Rikkoman
Member
Kurall thanks for those words. You hit the nail on the head. "Medicating myself with PORN" That's exactly what this feels like. Just like a drug, PORN really takes you to another world 'trip', 'buzz' call it what you want but it literally sets you aside from reality.
I have been learning a lot about myself, abstaining from PORN. I would watch PORN to make the days go faster, if I was waiting for something coming up in a few months. But geesh,couldn't have I utilized all that wasted time on anything else? During my active addiction I actually believed I was just passing time. Sometimes, I'd watch PORN out of plain boredom. Other times to numb my anger, or resentment, or to just forget about a dispute I had at work or home life.
The worst of all was losing sleep. I would tell my coworkers that I had gone out the night before, or friends showed up unexpectedly and we stayed up all night. They just stopped asking, thinking I was a very social party monster, (er at least that's what I hoped for). It was the Brain Fog, I just started to Zombie out. I even think some of my coworkers suspected (or still suspect) that I was on drugs.
That was the turning point for me. I recognized my cognitive deficits, that really scared me. So here I am. Still I don't feel 100% clear minded. I mean I'm no Einstein, but I know when I used to participate in a debate, I did it well without emotion involved and would cite literature, to back up my arguments, I had the best lexicon. But let me tell you for the past couple of years I have been reduced to an angry little man, turning red at the face when I disagreed with colleagues at work. I even started to take Anger Management, and Emotional Intelligence courses. But it was my addiction to PORN all along, and it's side effect Brain Fog was taking it's toll on me.
So, here I am, 4 weeks in without PMO. Oh but the temptations are there. Not temptations really, but the triggers. Triggers are everywhere, recognizing them immediately and acting upon them is the most challenging part.
I've just found that what works best for me is just to get up and walk away. I also think about my age, and the time that I have wasted on PORN. I think about the Brian Fog that I would be in if I restarted PMOing. Then I ease into my everyday life and I've overcome the trigger. But triggers come at me 24/7, I just hope I can keep convincing myself that I can beat this.
I also think of all the positive things I have been doing these pass few weeks. I've gone back to reading and writing, engaging with friends, going out more, work has gotten easier, and most important my marriage has improved. So I think about losing these things when triggers come up, and I get up and walk away.
Onto week 5......
I have been learning a lot about myself, abstaining from PORN. I would watch PORN to make the days go faster, if I was waiting for something coming up in a few months. But geesh,couldn't have I utilized all that wasted time on anything else? During my active addiction I actually believed I was just passing time. Sometimes, I'd watch PORN out of plain boredom. Other times to numb my anger, or resentment, or to just forget about a dispute I had at work or home life.
The worst of all was losing sleep. I would tell my coworkers that I had gone out the night before, or friends showed up unexpectedly and we stayed up all night. They just stopped asking, thinking I was a very social party monster, (er at least that's what I hoped for). It was the Brain Fog, I just started to Zombie out. I even think some of my coworkers suspected (or still suspect) that I was on drugs.
That was the turning point for me. I recognized my cognitive deficits, that really scared me. So here I am. Still I don't feel 100% clear minded. I mean I'm no Einstein, but I know when I used to participate in a debate, I did it well without emotion involved and would cite literature, to back up my arguments, I had the best lexicon. But let me tell you for the past couple of years I have been reduced to an angry little man, turning red at the face when I disagreed with colleagues at work. I even started to take Anger Management, and Emotional Intelligence courses. But it was my addiction to PORN all along, and it's side effect Brain Fog was taking it's toll on me.
So, here I am, 4 weeks in without PMO. Oh but the temptations are there. Not temptations really, but the triggers. Triggers are everywhere, recognizing them immediately and acting upon them is the most challenging part.
I've just found that what works best for me is just to get up and walk away. I also think about my age, and the time that I have wasted on PORN. I think about the Brian Fog that I would be in if I restarted PMOing. Then I ease into my everyday life and I've overcome the trigger. But triggers come at me 24/7, I just hope I can keep convincing myself that I can beat this.
I also think of all the positive things I have been doing these pass few weeks. I've gone back to reading and writing, engaging with friends, going out more, work has gotten easier, and most important my marriage has improved. So I think about losing these things when triggers come up, and I get up and walk away.
Onto week 5......
