J- breaking painful silence

[J]

This is one of the hardest steps for me but after becoming addicted to porn and the frustration and guilt that come with it, I am in desperate need of help.

It's hard being a woman who never thought one bit that this is something that could happen to me. It started around the age of 25 as a curious viewing, then I decided to try stimulation and when I felt my first orgasm I thought wow! I began viewing it in secret all while keeping a front of " I am a decent person" , I would feel the urge and rush home to watch and stimulate. Here's the other whopper...I am a Christian woman that has been struggling for years now. When it first happened I didn't think much of it only that it didn't really hit me that according to my faith, I was doing something wrong. As my relationship in God grew, I realized this was wrong, this isn't love. And I felt, evil, but realized that much is forgiven by God and that He wants to help me.

The problem is I don't know a whole lot of Christians that would come out and confess. Unfortunately many tend to be very, highly judge mental and may even shun me. I don't have anyone I could talk to that I feel would understand. God has shown me constantly that he is merciful, and won't stop loving me, people aren't this way. This is something that is causing much stress in my life and I hate it so much and yet I find myself falling back into the very thing I hate. It is depressing me when I fall. I can do well a few weeks then it hits me hard. There are so many factors in my life that bring on a sudden onset, the fact that I have gained weight, don't have a job, struggling with food, feel unattractive, I have a problem with consistency in starting and seeing things through.

People know me to be a positive person and it seven shocks me that I could fall into this type of behavior. I want to badly talk to someone that is also a believer but how does one find such a person? My friends have no idea about this secret and neither does my family. I want to be free, I know I can do it, and yet I find myself at a stalemate with myself.

 

[chiefmitch88]

J,
I understand that feeling of being judged by people. I'm here to tell you that people that look down at you when you bare your soul are people that are struggling with a problem of their own. I know because I was just as judgemental. It's a method of deflection. "What I'm doing isn't so bad...look at the pathetic pervert over there, they're the real sinner."

This isn't Christian. Sin is sin, no man can judge the actions of another. Pray for those who judge you because they understand even less about the world than you. They have not yet accepted their imperfections and sins.

 

[jkkk]

This is one of the hardest steps for me but after becoming addicted to porn and the frustration and guilt that come with it, I am in desperate need of help.

It's hard being a woman who never thought one bit that this is something that could happen to me. It started around the age of 25 as a curious viewing, then I decided to try stimulation and when I felt my first orgasm I thought wow! I began viewing it in secret all while keeping a front of " I am a decent person" , I would feel the urge and rush home to watch and stimulate. Here's the other whopper...I am a Christian woman that has been struggling for years now. When it first happened I didn't think much of it only that it didn't really hit me that according to my faith, I was doing something wrong. As my relationship in God grew, I realized this was wrong, this isn't love. And I felt, evil, but realized that much is forgiven by God and that He wants to help me.

The problem is I don't know a whole lot of Christians that would come out and confess. Unfortunately many tend to be very, highly judge mental and may even shun me. I don't have anyone I could talk to that I feel would understand. God has shown me constantly that he is merciful, and won't stop loving me, people aren't this way. This is something that is causing much stress in my life and I hate it so much and yet I find myself falling back into the very thing I hate. It is depressing me when I fall. I can do well a few weeks then it hits me hard. There are so many factors in my life that bring on a sudden onset, the fact that I have gained weight, don't have a job, struggling with food, feel unattractive, I have a problem with consistency in starting and seeing things through.

People know me to be a positive person and it seven shocks me that I could fall into this type of behavior. I want to badly talk to someone that is also a believer but how does one find such a person? My friends have no idea about this secret and neither does my family. I want to be free, I know I can do it, and yet I find myself at a stalemate with myself.

Hey J,

I am a Christian myself and finding how to make the recovery and Faith work together has been a challenge.

My advice, however short and kind of limited it may be, is to concentrate on recovering. Learn about the addiction, read about the reboot. Have a journal, be proactive, read, think, FEEL, note down, share. Open up.

The fact that you're addicted means that any guilt of yours is severely diminished, if you look at this from the perspective of religion. As with people's being judgmental - this would have nothing to do with Faith. This, I believe, you know. Actually, for a Christian to be judgmental is the worse sin of all, that's my view.

I can see you have that idea in you of God's mercy. You know, when I started the reboot I did not believe I deserved anyone's love or mercy, let alone God's. All this realizations came to me once I started treading the path of reboot. Once I opened myself up. So it seems to me, there is a head start here

My advice on concentrating on recovery comes I think from quite a simple notion - as addicts, we are ill. Addiction is a serious illness and touches the body, mind and soul. The best think you can do is to start healing. You will feel God's presence along the way and not once, I'm sure.

 

[J]

Today is the first day since posting that I haven't had an incident. Day 1 technically. It was a relief to read that I am not on my own. That this is very much an any person's struggle regardless of what faith a person is. And what a huge weight off my shoulders that others Christians go through this very human thing. I think it stems from the notion, at least my experience, is that some "so called Christians" just treat us like a disease to confess such a thing as porn addiction. This was the first time I have ever spoken about it at all. Thank you for the encouragement. It is something I have kept bottled up for years.

I have been close, so many times to telling a close friend, but it' s one of those things that because I have felt soooo ashamed it's so hard to open up about. I am crying as I write this just relieved to talk about it with others that understand me.

It's funny how I trick myself into believing I don't need to open up. Usually after an occurrence, it goes away for awhile until just one day I might have a sexual dream, or just see something on tv. It feels so light at first then it's like my mind begins to travel and suddenly I am another person. I tell myself "I don't want to go there, I have no desire to" and I really don't and sometimes hold off for two days before it subtly gets a hold of me, the urge to look at the Internet, to read sometimes stories and/or write about the scene crossing my head. Even in the middle of it I want to stop, and I do, but then I have the lingering feeling that just keeps pounding away, just one last time.

The thing is, I am aware that all it takes is just to feed the monster one bite. It's that feeling and pain of resisting that I struggle with the most.

Today, I was ok, I forgot the incident from the night before and for a moment thought, "I can do this, i don't need the forum, or to talk to anyone" but I know it's a load of baloney, that I don't have the monster under control, otherwise I wouldn't be here facing the truth about myself, the one I can't seem to open up to friends and family about.

The frustration is what gets to me most. I wish it were simpler. I know I can overcome this, but I can't do it alone. It has taken me awhile to realize this. There is comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that others have been able to overcome. It feels me with hope that I will get there.

I suppose this is a start, writing and sharing with others. I don't know how I am going to do it except 1 day at a time. But as I mentioned the hardest part has been the moment of pain, the resisting it. I don't know what to do about it. Becoming someone else the instance it starts. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

 

[Jimmy James]

Welcome J! You are in the right place.

There are a lot of Christians here including myself. Due to time constraints, I mostly read/post in the over 40 section.  There are several Christians with journals there that I greatly admire.  Check out Leon and Ianmac's journals. And then you can read the journals of all the people who replied to Leon and Ianmac.  I bet there are similar people posting in the other age groups.

I always advise everyone to get educated by reading and watching everything on Your Brain on Porn.  Then read it again.

You must not self-medicate with porn.  You need to develop a "porn is not an option" mentality.  And since porn is not and option, you need a menu of other options that you will turn to instead of porn.

Post here frequently about your story, your successes and failures, your questions or other random thoughts.  Read other people's journals and offer them support. I think you will find plenty of support in return.

 

[J]

Thank you Jimmy, I will definitely read into the other journals. That said, I also had a chance to reflect today on some of the advise on the road to recovery and about really being proactive on reading more about Brain on Porn.com. I realized that an addiction is an addition no matter what poison we choose, porn, alcohol, drugs and just reading some of the other posts it really made me think about such things as triggers and substitutes and such.

At church service today I found my mind going in and out reflecting on this help/ support group and then the pastor caught my attention when he mentioned recovery, trying too hard, and opening up to shame. It hit me, "wow, I am on a road to becoming a better me that will hopefully help others when the time comes," I don't have to put pressure on myself on becoming that better me, but it will happen organically, one day at a time. Thank- you all for your words. It is sinking in.

I am not 100% sure, but I think, often I sometimes use other substitutes that can become bad. I noticed that in the past I would play video games when I felt the onset and convinced myself that it's better to occupy myself with anything else as long as it is not porn. Well long behold, hours laters I would still be playing, which is not good at all. And I had stopped once it became playing till 2- 3am. So this week I realized that it was something I was doing before the episode happened. Then I got frustrated for wasting my day. I should be specific, the game was "Mortal Kombat". Violence game might be a trigger and frustration is a trigger.

Taking your words into consideration my thought is I have to find things that would be fulfilling and helpful and healthy. I have a mental list that I have yet to jot down and will make it my homework to at least come up with 5 things or more things that I should share. I realize how important feedback is and I feel safe sharing here and am serious about getting my act together.

I did notice instances today when I may have had a wondering thought or image flash in my head, but then I just refocused. I came up with a mantra "stay in the moment". I want to train myself to stay in the moment and not let my thoughts carry themselves into, well porn.

I do wonder if I should keep my journal here or post where most people would read?

 

[Jimmy James]

Consider this post: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

 

[J]

I took these days to really reflect, read up on material and just focus on other things. As the days have passed I feel like my quality of life has improved. I read the links given to me (thank you once again Jimmy), the combination of reading that post and going on YBOP has helped immensely. One of the articles contained thoughts from women just like me. I felt all the emotions: happiness at not being alone in this, sadness that so many people struggle with this and mad that a lot of people are exposed to porn at such a young age. All of these women, in one way or another told my story. We had something in common.

I will warn of possible "triggers" here, just in case I say something as I express myself on the thoughts that were shared. I realized that my brain has gotten into the rewire route where the things that would have disgust me before have started to fascinate me. I won't mention what as I don't want to remind anyone and it's about moving pass it. But I get it now. It's like being on pain killers for years, as those milligrams go up just to "kill the pain". The thought of porn affecting my life with a possible mate, well I don't want that to happen. And it has in a way, isolated me, without even being aware. It has changed by social behavior and explains a lot from suddenly feelings of inability to perform normal tasks such as writing to irritability to things that are trivial like, oh I didn't get a call back from that person that said they were going to call me

Watching the videos of what happens to the brain on porn was a shocking eye opener. I finally understood why I would have moments, cravings, then caving in. Just as bad as being on drugs.

I spent this week finding a different excitement and reward. Challenging myself to do things that are beneficial to my mental and physical health. Please understand that I am not trying to avoid any issues here. Writing it down where a support group of strangers read it is my way of forcing myself to confront this. Like I said, friends and family have no idea of my issue or way to recovery. Only God and everyone here, thank you again for taking the time to read.

So one of the things I did was stopped playing "Mortal Kombat". I also, knowing what I know about staying in bed too long after waking, made sure to get out of bed. I have been making sure to schedule my days so that I have something to do that is conductive to improving myself and not just occupying time for the sake of avoidance. A great activity for me has been hiking. I took a 6 mile hike into the mountains and trust me when I say that nothing else occupies the mind more than reaching the top and taking in the beautiful view. There I get to admire creation and just talk to God or just remain in silence happy with the satisfaction of getting to the top!

I also am understanding other substitutes, and not the ones that are considered "skimpy, shirtless type people"... I am referring to junk food, watching hours of tv, talking on the phone for hours, etc. I won't deny I had a brief moment where there was a void that could have easily been filled. Other than a dream where I kissed some random person I have never met, that was it. I now know why I have some emotions that lead to M/P. I also have become more familiar with triggers, procrastination that leads to frustration being a mayor one.

This week I also made a point to fall asleep to some of my favorite teachings by Joyce Meyer. It doesn't matter if I am tired and won't hear the whole thing. The point being that it's there playing and I hear it. I like her "tough love" approach. I am also making sure to not be so hard on myself. I am human, I am flawed, I have a lifetime to become a better person one step at a time.  This week felt much more fulfilling.

 

[powerlift225]

I'm a Christian too.  I can resonate.

I try to get away from fear/being hell-bent.  I try to remember the science behind all this.  I would think God would want us to understand the science behind our brains and why we do things.  Addiction is a chemical thing in the brain.  Your body simply responds to the chemicals and signals it receives from your brain.  You have the power to change any habit in your life/any chemical response that creates negativity/positivity in your life. 

The only person you're currently hurting is yourself - no big deal.  You can still go out and be a great person while feeling shitty about yourself.  So you're not going to hell.  None of the 10 commandments are being broken here and neither are the two golden rules:  "love thy neighbour as yourself" and "love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, your spirit, and your body".  (well, you could possibly argue around that body stuff).

I choose to look at this addiction as simply a silly, self imposed thing.  A few months of good decision making and pushing through some withdrawal symptoms and bam! you're a changed person.  Same goes for getting off sugar/treats or caffeine or any habit for that matter.

Idk, I'm trying to be supportive here and maybe help you relax a bit.  I think you're fine.  Sometimes it's easier to change things when you can relax and remember to breathe...ya know?

 

[J]

It's great to hear from everyone, and for that I will continue to say I am grateful. It's not always easy for me to share and I agree that there are things we give too much attention to, even if they are good, if in the extreme they are still bad.

I have been an addict for approx. 8 years. 3 years ago was when I acknowledged I had a problem. I became a born again Christian when I was 14, but I was what many would call legalistic and highly judgemental. I told people that what they needed was God, and that they were full of excuses. But I didn't know how to tell them how God works in their lives because I didn't see or understand what is true compassion, love, mercy. I never thought I could become addicted to anything.

I am now in my 30's, and as bad as this experience has been it has taught me about who I am and not to judge others. It taught me to understand my father, who has been an alcoholic since I was 10, a lot better. It taught me to be merciful with others, it taught me to really seek God for a relationship. If it had been that simple earlier on, I wouldn't be writing here now. I obviously have issues I have worked through and some I am still working through. I have slowly restore my relationship with my dad, who still drinks but not as bad as before.

I was off and on trying to quit porn and when I quit the first time, I lasted maybe 3 months before I relaspsed, that was two years ago. Then I started looking up information, and I realized I needed to talk to someone, I kept asking God to lead me to that opportunity. Although there were places I could check out, none of them offered the platform I was looking for, to talk and connect with others that have gone through it and overcome it.

I continued to have relapses, and it was just me and God. It's when we bring things out into the light that we are released. Before this last relapse, I felt some of the darkest emotions I ever felt. I felt my life was no longer worth it. I cried and prayed and that was the moment that I knew I had to try and look again. That was when I found YBOP and this blog.

I began reading and finally understood what happens in my brain, like any addiction, it has taken it's toll, and will take it's time and much needed discipline. Yesterday, my mind began to wander into the dangerous zone, and today it did again. I now have a group of people to communicate openly with and be accountable to. I am here because I need the support so that I CAN do this. It was what I have been missing.

 

[J]

I had a bit of insomnia last night. Bombarded by thoughts. This morning when I did wake up I was just exhausted but remained focused. I decided to sleep a bit more, and then I had one of those dreams. For a moment, in my dream I thought I had relapsed and then I woke up and realized I hadn't. It was weird, it actually felt real. Although in my dream I was "M" ing, I never "O"ed. I was relieved when I woke up that it had just been a dream.

That's just it. Usually a dream like this becomes the inciting incident a few days later that leads me to "PMO". It starts with that then a mental story, that I end up writing, and in order to release I accompany it with visual, Internet porn. I am being candid because I don't want to go further, but it is how the cycle starts for me. I know I have to keep my mind off it, but please do feel free to share thoughts and suggestions, even if it's repeating here what has been told to me. I need it.

 

[powerlift225]

I remember having a really fun sexy dream a long time ago.  I was in the middle of some excellent sex in my dream and suddenly I woke up.

"noooooooooooo"  :'(

I literally said that out loud and rolled around in bed wishing I had "finished" the dream instead of waking up haha.  Too funny.

 

[Jimmy James]

Dreams like that are common.  I think it is a good thing that you are glad it was a dream.  It shows your commitment to quitting. It is also important to recognize a trigger such as this so that you can thoughtfully avoid PMO.

 

[J]

The past few days were tough. My mind was bombarded by images, but I am happy to say, I didn't give in and the more days have past, the more the images have faded. Today I found I was more focused than I had been. My vision and hearing are more alert.

What got me through it has been a combination of remembering things I read from these posts. Sermons, which in this case going to sleep at night with them. I tried one day of worship music, while being bombarded by porn images ( I know sounds weird but it has helped), and anything that would be a positive influence.

I also work a lot on the computer, so once the images of my imagination started to get stronger I simply put my laptop away, cause I know the temptation would lurk. But also I would not let myself stress about it.  Maintain my calm, tell myself, NO. Watched inspirational movies, looked away from potential harmful scenes.  Scheduled my week, intentionally gone out to meet with people. It really has helped. I was so pleasantly surprised to see that I have been 15 days without it!

Everyday I don't feed the monster, the monster shrinks

 

[J]

So, I need to keep myself accountable. I felt great temptation and almost submitted to I guess edging, but I didn't touch myself or grind, or whatever it's called. The images in my mind just got me "moving" "emotional", kind of what happens when you wake up in the middle of a wet dream, body reacting, if that makes sense .

The whole point is that before I could commit to doing anything I stopped. 15 days. And I know people say a relapse can happen and to not be frustrated, thing is I don't want to relapse. I just don't. The thought that I would even almost consider it makes me feel bad. I realize this is my brain going crazy because it wants to "feel" something. But I don't want to have the "one more time" , i don't want to go go through the emotions of feeling horrible because I "failed". I have progressed and I just keep thinking, I can get through this, i don't need it. It's like my brain is searching for everything it can because I have cut out  naughty food source from it's diet.

I am not sure this is a symptom of withdrawal, but if it is, it's crazy. I am going to focus on the fact that I stopped before I could start. Small victories.

 

[powerlift225]

So J, tell me about yourself...

What do you do for fun? for work?  (no details or names...just broad ideas of what you do is fine  )

 

[NewBee]

Hi J,
You are doing great!  You seem to be able to realize oncoming triggers.  You must be in touch with your thoughts and your feelings.  And instead of trying to ignore them, pretend they don't exist, mask them, shove them out of the way, you are aware enough to know it is the start of a cycle that will end in PMO if you don't interrupt it.  And you've been successful in interrupting it, rejecting it.  Good for you!

I seem to be in a 2-week cycle, remaining PMO free for about 2 weeks, then relapsing, binging, edging an eventually surrendering with an O.  Then I feel brain fog and exhaustion for several days and self-loathing for giving in to it (the addiction) again.  It's like I feel the relapse coming on.  But, all the coping strategies I have sworn to use in those instances just seem to get pushed aside by my addicted brain.

Give yourself some credit for trying to be a better you.  I'm not religious.  But, I don't believe anyone on earth has the right to judge anyone else.  And there are a LOT more people struggling with this addiction than any of us ever imagined.  No one will talk openly about this problem, especially those involved in the church, for the very reason that they fear being judged and seen as a horrible person.

This addiction can start innocently.  All humans' brains are wired to be energized and turned on by images of what they find attractive.  And the brain's reward for viewing those images is a shot of dopamine.  Back before high-speed internet, such attractions/compulsions were much more manageable.  Our brains tired of the images, new images were not instantly available, there weren't millions of tube sites catering to every fetich and perverse novelty imaginable.  You got tired of the book (Playboy, Playgirl, whatever) and moved on with your life.  Now, all that has changed, and there is an unending supply of new, novel, even shocking genres of porn.  And your brain is squirting out dopamine in quantities that no natural stimuli could ever provoke.  Over time and repeated use (abuse) we get addicted to the dopamine.  We go through withdrawal when our brains don't get the massive doses we have grown to crave.

It's an addiction to a unnatural stimuli, it's a lie posing as the truth.  And you are doing something very difficult in order to be a "better you".  I think you'll agree that God is on your side in this effort.

Keep up the good work!

 

[J]

Thank you Newbee. These two days feel like I am close to relapse, my brain has been in overdrive and this is the first time in a long time I have gotten this far. I actually had to stay off line because the mental images were strong. But, for me to ever go to the next step, there is usually a process, which is write about the image then look for the image or something that matches it. I have not carried those steps out and so my brain is in serious withdrawal.

Without having a fresh supply of Internet imagery my brain images have become fuzzy. It's harder for them to make a clear connection. In a sense it's like starving the brain. I have been calm for the most part, and concentrating on other things has helped.

It's also been hard because , just to answer your question Powerlift, I work in the entertainment industry, so a lot of my work depends on internet connection.
I am doing what I must. Even if it meant two days off, I prefer that over giving in, to then feel horrible for the next two weeks and become less productive.

That said, how does one deal with a huge withdrawal like this where you feel like your brain is about to go off a cliff? We are managing as best as we can. Two weeks is great! I applaud your progress. So many people before us have done it, so can we.

 

[powerlift225]

Entertainment industry!  haha.  Nice.  Yeah, all that internet time would be very tempting.  Good job staying away.  Just stay away from it.  It's that simple.  And it's no big deal either.  You're taking a step in the right direction...to a better you...try to enjoy the process rather than groaning the whole way through it.  Learn to laugh at your "addiction" and it will become so much easier to push it out of your life. 

It doesn't take long to make a change to the brain.  You got this.  You're already 20 days in.  That's solid.  What's another 40?

What do you do for fun/hobbies/passions?

I workout, yoga, and play on two hockey teams.  Besides work, I'm pretty busy cooking food and eating it all the time.  Keep yourself busy with stuff you love to do.  It will make this process so much easier.

Hang out with people more.  Hang out in public more.  I'm pretty sure you're not going to give in when you're at a get together with friends or having a phone call with a friend/family member. 

I guess I'm saying "have other outlets".  You get me?

 

[mayane]

These two days feel like I am close to relapse, my brain has been in overdrive and this is the first time in a long time I have gotten this far.

J, I can understand how you feel.  But hey, you have gone nearly 20 days and the worst is behind you already.  It is days 5 - 20 that are the hardest.  You will find that from here, the going will be easier.

I actually had to stay off line because the mental images were strong. But, for me to ever go to the next step, there is usually a process, which is write about the image then look for the image or something that matches it. I have not carried those steps out and so my brain is in serious withdrawal.

If staying offline helps beat the initial urges, go for it.  In my line of work, I am required to be online all the time.  I did consider installing K9 or the like, but decided against it.  Knowing that P is just a click away but still not venturing there makes me feel more empowered and in control.  Try it out, when you feel ready.

That said, how does one deal with a huge withdrawal like this where you feel like your brain is about to go off a cliff? We are managing as best as we can. Two weeks is great! I applaud your progress. So many people before us have done it, so can we.

Yes, there are urges, and sometimes pretty strong ones that make me feel miserable but here is what I found helps:
1. For 5 - 10 minutes, distract yourself by doing any other activity - anything at all that takes your mind off P.  For me, reading and writing helps. 
2. Physical activity helps best: if your workplace permits, walk around, preferably out in the open.  There are so many things that the brain has to process - right from the feel of the wind in your face to the sounds of nature to the cacophony of people, that it is forced to take away mental processing power from P.
3. Social contact helps too: if you can walk up to a colleague for a chat, do it.  Else call that client / colleague /associate that you have not spoken to in a while.  You will be forced to be attentive to the conversation, taking mind off P.
4. When not at work, try an activity that you like and that takes all your concentration.  For me, reading and writing helps.  When I am reading or writing, all my faculties are concentrated on the activity to the exclusion of everything else.  For some, it is a sport, swimming, yoga, meditation.  Find yours.  If you have a pet, spend some time with the pet.  If you have a partner, do something fun together - it could be something as simple as doing the dishes or cleaning out a cupboard. 
5. When nothing else works and I am on the verge of a relapse, reaching out to others on the forum works best for me.  I send out an SOS and well meaning friends on the forum reply readily with support and encouragement.  I have taken it on myself not to let them down and that helps strengthen the resolve.
All said, you have already done 20 days.  Which means you can do more.  Lots more.  Go get it.