Wabbajack's - ONE YEAR NO PMO and starting to masturbate consciously

[Wabbajack]

Hey all

ArtVandelay, thanks for responding I'd be honoured if you read my story, especially if we're both kinda on the same page. We could both help each other And I welcome any ideas, opinions and sharing in here - this journal is mine, but it's intent is to help both me and the community. Also I love to read some thoughts from third parties, it helps to put things into perspective.

I feel my life is much better without PMO and porn in general, but to be honest I don't feel I miss porn or it's lack made me a better person. I have more free time and don't waste it fapping, but I got over the cravings and no-porn is my daily routine now. It may origin in the fact that my goal was not exactly to be free from PMO, but to cure PIED. PMO-free life is just a way to achieve it. I just miss porn sometimes, when I come across an actress (just face) that I like or anything like that when I feel some emptiness when I realize that I will not see any of it anymore. But it passes and I know that this feeling will pass and won't come back eventually

I was in the same situation as you, kinda. I had awesome sex with my girl of three years old relationship. After awesome sex I fapped few times. Why? Good question And I feel I know the answer xD

And I also liked to do stuff I saw in porn. And to be honest I still do And I feel that once we rewire, all those fetishes could stop being unhealthy. I like them

mtaha, thanks to you, too! TBH I'm not sure if I'm depressed. At times I am sure of it, at other moments it all feels temporary. I try to stay positive no matter what

And my trip to Eire may happen after all It'd cost me like 300$ more (after currency change of course) and I'm scared as hell and I have a lot of planning to do. I could replan it for the next summer. But why? Because I'm anxious? Or because of saving money I generally make in two weeks? I think I'm gonna grab my brother and go

PS. Lately a friend looked at me and said that finally I look relaxed and happy And at the moment I was! I just need to expand the feeling to all the moments forever

Again thanks for participating. It feels wonderful to see people actually care and read all those post I put here You're the best!

Cheers!

 

[Wabbajack]

I was off for a few days, didn't got the time to write anything in here Or didn't want to, I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel the urge to write, sometimes not...

Anyway, hello!

To sum up: no porn (yay!) 3 x MO (not sure if yay! but not a Nooooo... )

I try to introduce orgasm back into my life because I feel that my lack of libido or a flatline is an effect of not having O's at all. I am not sure if it's a good idea, because I'm tempted to do this more often than I'd like to, considering the reboot. Chaser effect, I guess, 3 MO's in 4 days is a bit too much IMHO. But the craving is there only when I talk about sex with my FF, we make plans, exchange ideas about stuff we'd like to do, so it's a trigger reaction. But it's a bit different trigger, don't you think? Not entirely artificial one.

I am meeting my ex and current FF this Saturday. I plan to MO once a few hours before meeting her, I'll see what it will do and how it'll affect me and decide if I should continue the "maybe" strategy for MO'ing.

BTW, all those MO's were without porn and 2 without any fantasy. Once I was thinking (just a bit) about my last time with my friend-with-benefits

I still feel like I'm not cured. I still feel damaged. But I keep smiling

I also consider going on Tinder Just for exercise, meeting girls, rewiring and maybe some casual sex Although Tinder in my country is more of a dating app than ONS arranger I also have another date with The Subway Girl (sounds like someone from HIMYM or Friends series, doesn't it? ) and I feel I will tell her a part of my story soon so she'd know where she is in this messy situation.

About my mood and other "mental" damage all I can say is that I get better. I think A LOT about my ex girl, the one I Love. But I try to do it less and do not let it affect me too much. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes worse and sometimes like a king of the world I try to focus on myself, my dreams, my emotional development. I try to have a mindset of a person living my life to the fullest!

And in a month one dream shall come true The Ireland trip is happening! Me and my brother will go for 12 days hitchhiking and couchsurfing through the Green Island! It's gonna be a hell of an adventure! And planning it will be an interesting challenge, I suck at this xD

And how are you doing?

 

[ArtVandelay]

I think you will always, to some extent, think of your ex. I mean I still think of my previous ex from 5 years ago, every now and then. Broken hearts might heal but you never forget the pain and I try to tell myself that it was never as good as I think (grass is always greener effect), and that I'm better now.

Not sure if it's a coincidence but without any porn for these last 2 weeks, I feel happier and less anxious than I can ever remember being. Just keeping busy helps everything.

And I'd recommend tinder, it might not be what it used to be, with the limit on likes per day, but it's still good even just to chat to new people. Causal sex as well, yes haha.

 

[Soul_Liberation]

Wonderful journal

I'm experiencing something similar with my relationship, one spanning 13 years. I know now that it was all based on sex, lies, and deception.

What allowed me to reach this moment of self realization was my desire to feel loved. I began reading a book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It introduced to me a whole new perspective on my current failing relationship, and what type of relationship I truly desire.

It helps me cope with the reality of things, and allows me to stay focused and not fall into any more emotional traps, or manipulative tactics. I read it over and over again and I feel a great sense of comfort know that there's so much more out there. True happiness, is better than being locked into a relationship that's all based on conditions. Unconditional love is very hard to come by, but I know one day I'll find it, it's all part of the journey my friend.


Enjoy it! And have a wonderful journey!

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey, thanks for responding So Tinder has a like-limit? I was not aware Although I work in social media, I am not a SM-freak and mobile apps are still something I hardly use. I only have a smartphone because my boss made me to xD

I am aware that I will always think about Her to some extent. As my friend phrased it: "Great feelings always leave a mark". I'd like to be with Her, maybe someday but I mustn't hope for it or count on it. What will happen will happen and the best thing I can do about it now is to focus on myself, my personal development and trying to find happiness on my own. If I do that, I might give Her (if she'd like to) another chance. Or not. I don't know and I feel I need to incorporate "CARPE DIEM" into my daily life Do not hope and do not worry about Her place in my future.

Also it's not the pain of the break up that I feel. It's Her absence. I forgave Her all the shit she put me through and I am eager to forgive Her this time. Notice that I didn't write "forget". I just want to be with Her. But again, time shall tell. No hopes and no anxiety is the key to tame these feelings.

@Soul, I might look into that book of yours Seems like it could help me a bit! And thanks for the kind word about my journal.  Also I figured out that I do not crave to be loved. I am even afraid of it. I crave to love or Love again, someone else. Someone new. To the extent I loved Her. If someone would love me now, I wouldn't be able to return it and it worries me because it's a straight road to hurting others.

Unconditional love is in the same basket, it it would come from someone other than me. The unconditional love from someone else for me. As for myself all my unconditional love is now still for Her.

Because of that I worry about the Subway Girl, I really need to be totally honest with her when we meet next time. I was with her today and things got a little sexual, like the previous date. It's passion and all that, but I worry that she might develop feelings I wouldn't be able to return...

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey all

This introducing orgasm back into my life is getting a bit out of hand. I think I do it much more that I should and I need to stop entirely or limit it to, let's say once a week. I noticed it's much easier for me to MO when I react to triggers or I am just bored. So no more of that, I don't want to come back to the beginning.

On the other hand since I started this experiment I feel out of this sort of flatline I was in for the last week and a half and my morning wood was magnificent.

Last few days also went south in the matter of me being positive and happy. I had a few rough days while I was thinking about my ex and all that. To be honest I still do and I even considering what I could do to somehow get her back. I feel like I travelled back in time 3-4 weeks, I feel like I felt just a moment after the breakup.

And how was your day?

 

[Wabbajack]

Just watched Fight Club with my brother. Considering all the shit going on in my emotional life lately it was high time to watch it finally.

?It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.?

It may only apply to my love life, but still. I. Am. Free. Now I just need to hold on to that!

 

[ArtVandelay]

Just watched Fight Club with my brother. Considering all the shit going on in my emotional life lately it was high time to watch it finally.

?It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.?

It may only apply to my love life, but still. I. Am. Free. Now I just need to hold on to that!

Awesome movie! Top 3 for me, can watch it any time.

In terms of your ex, I think it's easy to want to be back with your ex, I wanted it for over two years. There's a part of new that believes if she knocked on my door I'd take her back, but I never would because of all the pain caused. I read through your first page and from my understanding is that your well be happier without her on the long run. You deserve better.

Focus on getting yourself to where you want to be at there moment, and the rest of your life will sort itself out (love, happiness). I don't think (at least from my experience) you can be happy with someone else if you are not happy within yourself. But of course you know yourself much better than I or anyone does, so take what I'm saying with a pinch of salt! Just some thoughts.

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey Art Thanks for coming by!

To be honest I know that in the long run ,when I sort this out, I will be happier. I just have problems rationalising this and probably will have for a long while. It's the everlasting conflict between heart and reason, is it not?

I feel like what I need to do is to truly focus on myself Fulfill dreams, get that motorcycle license and a bike. Go for a roadtrip, alone. Hitchhike. Write that book I've had in the back of my head for years now.

Try to find my place in this world

And then I shall be happy. With her, maybe. With someone else, probably. Alone, who knows?

It's time to redirect all the power of mind, emotion and will from saving a relationship and fighting for a girl into fighting for myself and my own happiness It will be tough but eventually we will all be there

PS. No salt needed, just fine You speak wisely. Thank you!
PPS. And thanks for not getting stuck in the abyss of the first page, it's a mess

 

[ArtVandelay]

Yeah I would definitely recommend following some of your dreams. I'm about to finish a bachelors degree but I can't stand it. I've decided to follow through with my dream of becoming a musician - I don't care when people laugh or tell me is stupid, because to me it's not. What's worse to me, is not following dreams and getting stuck doing things we are luke warm on because it's what we're "supposed to do". Yes it might not work out, and yes it could be disappointing but nothing would be more disappointing than the regret of not knowing. I'm not big on materialistic things, as long as there is happiness and you can pay the bills, that's all I need.

I'd recommend definitely following these dreams. All of them. Be careful hitchhiking though haha. Try not to over think everything, especially when there's not much you can do. I know it's a way of subconsciously protecting yourself and I do it all the time, it brings you down and tires you out. It's easier said than done too and I would really heed my own advice.

 

[Wabbajack]

Yes! Happiness is "outside the box" and we both need to go out from under the warm, fuzzy blanket - which, TBH, to me is not at all warm and fuzzy at all - and go out there. It's where our dreams are, our happinness and our love.

Something we both need to incorporate in our lives:
https://rjjainrahul97.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/zdrvqov.jpg

PS. It's a comic. A bit too big for the forum page so let it be a link

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey all

I think I was mistaken trying to reintroduce orgasm and - indirectly - MO into my life. It got out of hand (lol) and I feel a bit out of control. MO started being an everyday thing and it was never meant to go this way. I feel much, much more into every trigger because my mind feel it's ok to MO.

Never to porn, never to porn fantasy but still.

So I need to stop again and I feel this time it will be harder

My observations: libido is higher and I feel less "flatlined" and morning erections became (i think) harder and longer. But I'm not sure. After MO libido dropped considerably and interest in sex and women dropped too. Not sure how it'd affect my erections with girls. Might try one last time if I had the chance of sex as I didn't go that far and, after all, it was the purpose of the reintroducing orgasm back all along.

I made a new counter and I probably will visit and report my progress much more as I feel this will be harder than before.



I feel like I made a mistake and a big step back. I don't feel bad or that I failed, because it was an experiment all along. It's a shame that I was not able to test it with a woman, but I might have a chance of trying that in a few days Anyway, it was a wrong turn and I was mislead but now I'm back on the road The right one.

PS. Follow my advice and do not introduce MO back. It's a trap and even it feel ok (like it was in my case) it is not and can lead back into the abyss.

 

[CrazyFrog357]

PS. Follow my advice and do not introduce MO back. It's a trap and even it feel ok (like it was in my case) it is not and can lead back into the abyss.

Hmmm. I've always thought that way, myself, but it's interesting to see it confirmed once again.
Still man, no porn for a HELL of a long time, you should be seriously proud of yourself Don't let this MO thing pull you down.

 

[Wabbajack]

I won't I just need to watch myself now.

I thought that I am strong enough to get it together and keep it as low as once a week. But I was not. Not yet maybe, but for now this has to stop.

Today I was pretty busy and only triggers I had was my hot coworker. Her sight gave me an adrenaline (or dopamine? a good sing then!) rush but no urge to MO appeared.

So far so good

Also I'll have a busy week, tying loose ends before my Ireland trip, planning said trip - hitchhiking route and couchsurfing - and atop all of this we hope to sign papers for renting a flat with my friend this week.

This is the time of change for me Started with the breakup and now continuing. And change is not only inevitable, but also required for progress. This is good! Not comfortable, not cozy but tough and frightening. Yet good

 

[Wabbajack]

Man, this is tough! Sometimes I feel like before I got back to MO - powerful, more energy than usual. And sometimes I feel this f**king urge.

But I noticed that I stopped reacting to "artificial" triggers like images of hot girls. Yes, they interest me, but no movement "down there" and not too much excitement. Once I even came across a GIF from a porn movie, very, very direct and I was not even interested, even though I stared at it for a while to see if I feel different. I didn't I did not react as I'd because of a trigger.

Fantasies about possible partners and talking or reading about real sex usually gets me much more "triggered".

I do it for awesome sex life. I need to keep that in mind.

Wish me luck And strong willpower.

I am also kinda... sad these last 2-3 days. Think about my ex and imagining situations that will not happen and how I'd react to them. This is poison and I usually force myself to stop, but lately I'm less optimistic :/ I feel like the time a few years ago when I lost her for the first time and was just plainly depressed. I hope it passes soon.

My boss and I had a little talk, she's in kinda the same situation - after divorce and after a few failed attempts to form something and it was really encouraging and motivating, we're set to talk a bit over a beer. Like to laugh all this shit away, just for a while. She also told me that for her it took 6 months to get over that guy mostly. I hope it'll be this long for me too

PS. I told the Subway Girl that I'm not ready to start anything serious and will not be for a while. She seemed a bit sad, but not too much. I'm glad that I came open and now there's no misunderstanding. We'll see what will come out of this. Maybe friendship. Maybe just aquaintances. Maybe friends with benefits. Maybe absolutely nothing. The point is: it's clear now

PPS. I was told by her that I'm a wonderful kisser

EDIT: Yeah, I really need to keep off 9GAG. Some guy keeps uploading porn. At first I was not even curious, but this morning I stumbled upon a pretty cute girl and a few of my favourite actresses. Boom, triggered. Well, interested a bit. PMO crossed my mind, but just for a brief moment. And I did not get hard I think this is the pretty good sign

PS. I keep dreaming about my ex. It doesn't make me as sad as it used to, but I'm constantly tired because when she appears in my dream, the overall sleep quality for the entire night decreases rapidly and I wake up tired :/ It shucksh.

Peace and stay safe

 

[CrazyFrog357]

Stay positive man Your situation with your ex constantly on your mind may suck, but it'll clear up eventually.
I remember a description from some french film I saw as a kid - the main character's dad explaining his own experiences with love to his son (who was experiencing his first big unhappy love). "Every woman you ever fall in love with is like a picture in an album in your mind. When you're pining after them, the picture becomes bigger and covers up everything else in your thoughts, but over time it shrinks to normal size and becomes a fond memory among all the others."
So look forward to that - it'll happen sooner or later And then you'll be free to fully enjoy your life again in whichever way you please. Maybe even with subway girl

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey!

I hope time will fix it. People always say it from experience and I'd like to be another person who could say it like that too. There's no way to rush this so I just need to keep smiling It's gonna be a hell of a few months, autumn was always my favourite season, but also it reminded me of her. But I won't let her take it away from me

I hope time will shrink this picture in my head It's still f**king huge x) But it's also my job to make it smaller and I can control it All up to me now, I am in control.

Also today I felt pretty good about the reboot, the MO thing and all that. I felt like I didn't need to do it, no urge at all. I feel like in a few days I'll be back in the mindset of having no orgasm at all and I'll be able to continue the reboot undisturbed

I also feel like I am missing the rewiring, I need to go out there and meet girls some more. I don't have too much time right now, but I'm determined to finally go on Tinder. I just need some good pictures, all I have are pre-haircut

How did you guys rewire without a girlfriend? Was it harder not to have contact with female body during rewiring after such a long time?

 

[Wabbajack]

Damn, this is irritating!

I had troubles sleeping the other night, when I was in a party. I was pretty drunk, but I had a sore arm and it was the cause of the lack of sleep. So drunk me had a good idea to MO I even didn't want to, i just thought it'd help me sleep and I basically did it against any urges - there was none!

After this I noticed two things:

1) Even if I did it agains urges, the urges used a sneaky way of chaser effect - they appeared and tempted me again.
2) After the first MO I somehow managed to sleep for an hour and I woke up with a raging boner. I wonder how to explain the connection between such things and recent orgasm.

I need to get back on track

 

[mtaha2015]

alcohol isn't good.
leave alcohol.
instead of thinking about MO. spend some time here and YBOP and think how should one deal with PMO addiction.

 

[Wabbajack]

I don't feel PMO-addicted anymore. But this MO thing is a problem right now and I need to contain it. And alcohol is not something I drink regularly, but a little from time to time is not harmful.

It was a bad cocktail of lack of sleep, alco-induced thinking and PIED.

Still, you're right. I do not plan to do such things again. I start over and hope that I'll break out from this fucking "experiment" which took a bad turn.