Kurall's True Reboot

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
I'm on day three of my journey.

I know I am an addict, because I've tried to quit several times and started over again. I started my addiction to PMO when I was 13 years old, stealing an adult magazine when I was 13 years old, and hiding it in my room. By the time I was 18, I was renting movies at least once and month, and by 20+ I was going on the internet to look at pictures. when Highspeed internet came along, I was watching videos daily.

About a week ago, I decided to change. I had issues with my girl friend in the bedroom, many times I wouldn't be able to orgasm while having sex - this was at least 40-50 per cent of the time. While I didn't know anything about the Porn on the Brain website, I kinda knew it had to be that I addicted to PMO, because I was engaging in it at least every day, sometimes multiple times a day. On that day, I told her about my addiction and I told her I would get better.

During that week, I fell a couple of times. At least it wasn't every day, multiple times a day.

Then three days ago, I ran across the Porn on the Brain website as I was having a struggling moment. I read many of the pages, and realized so much depended on me to stop.

I hardly have enough energy to do a couple of things a day. After starting a Lasagna yesterday around 3:00pm, I made it, went to the drug store with my girl friend to pick up some of her meds, packed the Lasagna in ziplock containers and put them into the freezer after we got home, made some hamburgers to BBQ, ate one of the hamburgers, and then after that, wash dishes. I was exhausted after all of this, and it was only 7:00pm. This is not the energy level for someone who needs to find work right now, to help pay the bills, and someone who wants to create a video game app to look for the job I really want to do - be a video game designer and writer.

And yesterday, because of losing a battle in a video game, I got angry and shouted at a video game. The withdrawal is hitting me really hard right now. I know I feel the compulsion right now, to watch some porn, to medicate these feelings away.

I realized, my porn addiction is really destroying my life. I remember for years how I would fight apathetic and drained feelings, and that would always take away from my school work and job work. I knew what I wanted, but I never seemed to have the energy or drive to get there. It didn't matter how much I prayed - I would never get over that hump.

But I believe that this is my chance. This is the first post that will ultimately connect me with others who feel the same way, or have felt the same way.

Oh, I read somebody from YBOP asking if there is actual proof that the brain can improve without porn use. Recently, about a week ago, I started using a brain training App called Fit Brains.

My current Fit Brains Index is 1097/2400
Focus is 166/400
Problem Solving 181/400
Memory 170/400
Visual 225/400
Speed 216/400
Language 139/400

So, I will continue to post up new scores, and how I am feeling every single day.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Yesterday, I had a couple of triggers. I first felt a trigger when I was watching the credits of a TV show, and the names of one of the actors reminded me of a porn star - so names are definitely a trigger for me. I can see why they say never mention the name of a porn star here - it's because the neural pathways are strong and names can bring the desire.

I also got bored while I was doing some before the job training, and that started to bring an urge.

I didn't relapse, so I am still clean on my 4th day.

On that side note I will continue on that idea that your brain can dramatically change without porn - here's my scores for Fit Brains.

Overall 1119/2400 - +22
Focus - 166/400
Problem Solving - 185/400 - +4
Memory - 170/400
Visual - 231/400 - +6
Speed - 228/400 - +12
Language - 139/400
 

53nomorepmo

Active Member
Kurall, measuring the fit brain sounds like an interesting approach to gauging progress.  It should be interesting to see how it goes.  I suggest adding a PMO counter to your posts.  There are instructions on the site, and we can probably help you with issues if you have trouble getting started with it.  I found it a very good tool for watching my progress.

I see you play video games.  If you are spending a lot of time on this, you might consider slowing this down as well.  We PMO addicts are really dopamine addicts and I think excessive gaming feeds into our addiction.  I might not have this correct in your situation so please take this advice with a grain of salt.

Finally please continue to read yourbrainonporn.com.  It seems like the more we know about the issue the easier it is to gain a handle on it.  PMO isn't an option.  Good luck in your journey.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
I don't have much time today, I have to get to my new job in about an hour and a half - and I have to walk to the bus terminal, which takes about 20 minutes.

Yesterday was a real hit for me. I had a job interview at 8:30am, got told I should go to the orientation for 1:30, but I needed steele toe boots and safety glasses, so I went to Walmart right after the interview, after I got home to get ready for that. After the orientation, I was asked to come in this morning - I started to really get some doubts, and I felt overwhelmed.

Thank god for my girlfriend and her family. They kept me going.

I got a bit angry at everybody yesterday, but I didn't relapse, so I'm on day 5 now.

I got up today without any sleep, even though I got up at 4am my time! I was never able to do that before! ;D

My fit brain scores-

Overall - 1148 - +29
Focus - 166/400
Problem Solving - 187 - +2
Memory - 181 - +11
Visual - 238 - +7
Speed - 231 - +3
Language - 145 - +6

I'm not sure about the games though, I can put them down, especially when I get peeved. I only picked up my iPad once to play games yesterday, and only for a half hour before I went to sleep.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Hey guys.

I have decided that I'll post up during this time for the next two weeks.

I went through my first day at work, and it was a perfect match. I'm working at a factory, and the repetitious work really helped me. I never had one porn fantasy, and I was thinking about the video game level I want to create quiet a bit, and I work for a really good wage too!

Also, when I got home today, I was with having some fun with my girlfriend, and my erection was so much stronger than it has been in a while. She even commented on it, saying she hasn't seen me that erect for that much time in a long time.

I think the bad days are behind me.

The way we looked at each other, and that was all it took for me this time, to be with her, looking into her eyes, and I was ready to make love to her. I didn't because I want to abstain from having an orgasm for two weeks.

Still no more porn. Porn is definitely not an option for me!
 

1Kdavid

Member
Keep up the good work.  You will continue to gain strength each time you say no.  I definitely feel having a girlfriend or spouse who is understanding helps in this struggle.  i look forward to your posts and being encouraged by your progress.  I once read an article that said even 1 victory over PMO is a significant victory.  Sometimes, we forget how major going 24 hrs, 3days, 7 days and so on can be.  Cherish each victory. Remember how hard it has been to get where you are and think about that when tempted to relapse.  Peaceful thoughts.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Well, today was hell.

I somehow forgot my bus tickets, so I left a little late, running to the bus stop. When I finally got into work, I was a bit upset to my stomach, probably low blood sugar. I was really down this morning, having all kinds of negative thoughts, and even thought about porn a bit. But after my first break, I decided to think about other things, what kind of life I want to live - so I thought about being the lead designer for my video game idea - that would be awesome!!!

After lunch, I was constantly thinking about how I did my girlfriend wrong with how I treated her while I was addicted to porn - demanding her to be in certain positions, and then 'punishing her' when she didn't. I was so wrong. I prayed as I was cleaning the machine I use at work, silently that God forgive me for all the lies and all the pain I caused with my addiction.

When I got home, I told her about my day and we came to an understanding. I can't believe how I treated her for so long, and I was wrong.

Now my fit brain scores -

Overall - 1163/2400 - +15
Focus - 167/400 - +1
Problem Solving - 194/400 - +7
Memory - 181/400
Visual - 238/400
Speed - 246/400 - +15
Language - 137/400 - -8
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
I decided not to wake up so early this morning to go to work, so I called in sick. I will go back tomorrow. But I am so glad I decided not to go in.

I researched more videos on what porn does in your brain, and the one thing I remember most is not giving a frak!

I am still improving my knowledge and I had a moment of clarity, one of my profs in my animation course said I should go back to school recently, as I talked a little bit about the work I am doing on the game level - a level I found really hard to work on because of my porn addiction, because I felt depressed, tired, and unmotivated.

I know I should now. With all the energy and optimism I am feeling right now, probably because I stopped the porn, I think in three months I will go back and kick ass, create the game level I always wanted to create, talk to some of the guys the benefits of living life without porn. After that, use that amazing game level to get a job at BioWare corp and eventually be the project manager for my video game!!!!

And when my girlfriend and I get married, and we have kids, I will tell them to avoid drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and porn as they all will destroy your life, you'll have amazing lives if you don't do that!!!!
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
I just relapsed.

I was stressing out because I wasn't feeling well during the first week of my job. Probably because of the withdrawal issues.

I was up to 2 in the morning, this morning, fighting the urge. Then I fell asleep, but I just woke up and PMO. My brain sent me for a whack.

Having watched a lot of videos from NoFap last night, I know enough not to feel ashamed. I know it was my brain, and not myself, that sent me looking at porn, so I am going to forgive myself for this falling - and I vow to do better this cycle - I was at 6 days, so I will go a week this time at least, and hopefully more.

For now on, I will learn other techniques on how to handle stress, as it lead to this relapse.
 

unchained

Active Member
Look into the following...they have all helped me tremendously in this reboot:

1. Cold Showers.  I haven't even had a warm shower in well over a month.  They have made an incredible difference in how I feel.  A couple of days I have come home completely stressed after work and took another cold shower to ease the tension...they do work.
2. Covenant Eyes. I don't use the filter, just the accountability reports sent to my wife.  I've installed it on every computer (including my smart phone) I have access to...even my office computer.
3. Meditation.  I do both a mind clearing type as well as a focus type.
4. Education.  Read, watch & listen to any and all resources you can find.  When you think you've reached the end...start over.
5. Communication.  I talk to my wife about how I feel.  If you can't talk to your girlfriend, then find someone you can talk to.
6. Forum support.  Stay involved here.  Journaling here helps, but also read other journals.  It helps to read that others are going through, or have gone through, the same things that you are experiencing.  Reading the ongoing journals of guys who are further along can be a tremendous source of encouragement and provides hope.
7. Exercise.  I've started running again and have a push/up-pull/up routine I focus on b/c I don't belong to a gym and don't have exercise equipment at home.

These things help relieve stress, add a layer of protection between yourself & porn, improve mood, improve alertness, brings others into your "secret" life, increase awareness to your own thoughts, increase your knowledge of what is happening as you quit, and they help use time and energy that was otherwise used viewing porn.
 
N

notgivinup

Guest
Hey Kurall....just read your journal. I'm glad you're here.

thanks for your honesty here. It's great that you have just acknowledged the set back you had. But, the reality is that you are making progress in the right direction. Don't let one set back take you down. You did that for years and years; so, don't give up. never give up. It will just get better and better as you do the things needed to walk away from pmo. The stuff unchained just posted is all really, really good. Even the cold showers....I've been going on them since January...they really do help. But all the stuff he listed is a great help.

I'm glad you're here...it can only get better if you keep going.

Thanks,
NGU
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Hey everybody.

Yesterday went great!! It wasn't so good yesterday morning. Stressed out and everything. I talked a lot on the phone with my girlfriends mom, who went through AA. talked to my girlfriend. I decided to forgo the whole no orgasm part, and me and my girlfriend had some fun. After that we went for a swim. I felt fantastic for the rest of the day.

I see that it was what me and my brother said about the chocolate lab our family owns, it's about redirection. Even Gary Wilson says it, it's about changing the pathways for sex with a partner, and not with a computer screen.

I didn't feel tempted this morning to look at porn at all.

On the depression stuff, I decided to look at it positively, this is my brains work to heal itself. It's not a death sentence, it's not stress, or stressful. My brain needs to feel this to heal the damage I did to it for years.

I also thought of an animation I may work on. Everybody here probably has seen previews of Inside Out, the new Pixar film. I thought, this is what happens to Joy when you watch porn. She gets so flushed, she gets obese, which makes her run to the toilet to puke, i.e. Binging and purging. After doing this 100 times, she is so shrivelled up, she start's looking like a zombie, and all she is doing is saying porn, dragging her heels as she walks.

Then I would put text saying, studies show the longer you use porn the smaller your reward center becomes, sapping away your drive, ambition, and your life, and then giving links to your brain on porn.com

After that, I will have a screen with text, but all is not lost. Just like a smoker who stops can repair the damage to their lungs within a few months to a year, if you quit watching porn your brain will rebalance and your reward center will grow back to normal in 3 to 12 months. Instead of watching porn you can,

Go for a swim, jog, run.
Learn your artistic style and practice it everyday, be it photography, drawing, painting, sculpting, making animations, making video games - get out there and show the world who you are!!!
Meet a nice girl and be her friend.
Do something with your family.
Play some board games.
Get involved in sports.
Get straight As.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
I don't know what it is, but I am going on a wild binge today.

Twice in a couple of hours.

But the one thing I am not going to do, like I did so many times before when I wanted to be accountable, is leave here and deal with this on my own. I'm tired of that. Dealing with this stuff on your own sucks, because it makes you hide.

I don't know how many people read the Bible, but the story of the original sin is really about hiding after we do something we know is wrong. It is a natural compulsion, that we expect everybody and God to reject us!  I'm not doing that today! I'm going to say no more. I will not hide in shame. I am but dust, and if a righteous man falls seven times, he gets up seven times!!!
 

53nomorepmo

Active Member
Kurall_Creator said:
if a righteous man falls seven times, he gets up seven times!!!

Dust yourself off, hold your head up and begin again...  When I quit smoking the first time I think I had to quit 8 or 9 times.  Stopped for several years and have just quit again... Sometimes making a change is a series of steps, seldom does it happen that one succeeds the first try out of the gate.  You are correct that PMO is not an option.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Thanks!!!

I had a better day!!!

Visited my brother, watched some movies while playing some games.

I can't wait to go to work tomorrow.
 
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notgivinup

Guest
Kurall....great job on getting up and getting back in the saddle. You are here. That is huge. Even after a bump in the road...you didn't walk away...you are here. that is awesome. I know the feeling and the temptation to throw up our hands and want to give up.

The deal is, you are here and you are further along than you were when you were running to pmo all the time.

I'm really glad you got up and got back at it. You are making progress here. Thanks for your honesty and determination.

NGU
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
I've been pmo for the last couple of days.

Yesterday was really hard. I had a panic attack before work, got in just in time, worked in a factory during the hottest day we have had so far this year. I felt so drained after, but now I'm on vacation!!!

I am having some panic attacks, and I wonder if every decision I'm making right now is the best. After yesterday, for instance, I thought, the last factory I worked at, I vowed never to do this again because I was in so much bodily pain, and look at what I'm doing again, great.

I wonder how much of this is personal pain I've kept inside for so long, or is it just withdrawal symptoms!

At least I get 6 days to go through things!
 
N

notgivinup

Guest
Hey Kurall.....I'm glad you are here.

You mentioned pain...and wondered if there was more to it than just physical issues. The fact that you go "there" is probably an indication that there is something trying to get your attention.

If you can do it, I recommend a great book called Breaking the Cycle: Free yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession and Shame, by George Collins. This guy went through porn addiction himself, so he knows what's it's like. The book has helped me a LOT. He also gets into the part of the pain in our lives that leads us to want to pmo.

Sounds like you would have time to get into it. You can download it on a laptop as an ebook from Amazon.

If you can, I really recommend it.

But, the fact is, you are still here, and you are not running away. You can get back up and keep going. You are much further along than you were when you were always running to pmo.

I'm glad you're here.

Thanks,
NGU
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
No matter what. I'm going to keep my brain fit scores.

I wish I kept putting them up for the last couple of days, because I believe my scores improve more on days I don't slip compared to days I do slip!!!

Overall - 1278/2400
Focus - 181/400
Problem solving - 224/400
Memory- 204/400
Visual - 254/400
Speed - 267/400
Language - 148/400
 
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