Yes I Can!

[bob]

This is it. While not entirely new to this I am now back!
60+ years old and I have not gone without pmo or mo for more than 24 hours, over the past 45 years. It wasn't everyday. When I started (at 8 years old?) but I made up for it later. I started with magazines and progressed through all possible changes in technology. Magazines were collected, soft to hard. Those were hidden and maintained until I threw them out in disgust. Then the cycle would repeat. When VHS came out I rented players, made copies of rented videos and collected again. This process was repeated again and again. Next was dial up Internet with downloads. Finally, I was streaming everything through high speed Internet. Some days I would repeat pmo up to 3-5 times a day, edging for hours on end. I planed that each session would only take a few minutes long. Hours later I would finally o. I would then look at the clock and realize I was out of control. I never finished thinking the time was well spent.

I wasted a lot of time with this behavior.

Now for a bit of background? I have been married for 25+ years to a wonderful woman. We have two older boys who are close to being on their own. My wife has known about my pmo habit and has never been judgmental. However, she has been frustrated with my lack of ambition, my lack of intimacy, and my distant behavior. Over the years I talked to her about my concerns but was never able to stop.

Honestly, I am not sure what began this current attempt to break the cycle. I guess it was my wife saying, You know, you can download pod casts on sex addiction.? I started to search and then to listen. After that I found YBOP and the video that explained how porn affects the brain. I am now on my way to being pmo free.

I am still scared. I know that it will get harder before it gets better. I only recently (last two years?) had any problems with ED. I attributed it to being close to 60 but honestly; I now realize its direct connection to porn.

I want to stop. I need to stop. I am so glad to have found YBOP and Reboot Nation.

 

[Kurall_Creator]

Hi Bob,

It's great to have you here.

I have a similar story, starting with magazines, going unto VHS tapes, then downloads on dial up to streaming on high speed. I know where you're coming from. It looks like you checked out some of the stuff on www.yourbrainonporn.com, and that you will be going through withdrawal symptoms. Yes, they can be very hard to deal with at first. Panic attacks, worsening depression and everything else.

But what is getting me through this, and I've been working on being PMO free for the past three weeks, is this. First, I said, while I was going through the withdrawal symptoms, this is my brain's efforts to heal the imbalance that was caused by the years of my habit.

After I got through all of that, I realized something. In order for you to recover, it isn't removing pmo out of your life, it is replacing it with other activities. Since our pmo is all about our primitive reward centre, which is seeking reward, to deal with pmo, which is just seeking, make some goals for yourself to seek. This should help reinforce those connections.

For me, I want to work as many hours as possible at my new job, so I can afford a 5k iMac. I want that 5k iMac to go back to school and work on the video game idea I have, which involves some of the research from YBOP website. I want to take the work I do on that, go to a video game company and get hired. That's just professional.

On family, I want to have better relationship with my girlfriend/common law spouse, and have a better sexual relationship with her.

Mentally, I once believed I had a short term memory disability, but clearing up porn for the past few weeks, my short term memory, concentration and drive are way up - and I want to see how much better I will become for being pmo free for another year! Did I ever have a real learning disability? I'm not so sure now - and when I go back to college, I want to have another testing of a educational assessment, to see if my short term memory is considered at the bottom 11 per cent anymore - which is another goal I have!

ect, ect. ect.

As you replace your drive from porn with your drive for natural rewards, and remind yourself - porn is a fake reward, you strengthen the healthy highways for rewards, and continually weaken that artificial/fake reward pathway!

I hope that helps you. Don't be afraid, there's hundreds of thousands of us Fapsternaughts, rising above the atmosphere of porn in our world!!!!

 

[bob]

Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.

 

[notgivinup]

Bob....great to see you here.
It will get better...the further you walk away from pmo. Yes, it gets difficult at first...when you stop running to pmo, your body craves comfort and some kind of buffer from the internal pain of life...but the further you walk away from pmo, then the more real healing begins.

You can do this...really glad you are here.

NGU

 

[bob]

Thanks

pmo seems to be doing fine. My biggest challenge now seems to be staying away from soft triggers. These consist of the image that show a bit of skin and seem to peek the interest. I wasn't even interested in those during the first part of my reboot. Now they seem to be calling me to visit.

I know the slope is slippery and the voices are calling.

Problem is that the reward for visiting doesn't exist.

 

[bob]

Checking in on my 48th day of this journey.

Made the commitment to end pmo but as a married man, I am continuing to make love to my wife. Was going to say "have sex with my wife," but it seems to be much more than that. She is very supportive of my journey. May not understand it fully but is continues to support and love me. Anyway, intimacy with her has risen to a level that I would not have imagined  before I started this process.

I knew I had to stop. It was sucking the life out of me. Even when she would be interested in making love, I didn't feel like it. Typically, I had just spend some three hours edging and if we were to try, I might not be able to perform. If I was able to perform, I might not have been able to o. I would have to WORK at it.

Now, it seems like I am just giving myself over to her and it is fantastic. She says that she is amazed that it is better for her as well. Neither of us thought this would happen. And I surly didn't think the frequency of our times together would increase. 

Am I fixed? No. I have a long way to go.

Recently I  mo'ed (without p). I really didn't think that this would be a problem. I am still not sure how I feel about this. But, I seem to have hit a point where I am looking for that titillating bit of skin on the internet. Maybe a youtube video where see a big busted women in skimpy attire. Gets me thinking about mo'ing again. Want to be careful as I want to save this time for my wife.

Anyway, I a just rambling on so I am going to sign off.

Thanks for being here you RN brothers. Wouldn't be this far if it wasn't for you.

 

[53nomorepmo]

Hi Bob, good to see you again, and thank you for reading my journal. 

I fell at about this 48 day marker you are at now.  The trigger in my case was being alone and essentially forced to be on the Internet for long periods of time.  Unfortunately unavoidable in my work.  A simultaneous trigger was being under personal stress in my relationship due to my wife's issues.  Like you those little bits of skin or whatever that didn't really get me going in the beginning of my reboot seemed to carry a bit more trigger power later in the process.  I guess this is just learning about my addiction. 

I am sure it will get better over time.  So I begin again... hoping to make it to the goal post this time.  Sounds like you have some wonderful support at home.  I wish I had this it would make all the difference.  Good luck to you and I am so happy to hear about your discovery of real love!  Beats the heck out of pixel madness.

 

[bob]

Thanks guys

It means a lot to hear your stories and how you are coping with this process. On a time away from home. Kidded the wife that there will probably be a strip joint next door to our hotel. Well, its not next door but its close.

Go figure. Never really went to these but they are a visible sign of available sexual stimuli. I do notice that I look at them as I drive by. Don't feel terribly tempted but the trigger is there.

Ill hold up my end of this guys. I just appreciate your comments.

 

[notgivinup]

Hey Bob...I'm really glad to hear about how much better things are with your wife. That's great.

Life is only better when we walk away from all forms of the pm that used to flood our lives. I mean...that used to enslave us.

I'm glad to hear that you are walking away from pmo.

Thanks for your post.

NGU

 

[bob]

Well, I ended up going to the strip club.

Trigger Warning...

Walked in and paid my $17 for one drink. Sat down and wondered why I am there and what was the attraction. The first girl came up, proceeded to sit on my lap and asked; What was my name? why was I there? Was I married? Why would I come to a "juice" bar.

I told her I was hot (temperature) so could she please get off my lap. She left saying I must not like black girls. Over the next 5 min 5 more girls came by, wanting to connect. I honestly had no interest in them and really wondered why I was there. After the 5th girl I got up and walked out without any more emotion than "why did I spend that money?"

Kinda strange...

Still no PMO but MO hasn't been eliminated. Not sure how I feel about that. BTW, there was no fantasy about the strip club. I just felt sad and dumb (shame?)  to have even gone there.

 

[notgivinup]

Hey Bob....sounds like you are seeing beyond the fantasy and the lies of the strip club.
Thanks for telling us about this.

The good truth is...you are here. You're not unconsciously out looking for the fantasy fix.

Thanks for the honest post.

NGU

 

[bob]

Yeah, I had one girl approach me to start her "talk." I stopped her and told her I wasn't going to be very profitable tonight. She said thanks and just walked away. I found that I wasn't interested in them. They weren't particularly attractive to me. I just wasn't that interested.

Good thing but I guess that isn't one of my triggers. I might have been in big trouble if it was.

 

[notgivinup]

It's all a fantasy....whether in the club or the pixels online. It's all just to get your money. The girls don't really care anything for the guys....it's an act. just to get money.

The truth is, most of the girls despise men...can't stand them. It's an act.

Even the pixels on the screen...and the video on the screen....all just to get money.

If you get a chance, go read KurallCreator's last post.....that's an eye opener as well.

Hope you are doing well. Thanks again for your honesty here.

NGU

 

[bob]

Currently struggling with depression and a feeling of worthlessness. Haven't PMO'ed but MO is a bit more frequent, maybe every other day. Not sure that is a good thing.

Anyway, I wanted to bring up a thought that I haven't heard addressed. Why isn't the health care industry addressing this issue. I know the drug companies don't care as they continue to profit if they continue to sell drugs. Porn induced ED, what do they care. We keep looking at porn and they sell more drugs.

Ad begins with a women on a bed. "So guys, it's just you and your honey," she says. "The setting is perfect. But then erectile dysfunction happens again. Plenty of guys have this issue -- not just getting an erection, but keeping it."

OK, I see the drug companies angle. What about primary care physicians? Has anyone heard their doctor ask about PMO when going in for ED meds? Any talk at medical conventions that address this issue? Seems like there could be a PSA that would benefit a lot of people, men and women alike; if only we could bring this into the mainstream.  I know it would piss off the drug companies. And, I don't even want to think of how the Porn industry would react.

As I hear from kids these days... I'm just saying.

 

[Kurall_Creator]

I wish the health care community would take a stand on this. But the majority probably don't know about this.

Up until 5 weeks ago, I never heard that porn use could lead to ED!

It is up to us to do that for the community.

On a side note,

I would stop the MOs for a couple of weeks, as it will boost your testosterone. Lack of testosterone is linked with depression, and not orgasming for a week can bring your testosterone up by 45 per cent!!!

Taking cold showers help too, because they release a hell of a dopamine hit every time you do it. It's almost as good as sex for me right now!!!

 

[bob]

OK, guys, I have now added a MO counter so I am committing to stop MO for at least 30. PMO was not to bad to stop. At least at this point looking back it feels like it wasn't too bad. Anyway I am going to keep my hands off my dick!

I do love the feeling of morning wood I now get. Makes me feel like I am making progress. I just can't keep going as MO is starting to feel like it is a PMO substitute.

My wife is still supportive. Yesterday we messed around in the morning and later that evening we made love again. It was AMAZING. Never thought it could be this good.

Just got to stop MO. Seems to take away from our time together.

 

[bob]

Its been a while since I have been posting regularly. I really miss it and feel that I do better when I feel connected to others that are walking the same journey.

I feel I have hit a plateau; where I feel like I am doing ok but that I still have the urges and desires to just give it a peek. I haven't and now I have even added no MO to my list of goals. I found that I seemed to justify the MO as just a release, a way to take the edge off. Problem it wasn't surfacing as a late night, just wank and go to sleep. It became more elaborate, a goal unto itself.

I waited until I could be alone. I would then plan on how the wank would progress. What would I do to enhance the experience? Would it be a semi private space? Would it include other items to enhance the experience? Would it continue for more than just a few minutes?

If it was just a two minute wank and sleep I wouldn't feel like I should eliminate this from my life. It seems like the experience is becoming too involved, too planned, too much like the PMO. I am getting to the point where I am struggling against it.

Anyway, thanks for the support guys. It means a lot to be able to communicate and share what is happening in my life.

 

[bob]

Having a difficult time with stuff today.

For the first time I Googled some soft stuff.

Came across some pin ups in a antique store over the weekend. Stopped to look at them and the old feelings started. Just a few minutes ago  I searched pin ups on-line. Maybe two min at most but I realized that this is a threshold that I don't want to cross.

Not sure if the elimination of MO has anything to do with it. Need to work on some of the things to prevent these feelings. My wife will be away for about a week in a few days and I don't want to falter. The things I need to try are

• Cold showers, (seems really hard for me to try)
• Meditation (easier as I have always like deep breathing techniques
• Exercise (Have needed to do this forever)

I know this whole thing needs to be a life changing experience so I will start to work on it. Will keep you informed of my progress.

Right now I am a bit scared as I know that my previous life was a damn sink hole and I don't want to return.

 

[1qqq1]

Triggers are all over the place. I find I have to just immediately get away from them or they will just grab a hold of me. And if I stumble upon something, continue browsing, at times I just get a massive dopamine surge and then I'm a goner. It's like my mind is just screaming to see more. It is truly a drug that will get you high. Especially if you have gone months without it. It's so scary because I hate what it does to me. And it's free(porn)... but it will keep us as it's slave anyway it can. Keep fighting Bob, you're on the right path.

 

[clickshop1628]

Wow, great stories that i can relate to. Thanks guys for sharing. Hope things will work out for you somehow.

Life isn't  just about porn, anyway. But you need to start to wean off porn..... thank for this forum too.