To Hell and Back - A Sex Addict's Tale of Betrayal, Redeption, and Recovery

Mask842.0

Member
Backstory - Hello. I am a newly, self-diagnosed sex addict. My introduction to this nightmare started when I was around 14 years old (and possibly younger, but that's my starting point for the more hardcore stuff). It started off innocent enough with friends bringing a dirty magazine to school or finding a parent's video stash. Then the Internet made its arrival into my life, and things unknowingly started getting worse. First it was chat rooms, getting thrills from chatting to those I thought were genuine, not considering anyone being a predator since I'd never heard of such a thing then. After that, it progressed to porn picture sites, and then, ultimately, video sites. I remember the thrill and excitement of seeing my first video ever - seeing the pictures finally come to life. At the time I still hadn't really discovered masturbation, so I hadn't related the two at the time, but that came about shortly afterwards. Thus began a steady diet of online porn viewing, and more frequent PMO. I had also met my girlfriend at this time, not realizing the torment that I was about to put her through. Flash forward to my twenties, and I am still watching porn in college. I am now engaged to my girlfriend, and still feeling the urges to watch porn when she is not around. Our sex life is pretty regular like any one else's I imagine, but I have already experienced some light ED issues, chalking it up to fatigue or diet, anything but porn. She has caught me with it a couple times, and even picture swapping with strangers from chat rooms. She had threatened to leave, but I convinced her I would change and got her to stay. Next, we are married and shortly after, have our first child. I should be stopping the porn viewing but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's becoming pretty regular now and routine - I'll wait until my wife goes to sleep and then, saying it was out of boredom as I stayed up late, would start viewing porn. The interest in my wife I feel is ebbing away at times, until she calls me out on it and I confess. Again, she threatens to leave with my child. This manages to scare me off the porn for a while, hoping I have turned a corner in my habit. Soon enough, though, the old habits return and I am back in front of the computer screen, doing what I know I shouldn't be doing. Not only am I doing this, but now I start fantasizing about other women, too, thinking that I have some sort of machismo aura that would attract any woman. This leads to inappropriate flirting with my wife's friends, as well as very inappropriate chat conversations with co-workers at work. I have only recently discovered that I indeed have a sex addiction problem, stemming from porn, and am working to make the necessary improvements to keep my family together. My wife has all but given up hope on me, and we are currently living together, but as separated people. Her level of trust is next to nothing, and rightfully so. She has told me that even if I do get better, there is no 100% certainty that we would be together again. She just wants me to be a better human being for myself and our children. My goal right now is to break this vicious cycle once and for all. I am going to meetings and checking out information on YBOP and YBR and feel that it speaks to me, so it looks hopeful. I've been a few days clean so far, and want to see if I can reach a simple goal of 30 days to start, then go from there. I am still trying to figure out what my triggers are, besides just being by myself. My ultimate goal is to win my wife back, both in her trust and her love. Here's to the first step of what I know is a long, tough road. 
 

Mask842.0

Member
Day 1 Complete - It always feels good to get through a day successfully without being seduced into my common behaviors and antics. It gives me a sense of pride and hope that I can do this. But I am cautious. I've attempted this before on my own, and still managed to fail.  I have to go into this thinking that I can slip up at any time, and if I do, then I am finished. My moods are a constant swing - one moment feeling good, then feeling depressed, mainly because of the status of my marriage. There are things going on right now that I am not happy about, but I cannot control. All I can pray for is that we make it through this in the end, and that our love for each other will satisfy each other. I may have discovered a possible trigger to some of my ED issues. I seem to get aroused to computer pictures of girls. I noticed this when I looked at a picture of my wife. I was feeling the urges that I normally felt when watching porn; yet the whole day not on the computer I had been in what felt like a flatline state. I'm sure this is part of the way my reward center in my brain is currently programmed from all my porn viewings, to be attracted to pixels instead of human flesh. I have started focusing more on working out to keep my mind clear, starting a 4-week full body workout. I am also starting to look into meditation as well. I have never done meditation, or yoga, or anything of that sort, but at this point I am open to anything. If anyone has any good recommendations for a beginner, please let me know. Just need to breathe, and take it one day at a time.
 

Philgood63

Active Member
Hi man, and good luck in your journey. You definitly took the right decision. For meditation I'm not an expert but I found this link which is helpful to my opinion :

http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/mindfulness_in_plain_english_3.php
 

Bagpuss

Member
Hey dog, this all sounds too familiar. Good work with the progress. The target seems achievable and you have the right intentions for yourself, marriage and child. Keep strong and keep us posted.

Peace.
 

Mask842.0

Member
Hey all. Thank you for the support. Unfortunately, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse as far as my marriage goes. I have a real nasty habit of lying to my wife constantly, usually involving the porn from the past, as well as issues with inappropriate conversations with friends and co-workers. Recently, during our separation, my wife and I thought we should consider talking to other people, since we were not sure if we would be able to make it. After a couple weeks, I realized I only wanted my wife, and told her I would commit to getting better for our family. Not even 24 hours later, I started talking to one of the women from the online site. My wife and found out about our texts and questioned me on it, fully knowing the truth ahead of time. I panicked and lied about it, saying we had not been in communication with each other. So now my marriage is utterly destroyed. My wife says she can never trust me in anything I say or do, and is all but out the door. She hasn't filed any papers yet, so I have to take that as the faintest of faint lights in the darkest of dark abysses. I had never realized it before, but my habits with hiding porn from my wife has pretty much turned me into a habitual liar to her. I am too devastated right now at losing my family that I could not be bothered to look at porn or anything that would break my reboot so far, but this also is a terrible blow in my recovery process. She says she will no longer help me and even if I do get better, she is not guaranteed to stay. I am just crushed and am not sure how to carry on. I'm not suicidal, but I feel without my family together, I am not alive. So please, to all the people out there with issues, or feel like they may be starting an addiction, please seek help as fast as you can. Do not hide stuff from your partner, and do not let your addiction carry over for years. No having their support will only leave you feeling desperate and alone.
 

Mask842.0

Member
Just reached out to a therapist to help me get my shit in order. Also attending an SAA meeting this Friday, my second one. The first one was very eye opening at how many people have sex problems. Some actually made mine seem tame, but I'm not fooling myself. Thinking your problem is insignificant is the first step towards failure. Hopefully these next few days will give me some more tools to use and hope that the future will be bright.
 

renovatio

Member
Hey man. I am new here as well and on a very similar journey. I just started going to SAA and am going to my third meeting tonight. I dont really care for them b/c its face to face and this disorder is all about keeping to yourself. My wife and I are on very rocky ground, as she has caught my lies over and over. I have put her though a lot. Thankfully we dont have any kids yet, I have been too scared to have them knowing I was too screwed up. I didnt even want to get married but you know how that goes. I am 10 days sober and am thankful for that. As they say in the program...take it a day at a time! We will get there and if you believe in a higher power, know we cannot control our wives. She is on her own journey. I am working on building trust though my actions, my words dont mean shit anymore. I hope that changes.
 

Mask842.0

Member
Thanks Renovatio. It helps to know I am not experiencing this sort of problem alone. Yeah, we have two kids and it hurts to acknowledge the idea of not being able to see them every day. The other day, my wife texted me a proposed split custody schedule, and I felt physically ill. Our relationship just seems to keep deteriorating no matter what I do to save it. My words also do mean anything, and I am doing what I can to show her that I am changing. She seems to be uncomfortable with the idea that I am trying to do this for US, instead of for MYSELF. She is so far gone from the relationship, she really doesn't even want me looking at her. But I have to believe that I can get her to love the new me that I will become. I have an SAA meeting tonight to go to - my second one. Unfortunately, I can only attend one per week, so I have to drag out my visits far longer than I would like to. But it's not just the meetings I have to do. I need to get my head on straight and make sure I can stop with the lies, and stop with the inappropriateness I put out there with her friends and co-workers and just about anyone in my life. Luckily, throughout all this, I have been too sad to even bother to look at porn. Silver lining I guess. It's nice to see my ticker increasing as each day goes on and it be true. One day at a time....just keep going one day at a time.
 

Mask842.0

Member
So 9 days PMO free so far. I feel pretty good about this, but know that hard part is around the corner. In the past when I tried to stop by myself, I would make it about a week or so before reverting to my old habits. Hopefully, now that I have more tools at my disposal, and the fact that I KNOW I have a problem, it will help me refocus and stay straight. Already I can feel some urges tugging inside me. I've been flatline for a few months or so, and this morning I finally experienced morning wood for the first time in a LONG time. It gave me a sense of relief, oddly enough considering we shouldn't be experiencing much relief when it comes to our manhood at this point in time haha, that I may be getting back to normal.

So I went to my second SAA meeting last night. It was a very good meeting, and I encourage anyone who hasn't gone to one yet to really look into it. You will find that you are indeed not alone in your addiction. On this particular meeting, the discussion was about serenity. It made me stop and think, What is my serenity? With all that has transpired in the past few weeks alone, I have no sense of calmness. All I feel is awkwardness, sadness, depression, anger, frustration, pretty much anything that is not calm, peaceful, or serene. I'm attempting to do meditation at times, and it's still a work in progress. But what is my serenity? I can honestly say I haven't had that word on my radar in years, between two kids, work, my wife and what is going on between us, especially now. Thinking about it a little bit, my immediate response is a night walk looking up at the moon and stars. Since I work nights right now, I get that opportunity more frequently on my breaks. It's just nice to stare up at the sky and know that it's calm up there - no betrayals between stars, the moon isn't judging me for my actions, past and present, and all the other crazy things that make up the universe are beyond my sight, just giving me a calmness that keeps me feeling sane. I hope I can find serenity in being with my family, preferably doing something like camping or just laying back with a movie and being together or whatever. But anyway, yeah, I encourage you all as you go through these days of sobriety to think about what your serenity is, and what keeps you grounded so you don't feel the urge to act out again. Until next time, just keep breathing.
 
A

afb7

Guest
Hi Mask. I just read through your journal. It sounds like SAA And reaching out to others outside the family is maybe the only option, but is also working for you? It's not possible where I live to attend SAA, so I only get support from this site, but I find posts like yours about serenity helpful. So even though I can't attend SAA, I'm glad guys like you are on here.

What's my serenity? I'm not sure I've ever thought about that. I can't say I feel serene very often. Not even sure when the last time was that wasn't chemically induced. But I'm going to think about that for the next day or two.

Thanks for the nugget!
 

Mask842.0

Member
Glad to be of help Afb7. That's what this site is for, right? To help those like us in need if there are little to no other options available. We just need to be willing to reach out to each other when we feel that we are in a crisis situation.

As far as I go, things are staying on track. I sometimes question my true abilities for not being able to quit before. But then I get a feeling every now and then that reminds me of why I am fighting this fight. The SAA book says that our first step is admitting we have a problem that we cannot control. It also says that we don't fully realize our plight until the lives we want to live are about to fall apart (meaning relationships/marriages, etc.). I feel this is so true for me, as I really didn't know what was wrong with me, or didn't appreciate the gravity of the situation, until it became almost too late. Now I've got the fight of my life that is keeping me from reverting back to my old habits. I still believe the worst is yet to come, but I welcome it now, as it reminds me that I am on the road to recovery and becoming a better human being for my family.

I do have one question for anyone that may be able to answer - is it okay to masturbate if not driven by fantasy or porn? I've been feeling flatline for the past few months since I started trying to quit porn on my own, with a combination of PIED. Since cutting porn and anything that could trigger me to act out from my life as much as possible, I have been feeling more healthy below the belt. I know the best way to recovery is through no sexual acts at all, and have felt pretty celibate lately. The SAA book says that they advocate abstinence not from sex itself, but from acting out. This makes me think that we would be allowed to masturbate if we felt we needed to as long as it doesn't require us to revert back to our old ways. I was just wondering what everyone's take is on this. Last thing I ever want to promote on here is to do something that would cause someone more pain in their lives. Oh well, now I get to deal with my A/C unit that just died, and the HVAC tech said that I should get whole new system installed. This should test my ability to stay sober for sure, as that is a whole level of stress I do not want or need. *Sigh* Must be strong.
 

Mask842.0

Member
Day 16 - man has it really been two weeks already? Well I think it's actually been longer, but I'll go off this tracker so that it gives me extra incentive to continue pushing myself further along. It's been a while since I've last posted on here, but not much has changed. I've been feeling down lately, and borderline annoyed with everyone. I don't feel like talking much, and the times that I do, I feel like I'm being forced into the conversation. I am hoping this is all just part of the behavioral side effects of rebooting. It just sucks because, at the same time, I don't think I've felt more alone. I don't really have a good support team at home, mainly having to do this by myself. None of my local friends have any experience with what I am going through, so they can't really provide the best advice. I need to establish a connection with someone at my support group so I will have a sponsor to work with. The urges the past couple of days have been somewhat stronger than before, as I expected them to be. Still managing to stay on the straight and narrow, mainly because I've been feeling too depressed to be horny. My wife says I need to get involved in a project of some sort, but then complains about money woes if I try to do something. Meanwhile, she's out on the town on Friday nights meeting people and doing whatnot (Yes, I'm somewhat bitter about this, but whatever). Sorry guys, just needed to vent out some frustration today.
 

ulaozin

Active Member
Hey Mask,

Just want to say I started reading your journal. It's very good that you are seeing a therapist and going to SAA meetings. You have a very difficult situation but also a meaningful goal. Keep strong!

  I do have one question for anyone that may be able to answer - is it okay to masturbate if not driven by fantasy or porn?

It slow downs our recovery. Not only that, it can trigger your urge to porn. It happened to me. I just regressed from 34 days without P and it started with mo. But It's up to you if you want to consider mo a relapse or not, even if it is driven by fantasy. Most of us cannot masturbate without p, and some of us who can do it, can't do it without porn fantasy. Actually, if you can have a full erection only with touch without any fantasy or porn, it is a sign of recovery.

For myself, I don't count masturbation as a normal relapse, even with it is driven by fantasy, because I understand that the fuel for my addiction and fantasies is porn or porn substitutes (pictures, movies, advertisement, intentionally fantasising with woman at the street, or at gym, etc). As long as I keep away from porn and those intentional behaviours related to that, gradually my fantasies start to subdue. It was happening during my reboot attempt, and the very first minute I watched porn again, the fantasies renewed their strength. But, I keep track of my mo and I want to reduce them to the minimum. My rule to myself is. I don't want to mo, but if I do instead of being angry I try to understand what triggered it, and I keep track of it, I want to reduce it to close to zero.

My suggestion for you whenever you feel like you are fantasising with someone at work, before acting out just count down from a high number in your head, or tip your tongue, get out of the room, do something with your body that takes you away from your obsessive thinking. Usually those cravings goes away or at least goes down in a few minutes. 

  I am still trying to figure out what my triggers are, besides just being by myself.

If you are not aware of your triggers try this link about HALT technique: http://www.cheercounseling.com/news/halt-recovery/

It's a tip from Jkkk. I read it in crazygopher's journal. I suggest you start reading his journal too. It helped me a lot. Those 4 things are brutal, if I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired - boom, my cravings goes high. And usually relapses happens with a combination of 3 of those things. Also, the hour of the day that I used to have my fix is a strong trigger. And I recently discovered that alcohol can be a trigger for me too.

 

Mask842.0

Member
Hey Ulaozin, thank you for the great advice. I can relate to that article and see that I would usually get set off by loneliness. I usually chalked it up to boredom, but I think it was just because I felt lonely that I turned to porn. In hindsight, it's ironic, as my loneliness led to my wife's loneliness, that lead to our separation. If only we could travel back in time huh?

I haven't been updating much as of late as I am trying to change a lot of my lifestyle habits. One of those was being online all the time. We can't help it, I guess, given that the Internet is everywhere around us. So I am cutting back on my online time a little bit at a time. I can say that in doing so, I feel that I am being a better person around company, a better father for my kids, and even a better friend towards my wife. Things between us are still awkward at times, but are trending towards getting better. We seem to have normal conversations with each other, and I don't get the strong sense of resentment and anger that she once had. Still too soon to try and reconcile our relationship, that's for sure, as I have many things to work on and a long way to go to get all of them taken care of.

So 21 days sober without any porn viewing. Just keep chugging along. I can honestly say that I feel much better when actually devoting time and energy to make sure I don't relapse. I've done this before, but I think I had cheated my way then, as I was still seeking pictures of attractive girls or anything that could insinuate sex without being hardcore porn. Now that I am cutting out everything, I fully recognize the struggle that guys go through in their recoveries. I have had a few days where I just get the urge inside to check out something online thinking that it will satisfy the craving. But if there's one thing I've taken away from my weekly SAA meetings, it's that your first instinct is wrong, your second instinct is wrong, your third instinct is wrong, and your fourth instinct may be right. It's become my little mantra whenever I find myself in a situation where I think I could get away with a sneak peek at something. So far it's helped me get by. It's crazy how this detox can bring on such symptoms as mood swings, headaches, and such anxiety that I have difficulty breathing at times, which then gets me all emotional and I just end up breaking down in tears. I think I've cried more in these past few weeks alone than in the past 10 years or so. But now I'm seeking out new hobbies to distract me and keep me offline, so if you don't see any updates from me for a while, take it as a good sign. I'll be sure to come back and let everyone know how the progress is going. Stay thirsty, my friends...thirsty for life.
 

renovatio

Member
Good for you! keep it up. "Its a road filled with pot holes, we duck and weave our way though to find that smooth road we all want someday"
 
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