J- breaking painful silence

[J]

I had a thought I wanted to share regarding our life challenges. This came after a friend of mine pretty told me that they feel like they suck and won't be able to do anything in life.

There are people that have more serious problems, yes, but we get off on the wrong thought process by comparing ourselves to other people. Some people here have been able to kick the addiction in the butt what seems right away, and others seem to struggle more. Why is that? Is it because some have stronger will power than others or could it be that some are more vocal? Whatever the answer my thought is that a struggle is a struggle, but the attitude with which we face the struggle is the difference. Here is what I told my friend:

This year I hit something in my life that I thought I would never: emotional rock bottom. I made a decision that I know is meant to improve me, but it wasn't easy. I know how hard it feels to follow ones dream and how frustrating it gets when one thinks they are moving forward only to feel like they are starting over again, but what one really has to ask themselves is who was I 10 years ago and would I be able to manage the challenges I face today the same way 10 years ago?

What happens is we focus too much on where we are going rather than where we are and the storms we have gone through to get to where we are. Ten years ago I did not have the maturity I have today. 10 years ago I may have fallen apart with the challenges I face today. 10 years ago I did not have the strength I have today to understand that the most important part is not the destination but the journey itself. It's through the journey that we are polished, the journey gives us the best stories, the journey gives us the ability to help others when they face similar struggles. Maybe I don't see it now, but every bit of effort I put in today will be a success tomorrow. I know that because every bit of effort I put in the past 10 years, (even the ones that seemed like a waste) are benefitting me now and helping me to get to the next phase.

You are going to feel like you suck, like these are the worst two years of your life, but in reality you are just going through the fire to prepare you for something bigger. If you can combine your faith and trust in God, be resilient and not give up now a few years from today you will be able to understand why you are going through what you are going through now and you will be grateful.

It sounds crazy, but trust me on this one, this is part of a plan that is meant to bring you closer to your destination. And just keep in mind that life is a series of roller coasters, so it is an ongoing bumpy ride of successes and failures, but the better you get at handling your failures the more successful you will be.

Wisdom is applying the tools one learns when going through the failure process. It's not that necessarily someone has it down better than another person, and although I have had many upsets even throughout my reboot and moments of despair, I choose to focus on the positive which is what I mostly try to share here. We are all here for different reasons, but no matter the motivation it's our attitude as we go through the rough patches that will make the difference.

I also wanted to say that sometimes tough love is needed. I feel fortunate to have been supported through this process but know I need help to get through some of the more challenging aspects. If we have a relapse once or twice, we shouldn't focus all our energy and efforts in punishing ourselves for it happening, but if we are constantly having relapses then there is a side of us that is not really doing what we need to do to get better.

I rarely use this word, but don't be stupid, ask for help, get some help. I say this as someone who thought she could do this on her own for many years and kept on failing. I learned to swallow my pride, and confront my fears. It's an ongoing process. I can do this, you can do this, we can do this, but we need to actively do something about it. Stop making excuses.

 

[J]

I am at 121 days, and have been having urges even to revert to bad old habits. I won't. I have decided I won't, nevertheless they are there. I share because I need to keep myself accountable to you guys and also because I have come to understand that habits take time to break, even if I have been clean for a good chunk of time it doesn't mean they don't happen.

I have had some very positive breakthroughs with the help of my Life Coach. And that's just it, we all need help. I write this today to those of us fighting the addiction and winning the battle, it's something we have to live with for the rest of our lives, but it's the attitude we face it with. I am having a few of those days that because everything feels like it is going well it gets a bit scary. Why? Because the mind is not use to it, it's not use to having peace after many years of bad habits.

For those of you that have spouses with this addiction, I want to share that it's not that they prefer the fantasy over you, it's not that they don't love you, it's that this is one of those habits that is hard. Trust me, I feel for you, but at the same time we just need that help. When there is a relapse we feel like we have failed ourselves and those that have a partner, we feel like we have disappointed you.

When we are going through a relapse, there are so many thoughts crossing our minds that it becomes hard to see clearly. We want it to stop, we want to stop the pain. Sometimes the images become overbearing and we hate them because we know that we will feel good for a moment but then afterwards feel a sense of self-loathing. So I must advocate for those of us that are trying our best, and sometimes our best doesn't feel enough.

We need help, we need support, and we just need to know we are loved. At the same time, we need to relearn how to love ourselves. And we need to be aggressive about recovery. I am much better than I was when I started, I am a work in progress. I will get there. I know it won't always be perfect but I won't give up.

 

[J]

I had a really awesome session with my Life Coach/ Therapist. My Coach actually deals with people that have addictions, it's one of her areas. Anyway, she shared with me something I never really thought of as the definition of an addiction. "Whenever it is affecting the quality of you as a person, then you know it's an addiction and as much as people don't like to view it, we are all addicted to something."

Everyone has a vice.

She gave me the same advice I had heard on this forum in terms of not letting myself get too comfortable, but the real takeaway for me was understanding the type of person I am. She picked up on me being someone that requires being productive. It's part of my persona. But I also got further insight as to understanding that for me, it's not okay to watch tv too long, or to do anything too long. I am a person that gets bored easily and so I need to find a healthy replacement that will keep me productive yet balanced.

It made me think about everyone on this forum and I realized that sometimes we just have to take a moment to understand who we are. We give and receive great advice but personally I have to taylor that advice to who I am as a person. For many here, their motivation is PIED. And that's ok, it is important to them. My motivation is different. I am not looking to hook up, have sex, or reinvigorate my libido, I am looking to live the life as a person that wants to be an example in faith.

Whatever your struggle, just make sure you understand your reasons and your personal goal. We can't all use that same techniques and we don't all feel the same way. The one thing we all share is our desire to put porn out of our lives for good. So take the time to understand yourself. You are the only person you can control.

 

[J]

I am celebrating 132 days. I don't always acknowledge it but I am 4 months and two weeks in. That is huge and may well be the longest I have lasted. The difference is this time I am accountable, I have asked for help, I am receiving help.  I had a cycle this week where I felt great temptation not only to MO but to look up porn. Guess what happened? I had a moment where I finally said, "NO". And I told myself, I don't want to disappoint me. It is one of the biggest statements during this time because I finally acknowledged that I am doing this because I care and love me.

I want to share that it has truthfully been a combination of factors, but these have been my steps thus far:
1- Finally admitting to God that I couldn't do this alone anymore and that I needed His help, His way and not my way.
2. Coming to reboot nation and sharing my story, opening up to the community.
3. Having accountability here on reboot nation. You guys know who you are, you have been a rock.
4.Opening up to my sister.
5. Getting serious about attending church
6.Opening up to my close friend.
7.Deciding to get support of a Life Coach and Therapist that understood my situation.
8. Becoming more serious about my walk and relationship with God.
9. Applying what my Life Coach has been teaching me.
10. Not giving up, thanking God and acknowledging He has moved things in my life to help me in my healing.
11. Continual process...

So I want to clarify that this has been and will continue to be a process. It may be hard to believe I have not slipped up, but I have not seen porn for that long and I never want to see it again.

My Life Coach told me in our session today that I am a different person from the woman of the first session. I am. One of the hardest things for me was the shame, but once I understood I am not alone, that changed. It has taken me this long to start to feel more confidence in myself. To vocalize my decision that I want no part of it anymore.

To anyone who is reading. I just want to say, just my opinion, but don't quit porn just because it has caused PIED. Quit it because it will mentally, physically and spiritually ( no matter what your belief) destroy you as a person. If you could never have sex again, then guess what, you have your soul, and if you lose who you are as a person that is worse than anything.

Don't put so much emphasis on the wrong things. Lots of those porn actors are suffering. Everytime you click on those videos you are participating in their suffering and sending a message to the sex industry that yeah continue to drop these actors, abuse them, to give us our high. Guess what, they also have problems, they also need help, they feel like crap because they are stuck in that industry and don't know how to get out. Don't think for one second that anyone of them is happy.

Porn is not about love. That being the case, having sex to porn is not about love either. Keep that in mind. And true love has nothing to do with the sex either.  If you could never have sex again, then guess what, there better be love, because without t no relationship could last. If anyone has come out here and been on this reboot for a long while and still struggling, get further help. Don't only use the forum, seriously, if it is bad, get more help.

 

[J]

Today I reached 5 months of no porn viewing. 5 months!!! That is amazing.  Now I am adding an additional step: no MO. This means I have added a new counter to monitor the progress on no MO. This is important step because I need to practice complete abstinence as indicated by my therapist. The hardest part before was just stop watching porn which triggered naturally the MO, now it's controlling the images that come to mind and that can be tricky, but what I really need to focus on just creating positive habits. The desire itself has gotten weaker and I credit the lack of porn viewing to that as well as positive changes in my life.

So here's what I am going to do, I am not going to check on the counter cause it leads to obsessing at times. If I have a major milestone or thought to report I will put it here, but for the most part I do avoid coming here often. You don't want to be reminded of the addiction, because sometimes it triggers but definitely have something positive to replace it.

 

[J]

I have not been counting, but was pleasantly surprised to see my MO counter at 20 days. Even more so, 10 days shy of 6 months. That being said I don't miss porn, I don't crave it. It's easier to recognize when my mind is wandering because it feels like night and day.

Although I have not been deep in touch with God as I would like, I acknowledge His presence more. I have to acknowledge also the people in my life that have, in one way or another, helped me get this far.

Which is why I can't emphasize this enough: if you have been going up and down this roller coaster of being on and off porn and can't seem to kick it, how long are you willing to go before you ask for actual help?

Can I say something else? If you are trying to kick this habit by yourself, you are in for a rough and very frustrating road that leads to anger, disappointment, and self loathing.  It is hard to open up to someone, even when you trust them. But once something is out in the open it's hard not to want to try.

The key is you have to be willing to do the things that will make recovery worthwhile.

 

[J]

Nuff said!

 

[J]

There have been a lot of beautiful things happening in my life. Now after the 6 month mark I am faced with the prospect of living in my own space, and like my life coach said, I need to make sure I remain busy but also set my mind to higher things away from being idle. Certainly the reward system kicked in for a bit, but I find I don't really crave it. It's more of my mind reminds me that there is this habit I have been kicking and it sort of wants it back but in order to get it back it needs to be fed.

That is the key I am finding, feeding and starving. My mind has been starved by the absence of those terrible porn images that it acknowledges it has a hard time fantasizing because it doesn't have new material. It tries to revert to older ones but honestly nothing happens. Even when accidental viewing has happened, my mind doesn't go to a place it shouldn't.

Let me be specific on accidental. Accidental is that you may be watching a program on TV or maybe you are perusing the internet and an image comes up that you didn't click on. I went to see a movie and it hadn't really clicked that it would have adult scenes because it is stop motion animation. It really didn't hit me. But a scene did come up and I had to look away, and it's really hard to take puppets seriously but that's just me. That was an accidental viewing.

Fortunately, no damage. This is good. But yes accidental, have to be more careful. It's the feeding I want to avoid and the longer one is off the monster the better, but can't get too comfortable.

My life is better without porn. I can't emphasize that enough. The fog has diminished and I am a lot more focused now than I was 6 months ago. Still can't let my guard down.

The most significant change for me has been that now everything seems possible, even when it feels impossible. I am hopeful and more determined to have a brighter future. People have noticed and days feeling depressed are more like moments of feeling down but knowing I can stand back up.

Being thankful to God for everything that is happening and acknowledging that life is not something we experience alone. We are not alone. We were created to keep each other company. Not to be detached from the world.

I know I have a long road ahead of me still and that I will continue to need the support of positive people in my life. But there is work I have to do to continue on this road. Anyways I hope everyone else is doing well. I pray that people are finding themselves again and that even if you don't believe in God, there is a positive force in this world, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's not a train, it's called hope.

 

[J]

As we come close to the end of the year, all I want to say is that today after 8 months of progress I finally feel less inclined to think on porn. It is a continual progression but I know now that I will reach the year.

I am also thankful for all the help I have received and I know I emphasize this a lot in my journal. But now I see a lot more clearly enough to understand what was going on. I couldn't admit to a porn addiction because of pride and shame. There are many here still that keep relapsing and really it's a stronghold where we just get stuck in a way of thinking that can only harm us.

I have a long ways to go still be here is what I would tell my 8 months ago self. You will continue to relapse as long as you are unwilling to receive help. You cannot do this on your own. You need help from someone that knows how to help. Addiction is not something you can pull yourself out of alone. Get out of your head, and reach out to someone you trust or someone who can help like a counselor. It's a losing battle to try to take down a mountain by yourself. On your own you will not succeed. Every successful man and woman in life learned from others, asked questions and asked for help. So stop being prideful and admit it.

We so often get addicted to reasoning that we just continue the cycle.

For all of you out there that want to tackle this by yourself, guess what, you will fail. If you want to rise above the situation, get over of what people will think, find someone you can trust and get the help you need.

Even with Christians, the first thing we are told is that we have to place all of our trust in the Lord. So if you are a Christian reading this, guess what You need to lean in God and ask for the help. If you are not a Christian, guess what, same principle.

I am hopeful for all here. May this next year be one of progress!

 

[J]

It has been 9 months since I started this journey. So how do I feel? I still have days that my reward system kicks in and tells me , it's ok if you want to watch some naughty stuff. But nowadays it's easier to say no. I have been away from it for long time, I don't need it. And it takes a while to realize it's not needed.

The images that do come to mind are more from dreams, it's become harder to imagine things when there has been no visual input.

I would say I am 85% better since there is at times a lingering feeling.

It is important to stay occupied. One thing I invested in was an adult coloring book. And I mean designs for adults like butterflies or whatever adults like that is not nude figures.

Have a plan, something to focus on that is not a replacement addiction as well is very important.
I will say, I am guilty of not exercising, but hopefully will incorporate it at some point.

Writing helps a lot too.

In sharing what has worked for me, the one thing I will say is that addiction is a symptom of an issue we are avoiding dealing with. I had to work on establishing healthy goals that were not geared to avoid the addiction but to solve the problem that was causing me to run to the addiction. Career and family are the main two and I have changed how I tackle those issues by becoming more transparent and communicative.

I have been experiencing blessings, and at the same time I still go through the wave where one moment everything is fine and the next it isn't.  The difference with now and back then is that I can recognize that the down effect will come back up. That I just need a few days to balance out. Rest.

I know my triggers and I know how to defeat them.  I have sharpen my weapons. My mind is clearer as well at my thoughts.

I am still on a journey, and getting to that 15% will take awhile, but I am healthier today than when I started, thanks to God who is my rock, and to his leading that brought me help in areas I needed the most.

To everyone keep treading. I do want to leave you with this thought. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If you have been at it as long as I have but are still relapsing, it's time to do something different.

 

[J]

I am in a good place in my life. Not saying it's perfect but 11 months of not watching porn has changed my life drastically. In 30 days it will be a year, a goal that I never thought I could get to. Even passing 6 months was a major milestone. I am a lot more creative, clear-minded, really happy and have a restored positive outlook in life.

Things won't always be perfect and I know the ups and downs just come with life. My story by no means was perfect and that doesn't mean that their weren't days that I thought about running back to it. Not because I missed it, but because it was a habit for relieving stress. In case people didn't know something I learned during this journey is that in the hard places in life, people tend to revert to habits, specially the bad ones. The important thing is not to let it take over again.

There was a time here when I thought people were lying about it getting easier, but it's not a lie. It's the truth. The way I did things to get over this torture may not work for everyone, but my biggest advice is that those things that are kept in secret will eventually consume us.

Let me share what didn't work for me:

Trying to do it all by myself.

The moment I knew I had to stop, I was still ashamed of it and told myself I could get over it alone. I would kick it for a few months, then succumb again. The cycle became exhausting. I was really good at hiding it because I knew how to lie about, how to put things on other situations in my life and when you are alone, it's really easy to go about it with no one knowing.

But the days it was bad I would get anxious, and that too was easy to hide why I was anxious, because I was looking for a job, or had an exhausting week, or am feeling down, the excuses were endless and people believed me. But the torture was real, covering up made it worse and the fears multiplied.

11 months ago I experienced rock bottom in my life. A moment that defined where I was headed. I had just quit a job, because part of it was really affecting me, (my boss was into talking about sex life and just inappropriate things) and I was trying to focus on growing in a creative way and wanted to go in a direction that I knew was right for me. Needless to say the way things went down affected me. And for the first time in my life, I didn't want to do "all of this anymore" ..."live". I just wanted to melt away into forgetfulness, I was tired and just felt done.

I knew those feelings were not in line with the person I am. I knew it was time to reach out and get help. I joined this forum and started to learned things that I was going through, other people were, even people of Christian faith. I was not alone in my struggle. Then I decided to get help from a life coach, 3 months in I told one of my closest friends, some whom I knew would not expose me but keep me accountable.  I also told my sister.

My life coach and I worked together on a plan to keep me focused on becoming the person I was meant to be. And to this day, I have not dabbled. The point is i realized : It's okay to ask for help.

When a person gets addicted to anything, it's hard to quit on your own strength. People have though and there is an exception to that, but once you are knees deep and struggling, it becomes like quicksand, the harder you try the more you sink.

It's not about judging people. I try to be a good person, I am not perfect, but I won't intentionally try to hurt others. But sometimes we fall out of healthy love with our selves, and what I want to say to anyone reading this is the cliche, "You are not alone."

But also, there is proven success that when you really want to give up something that is harming you, getting help is part of it. It will also take some personal changes. For me, it was getting to know my triggers and acknowledging my emotions. Yes, I said emotions. When we ignore emotions, we are essentially putting ourselves on a non-important list.

I didn't realize that I was ignoring what I was feeling. And this I want to also say to the people that may be going through having a partner addicted to porn: it's hard to understand how an addiction affects the addicted until you've walked in their shoes. I wish none of you ever do. I am an exception but there are people like me that knew someone that was addicted to something else then became addicted themselves. Addition is painful and often misunderstood by others.

My father was addicted to alcohol. I couldn't understand why he would pick stupid alcohol over us. I felt he loved the alcohol more than us and I hated him for putting us through that type of suffering, but the truth is that the addict loses their ability for self-control, they drink just to drink, not because they want to but they do it anyway, they lose the ability to stop, they begin to make excuses. That doesn't mean they don't care, but they certainly have inner issues that they are not dealing with and chose to run away rather than deal with it.

I finally walked in my father's shoes when I became addicted to porn. It took over 10 years of my life. I finally saw things from his eyes. I by no shape or form and not excusing the behavior either. It's very selfish, and made me self absorbed. But everything he went through, I experienced to a degree. I am happy to say he is alcohol free and is on his way to recovery.

It's scary to be vulnerable, but don't ignore the signs in yourself. Do something about it. Fight for yourself and get help from someone that will advocate for you. My life coach happens to be a therapist. She focuses on addictions and gives tough love, but she also knows how listen. She does sessions over the phone and even Skype. Don't even have to live in the same time zone but she is on the East Coast.

If anyone would like help reach out. Here is here website:

http://www.shannonstoolsforlife.com

 

[J]

Today I reached a whole year. I am doing a special post in another section to tell my story.