Yes I Can!


Respected Member
Thanks  1qqq1,

I am hoping that it will get better. At this point it seems to be getting worse. I want this thing gone and me to be over it.

So frustrated that I can't even think. Will try to post more later.



Respected Member
I have officially reset my counters. It was really hard after 90 some days but I have to be honest with myself.

I recently took to P substitutes and the old feeling started again. With the feeling was the internal discussion of "what if I... " I don't want to go down that slippery slope so I guess honesty is the best.

Will write more latter but right now I feel kind of stupid. I was doing so well.

Got unconfused on the counters so I just started over. That sucks too. I really like to see that I made my original 90 day goal.



Hey Bob...just read your latest posts.

We have all been there. You can feel "stupid" for 2 minutes....but then you get up and get back on the journey. Actually, that's 2 minutes too long.

Even with the bumps in the road, you are still much further away from the daily pmo than you were when you started this journey.

It's not like going back to square one. You get up, and keep going.
And, you are here....and you are being honest. That's a huge victory, too.

I'm glad you are here, brother. Let's just keep going.



Respected Member
Well, I'm ready to give some more details of my current struggles.

I went through my 90 days without PMO without as much problem as I thought I would have. MO was a different story. I didn't think that MO was much of a problem. If I didn't dwell on P during the process I thought MO was fine. My wife was supportive and the sex we had during that time was amazing. It made me feel like it was the best ever.

Alert to potential triggers:
Jump to the present and I look back at my MO. It got to the point that that process started to take the place of PMO. I started looking as P substitutes. Pin Ups have always had an attraction for me but this moved on to other images of women in magazines or the internet. I also found that I was looking at real women with a different eye; like sex objects and players within my own fantasy. Next came the visits to Adult Shops. I didn't stop at the video booths but I slowly went around the whole shop dreaming of what I could with each item. I was on a trip on the interstate and had plenty of opportunities to stop and leer. I also began to dwell on male/male activities. While not gay, these as well as past fantasies started to play a bigger role in my MO time.

One place I stopped had a lounge and I thought of previous visits and encounters I had with strangers. The triggers were strong; even to the point of planing visit on a return trip. In the long run, I didn't stop but I did continue to visit the Adult shop and eventually purchase an item that I used during my MO.

Long story short, my P subs became videos I took of myself as I MO. While I didn't look at Internet porn it became obvious that it was only a matter of time before I started in full blast and was heading to my favorite sites for multi hour visits. I didn't do it but the triggers became so much stronger.

While I am pleased I haven't officially looked at internet porn, this is little consolation when I realized I was beginning to return to past behaviors. Some of those actions were down right dangerous or unhealthy. They are things I don't want to repeat.

Anyway, I have included P subs in my counter as well as general MO.

I need to put some time behind this and break this cycle. I want to eliminate all types of P or P subs that could be present in my life. I know that during my first 90 days I was able to turn my head from women in revealing positions or clothing. I want that again. My wife is the one I want to concentrate on and "lust" after. PMO or any forms similar must be removed from my life.

It is also really embarrassing to profess these actions. Its as if I don't even know the person that I am or could become.

While it still scares me, I know that with the help of you folks here and the conscious effort to read, learn, and journal it will get better.

I can beat this demon.



Respected Member
Just checking in...

Realized that my P substitutes were based on the idea that I wasn't cheating. Somehow I thought it was OK to look at or create sexual content that I could use to MO. After all MO isn't a problem? Right?

For me it was a problem. P subs used for MO produced the same dopamine rush that caused the problem as the Porn on the internet. It created the same problem that got me addicted in the first place. It separates me from the love of my life and keeps me distracted. It gives me that blank stare that shows her I am not here but somewhere else.

What about just regular old MO? That's just normal isn't it? Well, for me it currently is escalating into P subs. Its me waiting for my wife to leave for the day so I can O. Its taking away from my life and my relationship with my wife.

That's a problem!

What about down the road? After all, a quick jerk in bed before I go to sleep is over quick. It's relaxing. It doesn't seem to be a problem but with my abstinence all things P I need to leave it behind. I need to keep my hands off myself until I feel that this thing is under control.

Who knows, an alternative is that MO looses its hold on me altogether. I do read of folks who have beaten this thing and feel that it isn't such a struggle anymore.

I can only hope that I can get to that point. Right now I am trying to introduce an exercise regiment into my life as a substitute for this destructive behavior.

What a trip if I could get addicted to being healthy! Right now it is still really difficult.

Peace brothers.


Active Member
Hang in there Bob, you'll be able to figure out what works best for you. For me I need to go without MO. I think there Is benefit to retaining that energy you expend doing MO. It gives me a clearer head, helps me to be more confident, and less ashamed. Also MO is so closely related to P my brain sees no distinction. I never did one without the other or at least fantasy. On the flipside I think sex with a partner would enhance my recovery and life, if I had one. 90 days is an amazing accomplishment. You can do it again and go even further.


Respected Member
1qqq1 said:
Also MO is so closely related to P my brain sees no distinction. I never did one without the other or at least fantasy.


No truer words were spoken. As I said, I thought MO was fine. But since eliminating PMO it became the new P. Sounds kind of strange but MO needs to go.

I remember when I was really young. I had a "trigger alert" a fantasy regarding MO. I would be on a raised bed grinding against a pillow with beautiful naked women all around the bed. Not sex with these women, but just MO. I started MO very early in life. The first time I thought I was going to pee but nothing came out. Don't remember my age but I remember the event and surrounding vividly. Honestly, at that point in my life, I wasn't sure what sex was. Why would I dream of anything else. However, latter, I began to wonder why I would MO and not have physical contact with naked women."trigger alert."

That was a long time ago so moving on...

I got up early today and started a run routine. I have a dog that loves to get out and hang with me so I have a buddy that will always want to exercise. I know that as I start this XMO process I need some other "addiction." I also know health wise I need to work on getting into shape. It is obvious that physical activities will be the most efficient insurance to assure an active old age.

One other point I would like to make.

I was on this site at the beginning of my reboot and left for about 3 weeks. I came back with a different name to be a bit more anonymous. During that time away, I realized how much I missed the support of others. Communication is the key to beating this thing and while my wife is supportive, she isn't close enough to really understand what I am up against. What I need is dialog with folks in similar situations.

Thanks for your input. You will never know how much your words have helped me today.
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Hey Bob...I remember you from when you were first on here.

You have been a great support to me as well.

My roller coaster has had more downs that ups lately....and I'm pretty tired of it.

I have had to remind myself of WHY I am here, and what led me to this place. I know someone who was quitting smoking, and they said that the insanity of it became so real when they said, "Can't I just quit, but still have a cigarette?"

There is no blurry area is either no pmo, or choosing to pmo. For me, choosing to pmo caused pain and loss in my life...even when I thought I was "getting a pass" on one. The roof didn't fall in, and no one died when I last pmo'd. So, the door was kicked open again.

But, what I have to remember is that when I pmo....there is another brick laid in the wall between me and my wife, and between me and my children....and another brick laid in the wall in my mind and my heart that blocks me from other people, and from life.

I forget to easily.

So...enough from me about me....I just wanted to say hi, and tell you that I am glad you are here. I am with you, and continuing on the journey to live a life WITHOUT pmo.




Hi Bob,
I've been reading your posts for a while now, and I can very much relate to your story.
My wife, also on this forum as 'Hoopvol", pointed out you wrote a reply on her journal. She now is very supportive, and understanding towards me.
Almost every day, since we are on this forum, we talk. Seeing her fight for our relationship,makes me stronger every time.
The letter she wrote, keeps me going !
You're right not to resign to MO.Nothing works better for me, than a clear, and busy mind.
Enjoy the simple things in life, and know that you're doing a good job in sharing with us.



Respected Member

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to have someone touch base and see how I am doing. The elimination of MO is really going to be a challenge for me. It has been a part of my life for so long and the pathways are really deep. Most important point is to continue on towards the goal.

Stay strong my friend.


Respected Member
I'm starting another day without M. For me M always the beginning.

Have some general exercise questions for you folks. Do you have any resources on weight training? I am planning on talking to someone (trainer?) who might be able to start me out right but would like to know if anyone has links online that might help. I am interested in starting slow to strengthening my joints so that I can maintain and eventually build muscle mass.

I have started an exercise program as well but want to alternate between the two. Any comments you have will be helpful. I am hoping this whole routine will give me the "lift" to redirect when I feel those ever present cravings.

Peace brothers. We continue to move forward.


Active Member
As a former Army guy, push ups, sit ups, and some cardio, is all one really needs to be "in shape". Do as I say not as I do. Lol I have been doing push ups and sit ups twice a day for a week now. Running is not my thing, never has been. But I am starting to feel good again. As for weight training advise...sorry, I'm not your guy.


Respected Member
Thanks L.T.D.

I appreciate your comments.

Running isn't really my thing either but the dog likes it.


Active Member
Hi bob, your doing good. Everyday we don't pmo, we are healed a little  bit more. I found  out for me, that you tube was a big time trigger for me u
I just really  try to avoid  it, at all costs . because we all know our brains, at least we are started to know our brains.  They are very powerful. Watching  you tube,  is like being on a giant avalanche, in slow motion. The videos  go from normal,  to bad, quickly.


Respected Member
Had a epiphany this morning; something some might call a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious).

Triggers might be a bit of a misnomer. That is they act fast but can be subtle.

Let me try to explain my reasoning.

I love pin ups. Always have. The artwork used on the sides of the airplanes of WWII to the Vargas girls of Playboy. Their life-like images, while over airbrushed and anatomically exaggerated were images of beautiful women. They were always a draw and up until recently considered by me as harmless.  Appreciate them? Sure. Not big deal.

I now realize they are part of a slow slide towards images and content that is unacceptable; at least for me. They make me want to continue to look and explore. The make me want to continue. Correction, them make my brain want to continue and explore. I am realizing that the power of my brain chemicals is quite powerful. It wants to continue that exploration and the outcome will not be good.

If I was to explain this to my "outside" friends or colleagues, I think they might laugh. "What's the big deal?"

No big deal unless you have spent hours in front of a screen lost in the search and acquisition of porn. No big deal unless you have wasted hours if not days of your life on a action that separates you from life. No big deal unless you are trying to change a destructive behavior that is easily defined as an addiction.

Translation; I have to say no to spending time lingering on even the most innocuous "girly" images. They may be intriguing but they don't help with my journey. They don't help with my goal. They are the beginning of a path who's meandering can lead to a fast paced highway to hell.

I don't want to go there. I will not go there. I want to look to the light. I am looking for love. I am looking to life.

Porn is not life. Porn is the BHTH, (Black Hole To Hell).


Brooklyn Jerry

Active Member
Hi Bob, 65 yo guy here. I had slacked off with training after my wife passed. I use to WO a few times a week and even entered some powerlifting contests 15 years ago. Around the same time I found this site I started doing some lifting again. I then came across a great resource for lifting info,  it is designed  for novice lifters or those getting back into it. I  bought the book Starting Strength and think you will find it helpfu. Running is not my thing either.


Respected Member

Thanks so much. I will check it out as soon as I can. I think it will be a big help.

I am in the process of reading the book Younger Next Year in which it says that many parts of the aging process are reversible. Part of the regiment is exercise 6 times a week, 4 aerobic, 2 weight lifting. Another point of the book is that one should connect with people. Seems this if vital for continued youth into old age. It is another good reason to drop PMO. No connection to reality.

Thanks again. I will let you know how it goes.


Active Member
Been there, done that. I was off porn for 93 days, but I would film myself m.o. not good it was a trigger. We have to be diligent, not stray. You are right we can beat this demon. I'm at home tonight,  til at least 10. I'm going to keep busy. No pmo here. It's a choice we all have. We need to make the right choice,  for us, and  our families


Respected Member

I thank you for your honesty. Your support means so much. It helps to hear one is not alone.

I am overwhelmed by the shame I carry for my actions, but I must not wallow in self pity. I will break the cycle of this addiction. I will leave it behind. I will support others on this quest and know that we are stronger together then when we are alone.