MrShickadance
Member
Bad joke? Maybe. Maybe my twisted sense of humor comes from watching too much porn. Maybe not. But much like everyone (most) that are here, I have realized that I have a problem and it?s been going on as long as I can remember. The other day I was so fed up with it I hopped on Google and landed here and glad to find others going through this. I?ve never really told anyone about my secret habit. Kept it to myself for the most part but in a moment of change in an attempt to better myself I want to put some words down and write about it. I?ve told one person about my reboot so far and the list will grow as I become more comfortable with it. I?ve had streaks before, maybe 2-3 weeks max, those were usually helped by life events occupying my time. But sure as shit, when those events came to a close I was fapping like a madman.
Let me back up to the beginning? I remember being on the bus to grade school and one of the older kids snagged up a Playboy picture and showed all the boys as we huddled around ogling at it. This immediately triggered a mental boner that hasn?t gone limp. That was also right around the time computers started getting popular. And seeing as my dad worked with computers I of course had one available to me. I immediately jumped on and besides school work the only thing I was doing was searching for naked ladies. This progressed to online sex chat rooms. Then I even started dialing phone sex hot lines, yea the ?rents almost took my head when the phone bill came. I was off to the races at an incredible scary rate.
Fast forward through middle school, consisting of more porn, Skinemax, HBO late night. Then high school, more porn, and buying dvds. Couple girlfriends, nothing serious. Then finally got laid senior year, and i?ll never forget what she said after I came, ?It?s not as great as it seems, is it?? ?. Wow, what a floozie. Here I am, just lost my virginity, this is great, thinking about all that time spent watching porn and lusting over these girls and how much I wanted sex and that bomb got dropped. Needless to say, after a couple months we didn?t work out.
Was porn better than the real thing? During this time I had no idea that I was becoming completely desensitized to sex and my objectification of women. There were times when I had no interest in dating. Why do that when I have millions of girls of all styles available at my fingertips. I could explore all kinds of girls and kinky fetishes to my hands desire.
After college is when I started to recognize it as a problem, but obviously not one I addressed. Found myself relying on porn and became habitual, like something I had to do. A stress reliever. Time waster. Reached a point where I felt like I had seen it all, it didn?t even really do anything for me emotionally. I was a zombie trolling around the internet and rubbing one out getting no satisfaction. Wasting money on porn sites. Didn?t stop there though I needed the next best thing. Porn was depriving me of actual interactions with women. So I sought those out via the internet and with my highly trained porn searching skills I found myself browsing classifieds and eventually started visiting massage parlors and escorts. This was a slippery slope I ventured down.
One day, browsing my favorite tube site I clicked on a link. One click that I?ll never get back. I had seen this fetish before but never clicked on because I didn?t think I?d be interested in it. But I gave it a shot because I was growing tired of the regular stuff. [Porn- a gateway drug] That link was transexual porn. Think I watched one or two then switched back to the regular fap favorites. Now this has become pretty regular in my porn watching queue. My life had become a workaholic lifestyle, few interactions with women and plenty of porn.
Then the game changer, about a year ago now. Met a great girl, one I might even still be dating, but during sex I either couldn?t get hard or would lose my erection. This killed me. Couldn?t figure out what was wrong. I liked this girl, she liked me. Frustrated and embarrassed by this incident (which happened several times) I ended up dissolving the relationship. After this I thought, wasn?t positive, that it was porn that had caused this. Tried to cut back in hopes to cure this. Met another woman and same thing happened. Took way too long to get hard and never quite got fully hard.
Felt like damaged goods. Like porn had killed a part of me and it was gone. I took steps and made a huge life changing decision, uprooted myself and moved across the country. With the intention of starting a new. Change my situation and I would have different life challenges to occupy my time. Was good for a while, but it wasn?t long before I was back into my usual porn groove. It had a hold on me and a good fucking grip.
I reached the breaking point the other day. It was maybe a week without any porn. Then something clicked and I needed to watch porn and it not because I wanted to. Because I had to. I was addicted, frustrated, and alone. It provided no pleasure for me at all. just something I had to do. Shortly after I ended up here.
My reboot has started. May 2, 2014 was my first day without porn and will continue.
Porn has effected me in more ways than one. It has negatively influenced my confidence, social skills, anxiety, and a bad case of trichotillomania. I?ve reached my low and need to rebound from this. With the help of this forum and some determination it is a journey I?m willing to undergo.
Thanks for reading. That was a lot but I needed to get that out.
Let me back up to the beginning? I remember being on the bus to grade school and one of the older kids snagged up a Playboy picture and showed all the boys as we huddled around ogling at it. This immediately triggered a mental boner that hasn?t gone limp. That was also right around the time computers started getting popular. And seeing as my dad worked with computers I of course had one available to me. I immediately jumped on and besides school work the only thing I was doing was searching for naked ladies. This progressed to online sex chat rooms. Then I even started dialing phone sex hot lines, yea the ?rents almost took my head when the phone bill came. I was off to the races at an incredible scary rate.
Fast forward through middle school, consisting of more porn, Skinemax, HBO late night. Then high school, more porn, and buying dvds. Couple girlfriends, nothing serious. Then finally got laid senior year, and i?ll never forget what she said after I came, ?It?s not as great as it seems, is it?? ?. Wow, what a floozie. Here I am, just lost my virginity, this is great, thinking about all that time spent watching porn and lusting over these girls and how much I wanted sex and that bomb got dropped. Needless to say, after a couple months we didn?t work out.
Was porn better than the real thing? During this time I had no idea that I was becoming completely desensitized to sex and my objectification of women. There were times when I had no interest in dating. Why do that when I have millions of girls of all styles available at my fingertips. I could explore all kinds of girls and kinky fetishes to my hands desire.
After college is when I started to recognize it as a problem, but obviously not one I addressed. Found myself relying on porn and became habitual, like something I had to do. A stress reliever. Time waster. Reached a point where I felt like I had seen it all, it didn?t even really do anything for me emotionally. I was a zombie trolling around the internet and rubbing one out getting no satisfaction. Wasting money on porn sites. Didn?t stop there though I needed the next best thing. Porn was depriving me of actual interactions with women. So I sought those out via the internet and with my highly trained porn searching skills I found myself browsing classifieds and eventually started visiting massage parlors and escorts. This was a slippery slope I ventured down.
One day, browsing my favorite tube site I clicked on a link. One click that I?ll never get back. I had seen this fetish before but never clicked on because I didn?t think I?d be interested in it. But I gave it a shot because I was growing tired of the regular stuff. [Porn- a gateway drug] That link was transexual porn. Think I watched one or two then switched back to the regular fap favorites. Now this has become pretty regular in my porn watching queue. My life had become a workaholic lifestyle, few interactions with women and plenty of porn.
Then the game changer, about a year ago now. Met a great girl, one I might even still be dating, but during sex I either couldn?t get hard or would lose my erection. This killed me. Couldn?t figure out what was wrong. I liked this girl, she liked me. Frustrated and embarrassed by this incident (which happened several times) I ended up dissolving the relationship. After this I thought, wasn?t positive, that it was porn that had caused this. Tried to cut back in hopes to cure this. Met another woman and same thing happened. Took way too long to get hard and never quite got fully hard.
Felt like damaged goods. Like porn had killed a part of me and it was gone. I took steps and made a huge life changing decision, uprooted myself and moved across the country. With the intention of starting a new. Change my situation and I would have different life challenges to occupy my time. Was good for a while, but it wasn?t long before I was back into my usual porn groove. It had a hold on me and a good fucking grip.
I reached the breaking point the other day. It was maybe a week without any porn. Then something clicked and I needed to watch porn and it not because I wanted to. Because I had to. I was addicted, frustrated, and alone. It provided no pleasure for me at all. just something I had to do. Shortly after I ended up here.
My reboot has started. May 2, 2014 was my first day without porn and will continue.
Porn has effected me in more ways than one. It has negatively influenced my confidence, social skills, anxiety, and a bad case of trichotillomania. I?ve reached my low and need to rebound from this. With the help of this forum and some determination it is a journey I?m willing to undergo.
Thanks for reading. That was a lot but I needed to get that out.
