Goodbye to Fantasy, Hello to Real-World Sexuality

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Leon

Guest
I hit my sixth and final 15 Day Goal, which now equals 90 days since my last lapse.

Though I stated earlier that this was not a reboot as such, but rather a probationary period since my last lapse- I tricked you, brain, straight up tricked you!!!

Not really, of course- we're smarter than that. However, this serves as an example that we need to use 'mental trickery' on ourselves until that we actually find ourselves overcoming. Fake it till you make it is a well known motto in the recovery community.

I Hit my 90 Day Goal!!!

This serves as my official reboot, as stated previously. While I'm very aware of the dangers and pitfalls that still lurk around, I am happy and whole without the need for pornography or masturbation in my life- especially as they're faulty coping methods.

I have no desire to get on line, and look up stuff in order to get off, or have a quick dopamine hit. I'm well aware when I start, for whatever reason, to go down that path- edging up to porn through it's substitutes, etc...

If I catch myself in a mood, I attempt to ascertain what is happening, or just non-judgmentally observe. I breathe through most of these things. Deep breathing exercises, mindfulness techniques, and prayer are my coping methods. I am still training my mind to think of porn, masturbation and women differently than I have in the past, and that's sometimes on going in terms of perception- but this is rapidly changing.

I so much prefer real-world sexuality to the made up fantasies as occur in porn and masturbation. This 'real-world' insists on emotional intimacy, and that best occurs within a committed relationship, as in the marriage covenant. That provides the best context for real love, intimacy and sexual experience. All else outside of that is only selfish and unreal, and hence, unsatisfactory.

Quitting these behaviors of porn and sex addiction has been, and sometimes continues to be the most toughest thing I've ever had to deal with. Keep in mind, this has been for me a 20-plus year addition, since the summer of 1993, though the makings of this were certainly forming long before that.

* I've found that to beat this addiction requires a dead-dog seriousness with ourselves, a diligence, a tenacity to never give up, and a receiving of the radical grace of God that, no matter what, you're forgiven and reconciled to Him.

* I've found that to beat this addiction, one must learn how to face and deal with urges. One cannot avoid this, white-knuckling, and creating a monster that looms larger than life. Screw that, men! Life is too short. What? Do we want to continue this addiction another 20 years? When, if ever, are we going to change? It certainly doesn't happen 'magically', we have to change ourselves, in His grace.

* I've found that to beat this addiction, we have to understand and appreciate the science of it. We've created sensitized neural pathways that require you to do the same old thing, require you to respond exactly as you've been responding in order to continue and grow stronger in it's selfish quest to consume and destroy your life. The ONLY way that we're going to beat this addiction and change ourselves is if we do something different in response to the triggers and urges that come upon us, whether these are exterior to us, or emotional and interior to us. Trigger/Urge ----> Response -----> Habit. It's that simple. If we change our response, we'll change our habit.

Remember: a definition of insanity is in doing the same old things, while expecting a different result.

To the men (and women) here: if I can change in this area, anyone can. My story, with it's very dark corners, serve as an example that no matter how bad, how ingrained is this addiction, it can and must be changed.

I am currently writing something I call the Sati Method, and will post a link in my journal when it's complete, which will represent the various techniques used by me to overcome this 20-plus year addiction.

Thank you all for reading my journal if you did, for supporting me, and praying for me.

And thank you Reboot Nation, and for the men who're behind it's creation.
 

nigel

Member
what a fantastic perspective on addiction.  it rings true on a deep level with me. 


and i agree the spirit is where its at.  mindfulness helps me each day with urges
 
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Leon

Guest
nigel said:
what a fantastic perspective on addiction.  it rings true on a deep level with me. 


and i agree the spirit is where its at.  mindfulness helps me each day with urges

Thank you, Nigel.

That this resonated with you, I am grateful.

Yes, mindfulness is so very important to my own successes. I had to be reminded of this lately, however. While I'm doing good generally, since we lost a car back in late August, I've been slipping back into old mentalities or thinking patterns. I haven't relapsed perse, but I've had quite a few struggles where I had to dig deep and reassess what worked before.

It was strange, because despite the success I had before with mindfulness techniques- aside from general practices- I had almost forgotten how important these techniques were toward my own recovery.

As I near (another) 90 day period of abstinence, and this reply of yours accompanying this period, I'm reinforced in my efforts from last summer regarding what had and does work for me so well. So, thank you- it seems that you've served a purpose beyond what perhaps you or I could imagine on our own. Your posts, not just your reply here, but all I've been reading of yours so far, has been very encouraging and confirmatory of my own directions toward mindfulness, meditation, along with my own Tradition's spirituality, as being paramount toward a lasting healing and renewal from my [former] addiction.

So, thank you for this timely and auspicious post.   

 
Hello Congrats on your continued success. I have found meditation and mindfulness helpful. I agree with you on the trigger and thought and response. I have been focused on those in the past and they really help me. Thank you for sharing your story.
 
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Leon

Guest
regguyinpa said:
Hello Congrats on your continued success. I have found meditation and mindfulness helpful. I agree with you on the trigger and thought and response. I have been focused on those in the past and they really help me. Thank you for sharing your story.

You're welcome, regguyinpa.

It's all too easy to just go on autopilot, and drift in fantasy-land. Mindfulness/meditation have become my mainstay coping method.

I may not be able to always control the stimuli in my life, the outward stresses, the inner anxieties, including urges that may arise, but I always can respond differently. It's a matter of taking back our power of choice from the addiction.

Let's do this together. 
 

nannitac

Member
Great post Leon, i think you go thru plenty of interesting point of the problem. In particular you mention correlation between stress and addiction.
Develop a Selfdiscipline togheter with strong knowledge of brain mechanisms  is critical to face the addiction.
When you feel cravings and urges, strong selfdiscipline gives you a tool to face lonelynes, frustration, anxiety. Whenever you are able to face your cravings you develop selfconfidence, you are slowly able to rely yourself...be confident you are able to face your weaknesses, that s makes you day by day stronger.
I agree also on your analisys of "real-world sexuality", this is not porn and not absolutily prostitutes, strip clubs, camgirls, promiscous sex...in all these cases you have sex in reality rather in front of a screen but you are just using a real body to satisfy your cravings and urges, there is no connection, no intimacy...so it is fake too.
The only way to develop a real sexual and amotional intimacy is within a committed, intimate relationship.

 
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