A better Life

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vitam

Member
I really want to change and put this part of my life in the past where it belongs.

My friend showed me a porn magazine in his tree house when I was like 12 or 13.  Some guys in high school went to strip bars and watched pornos, but I didn't join with them. Then, right after I graduated high school we got the internet.  Alone one night I searched for something on a search engine (probably lycos back then).  I didn't know about clearing the history so I got caught the next day.  I didn't look at porn again for the next 5 years.  It has been an off again on again struggle for the next 10 years.  I abstained for over 2 years, but never really felt like myself.  Then, I had some stressful times with my family (I'm married now) and my job and fell back into it in January.

More than anything, I want to live free of this.  But about once every 2-3 weeks since mid January I have PMOed. 

I will never give up.  That's why I'm here - to get my life back.
 
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alotofhopenow

Member
Good to read!

You can do this!

Just keep reading stuff and learning is my advice.

Now it can't hide. The addiction is there and you know what it is instead of justifying it and letting it hide and sabotage you.

Keep up the good work!
 
D

daws

Member
You are in the right place. I know I often go a week without using porn. Sometimes two weeks and then I binge. Two week gaps sound to some people like you have no problem but the longer you leave it the more precious it becomes. Just like smoking.

All the best. Keep posting
 
V

vitam

Member
Thanks for the response guys.

Day 1 went fine.  Had to control my thoughts by finding something else to think about a few times, but I'm good.  It was Saturday so I spent most of the day outside being active.
 
V

vitam

Member
Day 4:

Still going strong.  Yesterday was hard.  I was just about to view, but I caught myself.  I thought to myself, "you are having an urge, what are you going to do about it?"  Then I stepped away from the computer and went for a jog.
 
V

vitam

Member
Just a quick update.  Still going strong.  I have kept myself pretty busy this week and so I really haven't struggled too much.  A couple times I have noticed that some fantasies have started and I have taken acting to change my mindset.  Last night I was watching a show on basic cable and there was a racy scene that started to bring the familiar emotions that I have experienced when viewing porn in the past.  So I got up and got a drink of water and when I came back the scene was over.  I have been exercising more this week - not as much as I would like, but more.

 
V

vitam

Member
It has been a while since I posted on here.  Life got pretty crazy, but I'm still clean.

I still super stressed about not having work.  I have picked up a few odd jobs, but nothing that will actually pay the bills. 

Over the last two days I have had some really strong urges.  Several times I have drifted off into fantasy land where I daydream videos that I have viewed in the past.  This daydreaming is dangerous because it tends to awaken the same feelings as before.... maybe a little less intense.  But the dopamine is definitely flowing.

My response has been to find another activity (exercise, yard work, etc.) and definitely don't sit and search for things (even harmless things) on the internet.

I'm not giving up.  I will never give up.  But lately it has been a lot more difficult.
 
V

vitam

Member
Just checking in.  No issues to report.  I was really struggling with some urges when I posted last time, but I came out OK by focusing on healthy activities.  I continue to work through the lessons on www.recoverynation.com.  I recognize that they really help and I'm getting closer to who I want to be. 
 
L

LarrySheets

Member
Next time you find yourself facing a trigger, go get some exercise! That has really helped me out, and it'll give you plenty of time to get the trigger off your mind. Besides, you'll be healthier for it!
 
B

bzarfas

Member
vitam said:
It has been a while since I posted on here.  Life got pretty crazy, but I'm still clean.

I still super stressed about not having work.  I have picked up a few odd jobs, but nothing that will actually pay the bills. 

Over the last two days I have had some really strong urges.  Several times I have drifted off into fantasy land where I daydream videos that I have viewed in the past.  This daydreaming is dangerous because it tends to awaken the same feelings as before.... maybe a little less intense.  But the dopamine is definitely flowing.

My response has been to find another activity (exercise, yard work, etc.) and definitely don't sit and search for things (even harmless things) on the internet.

I'm not giving up.  I will never give up.  But lately it has been a lot more difficult.
Click to expand...

I understand about the job issue, sorry to hear about the stress in your life,
but getting rid of the porn will lead to a better life, but it just sucks right now,
I had a friend who lost his job and to save money, he quit smoking and he smoked a lot,,,sure helped him save money, but for the 1st 2-3 weeks, he was not someone to hang out with,, he got much better about not smoking, even under all that stress,  he just knew the long term AND short term benifet was too bug to pass up.
Stick with man.
 
V

vitam

Member
Thanks guys.  I appreciate the encouragement. 

I haven't posted in a while and unfortunately it was a slip that brought me back.

Most of the last 3 weeks... really several months has been very positive.  I have been exercising, learning new skills, and really trying hard to get a job.  I was really in a good place.  I'm actually really shocked that I slipped again... I don't understand it.  I feel like my feelings lead me to become complacent and I let my guard down. 

Back to day 1.
 
V

vitam

Member
Day 2... again.

Trying not to feel discouraged.  I really feel like crap when I slip.  I seriously beat myself up about it.  I am normally a disciplined person, but for some reason, I can't seem to shake this habit.

Anyway.  Today was good.  A lot of physical activity for a one-time job I picked up.  I'm going to work out and continue the job search for the rest of the day.  I actually have a job interview that I am traveling to for the next couple days.  It will be good to change the pace.  I'm not usually tempted when there is variety in my life.  It is when I am bored... or stuck in a lame routine that I struggle more.
 
V

vitam

Member
I acted out today.  I was actually working on lesson that is supposed to help me overcome porn.  It asked me to analyze each step of the ritual so that I could recognize them early on next time.  Well, it became too real and I ended up viewing porn.  I have felt like crap all day.  I am beating myself up for it - I had been making such progress.
 
123bob

123bob

Member
Dang dood don't get down. I think one of the keys is if it happens just "fuck it" and move on. Dunno if that is actually the best advice but at least from what I've read you seem like you are on the right track.
 
V

vitam

Member
Thanks 123bob.  I think you're right.  We can't just beat ourselves up all the time for not meeting our goals - we need to take a moment to feel good about our progress.
 
123bob

123bob

Member
Celebrate the small victories... the fact that you are on this blog and thinking about things in the right direction is a WIN for sure : ) Own that !
 
V

vitam

Member
I only have a minute, but thought I should get an update out.

I have a short-term job as of two days ago.  This has kept me very busy and stretched my skills and abilities, which is good.

My main sources of stress are lack of financial stability (we are living month to month), lack of job stability, and strained relations with my wife and other family members.  I am dealing with these the best way I can, but I'm certainly feeling burnt out.
 
123bob

123bob

Member
Hang in there broski ! Life is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs and remember that everything happens for a reason. You seem like a good guy and one day in a few months or a year or however long it takes you will look back at this and laugh.

Do the best you can each day. That is all you can do :D Celebrate the small victories and don't sell yourself short !You got a short term gig that is positive news to me !
 
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