Last night, I was downstairs having wine with some friends. My guy chose to go upstairs to play video games rather than submerge himself in a room full of cackling estrogen. Understood. I came upstairs at the end of the night to start getting ready for bed and I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that he had been doing more than just playing video games. Could just be me dealing with trust issues still and trying to protect myself from this happening to me again, I don't know.
Anyway, I went in and he was already in the bathroom. He'd left his phone on the dresser and I had that feeling, so I had to look. Things looked fine, except I noticed that in his Safari app, there was no history. He'd cleared it, and that must have just happened because it was his most recently opened app in his phone. I put the phone back, but when he came back up my blood was already boiling.
I didn't mention the phone, but I told him about the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. He told me nothing happened, that he was just playing video games. He swore up and down he was being completely honest with me and I had no choice but to accept that. I told him I'm just mad that I have to get that feeling sometimes still, that I have to worry if he can handle being alone for a few hours by himself. And I'm still mad that he did this to us in the first place. But I stopped myself and told him that I know this existed before I was even around, I just forget that sometimes because I was oblivious until it affected our relationship.
I don't know what to think about the phone. I guess I have to let it go because there's no way of proving anything and who knows? Maybe he just needed to clear some memory on his phone; I could be taking something completely innocent and turning it into a huge issue, or maybe it's what I fear most. I'll never know, and that's the worst. I don't even want to ask him because I know he'll be mad at me for not trusting him even though he's the cause of that. Ugh. This sucks. This sucks so much.
