my brain and it sometimes "flashes back". But if I let it go, it wanes. It's astonishing how our (addicted) brains work. Little bit scary, too.

But still - I feel much better than before reboot. I have my goals, I want to reach them. I want live the life I have been given from high above. I think its pretty damn good and I avoided it for a very long time.

 

[jkkk]

Update:

1. Just had a really bad night sleep. Actually, for the last few days I had quite vivid dreams. I usually do not remember my dreams at all, but on all of previous three nights I remembered them and they were bad dreams. Nothing connected with PMO, though (at least that's not something I remember). But this night not only did I have a quite bad dream, but I just couldn't fall asleep and I was very nervous, anxious in my bed. It's really unpleasant and it reminds me of my first reboot, where I really had an incredibly nasty withdrawal, also in the sleeping department.

So I'm thinking if it's not this phase of reboot kicking in. Any words of support would be much appreciated.

But there also might be another stressful thing in my life affecting me now, which leads me to point 2.

2. I have beed seeing a psychotherapist for more than 3,5 years now, once in a week. It is a paid therapy, it is not cheap and so it forms a significant amount of my budget every month (around 1/4 of what I have left after paying the bills). I started seeing him around the beginning (or actually some time after) of my first reboot (which started 4 years ago, this is my second reboot).

During the therapy we covered an awful lot of different topics. All aspect of life were discussed: childhood issues, raising up, relationship with parents and so on. At times these have been very fruitful discussions. At other times - not so much. I would say generally that there were phases where things were fruitful and other phases when it wasn't that fantastic.

While seeing him I many times thought of finishing the therapy. Most of those thoughts were actually signs that I was not doing particularly: avoiding some issues, relapsing or something like that. Many times during my therapy I thought to myself that I do need support but I was thinking about some different type of support: I heard about group therapy and I was thinking that maybe that would do the trick. My therapy covered my addictions as a first-hand issue and we discussed tons of stuff connected with it in the beginning of the therapy (I think at least for 1,5-2 years) but I must say that I had this impression that my therapist is sometimes not taking the addiction's force too serious. He was always asking me to look behind the mere addictive behaviours and think about emotional backgrounds in which those situations operate. And obviously its a proper attitude, something which is a very important lesson that will stay with me for the rest of my life. But I have this feeling that when I had slip-ups or relapses, he was not always so considerate. This is where I was thinking that a group of fellow recovering addicts might be a good company: they know how this works, what are the emotional states that are together with them and so on.

And then, a few weeks ago, I found this place and decided to just start. Not wait for anything. Just start the reboot, here and now, with those of you who are there and want to join, help, support. Very idealistic, but this seems to me an idealistic place. It should be this way. This is important.

After I started out here, I decided to speak to my therapist and tell him that I wanted to tune out of the therapy and I set the end of June as a date. It gave me some time to wrap some issues up and to get ready, as finishing therapy after such a long time obviously would not be an easy thing.

What hurts and stresses me now is that my therapist, although he did not generally question my need to finish the therapy, questioned why did I choose the end of June and why did I think it was a good date. In between the lines there was a suggestion that this was too early and that setting an exact date might not be a good idea. I of course told him that I joined the forum here and that I liked the place. Also when I discussed with him the fact that I had a PE problem, which I understood myself no further than three weeks ago (after finding an article about PE on YourBrainOnPorn.com), just before joining the forum, he said that he was surprised that I was telling him about it so late in therapy. I honestly think that it is not OK, and I will tell him that when I meet him on Wednesday, but obviously that stresses me out a lot.

What is characteristic about all this is these discussions were going on for our last three therapy sessions and I only had the balls to bring them out today. I don't know why really. I think I felt shame. Why? I don't know, I only know that shame is very connected with this addiction.

Any help, ideas, thoughts, support, impressions or your own experiences (even the extreme ones) are very much appreciated.

Also if you guys had any questions after reading the above, just ask. I might be missing something myself.

 

[LarrySheets]

Perhaps more than most addictions, I've found P addiction to be extremely extremely difficult to bring up. I never brought it up with any of my previous doctors. Only 1 other person knows about it, and the one time I brought it up with an exgirlfriend, she was really hurt and did not deal with it well.

I think the reason why it is so problematic is that the medical science community is just starting to understand how severe this kind of addiction can be. So, most therapists do not even have this kind of thing on their radar screen. It leads to a certain type of intolerance, etc. At the same time, it is quite difficult to just bring up. I'm not sure why it is so embarassing, but I agree - it really is. I am thinking about explaining my situation to one of my family members in a month or so, and I'm a little nervous to see what happens.

Funny, now that I think about it, I was going to a therapist years back when I told my ex-gf. I literally never brought it up, but I desperately wanted to. I just did not think that the therapist would provide any useful help or would be capable of talking about it in a supportive way. So, it's not just you.

 

[SETI]

I would say that its hard to depend on other people who are not really informed about porn addiction and its effects. My experience is that people generally want the problem to be something else, rather than porn. Maybe the psychologist watches porn and thinks its the best way to relax after a busy day?

I also found this when I told my brother about my reboot. He would rather see it being anxiety or just not trying enough with girls. Maybe there is also a little truth in other views, but for the sake of getting through a reboot, I would say we need support from people who have some idea about this problem.

There is a lot of shame and I feel that is what really gets us. Its either we come clean or we hide it like the rest. But hiding is not very satisfying so maybe the alternative is better.

Since you saw your therapist for so many years, maybe you would like to share this with him? Who knows, there might be some benefit.

 

[jkkk]

Guys,

Thanks a lot for your replies and sharing your views!

I really appreciate, it means an awful lot to share with you people here.

I spoke to my therapist. I think he supports me in finishing my therapy, but I think he is concerned that I give myself enough time to get through this and that maybe setting a stiff "cut-off" date does not serve that purpose well. I think he may have a point. I really got used to sharing some of my problems with him every week and I have to get through the idea that it won't be possible any more once the therapy is finished.

Update on the reboot front:

I'm doing OK, I think. I think I am in a bit of a flatline, where my libido feels a bit low. I manage to go about without P and I avoid cues on the net. But really, to me that is fairly easy compared to cues in real world: I now work intensively on my behaviour in public places - not to stare or gaze at woman and constantly compare them to my wife. It's difficult - I know see how ingrained this has become in my perception of women Does anybody have a similar problem?

 

[jkkk]

Update:

1. I relapsed. Not now, but I relapsed something like a year ago. And I was in this relapse for a year at least, up to the time that I now started my second reboot.

I relapsed because the time from my original reboot, 4 years ago, was too long and I did not build on my success then. I now know that my biggest issues for all those years were seemingly "casual" Internet pics (swimsuits, celebrities, models, facebook) and objectifying women. And I went on with those issues for a long time. P viewing happened as well, but not frequently - every now and then. Not much and every time I came with a stronger resolve to avoid P. M happened as well, sometimes just by normal touching, sometimes together with P. But not much.

Yet it was enough. Those were the cranks in the armour. This is how the good of reboot was gone, not upheld.

I'm posting that here so that you guys know that this fight does not stop after reaching 365 days without PMO. It continues for the rest of our lives. No jokes.

This realization that I relapsed a year ago and was in this relapse, hit me like a train. It's sad. I am scared of this addiction.

Of course I had "good reasons" to relapse. I was getting married last year and however a beautiful thing it was, you get stressed and doubts and difficult questions cross one's mind in such a time. So I had "good reasons". But this relapse has screwed the first few months of my marriage - I was out of tone with myself, with my feelings, emotions. Sex was bad - PE and all that.

2. But hey, I'm hanging in. I'm not going to give up easily.

I already learned a lot - "Objectifying Women" is the thread that gave me an awful lot because I have such a big problem with that.

I'll try to be around for as long as possible, with you guys (and gals!).

 

[jkkk]

Hey Guys,

I'm having a quite stressful time. Just learned today that I will have an interview for a new position in another firm. It's all very flattering because I have been called up by the firm (I met with them once in the past, some 3 years ago). I'm excited but a bit stressed as well, which I guess is normal. I have no idea what kind of interesting thing do they have their for (or rather if it is interesting).

Hopefully I will learn that tomorrow and let you guys now.

J.

 

[SETI]

Hey Guys,

I'm having a quite stressful time. Just learned today that I will have an interview for a new position in another firm. It's all very flattering because I have been called up by the firm (I met with them once in the past, some 3 years ago). I'm excited but a bit stressed as well, which I guess is normal. I have no idea what kind of interesting thing do they have their for (or rather if it is interesting).

Hopefully I will learn that tomorrow and let you guys now.

J.

Best of luck on your interview! Stress is needed for performing. Just make sure you take time to relax and enjoy yourself!

 

[HGA321]

Good luck! 

 

[jkkk]

SETI and HGA 321 -> thanks guys!

The interview went OK, I have another one on Wednesday.

I noticed something about this whole situation - it is difficult, it is stressful.

I get stressed, I experience difficult emotions: fear, anxiety, feeling unsure, feeling indecision.

For years and years situations like that drew me back to my addiction. It's just a knee-jerk reaction.

So here I am, on this forum that I believe is a new beginning in my recovery. I've been recovering for 4 years. I relapsed. Only now I think I'm starting to understand all the aspects of my addiction. And stress kicks in again. It ruined my reboots in the past. Or I should rather - I let it ruin my reboots.

I don't want that anymore. I acknowledge that stress is there and it ain't a cakewalk now. I still don't know whether I will receive any offer of moving jobs and I still don't know what my decision will be. The situation is far from comfortable.

I want to keep in this. So keep your fingers crossed for me and share your thoughts and feelings if you have any similar experiences.

 

[jkkk]

Well I'm not doing particularly well at the moment.

The recruitment process is going on, I do not yet whether they will offer me the job. And I also don't know on what pay, whether I will get better pay that I have in my current job. They said my demands (which basically means a salary higher by 20% compared to my current job) are "high". It's a bit of a letdown because I just though it's a firm that pays good money.

Salary isn't everything of course. I spoke to a few friends in my industry and they all think that this job might be a nice chance to do something that I want to specialize in.

So a lot of mixed feelings - a bit of excitement (of possibly moving to a better job), a bit of anxiety (whether that job really is better and whether I would do well; I'm a bit scared of my current bosses reaction as well - they might not be happy), a bit of misdecision (whether I should make the move if they put the offer on the table). A fear whether they will choose me - pretty much a self-confidence thing, not my strong spot.

All the above goes against a backdrop of my previous career choices and events.

If any of you read my introductory post, I already screwed a few career chances when I was starting my first reboot 4 years ago. The addiction took its toll on me then - I had severe anxiety, panic attacks and so on. I remember I got a panick attack on the first day of my internship at one firm. The next day I decided to drop the internship, I felt I could not do it... It's one of my darkest memories of where this all sh*t took me.

I had another hard time two and a half year ago. At that time I was working in quite a prestigious firm in my industry. After 8 months of introductory agreement they told that they can't offer me a permanent stay due to financial difficulties. They told the same thing to other 3 of my peers back then, but somehow I was the only one who left the firm. In hindsight I know that well, I basically did noty fight. I found another job, in which I am now, which is much less prestigious. I like my job a lot, I learned an awful lot, but still I am not doing the stuff I would like to specialize in.

This situation doesn't help with the reboot a lot. I am more stressed than usual. Objectifying is a problem, it intensifies.

I also saw a movie yesterday, which was a bit triggering and a bit very spot on. It's called "Thanks for sharing" and it's about sex addiction. It seems to be better than most of the movies on sex addiction, it's quite realistic and makes a few very good points that I will take with me. But nonetheless there are triggering scenes (the movie basically shows relapses), so beware.

If any of you guys have any words of support or can relate to my situation, please do. Thanks!

 

[jkkk]

I had a strong urge today to watch P. I somehow resisted: I thought about this forum and about the process I'm in and about my objectives. And so the urges faded.

I do feel stressed.

The situation with regard to the recruitment process is unclear as well. I still don't know where I'm standing with that.

The situation with my work in general became more complicated. I learned a week ago that the firm I'm working at now will be dissolved. Basically the partners are leaving each other and setting up new firms. So it seems now that regardless of whether I do anything or not, my workplace will change anyway...

That's quite a lot happening at once.

I spoke today with my therapist and I realized that al lot of stress, anxiety and dissatisfaction in my life comes from the fact that it really is high time for me to "man up": stop complaining and really start working hard so that I can provide for my family and lay a foundation for the functioning of the family. I've been escaping that a bit. I have been waiting for things (work, career, sex etc.) to "sort out themselves" and I've been angry that life/people around me didn't give me what I expected. This attitude is really pretty much me.

Now it turns out I have to take risk and put effort in every single are of the above. It overwhelms me a bit.

 

[SETI]

I feel you. There is always something cracking in the edges and we can't escape that. The need to "man up" is very scary and old habits seem so comforting. I think you are right in that we have to make an effort sometimes. At the same time, some things are best overcome by relaxing.

Also, we are not fixed. You are not your attitude. If you really want to change anything in your life, that is really a lot more important than actually changing anything. Thats what I think anyways. When you want something, our natural intelligence will kick in, but if we don't want to, then there will always be a lot of obstacles and the change is superficial.

I hope it all works out for the best for you!

 

[jkkk]

SETI -> thanks for your words, bro.

Yes it is scary and old habits are comforting.

I just rediscovered it today, when I slipped up: I started watching unsafe images and touching myself. I went into that despite K9 warning me no to enter the site.

That didn't happen all of a sudden: yesterday and the day before that were crucial.

On Thursday I spotted an attractive girl at the bus stop. I turned around the car to have a look at her. I knew it was wrong, yet I did it.

Yesterday I was at a party where there was an attractive woman. I looked at her many times, much more and longer I know is safe. Then I was trying to find her on the Internet. I knew also this was wrong.

I thought: this is not going in a good direction. Even today, before entering that site with images of women, I though "why not get on Reboot Nation and write about it?". But I didn't do it. I did it only now. Now I'm feeling strong urges, as the dopamine kicked in and wants more.

I've been recovering for four years, I learned a lot. But often I forget or ignore that knowledge. I know the symptoms and the red lights, but I choose to ignore them.

This addiction is strong, there's no way I can do this alone, so I'm asking you guys for help.


The last time is stressful for me, that's for sure. If I had a look at what's going on with me now, it would be that:
1. this job offering that I wrote about does not seem to go anywhere - they did not contact me, even though they said it would be imperative to do so before the end of month
2. my current job situation complicated - my boss decided to secede from his business partner and wants to set up his own firm; he wants to commit, which is pretty difficult taking into account point 1.
3. I am having issues regarding sex with my wife - mainly with PE; due to that the sex is simply not satisfying, nor fun, it is stressful
4. I feel that I am not fulfilling the expectations that I have towards myself and that my wife has towards me - it only in the sex departments, but also with other things - my wife would like us to buy a flat and a new car, but well, we don't have the money and mortgages would be very costly. At the same time I don't feel like having a stable job in light of all the above.

There's just a lot of anxiety. In me.

 

[jkkk]

I watched P on Saturday, twice, once before posting on RN, and once after.

I managed to stay away yesterday, but I got to a P site a moment ago, actually just before writing this message :/

It feels as if I'm on some kind of crossroads: very close to looking for help and very close to P....

It does not help with anything. It's just a way for me to escape the difficult feelings:

- I feel rejected because a job opportunity that arose seems to be going nowhere; I was told by recruiters that I will be contacted by the end of month and nothing happened until now; of course, I don't know if they rejected me altogether but everything seems to be pointing in that direction

- I feel anxious because my current job that I am is changing; the partners at the firm decided to split; one of them offered me to with him but I can see even from him that he is stressed about the situation because his situation is not that stable at all; also some workers will go with the other partner, so basically, the place will change a lot and will not be the same any more

- I feel disillusioned because the sex life with my wife does not look like I thought it would; my wife is a very attractive women according to many women and men, but I am constantly dissatisfied with her looks (like I think she could have bigger breasts or wear different clothes); it goes down to absurd as sometimes I think like all women are more attractive than her

- but I sometimes think that I am actually more disillusioned with myself; I set myself some goals; like I thought that by this time in my age I would already have a great job, with a good growth opportunity and money enough so that I need not to care about anything; I also thought that I would be able to give my wife some great orgasms - while the reality is that I suffer from PE and none of this is happening

- I feel powerless with this PMO addiction - even if I stay away from PMO, I immediately objectify women around me. If I do PMO, then suddenly I don't notice any other women...

And now I am feeling very strong urges I know I can tell myself - "just one day at a time" but this current situation is so difficult, I feel like" fuck this all, let's just PMO, or watch P and edge" (I have this strange thing that I don't want to O when watching P - afterwards I think I'm OK if I managed to abstain from O. I know it's bullshit as regards the reboot...)...