My JournalJune 28, 2015
I am a 22 year old female who has been addicted to porn since age 12. You can call me Rebeka (not my real name). I've always hated porn and have always been struggling to get rid of this addiction. The way I started...well, I had pretty low self esteem at that age, going through puberty, all self conscious and all, and I had a boyfriend. He did not treat me well, and it was not a fulfilling relationship, but I stayed with him since I was desperate for the attention. He would always talk about sexual things and would talk about how he loved porn. Eventually he cheated on me and I finally left him. I was really lonely, and so I decided to look up some porn. That is where it all started. I am desperate for help, and usually I have my own personal journal, but I need to go public and consistently communicate with others to really cut the habit.
What makes me relapse:
Recently I've been pretty proactive in cutting the habit. I usually relapse after a week. A week feels like forever, and I usually see an increase in energy and mood after not using for a week...so I delude myself into thinking that I'm not as addicted anymore. It is usually when 1) I am bored, 2) overwhelmed, 3) can't fall asleep at night and am using it to numb me back to sleep, 4) if I wake up super tired and lethargic and just don't want to get out of bed.
How it makes me feel:
PMO has ruined my life. But nobody knows about my problem, except for my father of confession, and even he I avoid going to now and avoid being honest with. Everyone thinks I am this super put together girl. I am fit, attractive, smart, and a great friend. But no one knows about this problem that has been eating away at my life. People see me as this super smart and self disciplined person, but they don't know that I almost failed out of high school, lost my college scholarship, and again almost failed out of college. No one knows that I am constantly depressed for no reason, constantly feel lonely, constantly unmotivated, constantly feel overwhelmed and anxious about even the smallest responsibilities.
I suppose addicts of anything always have an element of denial in their minds that will never really leave them until they recover. I am in denial that all of these problems are due to my porn addiction, though it has been a part of basically half of my life that I do not even know who I really am apart from it.
After I do it, it sucks the energy out of me. I feel physically weak and lethargic, like I'm in a haze, and it basically ruins the rest of the day.
But, I will be great. I will be free, and I will be able to finally meet the Rebeka God has always intended me to be. God help me, and help us all. This is my journey.
June 29, 2015 - Day 1
This was yesterday, so I'm journaling late. No relapse thank God. This community is so freeing. I really like the counter too, it's so encouraging constantly seeing the green bar go up, I don't want to ruin my progress.
But today was a good day. It's always easy not to pmo when I'm busy and spending time with friends and having a good day. It will be on the bad days that it will be really hard. I think I just need to start being more organized with my time.
June 30, 2015 - Day 2
No PMO thank God.
July 1, 2015 - Day 3
No PMO! I got my period so was just really tired all day, had a headache most of the day. Otherwise I was pretty busy. Had to drive a friend to get some nose surgery and hung out with him for a while, then went to the gym. Now I have to study.
I've been in a good mood lately. I've been pretty busy, spending time with friends and doing school work. It's also summertime, I wonder whether the weather really strongly affects my mood or not.
I just want to be back to my normal happy and super motivated self. I don't want flourishing in my life and talents to feel like a chore. And I especially don't want other unavoidable obligations to feel like a chore, like paperwork and bills and stuff. I just want to be a mature individual. I want to love God again, I don't have the same spark I used to, that really loved God and wanted to fill my life with Him.
I'm almost half way to the goal of going more than a week without it. I'm loving reboot nation. Even though it seems impossible right now to live without P/M/O, I guess when every day I see other people on here who have done it, it starts to become more and more believable that I can do it too.
July 2-July 4 - Day 4-6
Still no PMO, since I've just been out of the house and spending a lot of time with other people.
July 5 - Day 7
Fail =[ I relapsed today. I guess got overconfident. For some reason, Sunday nights have ALWAYS been very PMO prone for me. I really need to structure this time to stay out of the house and stay very very busy. But I guess I can't have the attitude that all of my efforts went to waste, since any day spent PMO-free is a day well spent.
July 6 - Day 8
No PMO. YAY! Back on track, set the goal to 2 weeks now so I don't get overly ambitious the moment I hit a week.
July 11 - Day 13