Not again, be smarter, remember!


Hi, guy's without you actually knowing I know the site past year actually but now as I will tell you see me writing... I will tell my story because it isn't over YET!

First of I will try writing as normal as I can know that I even have problems writing in my native langue wich isn't english. (So no harm plz)

First things first. I started M around i guess around 12, normally without any internet but found my way pretty fast to it. And it all started guiltyless checking with cousins than with friends (because we didn't had computers in our room, always mutual rooms) later on ofcourse alone (sneaky sneaky)! I made it actually a ritual each evening to get good sleep, thought it was a guy's thing no?!

So really didn't had alot of girlfriends early in my life, I guess it started in my first relationship that lasted 4 years from my 16-19 I think it was. Then I stayed wachting P when I didn't saw my gf (each night!). For the first time I had sex in a relationship and guess what; It didn't work... Just totally nothing, rien, nada.
As a boy of 16 I was pretty dissapointed and hurted my selfesteem ALOT! Ofcourse it hurted even more because back than I thought it should like in porns. And I couldn't do it! Good for me I had a nice gf who didn't thought it was bad and eventually after 2w (stopping P, M) just keep trying, it worked! I was a healthy dude doing alot of sports but not social and I didn't go out very much... Just thought it was me right?!

When that broke up, I started going to a students place to study further. As I had a room for myself now and laptop enc. I don't have to make a picture aye?!
Yes well I had no gf so I didn't cared at all... Actually when I'm writing it now all down its just so obvious you know... Just never made (****) the link.
So in weeks a room for myself money from my parents and NOT Studying. Alot of partying began to smoke and drink alot, try some different kind of drugs.

We went to hookers... (OK sorry to mention this my life spun bit out of control. But to the people who are reading this, now at this point it all makes sence!) My best friend and I were NOT pretty loaded when we went the first time. And again I had a ED. My selfesteem was cracked hadn't any litle bit over by now.
I hadn't had sex for couple years and STILL it didn't work. Ofcourse I always checked on P to check if evrything is allright. And ALWAYS it was allright so I thought stagefever/stagestresss... I was too tired, I just didn't had the drift or simply she wasn't too pretty. I tried this more than once with hookers. I think 7 times. And on the 7 times I'd ED each time. I maybe O couple times but never a hard one. Maybe 50% if not 25%...

I had no confidence... Actually just a mask on my face pretending I'm the happiest guy ever that now had friends (some of them wrong). And girls they didn't do really much to me. I rather dodge em so I didn't confront myself with the same problem, ED. So I even questiond sexuallity. But I couldn't believe that I was gay (no offence plz, I was already attracted to woman so I thought I couldn't be gay. NO OFFENSE PLZ). Than without actually knowing I stopped watchin for a while.

Age 21, Past summer. Know that I didn't do each day PMO. I think couple times a week. To busy going to friends, had social life and working. Falling asleep when you come home from work.  I stopped doing drugs like I did back in the day's. But still didn't do any sports or didn't quit drinking. Going alot having fun being single. Suddenly I find a female friend (WTF??? I never had any..!!!???) And from this comes that and we went to the caf? and getting drunk.
Right to the point I drive here at home and we start making out. She skips fasty going for quick ride! I didn't ED. Actually for the first time after whole period I could have sex again! AWSOME! so I found my MOJO back and quickly the unsatisying need of PMO.

The relationship didn't last long. I was so madly in love with here! Maybe you understand that maybe you don't but she did not only give me confidence for once, she gave my MOJO back! (Atleast I thought)
So the relationship ended after 3 months had sex for like 2 months (ALOT, did sleep each night almost toghter). Than we started fighting, didn't had sex anymore so I started doing PMO alot more. To the point that it we just tried sex. No more happy times, just sex... And I mean TRY! My ED was back my MOJO gone. So didn't rlly helped much to the relationship!

Well before it ended I heard about the discussion on P in my country and I started searching and searching. Suddenly I found YOURBRAINONPORN.
Started reading like a maniac... And WTF I was stunned! This had controlled my WHOLE LIFE. And my relationship was dying, couldn't fix it with, maybe, good sex?! I was ED'ing. I quitted doing PMO. Even normal M, stopped doing it!

Than I had couple of girls. But my penis wasn't much joy joy joy afterwards... I think my reboot wasn't long enough. But I remembered it so I didn't panic'd just came with an excuse to these girls. Ddin't do PMO nor MO. Till the final moment I came home with a lady of 28! Yes, and I had him going! YES! So got my libido back! Searched more woman. But eventually I didn't made the links in the past. Now I do, right at te same moment my John worked again. And was getting complements on my work ;) (never had that).

I started PMO again... Found a girl again, highlight of my life. I was searching for one. Tired of single nightstands or short relationship, I wanted something real!
She's my gf right now. We have had awsome sex in begin! But later on I noticed one thing. I PMO'd for maybe 4 times on a day. And my John wasn't getting anyway near he was. I felt him degrade back to 0%. I had ED again!

My story, my struggle, my falling back into a pit. I was addicted again. I had it going rlly good, now I don't. I checked the internet, found YOURBRAINONPORN back and I was perplex'd. I read now each day stories back finding support in the NoFap.

Now it has been 2 - 3 weeks. I've had an ED last week lastest when trying with my GF. I didn't told here, I can't... She doesn't know about this. She doesn't have to. I now KNOW it'll get better again. I just need some time rebooting again. And maybe it won't take such long time like befor because the timelap isn't hat long in between I hope BUT!

I've had this morning my first morning wood back since a LONG time. And it makes sence to me just right now this is what I need again! REFRESH REMEMBER THIS TIME. What i'm gonna do is; Jumpstart myself tomorrow. Yes, I've had it, and I won't let this relationship go the hell bcs I can't satisfy here because I was so stupid to get back on PMO'ing. I went to the docter gave me pills to regain "selfesteem". I think I'm gonna try em and build slowly off. In mean time NO PMO!!

I'm writing my story down. I always be remembered about all akward situations. The excuses to the girls but MOSTLY to myself, yes... I NEVER WANT TO SEE PORN AGAIN!!!!! I hope people who did successfully a reboot/rewiring that they don't become addicted again. I seriously not, bcs you don't seem to get it while you are at it!

I'll update later on as the progress goes :) and I will firmly thank all users, moderators and the owner. All the misery, selfesteeem loss. Questions if there is something wrong with your'self. After a while it takes a toll...

Gabe Deem

Staff member
What's up Damn_yUO,

Sounds like you have had a lot of ups and downs with porn addiction (literally) and have a lot of understanding how negative it effects you. Use this understanding, that porn will not give you the pleasure your heart desires, it will only numb you and re-wire your brain, as motivation to stay away from it for good!

We are glad you are here. Welcome to RN. Hope the best for you!


you think I can pull it of? use sort of viagra and meanwhile rewire? I want to try just bcs I don't want to fail again... Making just another excuse. I can only try and hope it will help. Keep you updated.



UPDATE; had yesterday morningwood again... NICE! As for the evening it went well drank some brewages and smoked some pot, took than the pill later on that night. Had sex!!!!!!!!!! in begin i was afraid hewouldn't get hard or the pill that didn't work, because i read you need sexual stimulation. Well my P went around 35% in begin and than 40% put him inside and went harder lucky me!

Trying to stay op PMO or MO - and only taking a pill to have sex. gonna try reboot like this and let my mind get used to sexual stimulation...! I have the feeling this will work :)
**Today; Weird morning wood, stayed long - passed fell asleep and regained it back also for a while. This went on for 3 times :D

Stay of porn guys!