Wabbajack's Journal - difficult time

Wabbajack

Active Member
Soon there will be a day when I'll be off porn and masturbation free for 9 months :)

The road so far:

GOOD THINGS:
  • 🥳 Absolutely no porn cravings, much less objectification and desire to do crazy, unusual things in bed fuelled by porn and I even have this weird "bad" feeling when I'm looking for a bit too long at sexy ads or a sex scene in a movie. It's fine if I just look at it, but it feels weird if I start to pay too much attention. I think this is a really good sign.
  • 🍆 Erections started to get better, although I still use 25 mgs of sildenafilium most of the time. It started to work longer (or I get better even if it wears off), e.g. when I take one in the evening I still can have sex in the morning, but the erection is less reliable. For me this is a sign that the pill wore off and it's just ME - feels amazing.
  • 🧘‍♂ Even more curiosity about extending my sexuality to tantra, semen retention, male multiple orgasms with one small downside - most of them encourage edging and I still don't feel if I'm ready to introduce MO to my life again.
  • ✋ I'm slowly trying to change my view of masturbation, starting by calling it solo sex to again look at it as something normal and beneficial instead of a downslope back to porn.
  • 🪄 I even consider getting male toys, though I tried some of things I bought for me and my partner (a suction vibrator) and I do own a Fleshlight.
  • 💪 I got back to doing kegels, although I should be more consistent
  • 🕺 I started to dance again, going swimming and I consider running - generally introducing more physical activity back into my life.
  • ⛔ I refrain from touching myself and edging (no visual aid of course) and I noticed my premature ejaculation got better. And this leads me to:
BAD THINGS:
  • 🌋 Premature ejaculation :) Since my partner recently switched to and IUD I find it difficult to control my orgasms. As I mentioned above it gets better if I don't touch myself at all. Sometimes I have enough control and with cooperation with my GF we're able to get her off just in time (I finish seconds before her and I push her over the edge with the last few thrusts) but mostly I struggle, turn to oral sex or simply... come prematurely. Kegels help, I need to do more of that :)

    I noticed that if I come prematurely, while trying to withhold it, the orgasm is way less intense and is not satisfying at all. The worst is that if we try for round two, I still don't have this edge taken off and I tend to come prematurely (or almost) even on round two. What takes the edge off is ALLOWING MYSELF TO COME, either by her hand or mouth or when the round one goes well, round two gives me WAY MORE CONTROL over myself. So far the strongest orgasms I got was when I gave my girlfriend an oral orgasm and then I finished with penetration, she seems to like it as well.

    Funny thing is that part of me misses that "beautiful" days when I had a bit of a death grip syndrome and I was able to give my then-girlfriend 3-4 orgasms before having one myself... :p But then I remembered that I had to think about porn to finish sometimes. Yeah, good old times :p

    This whole premature ejaculation and a certain sexual tension that occurs occasionally is my main drive towards allowing myself to masturbate healhily again - the second being the tantra, semen retenion and multiple orgasms practicing.

    And this leads me to my second "bad thing"

  • 😨 Fear of returning to masturbation :) Maybe more of an anxiety. I have a feeling like introducing HEALTHY masturbation back into my life could be beneficial and help me with tension, control over my body and learning what I like, but I have a fear that I might have no restraint and the whole thing would become a fight with myself to not overdo it and not a healhy sexual practice as it should be.

    So far I made a decision to make it to a full year with no porn and no masturbation at all. I see it as quite an achievement and a milestone and I might be ready to MO. Maybe.

    Three more months :)

What do you think, lads?

Wabba
 
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Wabbajack

Active Member
Just found something "very interesting" in my e-mail... Another subscription I apparently enlisted to years ago and while it sounded like a sex toy shop, it was a full-blown P website and I got some pics suddenly right in front of my eyes, first P glance for almost a year :rolleyes:

There was more anxiety than arousal, absolutely no desire to fap and not even a tingle in my pants, but also a small rush of adrenaline, like I was doing something nice but forbidden - which I kinda was :p

I snuck a peek at others (of course there were other newsletters ) and quickly deleted the whole thing and unsubscribed.

Nothing dangerous maybe outside of a curiosity to peek, but what I mostly craved to do more interesting things in bed and not to get back to PMO :p

Also I found the pics really ugly :p

So all is good, but decided to write here immediately to get rid of any emotions that might linger :)
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Yeah! Great job, man! I'm overjoyed to see you taking such a W; you go! And don't worry, no matter what comes skulking back from your past, you just keep goin'!
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
A few nights ago during vacation in Nice I got a very nice (pun intended) boner from just caressing and kissing. I feel like I'm slowly returning to normal even if I normally use "some help". My PIED is possibly slowly "reverting" to "just" performance anxiety 😁
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hi All!

I just watched a Netflix documentary "Hot Girls Wanted" about the inside look on the amateur porn. I actually read about it in somebody's journal here.

I thought it might be full of triggers and IT IS FULL OF TRIGGERS, CONSIDER THIS A WARNING! Especially in the beginning. Then with every passing minute it's more eye-opening and you realize that what we used to watch has a darker side. And I've been reading about even darker side of porn which I'll explore further through other documentaries. After maybe 20 minutes of film every potential trigger was met with understanding, disgust and actual empathy for the girls.

I watched so that I can hopefully add another layer to being anti-porn and it worked. I used to like some hardcore stuff mentioned (although I barely touched the rough side and stuck to vanilla and "intimate" stuff) and now it feels fucking degrading.

All in all it's worth watching as long as you are okay with triggers. It can be a real eye-opener.

Also I never felt anything in my pants or no cravings, even while watching suggestive content. I felt this kind of rush of adrenaline, a knot in the stomach like I was doing something forbidden, like an alcoholic in a liquor store. But not a single small desire to fap appeared.

Moreover, I actually started thinking about having sex - but sex with my girlfriend, I was thinking about our last time and I felt I wanted to try one thing I didn't last time and it was so, so unrelated with the stuff I was watching I'm really thankful. I think my mind is redirecting.

I think watching this kind of documentaries could help (as long as you're ok with triggers!!!) because it adds another, ethical layer to staying away from porn. Not only to stop poisoning yourself, but also to stop supporting the industry that does this.

Cheers!

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I have experienced certain difficulties during sex lately, in addition to (slighly improving thanks to kegels) my PE. I've had problems keeping it up even on pills. After an initial arousal and boner I've become distracted (eg. while giving oral) and I've became more flaccid. Then I had problems going up again, ended up using a cock ring, which is ok, but 1) I don't like it too much and 2) it would be wise to acknowledge the symptoms and look for possible roots of it. I have several ideas:

- Less satisfaction from sex due to PE and certain relationship issues
- chronic tiredness lately, I've been pushing myself a bit too hard
- a bit of edging lately
- fantasizing a bit - this might be harmful. No P-related fantasies luckily.

Wonder what this might mean in relation to planned (although I'm anxious) returning to MO'ing in September.
 
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