Littlewing's Journal of success

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littlewing

Guest
I'm not really sure where to begin except to say that this is most definitely not the first time I have tried this. I must have heard about NoFap on Reddit about three years ago and have been trying on and off ever since to reach the elusive 90 days (and beyond). To date the longest I've gone is around 45 days but there was a lot of bending the rules along the way.

I feel like a fuck up but I keep reminding myself that I haven't failed until I give up. Most of the time that doesn't help but I keep trying.

A bit about me...

I am 32 years old, married with one son and another on the way. We're happy and I've fortunately never suffered from ED with my wife (before her it's a different story though, maybe I'll save that for another day) but we probably don't have sex as often as either of us would like and that's not all down to my PMO but some of it is. I work a shitty job but it pays the bills and it gives me time to pursue other interests like writing.

I want to stop PMO and obsessive internet use in general. It is taking up too much time in my life (because I can't just have a ten minute session, it always turns into an hour or more) and leaving me with little enthusiasm for anything else. I feel shitty afterwards and sometimes even during. I have social anxiety which I suspect is in no small way related to PMO, when I have been off it before it all but dissapears.

Confession is good for the soul and here's one from yesterday when I was at work: I used Tor to bypass the company filters and spent about two hours reading sex stories. Then I went home and watched porn while my wife was out swimming. I rushed putting my son to bed so that I could get back to the computer and didn't do any of the productive things that I'd done in the evening. Not good.

So what do I want?

I want to be free of PMO, not for a week, not for a month, not for a year, forever. I want to stop wasting time on the internet. I want to spend more time doing the things that are important to me and being with my family. I want to be in better shape and more comfortable around other people.

How am I going to do it?

I am completely changing my routines. It clearly isn't enough to just say "I'm not going to look at porn" there needs to be some radical change to prevent me from doing so. I am not going to leave the old routines in place because fighting against an established habit is killing me. I figure it will be much easier to build completely new habits. I am going to start exercising again, just pushups and situps and stuff to begin with and I will start cycling to work again too. I am going to check in here every day to post on this journal and it is going to be the story of my success.

It's time for things to change and no one is going to change them for me. I might be my own worst enemy but I have it within me to be my own best friend as well.
 
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littlewing

Guest
Well I've got through the first 24 hours without any real trouble but I've done this enough to know that it doesn't get challenging for me until the one week mark so I guess I will just ride it out until then.

Yesterday evening my wife was home. We spend a lot of time together so I never really have the opportunity to PMO when she's around which I'm pleased about (not to say that I have never managed to do it, when I'm caught in the frenzy of PMO I can be quite sneaky). I played with my son and put him to bed. We watched an episode of Under the Dome and then went to bed.

I am making lots of small changes at the moment which I feel are going to destabilise my old routines. I don't think my old routines were really bad but I was used to fitting PMO into them and I want to get over that. So it's just little things at the moment, like changing the web browser that I use (although I am cutting right back on internet useage as well, I do still need to use it for certain things but I want it to feel "different"). I will be making other changes over the coming days as I try to buld new routines that don't have any room in them for PMO.

Yesterday I did a lot of reading around the forum and one thing really stuck with me: we aren't addicted to porn we are addicted to the dopamine rush, porn is just a button that we push to get that hit. It makes so much sense to me. High speed internet porn is like drinking five cans of Red Bull, it's an unnatural rush. What we need to do is find alternative activities that are more like green tea, a slower more controlled dose of dopamine. It's a different way of looking at things and it makes a lot of sense to me. I'm not addicted to porn, I'm addicted to the rush of chemicals that porn produces. It makes me feel better about this and at the same time makes porn seem less desireable because it's not something I want to watch.

I don't want to be a rat in a cage pushing buttons for pelits of food. I want to be in control of my environment.
 
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littlewing

Guest
On Saturday mornings I wake up early to write. Over the last few weeks this has increasingly become an opportunity for me to sit at my computer and PMO rather than get words down on the page. Yesterday evening I was considering skipping the early start to avoid the temptation but in the end I decided that I needed to face my demons. So I got up and I sat down and I got on with what I needed to do. This morning was my first "opportunity" to PMO and I resisted. It's only a small victory (the big one will come when my wife is next out in the evening) but it's still a victory and I feel proud of myself.

Last night I did feel the first stirrings of desire for PMO. It was a warm day and there were lots of girls walking around in not very many clothes and when I got home my wife had more that the usual amount of flesh on display. Sex was not an option (she's very pregnant and uncomfortable and just not in the mood) so I started to think about PMO. But then I looked at myself in the mirror and told my reflection that it wasn't really porn that I wanted, what I wanted was the dopamine hit. I was tired, it was the end of a long week and I had seen some girls. After doing that the urge passed.

I am trying to check in on here every day but tomorrow it might not be possible. I can already feel that writing this stuff down every day is useful. I find myself reading through the success stories and planning what I will write when I get to 90, 120, 365 days. I know I can do it this time.
 

ulaozin

Active Member
Hello Littlewing,

Welcome to the forum. I wish you the best luck with your new attempt. I will keep track of your journal. A lot of things you said are similar to me. I'm also tired of porn keeping in the way of my projects and relations. I'm in the process of writing a thesis and my last series of relapses was triggered by the anxiety of doing it. One piece of advice I would say is: respect yourself. Make your new routine, exercise, write and be more with your family, but don't let the writing let you tired or anxious and pave the way for a relapse. Don't rush it, little by little you will conquer your new freedom and projects. 
 
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littlewing

Guest
Thanks ulaozin, I appreciate it. I try not to let the writing get on top of me but sometimes it does. I guess I've got an adictive personality but at least it's a productive thing to be adicted to I guess.
 
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littlewing

Guest
I kept myself busy yesterday and away from the computer. Went for a walk into town with wife and son and had a picnic in the park. It was nice to be out in the sun. That in itself is a new sensation for me. In fact, it was me that suggested we go out which is probably the first time in a long time that has happened. I wasn't worried about getting back home to write or to PMO, I could just enjoy being with my family. There were a few women in the park sunbathing in bikinis and I couldn't help but notice them but I made a point of looking away, from past experience I know that perving on women inevitably leads me back to PMO so I need to be careful of that trigger. I fell asleep while putting son to bed and then came downstairs and made dinner. We watched a film and then went to bed. It was a good day but I'm already aware how much I am relying on other people being around to prevent a relapse. My wife will probably go out swimming one evening next week and that will be difficult. I am torn between coming on here to read posts while she is out or leaving my computer in a drawer and doing something else. Both have their ups and downs but I am determined to stay clean.

I downloaded a counter onto my phone, just to keep track of where I am. In the past I have become a bit obsessed about the number of days I've reached but that has only made it easier to justify a relapse. This time I've got the counter tucked away in a folder and I've only looked at it once.

I was thinking more about how it's not porn that I'm addicted to but the dopamine hit. This kind of goes some way to explaining why I also need to cut down my internet useage. I get a similar hit when browsing innocent websites as I do browsing porn and I think that one leads to the other every time. It's better for me to cut both out, for now at least, because I guess the hit I get from regular websites isn't as much as I get from porn so my addicted brain goes from one to the other searching for greaer thrills. Maybe once I've reset my brain I can go back to the regular internet without seeking greater thrills in porn. I have cut down as much as I can (I still need to use some things online for publishing) and I feel better for it, calmer. I don't even listen to podcasts anymore because they tend to push me back to the internet which pushes me to porn. If I have to give up the internet (as much of it as I can) for a year then that's a small sacrifice for getting porn out of my life.
 
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littlewing

Guest
As I begin day five I'm feeling more alert and focused. In part, I suspect, this is because I feel like I have less to do but that's a good thing regardless. It means I have more time to focus on the important things, like my family and the work.

I worked out last night that day seven is going to fall on Wednesday which is the night my wife usually goes swimming. I know that I'm building this up to be a big deal when it shouldn't be and I'm worried that it will make it more difficult. But it's not like I don't have plenty of other things to do that will keep me occupied.

I'm noticing women in the streets more now which, as I mentioned yesterday, is something that has been a trigger in the past. I'm trying my best to look away because no good can come from it.

Overall though I haven't had any major struggles yet. In some ways that's good but in other ways it's just making me worried about them coming up in the future. One of the things that I have struggled with in the past is when the temptation comes up at day ten or eleven and it will be the first major struggle I've faced. A part of my brain just says "well you've made it this far, why not just enjoy it, it's not that big of a deal". Hoping that having this daily journal will help me overcome that this time.
 
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littlewing

Guest
This morning I was exhausted as I sat down to start working and I had to fight the impulse to PMO. It was a relatively mild compulsion but it's the first sign of what I know is to come. I don't know that there is any way to avoid the urge and I will have to willpower my way through.

Other than that yesterday wasn't too much trouble. I'm keeping busy and it's quite nice that in those moments when I'm not doing something that porn isn't an option. I've been spending more time reading and even just sitting and thinking.
 

ulaozin

Active Member
Hi Littlewing,

You are doing fine man, don't be afraid of the urges. They will come, but you can make some preparation.

I worked out last night that day seven is going to fall on Wednesday which is the night my wife usually goes swimming. I know that I'm building this up to be a big deal when it shouldn't be and I'm worried that it will make it more difficult. But it's not like I don't have plenty of other things to do that will keep me occupied.

Just a tip.

It is normal to have an urge in a day with something out of routine. Your limbic brain is looking for a crack in your armour. Your instinct tells you it can be a big deal, and It can. Make a preparation for the days she is out for swimming. For example, sometimes I ask my wife to take with her the internet cables. It also helped building trust with my wife. 

Also, I love to share this it helped me a lot:

http://cheercounseling.com/news/halt-recovery/

The original post for this HALT technique is in crazygopher's journal:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=40.25
 
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littlewing

Guest
Thanks ulaozin, I will keep that in mind.

This morning was the first time that I really could have PMO'd. I was very tired and not really feeling like writing. In the end I only wrote for a short time but instead of PMO I got on with some other work that I needed to do and I feel good about that. I did some reading on here and that helped me get over the notion to PMO but the funny thing was that I didn't really want to PMO anyway, I just didn't want to write. So I did some writing and then I did something else, that something else doesn't have to be PMO.

Good news - my wife isn't going swimming this week so I won't have to face that just yet. When it does come up I'm going to do my best not to make it a big deal, the anxiety I feel about it is far more likely to make me PMO than any actual desire. So I will just get on with other things like doing the washing up and cooking.
 
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littlewing

Guest
Yesterday turned out not to be much of a problem. It is becoming clear to me that once I get past the difficult parts of the day (in this case the morning) I don't have much trouble. I guess the times that I have PMO'd that have been outside my routine are not as ingrained as the other times. But of course it would be stupid to let my guard down completely.

This morning again was difficult but I was determined to get through my usual amount of writing and I managed it. Although the signs of my struggle are becoming obvious as I find myself adding details about characters that could be considered sexual and putting them in situations of a sexual nature. The first time that I tried to quit PMO I wrote an entire erotic novella so this is obviously a warning sign that things are about to become more difficult. But that's okay, I figure that difficulty is a sign of progress and there is no cure without discomfort.

I began my exercise routine this morning which was good to get me away from the computer after I'd finished writing. Only stretching and then ten pushups, situps and squats. I will build it up more as time passes, at the moment it's more important that I make it a part of my daily life, however little.

Over the last week I've been doing a lot of reading and I'm finding myself becoming increasingly interested in politics. I am considering volunteering for a national group that campaigns for social change. I've always been broadly interested in social issues but this is the first time I've been motivated to do anything about it.

The first week has really been okay but I knew that a week wasn't a big deal for me. I'm glad I've done it but it's important that I don't let my guard down now because this is when problems begin to crop up. I've added a counter below but the real danger is going to be that I relapse and then give up the whole thing and just leave that counter ticking away. I am committed to coming here every day and posting an entry to this journal and to making sure that the counter below is accurate. I need to feel as if this is an important thing and to realise that I am letting down more than just myself if I fail.

I was thinking this morning that I really need to succeed this time because I've been on this wheel for years and I honestly don't know if I would have the energy to start it up again yet again. If I don't do it this time then I'm pretty sure that I never will. I guess that's not a particularly healthy way to think but it's an honest feeling.


Confessions

They say confession is an important part of recovery and I'm willing to give it a go. So I am going to try and take the time each day to tell you about something I've done regarding PMO that I'm not proud of in the hope that it will unburden me somewhat and perhaps reinforce my commitment to continue with this journey.

Looking back now I'm very relieved that I grew up in a time before high speed internet came around. When I was younger we didn't even have cable television so I couldn't watch the adult channel previews until I was in my teens. The first time I remember encountering porn was in primary school so I could only have been around 10. A friend of mine had a scrapbook that was full of pictures of topless women that he had collected from the newspaper that his parents bought. I remember how amazing it felt to look at them. It wasn't until a few years later that I first encountered hardcore pornography when I was out with some friends and we found a stash of European porn magazines in a bin by the leisure centre. It's weird to think now but back then it wasn't uncommon to find things like this and it wasn't the only time I did.

We took the magazines (of course) and went to sit in the bushes to read them. I can't say I was particularly turned on by the pictures, in a weird way it was kind of gross, but I was definitely intreagued. We hid the magazines in the bushes but they were gone by the next day, my guess is that one of us snuck back after all the others had gone home and took them for themself. For the first few years of my relationship with porn all I had was what I could find and I got into the habit of looking in bins whenever I was out. I guess that was the start of the hunter/gatherer relationship that I had and maintained for the next several years.

Eventually the supply of material seemed to dissapear, I suspect that this coincided with the start of widespread use of the internet (dial up) and the perverts - how strange is it to think that we used to consider the people who bought porn perverts! - were quick to discard the business of buying magazines for the convenience of slow downloads. Which brings me to the part that I want to confess...

... I used to go into shops and steal porn magazines.

I wasn't alone in doing this but that doesn't excuse my behaviour. I couldn't have been much older than 13/14 at the time and there was an undeniable thrill in doing it, even getting caught reaching up for the top shelves would have been a massive embarassment. Sometimes I would stick them inside a newspaper and buy that, sometimes I would just stick them up my top and walk out.

Looking back now I'm trying to be more disgusted by this behaviour than I actually am, that I would go to such lengths shows how powerful a hold porn had on me, even back then before I had been exposed to pictures on line, let alone videos. It makes me realise how difficult it must be for the kids who are growing up today with hardcore streaming porn right there in their homes. If I had been in the same situation at their age I doubt I would have achieved a damn thing.

One thing that really sticks with me now that I'm looking back is how differently the subjects of porn and masturbation were treated when I was younger. I already mentioned above that it was generally thought that only perverts bought porn but it was even more difficult for anyone to admit they masturbated. Even as we passed stolen porn magazines around school none of would admit that we masturbated over them. Now I'm not saying that it's a healthy attitude but there it is. Judging the modern world by those old standards almost everyone is a pervert now, freely available highspeed porn has turned the whole world into perverts.

Sorry about the massive amount of text today but it does feel good to confess these things.
 
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littlewing

Guest
Well as you can see I have reset my counter which means that this morning I failed. I've got a few thoughts from the immediate aftermath that I would like to share with you all:

I am not prepared to let failures become permanent defeats.

The barriers that we put up only work for as long as we believe in them. Therefore the real strength isn't in blocking porn, the real strength is in ourselves.

The truth is that porn is pretty gross but it's not the porn that we are addicted to, it's the dopamine. Porn is just a button that we press to get that hit. I forgot that and that is why I failed.


I'm not sure that I have much to add to that, other than that I was wrong yesterday when I said that I didn't know if I had the strength to keep fighting this. I am going to continue and I am going to win.

Confession

This is something that I've never said to anyone but I feel like today is a good day to share it:

I look at transexual porn.

I've been doing it for so long now that I no longer feel ashamed of it. Sure, when I first started I had the usual concerns about my sexuality but I'm over that now. Not that I want anyone to know about it and not that I want this to continue.

I am back on the wagon now and trying to get on with the rest of my day as normally as I can. I am committed to this and not going to let one failure ruin my life.
 

ulaozin

Active Member
Hello Littlewing,

Sorry to hear you relapsed. Don't feel to bad about, it's part of the recovery process.

I wanted to come here earlier but I had a couple of busy days. First, I want to say that It's very good that you are writing consistently in your journal. It can help you a lot.

I was thinking this morning that I really need to succeed this time because I've been on this wheel for years and I honestly don't know if I would have the energy to start it up again yet again.

You've reached a nice conclusion about this thought and you found some good ones to put against it, that is good. I try to do it too. I've read somewhere that whenever we are about to succumb to an action that we think we can't avoid, we make justifications for it. There is a deep connection between our beliefs, justifications and behaviours. When we are in a crisis we have to spend a lot of energy to avoid the addictive behaviour. On the other side it costs less energy to succumb to it, and even less when we justify it in order to fill the gap between our will and our behaviour

So this thought can be an example of your addiction trying to sabotage you.  Acknowledge it and move on. For me, I have this constant voice who tells me that I can be good for now with a month of abstinence, but eventually I will have to watch porn. It tells me that in fact I want something bad to happen in my life so that I can relapse without guilt. What I try to do is: 1- I change my belief: I identify this thought as a creation of my addiction and not an actual expression of my will, and I try to dismiss it that way. 2- I counteract this thought with another one that express my commitment with my recovery and helps me stay clean. There are many ones. If I have a terrible day I think in short terms and just say to me that I have to finish one day at a time; if I need a broad perspective because I feel discouraged by the lack of progress I say to myself: what is a day or a month when my commitment is for life? Today I just found one more: What matters is not the number of days or hours  that I'm clean, what matters is that I'm clean now, at this moment. So even if I still feel the damages of the addiction, whenever I'm clean I'm already living the life I mean to live. Besides that, there is no more meaningful step than those first and terrible ones.

Keep strong man!
 
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