Re-Boot Camp Journal

Punk Monk

Active Member
Greetings folks!

So glad to have found you all. Apparently I was doing a reboot and didn't even know it. But stumbling across Reboot Nation answered a TON of questions.

Quick summary:

I'm 47 years old and didn't really get hooked on porn until recently. But it was enough to screw things up. My wife is an alcoholic. And as she got deeper into addiction, so did I.  She would get drunk and pass out early in the evening (or day on a weekend). So, I started going online to fulfill those "male urges".

As my wife spent more time in an alcoholic haze, I'd spend more time online.  Soon, I was visualizing porn even while we were getting intimate.  Eventually, I needed the visual stimuli just to get to the Point of No Return.  And it seemed to take longer and longer to get there.  I also began to look forward to her passing out because that meant I could spend more time with my "digital playmates". And since I work from home, I was jacking it on a regular basis.

I decided to give up porn in February. Unfortunately that lead to erectile dysfunction. After one particularly difficult evening, my wife got drunk and said some incredibly hurtful things. So I went back to porn because at least I could "fake it to make it".

In May, my wife chose to get sober. I thought, "Well, if she can give up her addiction, I can give up mine." I stopped on the 1st of June. However, this lead to another month of ED.

I started researching possible causes (medication, diet, age, etc...). But I'm not overweight, am pretty fit for my age and eat fairly healthy. Then I remembered what happened in Feb. I Googled "Internet Porn and Erectile Dysfunction" and found the Your Brain on Porn Site!

Holy [email protected] did that clear things up!

It explained everything I was going through while I was doing it (the anger, the resentment, the moodiness) and everything happening since I stopped (rebooting, flat lining, etc...).

I confessed all this to my wife last week and she was remarkably supportive and (as a recovering addict herself) very understanding.

In the time since I've quit I've only slipped twice (and none of it lead to fapping). But now that I know how it works, I'm more determined to stay "clean".

I'm noticing some changes already. The morning wood's coming back as are the "spontaneous erections".  I still get the urge to get online, but they're getting less and less frequent.  And a couple of nights ago, while lying in bed next to the missus I put my hand on her rear and got the rock solid hard on! I considered waking her to do the "Marital Dance", but she was out like a light.

There will be plenty of time for that, I suppose...

Anyway, glad to be here!
 

unchained

Active Member
Congratulations on both your healing and your wife's healing as well.

Journaling and reading other journals are both tremendously helpful.  If you haven't already, the next time you go to the YBOP website check out all of the videos as well as Gary Wilson's radio podcasts.

Every time I listen to his podcasts I learn something new.
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Thanks for the welcome, folks. Reading the journals and visiting the YBOP site has already helped a lot.

Had a weird night yesterday. See, my specific addiction comes in the form of erotic pictures and videos of celebrities (models, actresses, etc...). Sometimes, it's even just soft core stuff like sexy lingerie. Well, for some strange reason, I had a craving (there's no other way to describe it) to see pictures of a particular model I'd fapped to in the past.  I guess it's like an alcoholic craving a specific wine or mixed drink.

But knowing what I do now, I sort of distanced myself from my brain and observed the process it went through. It was fascinating! Just the ways it tried to justify things: "I don't need to see the sexy stuff...I can just watch a video she was in. That's okay, right? Just a little peak?"

Again, using the above analogy, that'd be like an alcoholic saying "I'll just uncork this bottle of Cabernet and just sniff it. no harm in that, right?"

In the end, I was able to convince my Rebel Brain it wasn't worth it and to stand down.

I'm sure I'll eventually get to a point where this kind of a thing isn't a problem. But for now, as I go through the reboot, there's just too much of an association.

Reboot On!

41 days since reboot
18 days without incident

PM
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Pretty good weekend.  A couple of urges here and there, but nothing that didn't go away after a few minutes.

However, I do have a question for you folks around performance anxiety.

My wife and I haven't had sex in about three weeks. For us, that's a really REALLY long time. When I told her about the reboot she was very understanding and told me to take all the time I needed. But I sense she misses the way we were.

I think I'm alright enough to go for it. But I have a serious case of performance anxiety. I remember the last few times we tried and my soldier just wouldn't salute. My poor missus did what she could to help but to no avail. I don't want to put her through that again.

But at the same time, I feel the lack of sex is affecting our moods (or it could be my guilty conscience).

Any thoughts on overcoming the Fear of Failure to Launch while rebooting would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

42 days since reboot
19 days without incident

PM
 
A

AndyNJ

Guest
Hi, Punk Monk.  I just started a reboot and a journal here.  Like you I have a bit of fear about re-establishing normal sexual relations with my wife after the reboot.  Worried about whether I can perform.  I guess the way I'm approaching it is to not pay too much attention to the fear and just trust that if I follow the plan, nature will take her course.  And if nature needs a little help from Cialis, I will ad that to the mix!  The main thing for me to is stay on the reboot (no P, M or O) and then once my wife and I are back together (she is away for thirty days) the only O I have will be with her.

I should add that I'm also making sure I'm in better shape for sex, doing exercises specifically for that purpose:  http://www.livestrong.com/slideshow...an-should-improve-his-sex-life/#slide=1/[url]
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Hey AndyNJ,

Thanks for the reply. That seems to be what I'm hearing (or...reading) from the other posters. Basically, stick to the plan and let it happen naturally. So that's what I'll do.

Paraphrasing the Buddha..."When do you not know what to do, do nothing until you do."

Good for you for getting in better shape. Whether it's for sex or just for the overall lifestyle improvement, keeping fit is always a good thing.

PM
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
I'm noticing that sensitivity down south has really improved.  It's becoming a lot easier to get and stay hard (without visualization, I might add).

It's to a point now where, to quote Eddie Murphy in the great 48 Hours "My dick gets hard every time the wind blows!"

Still a little nervous to engage with the wife for fear of Failure To Launch, though. But I guess nature will take its course soon enough.

Strangely, I continue to have the occasional temporary urge to view pictures of specific "fitness models" (it seems like a different one every day).  But it dies down fairly quickly.

So far the desire to get permanently cured has greatly outweighed the desire for a temporary fix.

PM
 

KennyPrester

Active Member
Punk Monk--glad you are here!

Kudos to AndyNJ for recommending Kegels--I do a lot more than the link suggests, and they really work. If women do Kegels, they become multi-orgasmic and very responsive to G-spot stimulation.

If you still have performance anxiety, you might consider discussing this with your wife and setting aside some time to enjoy every form of sexual intimacy that the two of you enjoy EXCEPT intercourse, which is then strictly off the menu. Of course, if you do that, you will probably end up having intercourse and VOILA! problem solved.

The reason I suggest considering this is, when I've had trouble regaining an erection, I just went ahead and made love anyway in some other fashion--you can use your imagination. And the erection returned. But when I just allowed myself to "be made love to", waiting for the erection to return--not so easy.

But most of all--and I know you know this--make love to her day and night, sexually or nonsexually. Let her know and feel that she is your treasure.
 
A

AndyNJ

Guest
Good advice, KennyPrester.  As they say, a watched pot never boils.
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Leon,

Great insight. Obsessive urges are just symptomatic of something deeper. So I need to find out what that is. 

Honestly, I think I'm just horny. It's been awhile  since I've gotten it on. And my wife is working through her own stuff right now, so porn seems like a good avenue for self gratification. These, I suspect, are just old behavior patterns emerging and slowly dying away.

Thanks, man! I probably wouldn't have figured that out had it not been for your post.


KennyPrester,

The "no intercourse" sex is a great idea! I've actually run that past my wife and she's game. I also love the last line in your post. You are absolutely correct. I try to do "make love to her" in many ways throughout the day. I find myself being more "handsy" with her (and she loves that) now that I'm clean. And that definitely gets the "little monk's" attention!
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Man! Woke up with some "Viagra" quality Morning Wood today! Wasn't sure if I should stay in bed and hide or tie a flag around it! (I chose to do neither).

Forgot how good the natural male response feels...or how off center the porn addiction made it.

My missus also got a visit from her monthly friend today. Usually, this means we can't have sex for a few days (we call this "Closing the store"). We started discussing how we haven't had a chance to be intimate lately because we've both been working through our issues.

So I brought up Kenny Prester's suggestion about getting intimate without intercourse.

She liked the idea, so I have the green light to try that when appropriate.

Funny thing...all we were doing was talking about it...the touching, the gentle stroking of the skin, the kissing...and I started getting aroused!

So this is what normal feels like.

Feels good!

 
A

AndyNJ

Guest
That's great, Punkmonk. Your posting makes me wish my wife was around.  She's away, but we'll be reunited next month, then watch out!

I imagine we'll also start with sex without intercourse.  Intercourse is sometimes painful for her because of menopause, but that actually isn't a terrible thing.  It causes us to slow down as we overcome it, and my old PMO addiction won't be getting in the way. 
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Weird day.

We had a Neighbor Lady who lived across the street who moved recently. But in a very superficial way, she reminded me of a favorite digital playmate. She had the three B's; (blonde, bronzed and busty).  And I confess, on occasion, I've spanked it to her image.

Now I'd never even think about making a play in real life because 1) I love my wife and would never cheat on her 2) Neighbor Woman and her boyfriend are friends of ours and 3) Neighbor Woman's boyfriend is much bigger than I am!

Well...I saw Neighbor Woman today. And on one hand, I was really tempted to engage in some visual self gratification. After all, that's not porn, right? I'm not surfing the web or anything. 

And yet, on the other hand, I noticed she really wasn't all that attractive. Other than a slight resemblance to a favorite masturbation subject, she really didn't do it for me.

But it was amazing to observe the struggle play out in my psyche. The justification chain is just incredible.

In the end, I held tough. So I won't have to reset my counter.
 
A

AndyNJ

Guest
Great going, Punkmonk.  I love the term "justification chain." I know just what you mean!  That little devil voice...
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Thanks, Andy.

I think I borrowed "justification chain" from my wife's AA sponsor.  Sure seems to fit our situation though, doesn't it?

 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Can 25 seconds undo 25 days?

I had a quasi slip last night.  I was up late and the Missus had gone to bad.  My mind was still burning from seeing Neighbor Woman a few nights ago as she reminded me of a certain celeb I used to get off to.

So I Googled images of said celeb. Nothing racy...no soft core porn. I just put her name in and hit "images".  There were, of course, some sexy images...but she was  fully clothed all of them.

Curiously, it gave me a mild headache. As if my brain were trying to push through some of the rewiring and undo it  I shut the browser down in less than a minute and went to bed.

The dopamine rush was severe.

This morning, I put my hand on my sleeping wife's booty and the Little Monk woke up! So it doesn't have effected me too much.

Still...scary how powerful the urge can be.

 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Temptation city! The wife's Victoria's Secret catalog arrived today. At one time that was appropriate source material.

Well, I'm happy to report I did not even crack it open. And my wife chucked in the trash (she doesn't really like their clothes).

Funny thing is I didn't even really have urge to look at it. But that's because I'm still in the flatline/horny cycle.  There are days that nothing gets me aroused. And then there are days where the Little Monk is always at attention. Seems to happen every other day.

I assume this is normal.
 

KennyPrester

Active Member
Punkmonk congrats on chucking that catalogue in the trash where it belongs! And it's so good to have a wife who is cooperating and helpful as yours is.

33 days--going strong!
 

Punk Monk

Active Member
Been in a flatline cycle for the last few days. Saw the missus topless last night and...nothing.

So all day, I've been wanting to "correct" that through the magic of visual stimulation. Funny thing...there's one specific image of one specific actress I'm really jonesing to see.

I don't think an alcoholic craves a specific drink. Typically, they're happy if they can get the stuff in any form. Hell, I knew one alcoholic who stooped to drinking Listerine when the liquor stores were closed.

So why are my urges so targeted?  Really bizarre how that works.

Anyway, so far I'm holding strong...
 
Top