So the good news is that I am not experiencing a relapse, or mind going bonkers, but for the first time, in a long time, with the clarity and all I am starting to see me, and the issues I have been avoiding.
I have come to realize a desire to feel needed and useful. Example: I have offered some help to my friends that have become new parents. I am not a parent but I have been there for another friend that also went through a C-Section in the process. While she has been receptive her husband on the other hand doesn't seem to keen on receiving the simplest of help, like having someone pick out the groceries while he tends to his wife.
I don't know why I let it irritate me, when normally I just would have been ok with it, and let them figure it out the hard way. But that has been an increasing problem in my life, where I start to live for others to avoid my own issues. It's not healthy at all. And with the P addiction withdrawal, I find myself a lot more emotional than usual. I have to admit, typing that just made me laugh. It is a bit silly.
I talked with a friend yesterday for the first time and opened up that I was going through something. She was the closest I could get to telling but I am not there yet. Years back she experienced a sexual trauma and I didn't find out about it until years later. So I started asking her questions on what she did to face it. She said something that stuck out, she began to learn about her identity. She told me a line from the movie "Run Away Bride" a simple line of "how do you like your eggs?", she said that scene made her realize she never asked herself how she liked her eggs because she didn't have her own personality.
I find myself in that same trap, of finding purpose in other people without acknowledging my own. This stints from early on in my life, with my own family, where I took on a lot more responsibility than a child at that age should have. My father was a drunk, (not physically or verbally abusive, emotionally it took a toll) my mother threaten to divorce him every time but never followed through. I wonder how much happier we could have been if my mom would have taken the courage to leave him and take my sister and I with her. She said many times that she stuck around because she had no place to go, but as I became an adult, I just cried BS!
The past is the past and I am now a woman capable of taking on life, but there are so many things I have had to figure out on my own because I had no real role model. My parents were not bad, quite the opposite, very loving, but my mother never learned how to help herself, and my father was too sad and mopey that he blamed others before just being the man that I needed in a father. I have strived to get away from my parents bad habits but nowadays find myself falling into the very things I don't like.
I realize that the addiction can cause lack of motivation and right now that is what I struggle with. I am trying to get myself motivated and just pushing myself as I did in the past, but for some reason this time it hasn't been working. I am out of a job, am living off my savings for now. I feel paralyzed. Everytime I pull out my resume to apply for a job, I get stuck and powerless. This is definitely a first for me, but I am coming to terms that I might be a lot more depressed than I am aware, because of the lack of PMO....and this is good! It's progress, but I don't know what to do.
I did do exercise this morning and went and got errands taken care of. I essentially forced myself. Does anyone know this feeling and what it is?
