New life begins

Jimbo

Active Member
My story is similar to most on here. My name is Jim. I'm 41 and have not been very successful in relationships. Was married for 8 years and that ended 3 years ago. Had a few girlfriends since and recently got dumped by someone I truly care for.  Basically due to a lack of intimacy connected to ED issues.  Why is this happening to me? I was just chalking it up to being older and this is just the the way life is. Starting to believe that all guys my age are having the same problem and I guess little blue pills are the answer. Then surfing the web I come across articles on porn addiction. Porn addiction? What kind of loser is addicted to porn? Me, that's who. As I read the article I realize all the symptoms describe me and my issues to a T. Then watching some of Gabe's videos I realize that this is great news! I'm addicted to porn! I can be cured! This will be fixed! There are support groups for this? Even better! Just finding this out has changed my attitude 180 degrees! Now the road to recovery begins. Trying to cure a routine habit of 15-20 years is not going to be easy. Been 2 days without pmo (not exactly sure what this stands for yet) and so far I'm feeling inspired and hopeful. Not looking forward to the withdrawal but knowing there is an end to this sexual Hell is so relieving.

This is a journal of my progress. I'm happy to be here and any advice or support is welcomed. Thank you in advance.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Congrats on making it here! And I'm glad you are having an 180 in attitude.

I've been pmo (using Porn to Masturbate and Orgasm) free for 12 days, and I decided to get rid of it's influence 50 days ago. It's been a great journey of self-discovery and healing. You will slip up, but don't let it get to you. Just get back on the bandwagon and go for a longer stretch!

I was not only suffering from PIED and PIDE, but eventually those cleared up. I'm regularly making love to my girlfriend, and we feel go good about us, we're talking about marriage and it's going to be quiet soon!

Withdrawal can be hard. You will have panic attacks, and your mind will be in utter disarray. What really helped me during that time was accepting it as part of my recovery. It is my brain's way of healing itself. One of the things that I am doing now, that I would recommend for you is, taking a cold shower. It really works. I love taking them. I don't think I will ever go back to warm showers, cold showers are so invigorating!!!

Being PMO free is so freeing. Since I stopped using porn, I have helped another man go pmo free for 11 days now, had my anti-porn pro-guy tweets retweeted and favourited several times, and I have finished a 40+ page-long, over 13,000 word rough draft of a screenplay for a video game I'm creating, and that all started 50 days ago - so when I say, your cup overflows with blessings, I mean it!
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Thank you for the support. One question...how do I get the counter signature thing? Lol I'm such a noob.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Got the counter figured out. Need to figure out how to get some sleep without the usual routine. Been on this site almost all day. The stories are so similar.... Can only assume the recovery part is similar as well. Im up for the challenge. I will be victorious. I will be normal again.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Well time to get up for work in 2 hours and I'm still awake. I've had trouble sleeping in the past. Like during my divorce I didn't sleep for 2 months. More recently had trouble sleeping when I found out a roommate was stealing from me. This too shall pass.

Been thru a lot of change in the past 3 years. The divorce, living on my own for the first time in my life, and a year ago sold off everything that wouldn't fit in my car and moved 1500 miles away to start a one man company and working a part time night job. Since getting to my current location I have moved 2 more times.  So I've basically moved 8 times in 4 years. The company is doing ok, paying the bills but not quite where I would like it to be. I see now that this is in writing that it's been a stressful time and now I can't practice the one thing I'm good at. (Lol little humor to break monotany) No wonder sleep eludes me. I could really use some stability in my life. One day.

Still no pmo. Had the thought a few times but easily shrugged off. Even before I signed up here I had removed all browser history and deleted all previous cookies. Big help. Now it's not 2 clicks away. I'd have to conscientiously type out what I'm looking for. Giving myself a few precious seconds to change course. I haven't been this close yet but that was my thinking behind it.

Even though there is not enough time to get any real sleep tonight, I'm gonna close the eyes and at least get some rest. Not really the way I wanted to start my first full reboot week. Wait! Yes it is. It's my first full reboot week! Sometimes we have to look at the underside of the coin.
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Hi L.T.D.

I wanted to commend you, 3 days is great.

The late nights will pass. I was mostly past them by week 1. It's one of the withdrawal issues that many of us had. You will also start to get panic attacks. Those two were the two main ones for me. The importance of not watching porn is important during this time. Stick it out.

Two things I recommend. We all know it is easy, once you are online, to see a trigger. An ad off to the right on Facebook, or a recommend video on YouTube. An internet filter that prevents that would be best. I recommend K9 protection for your computer, your tablet and your phone.

The second thing I recommend is cold showers. They are invigorating and they are about our primitive reward system be hit with dopamine! I love taking them now.

Another thing I recommend, and I apologize if this offends you, prayer and Bible reading has also helped me. It has numerous examples of things that have helped me through these ordeals. 2nd Corinthians 12 in particular, to have a demonic messenger as a thorn in my side to prove God's strength in my weakness, and other scriptures on how temptation builds your character, not tears it down.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Thank you kurall. The only thing I'm offended by is the way I've been behaving over the past 10+ years. Which should be enough motivation to keep me on the path.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Finished off my work early today. Since I've been awake for almost 36 hours a nap would be great. Nope. Not gonna happen. Heart starts racing or it feels like it. I've had a full blown panic attack before. The shaking and total freak out. This is much more mild but almost constant. Ugh!

I still have a ton on my mind. Probably one of the reasons I can't sleep. Gf and I broke up but we still see each other at work and talk occasionally outside of work. There has been talk of getting back together in the near future but this leaves me more confused. We basically broke up due to my ED issue and the behaviors that come along with it. I didn't know that it was PI at that time. Would be nice to have a partner in this little adventure but part of me wants her to find someone that can take care of her needs. We still haven't talked about what my issue is. I have explained that I have figured out what it is and will be cured at some point in the not so distant future. I know I should tell her exactly what is going on but she needs her space at this time too. Oh the tangled webs we weave. Ugh!

Should I try and date someone else? Is that even fair to a potential significant other? Would I just be setting that relationship up for failure? Don't think I could handle a bunch of first dates...again. I work from home and know 2 people in this whole State (one is the ex mentioned earlier), so the chance of randomly bumping into a potential mate is almost nonexistent. But like I said above it would be nice to have someone at my side during this. But it's a lot to ask of someone you just met to deal with this. Don't want to burden anyone else. I did this. I need to fix it.  Again....Ugh!

I'm not really asking for answers from you guys to these questions/dilemmas. Just putting on paper what my mind is going thru. One day I'll look back thru here and laugh. I know time will solve most of these issues but it seems so long from now. Especially not sleeping a wink.

A real question, is an addiction to reboot nation an acceptable replacement for pmo? Lol

 

Jimbo

Active Member
Decided to head to the beach and watch the stars come out. It was peaceful. Good to get some fresh air.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Got some sleep, about 5 hours. I'll take it!

MW really hasn't been an issue with me. It would normally happen a couple times a week. But this thing this morning was like a steel I beam! Haven't been that hard in years. Nice to see a sign of improvement.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Well into day 5 and so far so good. Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm "forgetting" something. Off to the driving range to work on the golf game and to whack something other than myself.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
So was in my typical panicked state and trying to get out a good cry session. Tough because of my roommates being in the next room. So I'm having a moment and the ex girlfriend calls. (We talk from time to time.) I'm beating around the bush with what's going on and finally I just straight out ask her if she wants to hear this. She said go ahead. So I hit her with the whole PIED thing. We talked for about an hour and a half. She was very supportive and our relationship, and her last 5-6 relationships, started to make sense to her.

I was so surprised to find out that she hasn't had the high hard one for years as well. Due to guys that couldn't preform. Probably due to PIED. I guess this is both good and bad for me. I told her the cure. She may take the cure to an ex or, knowing I will be better soon, stick it out with me. Who knows? Women are still a bit crazy. Lol. And if it doesn't work out with her there are tons of women out there not getting laid due to this. So it's really a win win!

Actually talking with someone about my issue has made the anxiety disapate. I'm sure it's not gone but that's exactly what I needed. Told her that too. I'm 5 days in and already coming out of the ashamed shell. I'm talking about things I'd never talk to anyone about before with my ex girlfriend. This is simply amazing! I cannot wait until this whole thing is behind me. Wish I could fast forward to then.

I also notice the roller coaster of emotional mood swings I'm having. But this too shall pass.

I'm excited and highly motivated!! Bring on as many days as I have left on this planet!!! I was gonna say bring on day 6 but that's not quite good enough. Ha!
 
C

Chile

Guest
It was nice to read your journal L.T.D. You are making great progress. I have found that relationships start to naturally fall in place the farther we get away from porn. For most of us it's a LONG battle, a war really. As long as we can honestly say we're not the same guy we used to be, and continue to reboot despite the costs and setbacks, we will be victorious. I am really encouraged to see you here, and I would love to see your reboot happen more smoothly than mine. Peace!
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Thank you Chile. This forum is a welcoming place. I'm not much of a writer and I've never kept any type of journal before. It's pretty cool looking back even a few days and remember what you were going through then. It seems to keep hope alive.

Day 6 just about over. Tomorrow is goal day. I se the goal at 7 days only to get a sense of accomplishment. I'm in this for the long haul but the little rewards are nice. 
 

Rikkoman

Member
Hello LTD,

I have been trying to establish my journal and dealing with my reboot, that I almost forgot to read the other journals of our fellow forum members. I feel that the best therapy is just knowing that someone out there is feeling the same pain I'm in. I have been in denial for the longest time. I've recently just come to terms with my addiction.

I tried to quit PORN a few years ago, so I was referred often to Sex Addicts Anonymous. I'm not addicted to Sex! Hell, since I've been hooked on PORN, my sex life has sucked. I'm addicted to PORN. So I gave up looking for help and continued with my PORN habit.

Then I recently hit rock bottom with this BS. I was determined to stop. Flipboard lead me to this site and to YBOP. I was so relieved. I immediately signed up!  It has been one crazy roller coaster ride. I have experienced some withdrawal symptoms already, but as I read posts I find that it is normal and will pass. I'm hanging on, and glad to see your are as well.

The best thing to do is just put it all on this journal. Just brainstorm. You will find later when you re-read your posts, you figure out what you were actually dealing with. This addiction is very strong. But you're stronger.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Day 7 almost in the can. Did some accidental edging today. Wasn't doing anything wrong but searching the Internet with the mouse in right hand and the left had had started grabbing crotch. Time to get up, walk around, and learn to keep both hands on the desk. I'm gonna reset the goal for another 7 days.

Thank you, everyone, for the words of encouragement. I don't think I would have made this small goal without this forum.

I have gone 8-9 days pmo free once before. It was a week long fishing trip to Canada with family. But the moment I got back to my apartment after that trip it was on...big time. Wish I'd have known about this issue then. That was like 3 years ago.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
Goal reached. Reset the goal to 14 days. Last night and this morning was kind of rough. I caught my mind having little flashback fantasies. Brushed it off but I can see how the slip-ups happen. I have to be in control. I say what goes on in my mind!

Had an interesting talk with the ex late last night. Right now nothing has really changed there. But I let her know I can't be on this yo-yo much longer.  The "I need distance" then she calls has to end. Either way, I'll be alright. Great girl, not perfect. But I'd rather date her now than a random girl. But if it's not gonna work lets cut bait. I feel I'm about ready to get back into the dating scene. I was very hesitant going into this relationship because if my PIED. Now that recovery is in sight I may be ok starting a new relationship. It would have to go slow and she'd have to be amazing to put up with this right out of the gate. But everything happens for a reason and I'm sure this will be figured out soon.
 

Jimbo

Active Member
9 days in and this is the longest I can remember going without pmo.

Getting urges to O. Probably more now due not having a SO. My mind is all over the place. Complete craziness.

I need to start being more physically active, I know this. Hate exercising but got to get moving. I'm thinking about taking a few yoga for beginners classes. That would be ok, I think. At least in a class I will meet people. I have no family and 1 friend in my state. I literally know no one. Working the day job from home is no help. The part time night job led to a girlfriend that PIED killed. But that led to my revelation about what my problem was. So things happen for a reason.

I've just been such a couch potato for so many years the thought of muscle soreness is keeping me away from doing what needs to be done. I'm starting to see a pattern. My mind is not right. It blocks me from doing the things I should be doing and promotes doing things I shouldn't.

I also have a big problem with eating healthy. Due to my current living situation, it's impossible to keep food in the house. My roommates have sticky fingers and things go missing all the time. Talking to them about it has been a bigger waste of time than pmo. Stuck in this lease until Spring. Ugh. But I have cut sodas out for 3 days now. I've quit drinking soda before and that is a huge health benefit. I'm a pretty big guy. 6'3" and about 240 lbs. I like to eat. But need to be healthier. Any tips for eating out healthier and on a budget?
 

RSGrimm

Member
LTD, you are thinking the right things to keep the momentum going! Eating out healthier and being on a budget don?t always go hand in hand. For some reason, healthy food always seems to cost more. (why does a bottle of water cost more than a coke?) I have found that just adding a piece of fruit or less fried food has helped how I feel. Working out also seems to help motivate you to eat better (several studies have shown some correlation with this). If you focus on the fact that doing 10 pushups today may be 10 more than you did last month is also a good way to motivate yourself with small goals that lead up to better health. Now I just need to take some of my own advice.  You are on your way my friend!
 
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