I will be great.

[WeakbutHopeful]

My Journal
​

June 28, 2015

My story:
I am a 22 year old female who has been addicted to porn since age 12.  You can call me Rebeka (not my real name).  I've always hated porn and have always been struggling to get rid of this addiction.  The way I started...well, I had pretty low self esteem at that age, going through puberty, all self conscious and all, and I had a boyfriend.  He did not treat me well, and it was not a fulfilling relationship, but I stayed with him since I was desperate for the attention.  He would always talk about sexual things and would talk about how he loved porn.  Eventually he cheated on me and I finally left him.  I was really lonely, and so I decided to look up some porn.  That is where it all started.  I am desperate for help, and usually I have my own personal journal, but I need to go public and consistently communicate with others to really cut the habit.

What makes me relapse:
Recently I've been pretty proactive in cutting the habit.  I usually relapse after a week.  A week feels like forever, and I usually see an increase in energy and mood after not using for a week...so I delude myself into thinking that I'm not as addicted anymore.  It is usually when 1) I am bored, 2) overwhelmed, 3) can't fall asleep at night and am using it to numb me back to sleep, 4) if I wake up super tired and lethargic and just don't want to get out of bed.

How it makes me feel:
PMO has ruined my life.  But nobody knows about my problem, except for my father of confession, and even he I avoid going to now and avoid being honest with.  Everyone thinks I am this super put together girl. I am fit, attractive, smart, and a great friend.  But no one knows about this problem that has been eating away at my life.  People see me as this super smart and self disciplined person, but they don't know that I almost failed out of high school, lost my college scholarship, and again almost failed out of college.  No one knows that I am constantly depressed for no reason, constantly feel lonely, constantly unmotivated, constantly feel overwhelmed and anxious about even the smallest responsibilities.

I suppose addicts of anything always have an element of denial in their minds that will never really leave them until they recover.  I am in denial that all of these problems are due to my porn addiction, though it has been a part of basically half of my life that I do not even know who I really am apart from it.

After I do it, it sucks the energy out of me.  I feel physically weak and lethargic, like I'm in a haze, and it basically ruins the rest of the day.

But, I will be great.  I will be free, and I will be able to finally meet the Rebeka God has always intended me to be.  God help me, and help us all.  This is my journey.

June 29, 2015 - Day 1

This was yesterday, so I'm journaling late.  No relapse thank God.  This community is so freeing.  I really like the counter too, it's so encouraging constantly seeing the green bar go up, I don't want to ruin my progress.

But today was a good day.  It's always easy not to pmo when I'm busy and spending time with friends and having a good day.  It will be on the bad days that it will be really hard.  I think I just need to start being more organized with my time.

June 30, 2015 - Day 2
No PMO thank God.

July 1, 2015 - Day 3
No PMO!  I got my period so was just really tired all day, had a headache most of the day.  Otherwise I was pretty busy.  Had to drive a friend to get some nose surgery and hung out with him for a while, then went to the gym.  Now I have to study.

I've been in a good mood lately.  I've been pretty busy, spending time with friends and doing school work.  It's also summertime, I wonder whether the weather really strongly affects my mood or not.

I just want to be back to my normal happy and super motivated self.  I don't want flourishing in my life and talents to feel like a chore.  And I especially don't want other unavoidable obligations to feel like a chore, like paperwork and bills and stuff.  I just want to be a mature individual.  I want to love God again, I don't have the same spark I used to, that really loved God and wanted to fill my life with Him.

I'm almost half way to the goal of going more than a week without it.  I'm loving reboot nation.  Even though it seems impossible right now to live without P/M/O, I guess when every day I see other people on here who have done it, it starts to become more and more believable that I can do it too.

July 2-July 4 - Day 4-6
Still no PMO, since I've just been out of the house and spending a lot of time with other people.

July 5 - Day 7
Fail =[  I relapsed today.  I guess got overconfident.  For some reason, Sunday nights have ALWAYS been very PMO prone for me.  I really need to structure this time to stay out of the house and stay very very busy.  But I guess I can't have the attitude that all of my efforts went to waste, since any day spent PMO-free is a day well spent.

July 6 - Day 8
No PMO.  YAY!  Back on track, set the goal to 2 weeks now so I don't get overly ambitious the moment I hit a week.

July 11 - Day 13
Fail :-(

 

[J]

Hey Rebeka. I know this was not easy for you as the common denominator for women is the sense of shame that comes with admiting to the addiction. And because society has created this sense that it's normal for guys and almost expected of them, it becomes harder for women to be more open about the problem.

I understand where you are coming from and do wish more women would come forward. I did try quitting on my own. Just tried to keep it between me and God. But I failed miserably. Like yourself I have an image of being that girl that had a good head on her shoulders to becoming a determined woman. Truth is that in my life, only my sister knows and I have no idea how I will tell my parents in particular my mom who would constantly emphasize on how I am a person who has always known better. No pressure right?

The whole point is I decided not to worry about it and concentrate on recovery. I am happy for you, this is an important step. You have already identified several triggers. What steps have you taken, if any yet when you feel the onset?

Watching the videos of your brain on porn helped me a lot, but I would also recommend checking out the story of Shelley Hitz and her website Christian Women and Porn. She talks her own addiction and is very motivating.

Keep journaling and read some the other stories as they will help. You can do this.

 

[WeakbutHopeful]

Hey J!

Wow its so surreal actually having a conversation with someone about this.  Yeah I agree, there is a lot of shame regarding sexuality for women, that we are not supposed to be lustful and if we are something is horribly wrong with us.  But doubly hard for women like us is the fact that the cultural reaction we are seeing to this type of oppression is going in the complete opposite direction--normalize promiscuity, make women watching porn and masturbating just as normal and acceptable.  If you choose not to do those things, you are accepting oppression and and repressing your sexuality.

Wow that's amazing you were able to talk to your sister about it.  What benefits will there be in telling your parents/mom?  Just my perspective--I believe premarital sex is wrong but I lost my virginity a few years ago, and when I confessed it to my father of confession, I told him I wish I could be open about my experience so other people could learn from it.  But he said no, this is your personal life, no need to ruin your image and make this a part of who you are when its not a part of you at all, esp since I already repented and wanted to move on.  He said when you speak about chastity, others will sense your honesty even without knowing your history.  Of course that's just my two cents, don't know if the same advice will apply to your situation.

Steps I've taken when I feel an onset--really, nothing.  I've tried a few things, most just distracted me for a few minutes, but when I'm possessed to watch, it's like nothing stops me.  I think what has been effective is calling a friend to talk or going out to distract me, but those aren't sustainable methods.  I think I've also logged in to yourbrainonporn and it helped let the storm pass.  What are your suggestions?

I will definitely check out Hitz.  Thank you so much for the recommendation!

Thank you so much for the kind words J.  I think it's important we remember that pmo is not a part of us.  We are an unlucky bunch to have been exposed and hooked, but so much luckier to decide to quit and find each other here on this supportive network.

Also, congrats on 58 days!!!

 

[J]

Wow that's amazing you were able to talk to your sister about it.  What benefits will there be in telling your parents/mom?  Just my perspective--I believe premarital sex is wrong but I lost my virginity a few years ago, and when I confessed it to my father of confession, I told him I wish I could be open about my experience so other people could learn from it.  But he said no, this is your personal life, no need to ruin your image and make this a part of who you are when its not a part of you at all, esp since I already repented and wanted to move on.  He said when you speak about chastity, others will sense your honesty even without knowing your history.  Of course that's just my two cents, don't know if the same advice will apply to your situation.

Steps I've taken when I feel an onset--really, nothing.  I've tried a few things, most just distracted me for a few minutes, but when I'm possessed to watch, it's like nothing stops me.  I think what has been effective is calling a friend to talk or going out to distract me, but those aren't sustainable methods.  I think I've also logged in to yourbrainonporn and it helped let the storm pass.  What are your suggestions?

That is a great question. Truth is that my mother tries to be nonjudgmental but she does have a strong conservative view when it comes to premarital sex so I am sure this will be a bomb to her. So why tell her? Because when things come to light the very thing that has a hold on us weakens. It's not about bringing the past up, we are definitely not our past, but it's about eventually using our story to help others. When I told my sister, I learned that she was struggling with the same thing. We had kept it a secret from one another because of shame and because of shame we were suffering in silence. Please don't misunderstand, it took me awhile to gather up the courage to tell her and I am nowhere close to telling my mother. When I am at that place that I am ready, I hope to share with her, not because I don't feel strong, but because I don't feel she is there yet emotionally. We should never feel pressured to tell, but definitely having a support network helps. I have a friend that I have also identified that I will be sharing my story with who has been supportive in the past. It is important to share the story of past mistakes with others to warn them but there is a time for that and honestly that may not happen until years down the road. Right now, it's just about sharing with those we believe can keep us accountable.

That would be one of my suggestions, to identify an accountability partner that you have access to talk with either face to face or call. Someone that will keep you honest, that is not a blabber mouth and will provide support. I know of other people that go to therapy or counseling. I have been looking into it to fortify my resolution, but honestly there is no bigger force than you standing up to those triggers and doing the opposite. For me what works is making sure I am surrounded by people or going out in public. Exercise has a good effect but also recalling positive memories. One thing that is a huge block for me is when I see my nieces. Their presence has a way of stopping those thoughts. I see them and happiness just overflows. Watching a funny movie or to be on the safer side, (I know this will sound funny) Disney animation helps. They are fun! When you are having fun it's hard to think about anything else. So you just have to find those positive reinforcements, but beware as sometimes we replace one habit with another. I at one point started playing video games and that turned into hours playing video games, which is no bueno.  I also gained weight because food became a source of comfort. I went from 130 to 167. So that is something I am working on.

I know what you mean when you say when you are possessed to watch nothing stops you, but you have to be aggressive about your recovery, yet patient and willing to forgive yourself. You will get there. I am still getting there. You can do this. Keep track of your feelings and of your triggers. Start revisiting the positive things that you enjoy and use them as ways to combat the urges. Hope this helps.

 

[J]

Hi Rebeka, how are you doing? I read you had a recent relapse and that's ok. It happens. As long as you don't give up you will see progress.

Also, couldn't tell you had been updating. If you hit reply every time instead of the modify tab, it will set as a new post and alert others, otherwise it appears as if you have not posted at all.

 

[J]

Talk to us. Reach out. What's going on?

 

[bob]

Rebeka,

Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you with your struggle with PMO. It must be extremely difficult as a women to fight the shame that goes along with this addiction. I know that I deal with a great deal of shame myself and it sure doesn't help my efforts to remain PMO free.

One item I have found helpful is listening to Bren'e Brown on TED. She has studied shame and brings a fresh understanding to what we are dealing with. I would recommend checking it out as it is quite helpful.

Please know that you are not alone in this journey. We are all pulling for you.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en

 

[mtaha2015]

yup.
we all are in this darkness.

connect with god.
take care of your body.
manage stress level.
listen to affirmations
meditation
walks

fill your life with positiveness, negativity will fade away.

 

[WeakbutHopeful]

Recommitting to a PMO-free life.

It's been two years since I've posted on here, porn is still part of my life but I think much less so.

I graduated from college, got a job, have been immersing myself in my interests, dating around to find a good man.

What is on my mind right now/my main motivation for returning to the forum:

PMO has a negative affect on my romantic relationships.  In my last relationship, my boyfriend and I were having sex, but he could never make me orgasm.  I would have to masturbate to orgasm and think about all these pornographic images.  At first he thought there was something wrong with him, that he couldn't turn me on, but I'm sure eventually he thought there was something wrong with me.  It was really embarrassing. 

Now I'm with someone else that I really see a future with.  We aren't having sex, but in the future I really don't want my pmo addiction affecting our relationship.  I want to be able to be stimulated by a real human!!

I can't believe PMO has had a hold on my life for so long.  Will this demon ever be conquered??  I guess all I can do is commit to 90 days and see what happens.

Wish me luck.

Rebeka

 

[bob]

Good luck Rebeka,

You should feel positive that your pmo has reduced.

Now, like many of us here, you need to eliminate it. The fact that you returned is a sign that you can do this. Keep it up as the rewards for success are great.

Peace

 

[WeakbutHopeful]

Thanks bob!  I am happy it's reduced!

I'm excited to see how my energy and motivation levels improve.

 

[WeakbutHopeful]

Well, Day 1 down.  89 more to go.

Kept myself busy with reading and working, and then saw a friend after work.

 

[Jimbodel]

Hi;  I am new here and like you I went 6 weeks and then 5 days without porn and then thought to myself "well I am only reading/writing  a story, it is good for my brain" and then FAIL!  I am really excited in thinking of porn as junk food; that is something that really turns me off to a huge degree and just saying it over and over is helping, I can feel it.  Maybe it is just me, but maybe it can work for you too, you can only try.  I also try subliminal beats on youtube, they seem to help also, I am currently using the one by Matrix99.

My wife works tomorrow, a sure trigger for me to fail but instead I am already planning on getting out my guitar and recording stuff and laying down some songs.

Anyway, just wanted to try and help, maybe it will work for you and if not well nothing really lost.

Keep up the fight, YOU WILL GREAT!

 

[WeakbutHopeful]

Hi;  I am new here and like you I went 6 weeks and then 5 days without porn and then thought to myself "well I am only reading/writing  a story, it is good for my brain" and then FAIL!  I am really excited in thinking of porn as junk food; that is something that really turns me off to a huge degree and just saying it over and over is helping, I can feel it.  Maybe it is just me, but maybe it can work for you too, you can only try.  I also try subliminal beats on youtube, they seem to help also, I am currently using the one by Matrix99.

My wife works tomorrow, a sure trigger for me to fail but instead I am already planning on getting out my guitar and recording stuff and laying down some songs.

Anyway, just wanted to try and help, maybe it will work for you and if not well nothing really lost.

Keep up the fight, YOU WILL GREAT!

Thanks so much for the tips and encouragement!!

 

[WeakbutHopeful]

You know how recovering drug addicts say that they will always have the disease, no matter how many years they go without using?  That they will always be drug addicts and susceptible to relapse?  That's how I feel.

I'm 25 now and first saw porn in like 5th grade.  That means more than half my life has had porn in it.  Wow.

Thank God, I definitely use a lot less now.  I am definitely a lot happier, not depressed and anxious and always lonely like before.  But I still relapse, and I still feel like my brain is not totally healed.

I struggle with two ways of combating addiction.  When I'm busy living my life, I can go days without thinking or caring about porn, and so I think "out of sight, out of mind" and I don't do anything to really try to fight the problem.  I just think, as long as I'm productive, the more days I go without using, the weaker the desire gets.  But then relapse just creeps up on me.

The second way of combating addiction is actively reading about it, actively trying to fight it, but then I feel like porn is always on my mind and that just makes me feel worse or more likely to use again.

Anyone else experience this?

What I hate the most is my apathy for life and my unproductiveness.  I don't know whether I have a mental issue or whether this is all porn induced, but I guess I really need to try to eliminate porn either way.  I feel like my life is going no where because I can't focus energy on a specific task for a sustained period of time.  My career is going nowhere, I keep switching what I want to do, I'm not making much money.

I realize that I have to go into a 90 day fast with the expectation that I will relapse.  But how often is a forgivable amount, I do not know.

 

[mousemat1]

Set yourself a realistic goal, for example 3 days without PMO. Three days doesn't seem so daunting, does it? When you finish day three set yourself an even easier goal easier goal. Tell yourself you're going to add one more day. When you've completed four days, add one more day. I've been doing this now for 86 days and tonight I will tell myself I'm going to do one more day!

When I started, the idea of quitting porn forever was just too overwhelming. It seemed, and even now, seems impossible. But one more day is manageable.

Out of sight, out of mind is good, but every time you think about porn and resist the urge to PMO means you've just strengthened the pathways in the frontal lobe of your brain. Sometimes a little resistance training is good for us. So, don't go into a 90 day fast thinking you're going to relapse, simply go into a one day fast with the knowledge that you can do this easily!

Porn, drugs and computer gaming can make us more apathetic. However, don't beat yourself up if you don't become the president of a company. We need to set ourselves challenges but not everyone is going to succeed big time. The key to happiness, in my opinion, is to set yourself realistic goals. The other thing to understand is that we have no control over external events. So, even if you do want to be the richest, most successful businesswoman in the world, there are some things which you will never have control of. However, the only thing you do have sole control of is your mind, which is why you can beat this porn addiction!

Good luck! 

 

[Moon]

I think that you do not have to blame yourself too much for failures, because they will be still. Frustration and guilt on the contrary can push you to the old path. Give yourself the time and believe that you will succeed!