With Each Failure Brings New Wisdom - Mission Reboot

[MikeBit21]

Gentleman,

Name's Maher and I'm 26 years old, heavy Porn and Masturbation addict since I was in High School.

I'm keeping this short and to the point because I want to see who actually wants to listen to my story before I go on and post something enormous. Because I want replies. Not glance overs.

My Porn and Masturbation addiction is so bad that I'm no longer able to maintain an erection even while PMOing. I have not had a 100% erection in at least five years.

Self stimulation while using imagination gives me about a 40% erection at best.

I reach O extremely fast its embarrassing.

I have not dated in over 5 years due to my PIED and it scares me horrendously to even try.

First experienced PIED symptoms when I was going to lose my virginity to a beautiful blonde girl I had a massive crush on - couldn't perform and went flat (I was 20 maybe, definitely in my early college days)

PIED symptoms continued as I dated other girls growing up. Was never able to have pleasurable sex - period.

In my final 2 years in college I realized I had problems because my erections got weaker and weaker, even with porn. Scared me to death. But I ignored my symptoms and thought it was nothing - continued to PMO, many days more than once a day, until I turned 24, which is when I found YBOP and learned about what was causing all my problems.

Attempted multiple reboots since then, most of which only lasted 2 weeks at best. Then I hit 30 days, once 60, and my most recent was 90. However, I must admit that during these days of no PMO, there were sessions of edging and sometimes I'd even glance at P.

During my 90 day streak, I'd edge on occasion and a couple times out of those 90 days I looked at P (which ended up being an interesting lesson learned because that proved to me everything I'm experiencing is from P and masturbation).

I need to point out that I was doing hard mode during these times. I only want to do hard mode. I want to quit both P and M all together - forever. I don't want to O unless it's someone else making me O.

Summary in a nutshell: I have severe PIED. During my 90 days where I was consistent, I noticed many things showing me the reboot was working. But I relapsed early April and it is as they say - the downward spiral is real and I've not been able to go over 1 week since then.

Goal: Completely live PMO, MO, and O free. Unless I'm with a woman, no self-stimulation because I'm convinced that this habit has destroyed this part of my life and the trickle affect is unbelievably real. Demotivates you, kills your drive, makes you feel worthless, no chance of kids, girlfriend and/or wife, social anxiety like no other, need I go on?


I'm looking for an accountability partner - and before you get on me about posting in there - I already did. Please message me if you are available. I'd like someone who is around my age and has a very difficult time with PIED/PMO.

If some of you guys would like for me to expand and add detail, I'll be more than happy to as long as I know I have people listening to me. I don't want to post anything here and have it fall on deaf ears because that makes me even more depressed.

Thanks,

~ Maher

 

[LerouK]

Hi there,
everyone has story worth reading, and you never know who you can help with your post. Even if people don't reply, they still can read it and find very useful information there (I've been "anonymous reader"  like that for quite long time as well). You never know if it won't be your post, which will inspire someone to take that journey too.

For myself, I would be quite interested in benefits you've seen during that 90 days streak, difficulties you're having after relapse and how you're dealing with them. Write more about what reasons have made you go for it, when was that time you realized you have problem don't want to tolerate anymore and decided to do something about it.

looking forward to read more from you
-LerouK-

 

[Datsyk]

Hey Maher!

Welcome to the boards. I'm rather new here myself, but I couldn't tell from your post whether this was your first time on the forum or if you had just been a lurker, but either way: Welcome.

I had similar problems trying to reboot by myself, having to use edging sessions, and having serious problems keeping a healthy sex life. You are on the right path now, just keep your head in the game (the big head, not the little one), and you will go far. Try to keep your attitude positive. I have found that it really helps to keep a positive attitude about where you are going, it makes the journey a lot shorter and brighter.

Anyway, good luck to you.

-Datsyk

 

[MikeBit21]

Thanks guys,

LerouK - during my 90 day streak, it was very fascinating to see how my body was reacting during this time and had actually taught me quite a lot. The most important thing it taught me was that rebooting is very real and there's hope.

The benefits I experienced during this time are but not limited to:

~ Improved focus/concentration (brain fog went away)
~ Improved motivation and drive to get outside and do something.
~ Increased energy
~ Decreased social anxiety
~ Improved overall mood - outlook on life was much more positive
~ NO MORE BLUE BALLS! I used to wonder how people dealt with this and as it turns out, it wasn't a problem anymore after a while.

I know my brain is totally cracked out because there were times when I'd watch softcore porn on HBO and honestly it was an eye opener. For one, I could O without even touching myself. The dopamine rush was so strong that it made my entire body, especially my head, feel awful high and heavy. It also made my heart race. It was quite honestly the craziest thing I've felt - but it proved to me that the reboot is working. By starving your brain of dopamine, once you get that rush, it hits you like a freight train its unbelievable. To think that I could come to O without even touching myself is insane - just by watching some of the stupid stuff??? That's what basically told me - stay away from P period no matter what. I came close to O twice doing this and was disciplined enough to stop myself at the time. I had very vivid dreams. One ended up a complete wet dream - creamed my pants and everything in my sleep. Woke up shocked because that has never happened to me before.

When I relapsed, it was because theres a girl right now sending me pictures of herself in all of her lingerie. And she sent me quite a few very good ones.... and it got me really excited. I fought myself to stay away from the P..... but her ass was so nice and once I went down that path my mind decided it wanted to look for the best doggy-style scene it can find (because that's my favorite). And boy did I find one that was good. Once I began glancing, the dopamine just took over, and everything was downhill from there. I wanted to stop, told myself to stop stop stop, but my brain wanted its fix and it took hold of me, and I gave in. That was the beginning of April. And since then I've taken a massive downward spiral - although I'm not quite as bad as I used to be before but still - I can't get a streak going for longer than a week now.

My advice to anyone who is on a streak..... STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The downward spiral is VERY REAL! Once you relapse, you're going to relapse more! Unless you have super powers and will yourself not to, it'll happen!!!

The struggles after the relapse - multiple PMO sessions and a difficulty getting a streak going again. Going back on hard mode is tough. I often go to sleep thinking fantasy, and wake up with fantasy. Mornings are especially the worst.

I set a counter after my last PMO sessions yesterday and just reading what I wrote here kind of motivates me to go with it again. The benefits that came with no PMO, MO, O were wonderful. I want to completely abstain artificial stimulation. That's my goal.

 

[mlhl]

Hey Maher!
I know when we are addicted to PMO, we can't control ourselves and everything is a mess. When I was young, I saw some softcore P scenes on TV and it drove me to MO. When I was 22, I wanted to know how was a virgin vagina and I searched in Google for that and then I saw myself watching P.
Arround 2 years I become addicted to Omegle, and I felt my life sucks, nothing was going good, I had no sense of the important things, I stopped doing the right things, I just wanted to be alone and jerk off and look for somebody to get some fun, but after that you are nothing!
I stopped watching P, now I'm trying to leave MO, because I'd like to be able to have a girlfriend and prepared to get married, and being married do all the things I wanna do on bed, have children and be happy.
Hope we can share some successful experiences and help one another!
Cheers!

 

[adrian]

Hey there Maher! Stay strong man, it can be done, especially since you've done this before! I feel sorry that you lost 5 years of yourself to PMO man, that should never happen again! You gotta reboot, get well and get back out there man, you've been missing on quite a lot.

Let it be a lesson of what not to do from now on. Retake your life into your own hands but keep them outta your pants!

Stay strong and focused man!

 

[MikeBit21]

I'm bumping my thread because I'm absolutely baffled by how people manage to do this.

I went 8 days without PMO, until I PMOed just now. The urges came from an enormously beautiful girl I saw on my way to have lunch today. She was one of the most beautiful girls I've seen in a long time... that was my trigger today.

From this moment on I'll be posting very frequently in my own journal. Especially when I'm feeling the urges. I feel like talking about them may help - even if it's on this forum and nobody is listening to me. Ever since I relapsed after my 90 day incredible spree, it's been 10x harder to get back into it the same way....

I'm burned out right now because I gave in... again... for the millionth time... it's been 3 years since I discovered YBOP and you'd think in 3 years I'd get the job done..... I will never look at an addict the same way ever again. I know what they're going through, trying to quit whatever it is they're addicted to. I will never judge them ever again. This is the single most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

We'll give it another go tomorrow.... I can't give up, but every time I'm relapsing I can feel my youth slip away from me.

I like this particular post, this gentleman makes some amazing points:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=282.0


And the funniest thing is.... my computer is not my problem. It's my phone. I don't use the PC too much, so I never PMO on the PC. My phone is an entirely different story. The iPhone DOES have a filter... but it's so bad. It filters out websites that are 100% legit sometimes, has nothing to do with adult content or anything. So I can't use it.

I wish there was an adult content filter I can download for my phone that JUST BLOCKS PORN SITES! The built in feature blocks damn near anything with a funky looking URL or if it's someone's personal website. SO I CAN'T USE IT!

 

[mybestself]

Hey Mike,

First off, kudos to you coming back after a relapse. I see so many guys here lose interest in their journal following a relapse or two so it's great to see you getting back on the horse. Best advice I could give you is to make journalling a daily habit. Do it every morning and it will have a noticeable impact on your recovery. I have been journalling every day for 35+ days now and it is the primary reason that I have managed to make 30+ days without porn.

I also have a solution for your iPhone woes. You need to go into Settings -> General -> Restrictions and remove the browser and App Store. You then need to find someone who can manage your Restrictions password (for me this is my girlfriend) so you can reverse it if need be. I did this over two years ago now and it has made my phone 100% safe from porn. Now, at this point your brain is probably going "A phone without a browser!? I couldn't possibly do that!" but actually it's really really not that bad. All of your existing apps will still be able to connect to the internet and if every you need a new app you can go to your buddy/parent/girlfriend who can temporarily remove the restrictions. As for the browser, you really don't need it and I genuinely don't miss it. If your main crux is your phone then you owe it to yourself to make it safe for the next 30 days - This might be the one thing that is holding you back.

Keep up with the good fight!
mybestself

 

[MikeBit21]

I've completed my 2nd day of no PMO, MO, O

Not really feeling much. Today I had some fantasy hit my head but I immediately deviated my mind from it. Wasn't too hard to do it.... but then again I'm only 2 days in. It gets really difficult after day 5. But I'll keep writing in here to remind myself what I'm after - I want to GET MY LIFE BACK.


mybestself thank you so much for your advice - now that I think about it I don't browse the web TOO much. I can probably make do without the browser. But why remove the app store? I only download apps that are functional....

I DID make it 90 days before without needing to do this. But hey, I'll take any advice I can get - so THANK YOU AGAIN... and thanks for reading, your time is greatly appreciated.

Until tomorrow gentleman....

 

[MikeBit21]

Reporting in.

Day 3 is just about complete. Had a few urges again throughout the day but once more I was able to quickly remove them from my thoughts.

I keep a white board in my room which I have personally written down all the pros and cons to Fap and NoFap.

When I read what I wrote down, it makes it perfectly obvious which route I'm supposed to take - NoFap. Because there ARE NO CONS to NoFap. They are ALL PROS. And when I see the Cons section to fapping.......... boy is there a lot of RED! Only one pro I wrote down - "Temporary pleasure that last but a mere moment". THAT'S IT.... That is the ONLY Pro to Fapping and Porn. The rest is FULL OF CONS.

It kind of helps to see it every morning.

I want to get in the habit of writing my own personal journal too. I bought an expensive, $60 leather journal that looks nice and beautiful that I'm anxious to start writing in.

Think I'm going to invest in some erasable pens too, my handwriting sucks so I don't want to be crossing out spelling errors and whatnot in ink and mess the whole look of the journal up!

If I have survived NoFap for 3 days, I can certainly survive a 4th.

Be strong, boys.

Until tomorrow,

 

[MikeBit21]

Reporting in.


Day 4 is complete - still okay. Although the urges are a little bit more powerful than days 1 and 2, obviously. But I've been able to stop myself each time I'm fantasizing/starting to touch myself. On the morning of day 5, and mornings are always the worst when it comes to urges, I was touching myself a little because of a dream I had. I believe all men have this 1 girl in mind (or many lol) that we would love nothing more than to just bang - she popped up in a dream and I had caught her in an elevator.... grabbed her and turned her around, and that's when my dream ended because I woke up going wtf...... and that dream turned me on to the point where I began touching myself. But after a minute I forcefully got up from bed and lo and behold within a few moments the urges disappeared. BEING IN BED IN THE MORNING WILL MAKE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF.........at least it does for me! I'm glad I got over that quickly because normally I'd edge all the way. I sincerely have to start NOT artificially stimulating myself AT ALL..... It's so hard. But I know it has to be done.

Another reason to do this reboot....... I want to end all my thoughts on "damn I'd bang her" every time I see a beautiful girl. Instead I want to replace them with, "I'd love to get to know her, if I have the chance"

~ Maher out

Stay strong, boys

 

[mtaha2015]

urges will go away.
stay focused.

 

[MikeBit21]

Reporting in.


Ok so day 5 the urges were pretty bad. But I managed to stave them off. Today is day 6. I have news and bad news to relay to you gentleman.


First let's start with the good news. I have not PMO'd today YAY so the streak is still going

Bad news.... I did some edging today and even watched some P.... I know the whole point to this is to stop P. Let me share something I've noticed.

Before my 90 day steak, cutting out P was the easiest thing in the world for me to do. It was the no MO that really bothered me. But ever since I broke the 90 day streak, for SOME DAMN REASON P has been really hard to get my mind off of. The way our brains trick us is unbelievable seriously...

I'm going to give that uninstall the browser thing on my phone a try the moment my brother comes over - I already have my PC protected with K9, now I need to do the same with my phone.

Edging is so dangerous.... the feeling my mind gets when I'm looking at P and edging is tremendously hard to stave off. This truly is a battle of epic proportions. But for the time being, I've won the recent battle. War is far, far from over.


I'll report again at end of day.

Keep up with your journals guys. Just typing this up has made my massive horniness go away.

 

[MikeBit21]

End of day.


Day 6 was brutal.


I did not PMO, but I did watch P, and edged. I know this is "worse" than just PMOing. However what's strange is that even after days that I edge, I don't really lose any of my gains as far as sensitivity/urges/better response down there etc. I read my white board today and was glad I didn't completely PMO and lose it. I thought about how bad I was going to feel if I climaxed and stopped. that was a great win. But there's a problem. My nuts are now unbelievably sore.

They should be fine tomorrow. We'll see what day 7 brings. I anticipate more urges. But I'm going to fight more tomorrow to NOT look at P. Keep my mind completely off it as well as fantasy.

I really need to approach this DAY TO DAY as opposed to "90 days"

 

[razorbladenation]

Man I'm thinking back to when I used to date this Spanish girl many years ago and one day we were getting intimate and I couldn't finish. We stop and I told her I couldnt do it and she looked at me and said 'This has never happened to me before', WTF ...I was really embarrassed and quite hurt by that.

I don't know why and I never saw a connection between that and porn.

 

[MikeBit21]

Man I'm thinking back to when I used to date this Spanish girl many years ago and one day we were getting intimate and I couldn't finish. We stop and I told her I couldnt do it and she looked at me and said 'This has never happened to me before', WTF ...I was really embarrassed and quite hurt by that.

I don't know why and I never saw a connection between that and porn.

One of my ex girlfriends kind of did something similar to me.

And you're absolutely right it FREAKIN SUCKS!!!!!!!! It's like you've been totally stabbed. "This has never happened to me before" basically means "something is wrong with YOU because every other guy I've been with hasn't had YOUR problem"

It hurts like a mother!!



I've successfully completed week 1. Day 7 came with some urges but I fought it off easily. I got out of the house at night and that totally helped keep my mind off MO and P. Although I'm noticing that I'm flat as hell when I'm not fantasizing or anything.... SUPER FLAT..... I think I'm about to hit the flatline phase. Which I for once am welcoming because it'll settle down my urges!!!!



I have a question for you gentleman. It's about wet dreams.


My PMO/MO addiction and PIED have become so severe that even in my wet dreams, which I have had now for two straight days, I have problems getting it up IN MY DREAMS. My subconscious is now even thinking about my PIED and incorporates it into my dreams. Does ANYONE ELSE experience this as well?????? Last night my wet dream consisted of a fantastic bj by some gorgeous asian girl. But even in my dreams, everything felt so weak, but since it was a dream it was no big deal.

Does anyone else experience this?!?!

 

[MikeBit21]

Reporting in.


Day 8 is complete,


Today I had some urges but they were much easily more controllable than the last few days. I fantasized a little but it wasn't of P, it was of a real girl I'm talking to, which I think is okay...

Still taking it day by day. But instead of focusing on my 14 day mark, I'll just focus on my 9th day. I find this to be much more doable, if I don't focus on long-term marks.

Will report back once the 9th day is complete!

 

[MikeBit21]

Reporting in.


Day 9 is just about in the books - I decided today that I was going back to being healthy and taking care of my body. I consciously decided last night that I was going to work out, and go buy fresh foods to help me lose weight. I have a treadmill here at home that I do use a lot but not often enough. I followed through my plan and went out and bought fresh organic foods to begin my low carb high protein and fiber diet, and I did 30 minutes of cardio (I'm going to work it up to 45).

I'd say the no PMO has helped me make these decisions because I don't feel as depressed as when I first started the streak.

I plan on continually following through with my regimen and follow it as long as I have to, to reach my target weight. I know that if I focus on my health, then there will be unbelievable benefits down the line as well as a distraction from P and MO.

I also find that when I work out, my sensitivity down there improves.

Anyone have any experience using Hydroxycut?

Will check back in tomorrow once I pwn day 10.


Stay strong gentleman!

 

[MikeBit21]

Reporting in.


As I have said, I'm going to PWN day 10.... and I DID. Not many urges, any urges were quickly dismantled and forgotten about and moved on from - felt pretty nice! I also made a cool $200, in 2 hours. I'd say NOT BAD FOR DAY 10!

Half way through day 11 and so far the only urges that have hit me were from this morning. Morning urges are my biggest problem - as well as before bed. I'm starting to get a bit of morning wood as well. Still weak as hell but it's better to have weak morning wood than no wood at all.

I'm also noticing more positive moods, more upbeat look on my future, and music is sounding a hundred times better. Overall I feel good. I have moments where I look at my streak and say, "man I have to do this for potentially 8+ months???? That's insane!" But I bring myself back to my day-to-day strategy which seems to be working. I need to be unbelievably patient with this and I know it.

Will report either at end of day today for day 11 or tomorrow morning.

Oh and I worked out for 3 straight days - nniiiicceeeee. Gotta keep the ball rolling!

 

[MikeBit21]

Ok so I'm 12 days into my streak and it's still going. I have not PMO'd at all.


However I'm a little disappointed in myself because I gave into the temptation of watching P today. It's UNREAL the rush you get in your head when you haven't watched it in a while. THANK GOODNESS I did not PMO, BUT..... these stupid cravings to watch P I HAVE TO STOP!!!! The whole point of this is to not just PMO, but give up P all together! I don't think I can make the progress I want to make if I keep giving my brain dopamine spikes! I did notice however that my erection was stronger.

I have to confess though I'm still quite pleased, because if I'm looking at this from a spreadsheet standpoint, counting all the days I've watched P from the recent past until now - I watched P and PMO'd probably 5 of the 7 days a week for a whole month. Now I'm on day 13 of no PMO, MO, O, and only 2 days watched P.

When I look at it that way, I say I win, however I'm noticing the cravings are getting more difficult now. That's why I gave in today - I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF... it's a relapse waiting to happen..... can't give up AND I WONT!