I remember I am here to help change the world. I must stop my addiction first!


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*If you are gonna spend time reading my journal, please I highly recommend reading my article first ''How to make sure your porn filter is working effective''
To make sure there is no way to bypass the filter. Just scroll down on page 1. Warning there are triggers.*

Hello everyone, nice to meet you!

I am 28 years old and I am a porn addict  :'(

Here?s my story, since I was perhaps 10 years old, I started watching porn when my parents got their first computer. Porn addiction is blocking my spiritual development! It even caused me into serious health problems.

As a kid I was already very horny and wanted to watch naked girls. I think I was 5 or 6 years old when I first draw a girl giving head to a men in my parents photograph album! I still don't understand how at such a young age I knew something like that. It must be reincarnation ;) Anyway I know one of my biggest life lessons is to learn to love myself and stop this crazy habit!

I started watching naked women in magazines when I was 9 years old. My parents had these kind of magazines for their company. After that, I started masturbating when I saw a friend doing it. This dude really has no shame at al I guess...Anyway after I saw that, I started doing it myself and I felt really bad afterwards. So I started with masturbation only. Before the age of 12 I already had my first cum. Then when my first computer came, I started watching porn and that?s where my addiction got worse! PMO everyday!
Although I never went to hardcore porn because I was only interested in the female body. Up till now I still only watch female bodies.

I never have problems with ED. My biggest problem is my anxious for women, low self esteem and things like that! It just destroyed my whole sense of who I am. I even don?t know how to communicate with women anymore. There were several women in my life who could have been my girlfriend I think, If I wasn?t addicted to porn. Even a very hot women when I was 18 liked me.... but I was too afraid of rejection and porn also causes me to think how a women should look like. I was blinded by illusions. Several girls asked me if I go to a disco but I never understood it could mean something. Danced with women but never got the guts to go further.

At the age of 19 I became very sick. I had a brain tumor and my anxiety became even worse. It took me years to recover until  now. Unfortunate after my recovery I started watching porn again! I wanted to stop watching porn and I thought back then that the only way to stop watching porn,.... was to watch porn and say no to the screen! Every time I failed because the urge to PMO was too great.

Now most of the time I watch PMO or MO once or twice a week. My longest run was 18 days PMO free with wet dreams.

What I learned so far

I found out the very first step to stop PMO is blocking video?s!, putting a good porn filter on the pc , mobile phone, tablets and finding someone who is going to resend the password when needed. I also use www.lettermelater.com to send the password into the future. I use k9 web protector and Qustodio together, both are free.

I went to youtube for PMO so I had to block youtube too and facebook, google like most search engines because of images and so on. I am only able to watch PMO when I visit my family...

Diet change might help I believe. But before I am able to cure myself, I cannot say much about it I guess.

Meditation also could help I believe but I have no discipline to do that everyday  :-[

I know I really need help my friends. I must stop and it?s time to get real if you know what I mean  8) Thank you very much for reading!


zaraki888 said:
I know I really need help my friends. I must stop and it?s time to get real if you know what I mean  8) Thank you very much for reading!

We're here for you man :) You got all the support you need right here.
Keep fighting! We're all in this together ;)


Active Member
Hello man,

thanks for sharing your story :) cool to hear that you feel a calling. The world needs you. You wrote this: "Meditation also could help I believe but I have no discipline to do that everyday"

Thats the thing. No one has the discipline to do it in the beginning. Thats why we need to start, because doing it builds discipline :)

keep going strong!


Active Member
Hello brothers,

Thank you very much for your support! I really needed that!
My apologize for my late respond, I have anxiety and the days after relaps were difficult for me, the chaser effect I think. I almost MO.

I bought the book ''your brain on porn'' and I have finished reading. Looks like the withdraw symptoms are freaking hitting me. I never thought it could be symptoms from PMO! I am depressed, tired, I wanna stay in bed and I can?t get up earlier, bad memory, have anxiety, I have no appetitte  and I need to study but I have no motivation.

To Hablablos: I have some hobbies. I do tai chi, I have a mini trampoline but....most of the time I don't exercise at all. I like building plastic model action figure but I haven't started building yet. I keep it in the box for years really...just crazy. I like philosophy but I don?t feel like reading the book further after purchase. Most of the time I am wasting time sitting behind a screen. When porn is not available, I am just doing stupid things like, reading reviews on amazon or watching images of action figures, reading conspiracy theories, and when an urge comes, I am trying to get pass the filter and this can take hours and hours.
The thing is, when I would like to do something fun or important things, most of the time at the end I am not doing it. I am a total mess guys! But I will never give up!

To Sunborn: thanks you, you are right! This time I finally created an account and started reading the book! This was my start to build discipline ? Maybe someday when I succeed, I would like to help others too with their problems  on this forum. It feels good! ;)


Active Member
I started doing meditation yesterday and today in the morning for at least 30 minutes. I am using meditation music to keep me in a relax state. After meditation I still feel tired and when I go back to bed, I got the urge to MO. Good I was able to hold back and got out of bed. Flashback of images came, I was able to use the technique described in the book ''your brain on porn'' by visualizing a big red cross and an explosion.
I also started with tai chi again. I did tai chi for about half an hour I think.

Most of the time the first days are hard for me. But also after like 6 or 7 days, the urge to PMO is coming back even stronger.

I red somewhere on the internet that after 6 or 7 days, something is happening with the testosterone level in the body which might trigger the cravings. Forgive my if I am wrong ;) I can't find it anymore. When we are able to bypass those days, it should be much easier to hold back. Than the whole process starts over again I think. Most of the time I fail to by pass a week.


don't let your mind go into fantasy.
take 5 minutes walk as well if possible.
keep your mind chatter close by using meditation.


Active Member
Day 6

Yesterday was an vegan event. I decided to go out alone and kill my anxiety. I was standing in front of a stand about food and next to me were two beautiful girls. I looked at her and she smiled. I smiled back but....I was too afraid to say something. In the mean time I was constant looking if I could find her again in the crowd and when I found them, I looked her when she wasn't looking. They were sitting on the grass with their naked feet earthing the ground. Nice!

I was wondering if there was a change I was able to talk to her but I was too afraid. An hour later there was also a stand which gave food for free so I decided to eat something, donate some money and you know what? The same girls were standing again next to me also wanting to eat something. I thought is this coincidence? Is the universe calling? I don't know but it took me first 5 minutes before I decided to step to them and ask If I could join them. I put all my courage and said to myself, come on just do it, NOW! So I asked may I join you? And they were okay with that. It was really nice. I had no cravings and I acknowledge their presence and beauty! I realized just talking feels amazing too as if there was some kind of energy exchange. It gave me a good feeling to continue to kill my addiction, so I will not feel shame anymore when going after real woman.

I also use bach flower remedies for self confidence, getting more energie and learning to say no. Works great on a period of time.

Today I meditated approximately 1,5 hour and did tai chi for 40 minutes. Keep strong guys, meditation is a very powerful tool to make will power stronger. Your thoughts and emotions are creating your reality, according to what I have heard. Think of positive things.


Active Member
Hello zaraki,

looks like you had a great day yesterday. I can only envy you :).

You wrote that you have many things you can do, but when it comes to choose what to do, you start doing completely different thing instead. Don't worry, it's common problem and I suffer from it as well. But somebody on this forum posted an interesting book, which may contain advices in that area. I didn't read it, but I may have read a similar book, but that book was in another language.

When it comes to reading books, did you try to borrow some book from a library? I'm doing that and a good things about that it's quite cheap. So far I paid only for registering and there is a small fee for reserving a book, which is now borrowed. And because I borrow a book for a limited time, it force me to read it before I have to return in back.


Active Member
Hello Hablablos, thanks for posting!

Yes, I just completely do useless things. That sound interesting to read the book. Could you maybe tell me the name of the book or person on this forum?

Have you heard of ''analysis paralysis'' ? It is a state of over-analyzing a situation so that a decision or action is never taken. I suffer a lot from this.

I do not have a library membership. Perhaps I might be able to buy the book you mention second hand.


Active Member
Day 7

Meditation in the morning for 30 minutes. I took a complete cold shower. It felt pretty good after but honestly I did scream like a litte girl .... though screaming does helps against the cold water :) Tai chi today for 20 minutes. I read a book '' the tao of love and sex'' Nice to learn how to please a women.

Day 8 is coming, I have failed for several months to bypass day 8 and 9 without PMO. Most of the time sexual thoughts are coming back into my dreams after a couple of days. I feel good know. Perhaps mediation everyday for at least 30 minutes does help a lot. I hope I do not fall back!

Edit: I removed a part about anxiety, it is getting a little bit too personal. I am here to get rid of the PMO, not talking about girls and dates :)


Active Member
Day 8    weird erotic dreams (do not read if you think you could be turned on) I will remove this post if you find it offensive. I wrote it on my journey to remember what happened in my dreams.

Tonight I really had erotic dreams as I stated in my previous post. I was on a porn set standing there when the director was filming a scene. An old couple making love. (What the heck is wrong with my mind? I have never seen an old couple making love! Anyway, the good thing was that I was not turned on and I left the stage. I even told a peeker to get the hell out a here. Unfortunate a second erotic dream came and this time it was difficult, a young lady taking a shower. I tried to peek but she noticed me and said, do not look. I listened to her and left, but I wanted to go back. Then in my dream I woke up in bed. I though I was awake and I was thinking about the lady and wanted to masturbate. I was able to stop myself in my dream before orgasm because I didn't want to ejaculate. Then another dream came when I was sitting behind my notebook, thinking I could search porn anytime. I woke up and I found I did not ejaculated. I immediately stood up to take a cold shower, in case cravings are still active. After shower I did meditation.

Today I did not watch PMO :) Hopefuly I will stay clean.

I don't like the fact that I haven't received a message from the girl I met. Looks like I said something stupid again guys?...I will forget her and move on :)



Active Member
Hello zaraki,

the name of the book is The Slight Edge. In my previous post I give a link for that, but it probably wasn't noticable that much. So here is the link: http://slightedge.org/

Yes, I also heard about analysis paralysis. But in my language is under different term so I wasn't sure about it. Also I have the same problem about writing and replying on this forum. Not much in real life, but here is harder for me. One of those reasons for me might be the fact, that english is not my native language and I'm afraid that people here won't understand what I'm trying to say.

For the rejections I found this:    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsT5eV_m7BA

And the last time I wrote you, I forgot to add something. You mentioned that in the book Your Brain on Porn is an advice to imagine red cross, when the urge comes. On that site I also found this site: http://emergency.nofap.com/ which is made by nofac community. And it has red cross even in favicon :). And personally helped me a few times.

Hope this things help you.


Active Member
Hello Hablalos,

Thank you for the link! The book looks really promising after reading some reviews on amazon!

I find your writings very understandably, you write very good! Don't worry about it, we are all here helping each other. I really feel support when someone writes on my journal :) English is also not my native language, and I make writing mistakes all the time.

Thanks a lot for the link about rejection! I blocked youtube so I will watch the video when I go to a library.

I have never tried out the emergency made by nofac community. Looks pretty good :) thank you again, I will think about that and go there when I feel the urge.

Have a nice day!



Active Member
Day 9

No erotic dreams. I meditated for I think almost an hour in the morning. I did also tai chi. No feeling of cravings. I feel like I have no libido.

Day 10

I had almost an erotic dream again. I was together with a girl (not very attractive) and when intimacy came, she gave me head one time but I did not feel anything and I stopped and went away. She wasn't attractive and perhaps that made me stronger to stop myself.

I meditated for 20 minutes and at night, I went for a walk. Walking feels good and I felt no cravings.

I have replied to several rebooters. It is now 1:14 in the morning. I have anxiety to reply and it takes me I guess hours to think and to write. It still feels good that I did this but I really have to learn to go to sleep on time :) My apologize if it takes some time to respond. Let's kill this addiction once and for all together! Good night brothers!

Edit: Day 11

I caught myself wasting time on this forum today and yesterday at night. I need not to think about P and I really need to study, so I will come back on this forum on 8 september. I will let you guys know that I will pass 14 days without PMO. Than I will gonna surpass 18 days until I reach 21 days! It will be a record for me in years.


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Day 12

Today in the morning I almost MO! I think I stayed too long in bed, getting bored. The urge came and I started to masturbate a bit, edging. I knew I didn't want to waste my ''life force or whatever you would like to call it'' but I keep getting tempted.
Images came into my mind but I rejected them all in time by visualizing the red cross as I used before with an alarm sound. Then I went to the bathroom and took a cold shower as fast as I can. I was saved by the bell! In my mind I was thinking ''EAT THIS BITCH''!
A cold shower feels actually good. Great to improve blood circulation in the body. I highly recommend to take a cold shower when you feel cravings.



its all about choice.
making new choices in the times of craving will change the game in your favor.


Active Member
Hello everyone!

This is day 15! I made it, great! I am going to hit for 21 days. I feel strong to be able to pass 21 days.

I use natural herbs like bach flower remedies and today I received reiki treatment. I feel lighter, stronger and more powerfull.

In the meantime I used hours and hours of reading about success stories. I highly recommend you guys to read the following: By the creator of www.yourbrainrebalanced.com: theUnderdog

Topic: The Top 3 FATAL MISTAKES Rebooters Make


My Thoughts On Rebooting [EXTREMELY LONG POST]


Make sure you read the following too:


I will try to post less on this forem, just to make sure I will not think about porn at all. You should do too :)

Believe in yourself and you will be able to do it!

Take care!