Getting back to life

S

SETI

Active Member
Not to trivialize your problems, but a big problem with desire for "more" is that the feeling of desire makes the feeling of contentment impossible. So there are different way to think about it. Either less desire ---> more contentment, or habituate being content ---> less desire. Both could work.

The way this situation sounds to me is that you are expecting quite a lot from life in general, and what you have at the moment is not worth *anything*. Let's say you got all the things you wanted that you list here? More money, better job etc. Would that really satisfy you? Do you think there is a level where you won't be feeling like there ought to be more?

Personally, I have turned to spirituality to answer some of these questions. Even though I suffer from the same things you are, I find that it helps to actually address the feelings of dissatisfaction instead of only looking at "what causes it". Do you know what I mean?

The need to "be someone" and to "perform" comes to mind when reading this last post. That means what you are at the moment isn't good enough. What does that attitude do to you? Does it make you relax and have fun, or are you feeling anxiety and stress over all these things which you have seemingly no control over? Setting a goal and not hitting that goal is a great example of not being in control. It happens to me all the time and even though I think I am in control I am not. All I can do is make an effort in the direction I want to go, but the rest is not up to me.

I feel your pain in this and hopefully you will find the answers you need. Keep posting and be content ;)
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
SETI, what you wrote is spot on.

I will take those words and think about them.

For now, I'm down. I just learned that the recruitment process is over and they will not hire me.

I PMO'd. I tried to do it fast and not to edge much. This whole P stuff is disgusting. I have this feeling as if I have seen it all. Yet, it drags me on and on back to itself.

It's difficult now.

But I am here. I will soldier on, with a little help of this community. Thanks, SETI, for your words. It means a lot.
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
OK. So as a matter of principle I'll trying putting in here 30 posts in 30 days (ie. every day). This is a challenge. I'm planning vacation for a few days in July, so I wonder how will I manage to keep the promise then.

Today was difficult. I had really strong urges to watch P, flashbacks of P that I watched... I still have all that. I'm telling myself, "just not today"... That's the best I can get at the moment.

I'm thinking of putting another gear with regard to the reboot. I think I took things for granted and decided I do not have to take certain steps.

Also, there is this reboot principle (that Gabe underlines a lot) of finding something to occupy one's time, mind and motivation. In fact, there are a lot of things I would like to do or change in my life. I would need to make up a list. We'll see. One day at a time.
 
L

LarrySheets

Member
One day at a time!!! When things are tough, that is a good way to look at the process. Do whatever you need to do to get through that day. One key thing is to get out of the house and away from the computer! You can do it!!
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
Well, today I've been called by yet another headhunter. Have no clue what's going on.

But I will approach this situation more calmly now.

I spoke to my therapist today and he had some pretty interesting stuff to say about how he sees what led to me relapse.

I very much want to share it with you guys, but let's let leave it for tomorrow. It's late night in my place now.
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
I PMO'd a moment ago.

I knew I should not do it. I knew I would regret it. I fought for a while, then I thought about retreating and... it was all gone.

Again, not being here yesterday - not a good idea.

I set up a counter a moment ago, though. That's good. At least this good this situation brought.

Why did I do it? I guess I'm addicted - that's my way to relieve stress, that's my very hardly inprinted way to relieve stress.

I had a hectic few days now at work:

- a very demanding time with lots of work, lots of e-mails, a very long meeting yesterday and lots of pressure from clients (not the "business as usual" time)

- as I wrote before, the firm I'm working at is breaking up and I'm witnessing how are people behaving in that setting, how people with whom I work and on whom my worklife is somehow based now are behaving towards each other and believe me, there is not much good that I can say about how they behave; I'm in the middle of this, listening, mediating, and so on...

- I received a call from this other headhunter recently; even though I'm pretty sure I'm going nowhere in the near future as I have to prepare for an exam in March, it still is stressful to know that something is going on behind the lines

- I learned that my wife and I we have to move out from our current flat as the landlady is not going to prolong our rent here; we have to basically rent out a new flat. Most likely it will be more expensive than the current one and probably not located as good. Eh...

That's it.

But this is life, one might say. It's quite a lot at once, but still it's life.

And this is why I wanted to share something I spoke about with my therapist on Wednesday: maybe it could be useful for some of you guys. It certainly was for me. It was one of those meetings with him, where I really felt enlightened afterwards.

We talked about why do so many real life situations as the ones that I present above, affect me so profoundly that they cause a need to react, this reaction being connected with my addiction: PMO, objectifying and so on. I will put below in a graph/points what we came up with.

_ _ _ _ _ _

1. A need for unconditionality

I have unfulfilled needs for receiving the unconditional: feelings, gratifications, approval. It's a nagging thing to just get something from others unconditionally, for nothing in return from my side. These needs probably stem back to my childhood/adolescence, where I feel I did not get enough of these from the outside world. It might be that my needs were very significant. It might also be that I did not get what I still deserved, as a small child. The bottom line is - it stuck with me. I still have it on me.

2. I choose wrong people to address my need of unconditionality

I expect people around me to now give me these unconditional feelings/gratifications. I expect that from my wife, my boss, people at work, from work in general. I could even add my landlady here, I'm afraid.

3. I experience painful feelings of anger, disillusion and sadness because the people to whom my address my need of unconditionality, do not satisfy it

That might be the most obvious part: why would my boss satisfy that need? Why would the landlady do so? Even my wife - why should she do that? Some might say you deserve unconditional in a marriage but I doubt that. Marriage is a contract, an agreement really. You give some, you take some.

4. The painful feelings crave for being released, took out, reacted and this is where the addiction kicks in and I react by indulging in

This is why, in short, I did PMO last week and I did it again today. Last week was pretty bad as I waited for a reply in one recruitment process. This week was bad as another started and I had to confront very difficult and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts at work.

_ _ _ _ _ _


It may sound like a perfect explanation. But I'm not trying to explain myself. It's bad I got back to it and it makes me feel really wrong. It was really OK this week and then this went out of the blue. I was tired, stressed, angry and left alone at night with a computer. That's a pretty clear set of triggers for me and I know them. I cannot say I'm surprised.

The way I address my need of unconditional - this is really important for me. If I can understand that the world around me is conditional, and that unconditional belongs to the God (or the Higher Power, however you call it) and I must expect the latter from him only, then I will be OK. It might sound like a cliche, but I really think it might be it.

Pray (or simply wish well) for me so that I can get to that point. I pray for you guys often. And I confirm my readiness to get out to you guys as often as possible - just PM me
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
I'm checking in.

Everything's going fine. A lot of things to do in work, though, at the moment.

And looking for a new flat. Quite a challenge, honestly.
 
F

fnatk

Active Member
Hey jkkk, it sounds like you've really had a rough time dude. However, you can really only get better from now on! I was wondering, does your wife know about your PMO addiction? You sound like you're putting huge amounts of pressure on yourself to just fix everything and be some kind of "perfect successful man" and not letting yourself actually deal with what you're going through.

Never mind your work situation and potential jobs, what are you doing to make YOURSELF feel better? Have you started working out? Perhaps found a new hobby or picked up an old one? You do sound like you get stressed a lot and perhaps you need help relaxing after a day at work, maybe going to a spa for a massage or perhaps a long steam in a sauna?

If you haven't told your wife yet, I think that should be your first step!
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
Hey fnatk,

I can see your point there. You are right - lately I've been having problems with actually finding time to do something I like and enjoy. This is not good. I told my wife about my PMO problem - a long long time ago. She knows. She knows about this forum as well.

I'm checking in here - got an awful lot of work on my plate at the moment.

I feel vulnerable at the moment so I'm saying to myself: just give yourself some time, wait til tomorrow, do not make decisions now.

Any words of encouragement will be much appreciated.
 
F

fnatk

Active Member
I'm sorry you seem to have had so much on your plate lately! It can't be easy to deal with no PMO at the same time but I'm real impressed that you're sticking with it so far! Someone who doesn't understand this addiction might say "Oh 4 days without PMO so what?" but everyone here (hopefully) understands how even 4 days is a really big step, just like every day afterwards!

If you are like me (And so many others!) you've previously turned to PMO as soon as you encounter a hint of stress, depression, loneliness etc... yet here you are, 4 days free from it despite not finding the time to do something just for yourself. It might sound weird to put a workout in that category but, it truly does feel great to workout and push yourself! Either way, I hope you find some more spare time this week so you can unwind, relax or just knock the crap out of a tennis/soccer/baseball :)

Feeling vulnerable is not a pleasant feeling but whenever you do, come to the forum, read success stories, peoples journals etc to remind you why you're doing this :)
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
Hey fnatk, thanks for giving me a thumbs up! :)

I had very busy two days at work. I hope for some swimming tomorrow.
 
S

SETI

Active Member
Swimming! I had some great results from that winter of 2013. Was such a calming activity.
Its good to see you are staying on track my friend!
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
I had a difficult day today. Was alone in my parents house and very strong urges to looked at P kicked in. I decided to ignore that. But it was really painful. It felt like a part of myself is betraying another part... Really scary, but true.
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
Getting back here.

I cannot say that it has been much calmer recently.

As I wrote recently, my wife and I, we have to move out of the flat that we rent currently. Quite a big logistic operation.

Thing is we found quite a nice flat to buy. We were thinking about buying a flat for some time now. We were looking around and searching for something. Now this one appeared.

It ain't cheap as you may imagine. We of course do not have cash to buy it, so we would have to take a mortgage.

Honestly, I've been trying to put that off for as long as possible. It's a big undertaking, stress-creator, a responsible step and so on.


Surely, the addiction to PMO and the various consequences it creates, in particular a general dissatisfaction with life (coming from desensitization), anxiety, lack of energy, never helped in achieving any life goals nor did it help in finding courage to take risks, steps and move forward. It's my general view, it might be that it hasn't got anything to do with PMO addiction, but... I think it does. I guess many of us here would agree.

There have been some further research on sex addictions, good to have a look I think:

http://www.bbc.com/news/health-28252612
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
hey guys,

Checking in. Still alive, though the times are really eventful and stressful (see above).

Some things that happen aren't very cool, but I have to get over them. I have to stop feeling too much and think about what I feel and why I feel. Just as I wrote above some time ago.
 
S

SETI

Active Member
Hey J,

I think most people need to get a mortage to be able to get a place to live. Its just part of life. I know it is a little scary to get "tied up" like that but its not always possible to do things  without depending on other things than oneself.

Could be a cool step for you also to get comfy in you "grown up man" shoes ;)
 
S

SETI

Active Member
Hey man!

I am happy to see you have reached 14 days. That is awesome considering you are under some stress. This way you are getting stronger and more durable by the day (I think)!

Hit us with a few lines any time you feel. I have been quite busy myself last few days but I keep an eye here as best I can.
 
J

jkkk

Well-Known Member
Thanks Larry and Seti for your congrats.

I'm trying my best and it's great to hear good words from you guys. I just really hate this PMO and it really scares the shit out of me, honestly. I don't know what are you experiences but the powerlessness toward addiction is really a sad and strong thing. It's always dangerous for me to forget about it.

I stayed away from PMO, but things have not been so well as regards objectification of women - I caught myself perusing facebook or with a wandering eye in the public places. This is also my chaser effect and I know it now for some time. Every move has a consequence. It's a challenge for me to drop that objectification. It is so much.

As regards the stress - yes, it's still there. I'm in this flat issue. I analyzed it a bit, I tried and I'm thinking that this might be a good idea. As you wrote SETI, most people probably have to take a mortgage to have somewhere to live. I've been in the market for some time now, looking at stuff, and this one now is not bad compared to what I saw. Still I'm scared. It's a big thing. But then, well, I guess it's easier not to make any decisions. But it might be a bit depressing, too.

Thing that concerns me is that my wife is very after this idea. Which means I feel a bit of pressure from her side. I guess that's what having a wife might mean ;) It's just a factor that can't be ignored. My wife does not have unrealistic expectations about me or life in general, but she actually always said that she would like to buy a flat instead of renting one. I guess the chickens come to the roost, so to speak ;)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top