Hi, new to site, wasnt sure where to put this so i guess its a journal type entry. Well im approaching the big 30, been 4 years since i realized i had a problem. At the time I was quite miserable, but really didnt see it as something seperate that I didnt need, i realized it was a problem and could be solved.
But anyway i just had another relapse this morning, 2x thinking of my ex, 2x to a gymnast with a big ass on youtube. This is usually the part where I freak out, punch a wall, scream and go on a binge, because hey fuck it, might as well I already fucked it all up. So instead im trying to look at where I am, compared to where I started, hopefully keeping me from having a breakdown this time.
All through my teens/twenties I would pmo, often several times a day. Even when I was in relationships, I would find mself surfing the tubes. Not surprisingly this affected my performance in ed and was really emberrasing, the girls would always feel hurt as though i wasnt really into them. Hell the night I broke up with my last gf I PMO'd.
When I first decided to quite I relapsed all over the place, that itch, that impulse was still strong. I would get upset, cry and generally feel like shit. After several months I was able to go longer, a day, two days, then a week. My current longest run was roughly 3.5 months but that was awhile ago. It got worse when I went back to school but now for the past year, I've been able to go up to four weeks, and usually several months between watching actual porn. Most of my relapses now come from coworker fantasies or models on instagram. I used to get off to pretty crazy stuff, could only get off to that. And while cravings for extreme stimuli pop up (usually when I fidn myself watching porn), they are not the norm for me now.
Im frustrated right now, I keep waiting to get "clean" till I try and date again, but it feels like that is never gonna happen, maybe i shouldnt wait for an ideal future, i dunno.
So what am I saying with this post? I guess I'm trying to see that whiel im still fighting this thing, that things have gotten better from where they were, which gives me hope that things can get better from where they are now. That I shouldnt give up, that my effort means something and will continue if I keep pushing.
But anyway i just had another relapse this morning, 2x thinking of my ex, 2x to a gymnast with a big ass on youtube. This is usually the part where I freak out, punch a wall, scream and go on a binge, because hey fuck it, might as well I already fucked it all up. So instead im trying to look at where I am, compared to where I started, hopefully keeping me from having a breakdown this time.
All through my teens/twenties I would pmo, often several times a day. Even when I was in relationships, I would find mself surfing the tubes. Not surprisingly this affected my performance in ed and was really emberrasing, the girls would always feel hurt as though i wasnt really into them. Hell the night I broke up with my last gf I PMO'd.
When I first decided to quite I relapsed all over the place, that itch, that impulse was still strong. I would get upset, cry and generally feel like shit. After several months I was able to go longer, a day, two days, then a week. My current longest run was roughly 3.5 months but that was awhile ago. It got worse when I went back to school but now for the past year, I've been able to go up to four weeks, and usually several months between watching actual porn. Most of my relapses now come from coworker fantasies or models on instagram. I used to get off to pretty crazy stuff, could only get off to that. And while cravings for extreme stimuli pop up (usually when I fidn myself watching porn), they are not the norm for me now.
Im frustrated right now, I keep waiting to get "clean" till I try and date again, but it feels like that is never gonna happen, maybe i shouldnt wait for an ideal future, i dunno.
So what am I saying with this post? I guess I'm trying to see that whiel im still fighting this thing, that things have gotten better from where they were, which gives me hope that things can get better from where they are now. That I shouldnt give up, that my effort means something and will continue if I keep pushing.