progress so far....

Khamos

Member
Hi, new to site, wasnt sure where to put this so i guess its a journal type entry. Well im approaching the big 30, been 4 years since i realized i had a problem. At the time I was quite miserable, but really didnt see it as something seperate that I didnt need, i realized it was a problem and could be solved.
But anyway i just had another relapse this morning, 2x thinking of my ex, 2x to a gymnast with a big ass on youtube. This is usually the part where I freak out, punch a wall, scream and go on a binge, because hey fuck it, might as well I already fucked it all up. So instead im trying to look at where I am, compared to where I started, hopefully keeping me from having a breakdown this time.
All through my teens/twenties I would pmo, often several times a day. Even when I was in relationships, I would find mself surfing the tubes. Not surprisingly this affected my performance in ed and was really emberrasing, the girls would always feel hurt as though i wasnt really into them. Hell the night I broke up with my last gf I PMO'd.
When I first decided to quite I relapsed all over the place, that itch, that impulse was still strong. I would get upset, cry and generally feel like shit. After several months I was able to go longer, a day, two days, then a week. My current longest run was roughly 3.5 months but that was awhile ago. It got worse when I went back to school but now for the past year, I've been able to go up to four weeks, and usually several months between watching actual porn. Most of my relapses now come from coworker fantasies or models on instagram. I used to get off to pretty crazy stuff, could only get off to that. And while cravings for extreme stimuli pop up (usually when I fidn myself watching porn), they are not the norm for me now.
Im frustrated right now, I keep waiting to get "clean" till I try and date again, but it feels like that is never gonna happen, maybe i shouldnt wait for an ideal future, i dunno.
So what am I saying with this post? I guess I'm trying to see that whiel im still fighting this thing, that things have gotten better from where they were, which gives me hope that things can get better from where they are now. That I shouldnt give up, that my effort means something and will continue if I keep pushing.
 

Khamos

Member
hi again, guess ill just use this site to vent some of my feelings,thoughts, especially negative ones as I want to get them out somewhere instead of dwelling on them. Havent been able to sleep much tonight, alot of it is my anger. Im angry at life, at existence. Not religious anymore so I guess I cant blame god, though I still do.
I dont want to be this, to be an addict, a porn adict especially, some sick perverted deviant, christ i would rather be a fucking drunk then this. I dont how im gonna get through life with the things I have seen, its overwhelming at times. Im pretty fucking weird even without the addiction, i have very hard time connecting with others, i have never felt like i belonged anywhere, my sister once refered to me as an alien from another world. that thought filled me with despair, to live my life always being an outsider, always in my head. My dad is the same way, im pretty sure its something neurological.
Im definitly hyper introverted, likely narcissistic, dont really know how to fix that either.
Im angry about my physical issues as well. I have an obsessive mind and i've always fixated on exercise and strength training but i am unable to any heavy deadlifting or squatting, i cant even do leg presses or lunges. not sure spec why but i get alot of pain in my hips/knees/back and despite studying anatomy i am no closer to figuring out what is going on. my sister thinks its just in my head and im fine, which really hurts.
i realize things arent so bad for me as many others,i tell myself that often, but still the anger is there.
 

Khamos

Member
Well ,shit im fucking depressed. I know I shouldnt be but I am, weird huh. Thurs night we went out, had a good time, did a drinking route and ended the night at a tiki bar. Saw this girl, said to my sis i liekd her, so my sis decided to be my wingman and talked to her and her friends about me. Then she came back and said I should talk to her. I didnt. Dont know why, guess i was scared she was in a group or i didnt know what to say. It just got akwrd and i was really pissed. At my sis, at my self.
I always do this, always choose to be alone, to be isolated. They say hell is other people, no, hell is just yourself, locked in your own little introspective self all the time. I hate it.
I wonder if its even worth it to get clean, im still a weird/akward fuck who never really fits in anywhere, never can connect deeply with another. 4 years of trying to ge clean and still not there. Am I just not tryign hard enough? Thats what they always say, a handfull of guys rebbot and look back on you, wondering why you havent gotten there yet. Yeah I ask myself that all the time, and I hate feeling like i have to start over from the beginning every single time I relapse. I hate feeling like im not trying hard enough, feeling like I have to be alone all the time. I keep telling myself I will date when I get clean, that haasnt happened, not for more than three months. Im ready to give up sometimes.
I could bitch more, but im just tired at the moment. I'll feel better tomorrow, get up and start swinging again. Finding some positives in life, something worth fightning for.
 

Khamos

Member
ah well, here I am again. dont frequnt this too regularly just because ive got a million things to do plus i hate being reminded of this. What am i going to write here i wonder, something motivational? no im all out of optimism and motivation, used it up long ago. all thats left is some anger and sadness, you know what the fuck am i even writing? I sound like a fucking wacko, hell mabe I am, iv'e done some crazy shit, seen some fucked up things.
I've been creppily obsessed with three girls in my life. One an actress when I was 17, a girl in my class when i was 22, then at 26 a coworker. the attraction/bosession isnt even logical or anything i desire, it just kinda happens.
Which is weird because my ex was incredibly attractive. so many times when i fap its thinking about her, i almost did it today, she just suddenly popped into my head. SHe was literally everything i wanted in a woman, and yet i eneded up casting her aside, guess it just goes to show how far gone i was at that point, at times I  would not even feel anything when i was inside her, othertimes i would have to think of other women in scenarios to get up, christ its humiliating.
I feel like im always fucking repeating myself, feel like ive tread this path efore, like im walking around the same block over and over till the grave. is this how the rest of my life is going to be? loneliness, addiction, sickness? what the fuck man.
I just wish those assholes who told me life was supposed to be grand, to follow your passion, your heart, i just wish they hadnt fucking lied.
 

Khamos

Member
so whats on the menu for tonight? well same old shit, hating life, hating being an addict and a hating everything else. good god im a negative motherfucker, i figure i shouldnt burden my family anymore, they have their own struggles. Fro mnow on I am gonna try and only show them a positive face because fuck my feelings, fuck my pain, fuck my struggles. I dont want to be a drain anymore. I dont want people to be sad and trying to fix my problems, make me happy, when that is something that i dont think is possible.
I feel on some deep level that I am screwed up, that I am not right. Looking back at my life when I was younger I was always in my own world, always locked away inside. And then later as I became more turned on by sick shit in my teens i was still optimistic, still fixated upon spirituality. The I began to see how messed up I was, how none of my prayers had been answered, how I felt so alone and weird. I was always an angry person, full of bitterness and rage. Perhaps from growing up with my dad in our unhappy family. Funny how money doesnt make you happy, at least it didnt for us. My sister pointed out once how me and my dad, despite our strong focus upon the spiritual, were both angry and miserable. SO what does that mean? that it was all bullshit? I certainly havent had my prayers answered. A few years ago I had a nerous breakdown fro mthe horror of everything I had seen, i was work at the time. I was already shaky from the previous night and a thought occoures that what if there was no god and all this happened for no reason, what if i was just crazy. I almost started screaming right there. I went into the bathroom and cried several times during the day, pretending I was sick. I prayed to god to help me and no one answered. I eventually calmed down after a week. Im angry, im fucking angry, im fucking bitter. Some addicts talk about how this is a journey that makes you better. All this has done is make me bitter and hopeless. If god exists he must not care much for me. BUt hey im not the only one sufering,struggling in this world. Thats why i'll keep my darkness here, no one else deserves to be hurt by this but me.
 

Khamos

Member
Ttigger Warning




I'm honestly not sure where to post this or even if I should, i just wanted to put this down somewhere.









I woke up yesterday having had somewhat of a wet dream, or rather a memory of having anal sex with my ex. We did it alot after the first few months together. I have a butt fetish and was always sexualizing her rear and objectifiying it. She found it weird and it was definetly one of the catalysts to our breakup, she even asked if I was gay. Im torn in that I feel guilty about doing it so much with her, but the first time it seemed if she initiated, I even asked her if she could and she said yes. Though afterward  she lit up a massive joint. When we first did it I didnt use lube, didnt really know what I was doing, and it would hurt her sometimes, though I would stop i still felt bad about causing her pain in the first place. Eventually though as I figured out out what to do, she seemed to enjoy it, when she orgasmed she scream sometimes. SHe told me it was like the orgasm went through her whole body. Its a pretty awesome feeling to make your partner orgasm that hard. But one time when we first met she mentioned she did not liek things in he butt, though i even asked her again later on if she didn't want to do it but she was okay with it.
Why am I writing this especially? maybe because I think so much about her, she was theo nly person I ever really felt love towards, so I guess im torn between feeling guilty about whatI did. I dunno.
 
C

CrazyFrog357

Guest
Hey man,

from everything you've been writing it sounds like you're really, really hard on yourself. Almost like you actually hate yourself.
Not helpful, not healthy. I used to be more like that, until I realised what I was doing to myself.
It also sounds like you have some pretty bad depression... Ever considered therapy?
 

Khamos

Member
I do really hate myself, i guess its part of being self absorbed/narcissistic. I am extremely introverted, and live in my head alot which doesnt help with this feeling of loneliness I always have. I hate myself for a number of reasons, partly because im an addict,  feel wrong/defective and diseased. Frustrated by having tried for 4 yearsn ow and not seen any longterm success, would I even know what it felt like im not sure.
Partly because I am so damn introverted and eccentric, I have a very hard time connecting with people and I have never really felt like I belonged anywhere or really had any friends, and have never felt like I had any purpose or passion.
I'm not always liek this, not outwardly, i usually present myself as chill and goofy to my coworkers. I put so much negativity down here because when it comes up I dont want to burden my family with it, they have their own struggles and dont need to be upset by mine.
I do have pretty bad depression, it has gotten worse theo lder i have become, partly out of frustration and hopelessness, I have tried a therapist a few years ago, one who specialized in sex dysfunctions, she was less than helpful.
 
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CrazyFrog357

Guest
Khamos said:
I put so much negativity down here because when it comes up I dont want to burden my family with it, they have their own struggles and dont need to be upset by mine.

Damn I know exactly what that's like. Went through several therapists until I found one I clicked with. Unfortunately he ended up "firing" me because I just didn't show up too frequently. Not on purpose - I just forgot about it because I didn't have any kind of ordered lifestyle.
But all the time I was going there, I didn't tell my family or friends anything about it. I always felt like it was my own burden to bear, didn't want to bother anybody with it.

About the self-hate - there's no point in it. All it does is drag you down. You desperately need to learn to forgive yourself for your own mistakes. I know exactly what it's like - I'm extremely bad at dealing with failure, so whenever I do fail, it pulls me down for weeks or even months.
I really think you should try finding another therapist. Or even go through a few if you find they don't work out for you. Don't give up. You current outlook may be bleak, but who knows? Things might be looking a lot better in a year's time. It's all up to you. Don't make your happiness depend on whether or not you manage to shake off this addiction.
 

Khamos

Member
Well im right now 3 weeks in. I have mo'd 5 times, which is more than I wanted to do but I am going through a pretty stressful time at my job and I have been having a bad bout of depression/anxiety. I have been able to stay away from pron aside from some fantasies popping up intermittently which is annoying. Honestly afte the first two months of realziing i had ap roblem, i was able to stay away from porn pretty easily. I havent watched any actual porn since early april when i went on a binge. Whats always been the struggle is non-erotic 'porn" so to speak. FB/IG, youtube, even fantasies of coworkers/friends. THats been the hurdle I have yet to jump for years. Im also pretty fragile emotionally, at least i nregards to this. My biggest issues arent relapsing, but the complete breakdown I often have after ward which sometimes sends me on a binge or has me looking up porn.
I kinda wonder if I should get a girlfriend, if that will help me getting completly clean. I keep saying i'll date when I am ready but I have been waiting to be "ready" for 4 years.
 

Zaphenath

Member
In your case it might be helpful to stay offline for a while. Totally offline. Maybe work a little on your self-esteem. A lot of guys here benefited from weight training for example. But it could be anything that will give you a boost of endorphins and the feeling that you're good at something.

Anyway keeping a journal is very commendable and it's great that you're here with us. It's a big step forward and we're in this fight together.

Best of luck!
 

Khamos

Member
Yeah I do need to get out more and get back into weight training. WHen I was lifting regularly I was doing alot better mentally.
 

Khamos

Member
THis is  bit of a rant, just wanted to get some anger off my chest.

WHere to start, its not that I am against a behavioural appraoch, indeed I am actively applying it. But I had psoted something a while ago suggesting other appraoches to treating addiction and the respones were rather hostile towards that idea, sayign that a behavioural approach in and of itself is the best/only way though mention that it is "by no means easy."

All I am wondering is, are you people even seeing the same thing I am?

Long term, how many of us stay clean for a year or more? Maybe a quarter being optimistic? Year after year we struggle, settign the counter back again and again and yet we tell ourselves, this works if only we work it harder.
In what other condition would we keep using soemthing that has a low success rate and insist its all we need, the patient just needs to try harder?
12 step is the best example, in the majority view its seen as the best and only way to get clean but from what I have seen their long term success rate is in the single digits. Thats is absurd that we hold it on such a pedastle.

So am i sayign we shouldnt practice behavioural appraoches(i.e. not watching porn)? No of course not, i dont want to watch porn, i dont want to have these impulses/compulsions.
You know what nevermind.

p.s. some who read this may have a strong feeling about my niew, i am not trying to piss anybody off simply getting things off my chest.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
This community is open to new ideas :) And journals are a perfect place for those.

I must say that for now the simply "staying away" works for me and I feel it will in the future. Of course time shall tell.

What would you suggest?
 

Khamos

Member
I would love for it to work for me. And it has in most ways.
But those impulses come up, come to the surface and drag you along like a current until your drowning.
Several years ago I had one of those impulses. It had started at work, was looking at online blurbs for porn videos, i knew what was happening, i fought it as hard as i could, bought some ice cream, called up my dad, cryi ng, telling him how lost i was, put on a movie, but then the stream lagged out and it set me off.
 

Khamos

Member
Fuck I think I relapsed. Im kinda hungover which is a huge risk factor for me. Saw a woman yesterday, had purple hair, big boobs, just really amazing looking. DIdnt think much about her till this morning. THe fantasies came up, what she must smell like, feel like, the sound of her voice in pleasure. Was going back and forth about it since 8:00. Started fapping thinking of her, then decided to finish but clear my mind so i wasnt having any mental stimulation.
Still I felt bad about it, was ready say fuck it and give up.  BUt im thinking, even if it is a relapse its not catastrophic, I didnt fantasize about some of the more extreme things i used to. Its been four months now since I watched porn, thats the longest i have ever gone. That has to mean something right?

Maybe I just need to get a girlfriend now, maybe that will get me completly away from fapping. I dont think I will be any more ready, i dont think i can wait for a "perfect time" anymore. its been years since i have dated anyone and im sick of being alone and cordoning myself off until im "fixed". I am scared tohugh, I have had bad experiences with ED, especially with the last girl i hooked up with i couldnt even get it up. Though I was really stressed and had started watching porn again at that time.

what am I trying to say here? I dunno I m just tryign to give myself a boost, trying to be positive and get myself out of this cycle of loneliness and depression. I wantto connect with someone again.
 

Khamos

Member
Been a bit since I've been on. Usually dont post lest i have something to get off my chest. So far been roughly three weeks no pmo(fantasies,images), and one week no mo at all. Im going through some bouts of depression/loneliness, usually comes up when I dont MO for awhile, but sometimes not. I've stopped trying to figure out the pattern to it because there does not seem to be one.
I have laregly avoided watching porn since I realized I had a problem, even written erotica I have been able to avoid for several years, with an occasional relapse every few months. So far its august and I havent watched any porn since early april. Still what gets me over and over are social media images or coworker/exgf fantasies or occaisnally youtube. Its easy to stay away from porn, but when so much of our lives is connected to social media its hard to stay away from those triggers. There are two times in the last four years where I started watching pron again. One was when I was in school, because of the stress and lack of sleep I found myself watching heavily. Another time was when I lived with my sister for a few months and started drinking pretty heavily, the last two weeks there I had began watching a ton of porn, to the point where my mind was numb.
Been drinking alot more than I want to lately, its kinda freaking me out as both my folks were alchoholics so I try to never have alchohol in my apartment, but lately I've been going out alot and the people i know are all in service industry which pretty much involves drinking everyday. I diced to wuit my old job to try and do perdiem work, but things slowed down just as I left and now I'm really freaking out about it, i've also been by myself in my apartment alot, where I may have bed bugs or fleas so theres some more fucking stress to deal with, plus I've gained some weight from going out alot and while its not that big of a deal, im just really self conscious so its another stressor
I've been trying to get back into meditation groups in the area, i used to go more frequently, but always feel inner resistance due to my shyness and akwardness, i think that is why i so often simply avoid social interaction. I dont really get social cues very well, dont usually make eye contact with someone, and I'm often not sure what im supposed to do in a social setting. I also have a difficult time connecting with others, never really felt like I fit in anywhere or with any one gorup, and I often find myself stuck in my head alot. Sometimes I just wont even speak in a group, even when I want to. Its liek I just cant find anything to really say. I've never been formally diagnosed but I often wonder If i have some form of autsim. Someone at a party along time ago had said I was(her brother was diagnosed).
 
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