Yes I Can!

bob

Respected Member
Just heard a statement on a pod cast...

Finite time. Infinite choice.

While not directly related to compulsive sexual behavior, it is something to think about.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Bob,
Good to see you work on this.  Connection is the key!  Connection results in being able to listen.  Listen to your partner who then can listen to you.  I still stand by couples in this should read Love You Hate the Porn.  How we did this was I read it and highlighted and made notes in the margin where I identified being.  Then he read it and did the same.  We then went through it together.  The other book was Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.  We read this one out loud chapter by chapter first me then him and stopped and discussed things along the way.  It is great help in communicating.  And seeing what the goal really is as we talk or argue in our relationship. 

Look forward to your progress.
 

bob

Respected Member
Update to say that at the end of the April, I slipped and found myself on-line in places that were not productive. I mention this not to lament, or profess my anger at my inability to automatically stay away pmo or mo. I want others to know that if this happens, you are not starting over. You are continuing from where you are. It is a path that you should continue to walk; even if there are branches, mud, and rough roads, you need to continue to move forward.

There is nothing to be gained to from the self shame or embarrassment.

It is not who I want to be. But is not who I am. It is where I was. And I am not at that placee now. I won't be there tomorrow. Will I ever find myself there again, I plan to use what I have learned to make the required detour. But, there are no guarantees.

As a friend in my SAA group said, "just get back on the bike." I am back. I am moving forward. You can too.

Peace
 

bob

Respected Member
Doing a lot better with my time but I continue to obsess about this process. It's always on my mind.
 
This is it. While not entirely new to this I am now back!
60+ years old and I have not gone without pmo or mo for more than 24 hours, over the past 45 years. It wasn?t everyday when I started (at 8 years old?) but I made up for it later. I started with magazines and progressed through all possible changes in technology. Magazines were collected, soft to hard. Those were hidden and maintained until I threw them out in disgust. Then the cycle would repeat. When VHS came out I rented players, made copies of rented videos and collected again. This process was repeated again and again. Next was dial up Internet with downloads. Finally, I was streaming everything through high speed Internet. Some days I would repeat pmo up to 3-5 times a day, edging for hours on end. I planed that each session would only take a few minutes long. Hours later I would finally o. I would then look at the clock and realize I was out of control. I never finished thinking the time was well spent.

I wasted a lot of time with this behavior.

Now for a bit of background? I have been married for 25+ years to a wonderful woman. We have two older boys who are close to being on their own. My wife has known about my pmo habit and has never been judgmental. However, she has been frustrated with my lack of ambition, my lack of intimacy, and my distant behavior. Over the years I talked to her about my concerns but was never able to stop.

Honestly, I am not sure what began this current attempt to break the cycle. I guess it was my wife saying, ?You know, you can download pod casts on sex addiction.? I started to search and then to listen. After that I found YBOP and the video that explained how porn affects the brain. I am now on my way to being pmo free.

I am still scared. I know that it will get harder before it gets better. I only recently (last two years?) had any problems with ED. I attributed it to being close to 60 but honestly; I now realize its direct connection to porn.

I want to stop. I need to stop. I am so glad to have found YBOP and Reboot Nation.
Hello Bob.

Thank you for sharing your story and being a part of this community. All the stories people tell here and very helpful to the growth of this community. I take inspiration from every story I read and see that so many people suffer from these addictions no matter how small or big.

You are very lucky to have a strong willed and understanding wife. I am rebuilding myself at the moment and trying my hardest to defeat my addictions to help rescue my marriage. Thankfully the last days have been a godsend since finding this community and learning from others.

Thanks you so much for sharing and keep up the good work.
 

bob

Respected Member
Thank you Danger. It seems it is a continual process. But, I know this process works! If you want to change your lifes habits it is possible. RebootNation played a big role in allowing me to grow.

I have been here since early 2015, and I have come a long way.

I have
  • gone without porn and dangerous compulsive sexual behavior for most of the time while I have been here.
  • had slips and relapses but these are shorter than I previously thought possible.
  • continued my therapy, even to move into couples therapy and all of that has been wonderful.
  • built a wonderful relationship with my wife. Our love life is truly amazing.
  • fantasies I would like to explore with my wife but would not care if they ever come about. The big thing is that I have open up to her and expressed my desires. That was a big step for me. I have bared my soul and she has listened to my most private and intimate thoughts. Some of these have been difficult to voice but she has listened. She understands who I am, and she still loves me!
  • attended a 12-step program (SAA). While I am not religious, the group of guys accepts supports and loves me.
  • struggled with the idea this is an addiction; that it is something that you need to profess for the rest of your life (one of my struggles with SAA) but I accept the support and guidance I have received from the group.
  • continued to focus on eliminating smaller and less noticeable triggers that tend to lure me back to my previous behaviors. Those I continue to weaken in any way possible.
  • worked to reinvent my life and substitute positive behaviors for those that remind me of my past.

I continue to be thankful for this group and the support and care they have shown to me over the years.

Peace.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Very cool to see someone still coming back here for support and to share after 6 years! Fantastic. As someone just a few weeks in, it gives me hope.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Bob,
Great that you shared the above! I know this has been an ongoing journey for you. Just know for all PAs it will always be an ongoing journey full of choices. I truly appreciate you speaking of sharing with your wife. I also have appreciated that you recognize that your wife is on the journey with you as she is part of the marriage. I hope all the men reading your journal recognize your commitment. Kudos to you! Thanks for showing healing can happen.
 

bob

Respected Member
Thank you Guitar. Sometimes I write and I are never sure if anyone reads any of it. I just hope folks realize that this process is possible.

Gracie, always good to hear from you and the perspective you represent. Your support with this site is amazing.
 

bob

Respected Member
Good morning,

I was thinking back on my progress. Am I as successful as I think? Am I moving forward and away from those compulsive thoughts? How about the actions related to those thoughts? Well, the thoughts are still there; but...

I keep a journal of my activities. Nothing much, just an accounting of the frequency of my activities divided into mo (masturbation and orgasm) and pmo (porn masturbation and orgasm). I do this for my own benefit. Many times I have felt that I have been doing great, "it must have been weeks since I last masturbated..." and when I check. I have made it 4 days. Not as productive as I thought. During 2019 I had recorded frequencies of as low as 11 during one month.

What about pmo? There I wasn't as successful. I had recorded frequencies of upwards 51, and 73 pmo sessions in two different months. 2020 I was down to 15, and another month at 9. Still if you are trying to eliminate pmo those numbers still aren't great. Reduced but not great. But while 2121 is far from over, the biggest slip was for 7 pmo for one entire month.

Its not perfect but I am not looking at perfect. I am looking at progress. I still have much to accomplish but I am growing; adapting into the man I want to be. I pledge to be someone who is devoid of this compulsive behavior. I pledge to be free.

You can do this too!

Peace
 
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bob

Respected Member
Morning folks,

Struggling today for purpose and understanding of the challenges I face. These in itself takes me closer to the "edge." I know I must continue to reinvent myself but sometimes it's difficult.

Peace
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Morning folks,

Struggling today for purpose and understanding of the challenges I face. These in itself takes me closer to the "edge." I know I must continue to reinvent myself but sometimes it's difficult.

Peace
I think it's almost always difficult. We have our good days and our bad days. I hope you find more good ones. Stay strong. Keep coming back here and sharing your problems/issues/successes - we want to hear them and when you feel like you might need to go to a porn site, come here and write about it. It's been helping me so far.
 

bob

Respected Member
Crazy as it sounds, I have been viewing porn (just a peek that lasts for longer) without masturbating. Pointless, stupid, dangerous, I know. Playing with fire. Makes me feel ashamed.

That is why I am here. Writing this instead of doing right now what I did yesterday and the day before. Reminds me of the old PSA that said using

"Using heroin is like having a monkey on your back. Isn't that funny?"

... then the monkey shrieked!

Still working on recovery...


Peace
 
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bob

Respected Member
Sometimes I wonder why this is so difficult...

I know the reasons. Its an addiction. The pathways in our minds have been formed over time through visual stimulus has been reinforced by the intense pleasure of orgasm. That habits are hard to break. That it's tied to past trauma

All I know is that I have been fighting this for over 50 years.

I just wish I could find calm in what has been accomplished instead of feeling like it is all a farce.
 
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Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Bob,

As long as there has been change. If there's been a complete reinstatement of the habit, the same frequency of acting out, the same length of times for binges, then maybe this can be said...

But, you've noted above how the quantity and frequency of acting out have been greatly reduced over the last few years. That is definitely progress!

There is much to celebrate, and your hard efforts with their successes are definitely NOT a farce!
 
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