Wabbajack's Journal - difficult time

Wabbajack

Active Member
LAST PMO: 7th April

PMO-ing free for: HALF A YEAR!.

So, I'm here. Shoould have found this site much earlier, it'd go much easier for me.

Hello.

I'll start with a bit about me and then straight to the point. I'm currently 25. Started masturbating pretty early, I wasn't even aware of what that was, just felt nice. At 17 I learned how to get my hands on some magazines. Some came with DVDs that I got to watch maybe once a week. At 19 I got a computer with Internet on it and thus began my fall ;)

First of all, I do not consider myself as a porn addict, more like M-ing addict. Porn was an addition and though I love it (still :p) I was able to M without it. I still believe that porn was to be blamed for some of my tastes and fetishes, but let's leave this aside for
now.

My problem? PIED.

I first had problem getting up with my first girlfriend, I was 20 back then. We dated for 4 months and I NEVER had a proper rection, by her hand nor mouth. Which was pretty unsettling.

That came a year-long single period for me, filled with much of M-ing, mostly to porn. Then I got my heart broken, luckily found a
ice girl for me then. After few months we tried and... nothing. We were both each other's "firsts" so I must thank her for being patient and supportive. We tried for like 6 months, mostly practicing oral sex for this period. I was still M-ing. After that we managed to have our first time. It was gloriious, with mutual orgasm and really made me believe I can do it! Then my problem ot significantly lesser over time. I was still M-ing though. All this time and in the future I was able to be 90-100% hard while watching porn.

That was my glorious years, compared to what I feel now. For like a year I ad awesome sex life. Some downfalls and premature ejaculations, but sometimes I got her to climax four times in a row. I know it sounds like bragging, but I have no reason to lie here. And it really helps me to believe I'll be able to do it again. We tried different things, like roleplaying and sometimes going a bit rougher.I mention this because I believe I got my tastes from watching porn. Or it's just me, I don't know.

I have to mention here: during this Good Year I still rarely was 100% hard. But let's say 80% was enough for both of us to be atisfied.Never was able to use a condom, though. There was always a pill. After that the relationship started to fail, I didn't enjoy sex as much as I used to. After a while this led to problems with maintaing a full erection.I didn't care so much about her, sometimes ED came back. But rarely, sex was still enjoyable.

Then we split up, I got with another girl with which I had problems getting up. I blamed stress for that, still didn't link it to porn. We split after a while and eventually got back with my ex for half a year. Again, sex was good, zero problems getting hard and less maintaning it. Then again we split and I was with someone else in no time.

That was half a year ago, I'm with The Girl ever since. Still have hell of a problem getting up and maintaining an erection. We succeded sometimes and sometimes she's the problem (she "closes", won't let me in even if I got hard enough, we fail to make love).

This is my story. Here I am now:

On the early days of april I got to this site and decided to stop PMOing. Last time was 9th of April. My last masturbation was on 16th of April, twice. Nothing since that date that I have done to myself. I keep trying to have sex with my Girlfriend and sometimes we succeed. I think it won't make my reboot worse. I don't feel a strong chaser effect and I feel I can overcome it. Also we limited my O's to intercourse induced mostly. Almost no oral sex and so handjobs (I feel they are too close to the feeling of M-ing and might do the same damage as M-ing itself.

I see one problem: I keep fantasizing about other women. Colleagues, girl-friends, passer-bies. I love my girlfriend, but I can't
help desiring others.

So basically that's it. I hope you guys have made through this wall of text. If I sometimes talk about some stuff to openly or giving too much detail, let me know.And if you want, I'm waiting for comments and support :)

Since I discovered what was my problem and found this site and the scale of a problem, I feel much more hope :)
 

Diesel driver

Active Member
Hi Wabbajack,
What is GMO?
Anyway, good to hear that you found a positive outlook. It doesn't sound too bad if you can get an 80% erection but I do understand that you want to improve.
Your interest in random girls might be your personality. It could possibly be linked to using porn. You learned that porn use has freaky side effects like fetishes but it will be cured. So you're good.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Thanks for responding :)

GMO is the effect of me writing this post first on Word. It's autocorrect, I meant PMO of course.

80% was my standard when I had this good period with previous girl. I guess that constant sex and a happy relation wired my
brain just for her as a sexual object. Now I am with someone new and back to square one basically and my brain sees pretty much every girl as a sexual object, but my penis won't. But I'll get there :)

And about other girls it may be personality, but I think it's a mix of the fact that I started being sexually active pretty late and
the fact that (because of LT relation for 3 years) I never got a chance to explore.And of course with the ED.

As for my (porn-induced or not) fetishes I must say they do not worry me at all and I
pretty much like them. It's really more of a taste that strict fetish.

Anyway, do you think that quitting PMO and MO while having sex (trying to at least) roughly every week is a good idea? My girlfriend didn't like the abstinence idea, but I guess if sex-way won't do, will try being 100% O-free.

And I really appreciate this community just for being there for others :)
 

Diesel driver

Active Member
Hi,
I do think you should not PMO or MO at all.
Of course you don't want to end the relationship with your girl. There are different opinions on sex during reboot. You can find a lot of information on this topic on ybop and here. Many guys in relationships have sex without orgasming themselves, instead they make their partners cum and that's it.
I had sex (with orgasm) a few times during my reboot with different girls but I cannot tell wheather that was good, bad or neutral for my healing process.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I guess I'll try and find out, I already feel much hornier with her. I must say that this keeps me sane ;) Again thanks, I hope I won't have to report a reset here ;)
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
So I had a hard (not :p) few days. First I was scrolling through 9Gag and saw a gif of a be-au-ti-ful girl. I clicked on it, purely innocently and the comments enlightened me: she's a porn star ;) Of course she is. And there was a name of her and few links. I resisted but I thought about googling her for like two days. Still going strong :p

Then I got to a party and there was a girl I though really pretty. And "easy" too, if you get what I mean. I got slightly drunk and heavily flirted with her to the point she flashed me (bra on). I then got my shit together, cause I have a girlfriend. I scrolled through her Fb pics and my god, she is hot. I almost regret not going for it. Almost. I really need to get it together. I still think what I'd do to her.

There's a bright side of this strange attraction to girls even if I am in a relationship (although we have some problems, not ED-related but we lately got close to break-up). I notice more girls around me and I got much, much more confident in looking at them, not looking away when they notice and smiling instead ;) Or being more open to girls in general. I was before, I do not have this porn-induced social anxiety, but I still see improvement in that field, I'm even more open :D I think it's a good thing :)

But I must say I'm worried about all this reboot. How 90 days will be able to correct few years of destroying my brain? Seems unbelievable to me. Also I had sex like 3-4 times during my first 24 days (until now). Now we're going to have a break for at least end of May cause of her health issues, but... I just don't know :p Still I keep my promise of not PMO or MO at all ;)

Cheers! Only 7 days to go and first month of no PMO or MO is done ;) Some sex won't make it collapse!
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
porn and sex are different things.

keep the good work against porn.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
So, I'm on the edge of a first month.

LAST PMO: 7th April - no changes
LAST M: 17th April - no changes
LAST Sex with O: 8th May
Total O's from penetration: 4

M-ing free for: 29 days

I have some things I noticed and I want to share them with you:

1) EASINESS This entire month was... easy. Too easy, to be honest and I'm a bit suspicious about it. It may be the flatline, but I think about sex daily and fantasize about girls I meet, talk or at least know. No porn stars or thinking about images, scenes or videos I used to watch. Thinking only about sex with girls I know. I do not have an urge to watch porn and the urge to MO is very low, yet it's hard to call it a flatline if I constatly think about sex, isn't it?

2) TRIGGERS I was not exactly going Hard Mode, because not only I had sex like 4 times but also I sometimes stumble on articles about sex with some triggers. I think I should limit that as well. Especially I should limit the visual stimuli although it never really set me off and granted me a rock hard erection, it was always regular, video porn.

3) MORNINGS AND DREAMS I had a morning wood like 20% of those days and I always appreciate it, but it usually takes very little time to go away. No sex dreams at all.

4) DAYS I do not have spontanous erections during a day. I remember it happened last year so not so long ago. I don't have them even when I think about sex. I remember getting them while dirty talking on chat with my prevoious Gf last time, that was a year ago.

5) MOTIVATION Motivations is good (but not very good) and steady. I must say I'm worried though. My girlfriend is having some problems, lack of libido and her own problems ?down there?, like pain while we're attempting penetration. This and her lack of libido had set my mind on a path I don't like: when I'm healed I'll be able to have sex with any girl I want. Not my Gf, but basically any.

6) I'M WORRIED I still remember how much and for how long this problem affected me and I really worry that mere 90 days won't fix it. I plan to stay PMO MO free after that too, but I'd like to be able to have and maintain an erection. I really do. But what if I won't be?

In two weeks I'll be halfway, hopefully. Probably it will be hard mode days, due to my Gf's problems so no sex. How the hell do you rewire, if your partner isn't willing to do basically anything?
 

Maxime

Active Member
You do not need penetration to rewire.
Just be intimate with her. Some say even holding hands, kissing, etc, is still better than nothing.
I also felt that a big part if my reboot was really easy.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Thanks for responding :)

I know, but it's just frustrating when we dp what yu described and I don't feel anything down there. Kissing, yes, but nothing less. I know this reboot is the only way, but I start to think about failures the scale and the amount of time I had it and I instatly worry much more.

Not enough to let go of this reboot of course, but I just feel.. I don't know, bad :p

I want to change. I want to be able to use a condom. I want to be able to maintain an erection throughout the foreplay and then have sex matter how long the foreplay is. I want to be rock hard all the time during intercourse, not just at the beginning. I almost never was able to do these things. I'm frustrated, that's all.
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
yeah he is right.
we are actually looking for love in porn.

if you find real love not sex, you will reboot easily.

sex is a expression of love, but not the only one.
spending time with her will also help you.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Interesting thing just happened. I had a dream about being bored and horny so I went to my favourite site, opened a few videos, watched maybe 3 seconds and thought about my reboot. I asked myself is it worth it and that I need to stay strong. Then I closed them.

Interesting, I never before had any porn-related dreams. And I don't consider myself a porn addict (denial? ;) ) but rather M addict. Anyway, it's a small succes ;)

I just reached 40 days without PMO or MO. I'll post some report tonight. I found it easier to post milestones posts here than reading my topic every day, it keeps my mind off the problem and time passes more quickly :)
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
wabbajack
congratulations for staying in reality and avoiding the escape of Porn venom.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Thanks :)

So, to sum up these last 11 days.

I was porn free, M-ing free and had sex twice. First time was glorious, I stayed hard entire time and, although I came pretty quickly, I was able to get my gf some pleasure too. After that I felt strong, I felt horny, I was the king of the world. Also quite strong chaser effect, but I resisted. Then, maybe 3 days later there was a second time and I was not able to get up at all :/ Pretty depressing if you ask me. I think that it was due to the fact that the first time I was pretty horny and dry for quite many days and the second time, although I was horny, I was just a few days after the previous one.

As I reboot while being in a relationship and having sex (not nearly as much as I'd like to, but better this than nothing) I try to go more "hard mode" and stay away from porn-like images, articles and so on. I scroll through hot girls or pics of porn stars on funny-pics-sites like 9gag most of the time. I quit reading sex related articles, which I used to to quite often in search for inspiration (to please my girl, not for porn or "research". I limited it to almost zero.

I still think about sex with almost every pretty girl I encounter and not so much about sex with my Gf. It is pretty unhealthy, but because of her attitude about sex I perceive her as less sexual. Less and less.

I'll write more about this topic in next post, if you want to read if of course. This is pretty unsettling I must say.

Anyway, back to the topic.

During these last 11 days I had my first sex dream in pretty long while (apart from being close to make sweet love to Anna Kendrick, but no action xD) and I dreamt about my high school friend. It was pretty hot, but it was not a wet dream.

I started to pay more attention to my morning wood. Still rare and quickly fading, but I try to think positively every time I get one ;) No mid-day erections though, I miss them, as awkward as they were :/

I still worry. I don't believe that these 90 days will cure me. I was not able to get up for quite a while, than it was close to normal and got worse again. And I believe that having sex or sex related stuff with gf would cure me much quicker. After all, I once got back from PIED and had a great sex life thanks to a girlfriend who really liked sex. My actual one - not so much.

I'm close to 45 days, 50% of set goal. I plan to continue no-fap policy after that. But time just flies, I almost didn't notice all this time which had past. I worry that another 50 days will pass in a blink of an eye and problem will stay.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
It's been a while since I last posted in the journal, but I somehow didn't have the urge to do so. All was good, I was not worrying too much and time just passed.

No relapse all this time, I am quite proud of myself. I was alone in the house few times and even then the urge was not too strong :)

I've been starting to regain my sexual prowess slowly :) When we hug and fool around with my girlfriend, I get up and we can have sex :) Sometimes two or once even three times in a row (with breaks of course).

Once (just once, for now but I keep holding unto that) I was able to have a full, 100% and lasting erection. When we started I knew that I would be able to stay this way all the time, when I got down on her, too (it generally was a distraction and erection faded). We had glorious sex and I am proud :) I really would love to make this full erection a regular instead of a pleasant surprise.

Only once I was unable to perform, when I entered the flat she just jumped at me to have a quickie, but I was sweaty, feeling dirty and this act was so unlike her usual attitude that I was more confused than aroused.

Some sh**ty stuff occured too, because a few times my girl and I argued about bed stuff. I must say this is the worst. Arguing about libido, oral sex, her general attitude was a reason to argue more than once, only because I mentioned it. And before you ask - I was not pressing, it was about her egoism, both in and out of bed and several different things like double standards and hipocrisy. She made me even say that my ex was at least supportive about my problem, which caused her to storm out even though I was able to withstand very unpleasant things about her exes and myself she told me. I love her, but I'm really tired of having to endure such things on, let's say, weekly basis. She even threw a roll of toilet paper at me after I asked her to do one thing I like, saying "Do it yourself". All while knowing I stay away from this.

This is part of the problem too, I guess. I know how terribly unhappy I am without her (we have a few years of being in and out of relationship experience) but being with her, fighting for her and being treated poorly makes me not happy with her either. And she has pleasant times, when she's sweet and caring, but those worse times really make me question the good times. And yet I do not want her out of my life, I want her to be fully in.

Sorry for whining like that, but I'm pretty unhappy lately, tired and I feel that all this affects my PIED problem as well.

Also we are condemned to condoms this month and I'm terrified. I was able to have sex with her in a condom twice. Both times almost slipped off me and I had to hold it in place. I guess I am able to use a condom only when I'm 100% erect and this happened only once. I started a new topic about it, you can check it out: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=5453.msg57561#new

And on the other matters:

I started to have sex (not wet) dreams :) I don't know if it's a good sign, but I had at least 5 of them, during 2 or 3 nights during the last 2 months. I also sometimes wake up with a raging morning wood which does not go away easily (usually it was gone after maybe a minute) and I'm proud of it :) Still no mid-day random erection despite cheking out girls. Even seeing my gf naked doesn't do much until we at least kiss, but this maybe a side effect from our personal problems.

To sum it up: I'm farther than I used to and keep going strong despite little support and many doubts and anxieties about the future.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Well, I just had a pretty not cool day.

My girl a left for a field trip to help some friend set up a scout camp for a few days. Basically just after our big fight. We sorted this one out, at least cleared the atmosphere but all those thing I heard from her still hurt and made me worry she's just running away from me for some time.

And today she told me she might get a job in the camp's field kitchen and there's a chance she'll be gone for a month. And I too think that was pleasant for her partly because of me. Maybe not conciously, but still.

Also no chance for any sexual action for a month, so I guess this will be the toughest time of my entire reboot.

I'll probably write here more often, just to remind myself to stay at the right path.

Wish me luck, guys.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hi, Asianguy :) Thanks for asking, it really helps if people are participating :)

To be honest, it is really good :) I feel better, I am able to have at least satisfactory sex (when no condoms are involved) and I had my first 100% erection in quite a lot of time :) I'm not fully healed, yet I think it is within reach. If not another month or two, then maybe half a year or more. I do not have anything to worry about, I'm in a relationship and I try to make it work :) If that ends and I'll be on my own again, I'll worry then.

Even though I have urges to MO, I don't even consider looking at porn. I read some blogs and sites about sex to try and improve my sex life with my girl and I do not react to trigger there. But I do get eager to try some of those things out :)

Oh, and I was able to give my woman her first orgasm ever :D And then two of three more :)

There are some things to improve still. I still do not have random erections even if I see a beautiful girl and fantasize about her. I still worry A LOT about a possibility of one-night-stands (or a new partner) and using a condom in the future. I still miss my 100% erection and want to have it every time.

But things are going great. I am almost 1/3 into 3 weeks no sex period while my gf is away. I go to visit her tomorrow, but I do not expect any action. It's a scout camp, lack of showers and so on. And to be honest even though I reeeaaally want to have sex with her, I think that it'd be even better to have some break. Also: I'd have to wear a condom :p

Also I am trying out new things. I go visit her by hitchhiking 250 km, it is my first trip this way, wish me luck :)

And I finally made an appoinment in a barber shop and I'm getting my long, metalhead hair cut short this tuesday. This is the decision I've been trying to make for at least 2 years (I'm a long-haired metalhead for 8 years now ;) ) and I always changes my mind. Not this time. This is the easiest and the pretty big change for me and I want to start here and work it out to see some new horizon :)

I also began to participate in other people's journals :) It is quite rewarding and every reply in mine is really helpful too - thanks again :)

90 days almost done. And I do not plan to PMO or MO anymore. Let's make it a 100. Than a 1000. I want all my future orgasms to be by woman's hand, mouth or any other way ;) And this is going to happen ;) I believe it! :D
 

brazilian

Member
Hey man!
Good to see your progress :)

Here speaks a former long-haired metalhead from Brazil lol. I've cut my hair a couple of years ago, and believe me... you will get some really positive feedback from that decision ;)

I have a question for you though... how long did you wait (on hard mode) before any contact with women? I ask because I broke up with a girl 2 months ago and I think that was a good thing for this whole proccess. What is your opinion?
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hey, thans for feedback! I'm scared yet excited for all this haircut thing :) Like before a first date!

I basically had sex with my girlfriend all the time during this time. First month was like once a week or two weeks, if I was able to get up. Then it got better and then we had this crazy week of nearly constant sex 2 or 3 times a day. I made her come for the first time in her life then :) This 3 weeks from last monday will be the longest no-sex period in this reboot so far.

I was not going for hard mode and wasn't going to. I had PIED problem with my previous girl and it was eliminated (or supressed) because of having awesome sex with her. Back then I did not know about all the porn involved in the problem. If I knew, I'd be cured by now :) I think that this is my way to rewire my brain.

It is hard for me to say if if it is a good time. I'm sorry for your breakup by the way :/ It sucks...

I am terrified of what will happen if my girl would break up with me. Terrified of trying to go "out there" and fail. Even with one-night-stands just to boost confidence. I'd even consider some Cialis to help boost it. Not that I recommend it - on the contrary.

If you feel ready - go out there :) And you need to accept the possibility of failure. If it happens - it happens, no big deal. If it won't - you'll have a night to remember and a massive confidence boost.

Good time will be whenever you're ready. Ready to do it, ready to risk it, ready to fail, get up and keep going ;)

Like me and my haircut. Thinking and analizing won't do - you have to DO things ;)

 
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