The Post-Reboot P/M Conversation...

[FutaRuinedHim]

Yesterday, I began a conversation with my SO about the prospect of whether or not he planned on using P after his reboot (however long that takes). I'm worried because while he said he wouldn't use it right away and maybe just resort to M from time to time, he seems to think it'll be ok for him to view P again in the future at some point, maybe just more traditional type stuff.

I feel like P has poisoned his brain and his bodily responses and that what he's suggesting is similar to an alcoholic having just one beer occasionally after getting out of rehab, or a smoker quitting cold turkey and only smoking when they drink. I'm nervous that he doesn't fully understand that he could end back up at square one.

I also worry that the only reason he's doing this reboot is to work on the PE problem he's developed and nothing more. I agree that's an issue, but I'm more concerned with the fact that he was in this weird fog for so long and now he's coming out of it and already thinking about jumping back in.

I told him I don't think it would be smart to view P at all, but how realistic is that? And what about M?

What do others out there think about P & M post-reboot?

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I think his addiction is testing the waters of your resolve.

Here's the deal. This is a really tough thing to give up. His brain is mush and you need to ignore a lot of these musings because they are junk-think. He's looking to you for any crack of hope that he can live that double life.

You can't control another person, you can only control you. Build your self-esteem, your worthiness because if you've been living with this you may not think too highly of yourself. I didn't. Sharpening your self-esteem also calibrates your BS meter. You will be able to discern when the addiction is talking.

Good luck.

 

[Mart71]

I feel like P has poisoned his brain and his bodily responses and that what he's suggesting is similar to an alcoholic having just one beer occasionally after getting out of rehab, or a smoker quitting cold turkey and only smoking when they drink. I'm nervous that he doesn't fully understand that he could end back up at square one.

This.

It has to be treated just like the other addictions you mentioned. An ex-alcoholic, who just wants to drink "social" or "with moderation", has an extremely high risk of a relapse. Yes, there are a few who can do it, but for most who have been real addicts, it is just too dangerous.

It is highly unlikely, that our brains completely remove the addiction pathways. They will just be suppressed and weakened, but not removed. So falling back to square one can happen very fast.

If he is serious about quitting, I am afraid he has to quit for life.

Sadly many people don't really think of porn being harmful, besides maybe the moral side of it. So they think "yeah, sure, i've overdone it, my dick doesn't work at full capacity, okay. I'll give it a rest, seems to work, and then I'll just do it a little less in the future, since I am in control of this and how much I do it".

Every addict thinks, he can control his addiction. Hell, even I think I am basically cured. But when push comes to shove, the addiction is stronger than us.

PS:
Imo masturbation without porn after a successful recovery is fine, as long as it doesn't turn into compulsive masturbation. Personally I have stopped masturbating myself, since I only want to be sexual with my partner. Post reboot, masturbation has become much less enjoyable anyway compared to the real thing, which is my girl.

 

[Bibbity]

I answered in the other thread as well!

Imo masturbation without porn after a successful recovery is fine, as long as it doesn't turn into compulsive masturbation. Personally I have stopped masturbating myself, since I only want to be sexual with my partner. Post reboot, masturbation has become much less enjoyable anyway compared to the real thing, which is my girl.

Totally agree!  I alluded to this in my other post as well.  The key is that he needs to get to a place where PMO is no longer the reward and that takes time and lots of good sexual connection to you.  Talk, talk, talk about sex and love as much as you can and caress, kiss and hold each other etc.  My husband gave up PMO over a year ago and refuses to M.  He just no longer sees it as fulfilling.  Even if we go a week without sex for whatever reason he simply prefers to wait until we are able to have sex.  It has completely lost it's appeal to him and he kicks himself all the time for the time wasted on it.

 

[savingmysoul]

As an addict, and as one who has betrayed his wife and marriage - there can be no going back, ever.  Fully understanding my issue, my addiction, who i became, who i dont want to be - personally i would say there can be no going back.  It takes time, but the addict voice can be silenced.  But the addict has to make that choice.

As far as M goes, i personally will not do this either.  Neither have a place in my life anymore.

 

[FutaRuinedHim]

Here's the deal. This is a really tough thing to give up. His brain is mush and you need to ignore a lot of these musings because they are junk-think. He's looking to you for any crack of hope that he can live that double life.

You can't control another person, you can only control you. Build your self-esteem, your worthiness because if you've been living with this you may not think too highly of yourself. I didn't. Sharpening your self-esteem also calibrates your BS meter. You will be able to discern when the addiction is talking.

Definitely true. My self esteem has taken hits in waves it seems. I put on weight over the past year from replacing my sexual frustration and depression with food. I've been exercising more, eating less  and doing more for me.  Hopefully he follows suit in the long run and we leave this crap behind us.

 

[FutaRuinedHim]

It has to be treated just like the other addictions you mentioned. An ex-alcoholic, who just wants to drink "social" or "with moderation", has an extremely high risk of a relapse. Yes, there are a few who can do it, but for most who have been real addicts, it is just too dangerous.

It is highly unlikely, that our brains completely remove the addiction pathways. They will just be suppressed and weakened, but not removed. So falling back to square one can happen very fast.

If he is serious about quitting, I am afraid he has to quit for life.

Sadly many people don't really think of porn being harmful, besides maybe the moral side of it. So they think "yeah, sure, i've overdone it, my dick doesn't work at full capacity, okay. I'll give it a rest, seems to work, and then I'll just do it a little less in the future, since I am in control of this and how much I do it".

Every addict thinks, he can control his addiction. Hell, even I think I am basically cured. But when push comes to shove, the addiction is stronger than us.

PS:
Imo masturbation without porn after a successful recovery is fine, as long as it doesn't turn into compulsive masturbation. Personally I have stopped masturbating myself, since I only want to be sexual with my partner. Post reboot, masturbation has become much less enjoyable anyway compared to the real thing, which is my girl.

I agree with all of this. Down the line, I don't think I would mind if he M'd occasionally, as long as P isn't involved. Again, I've come to view it as a poison, and I don't think there is a way he could view it ever again without it being harmful to his brain by triggering this very real addiction. Obviously, I would prefer us having sex to M for either of us, but I'm trying to be realistic. I would love, ideally, if he have that up too and saved that aspect of himself for me alone, but I'm trying not to set myself up for disappointment.

I really applaud you and others on here who are able to abstain not only from P, but from M as well because you no longer see it as beneficial. I think that's true, but it takes a lot of strength and self knowledge to get there. Your gf is lucky to have you. I would love to see my bf get there too. As far as myself, I do most things in moderation by nature, which is lucky, I know. But while M is fun for me, it's only ever been a substitute for the real thing when I'm desperate. I would always prefer the real thing. For me that brings so much more. I'm glad to hear that there are guys out there who are getting that.

 

[tj]

Wow, what a powerful subject!  This P thing is really a bad thing, I've been married a long, long time and my wife was aware I looked at P from time to time but pretty much tried to ignore it.  I didn't go for the fast hard core stuff, more still photos than video, but reading here anything unclothed that holds a person's attention is P.  I am on my 55th day of no P,  and am noticing some changes just like what has been stated in other testimonies.  Thanks all for your candor, I am learning a lot and hopefully in time my change will be even apparent to my wife of many years and the smoldering love that the years have dampened will restart, this is my prayer.  Thank and bless all of you.

 

[dc6]

Instead of whether he plans to view porn again, I'd be curious what his response would be if you were to ask him what he thinks of porn in general. Has his perception about it changed? Does he view it now as something he'd want to do to pass time? Does he view it as harmful, or as something that's benign unless used excessively?

I'm always curious of the mindset of people who still plan to view porn after completing a reboot (truthfully I have always been more interested in why people do things than I am in what they do). I'm not sure if it's arrogance, or curiosity, or if they think that fixing this problem is kind of like resting a sore muscle. And that it'll be all good after you're healed up as long as you ease back into the activity.

The reason I am so interested is because I am very convinced of my viewpoint on porn right now. For me it is simple: I never needed this stuff if I wanted to masturbate. I used it because I saw it as something that would facilitate masturbation when I felt horny, and did not think it would be harmful in anyway. Now that I have seen a huge difference in my entire life since I've stopped, I am convinced that it is harmful and that makes using it idiotic. Like what I think the dictionary definition of idiotic should include is "doing something you know is harmful that has no actual benefit to your life." It's along the same lines as smoking cigarettes, but even cigarettes deliver a drug that helps people in some way; it just happens to hurt them in others. Porn has no benefit to me. I hate it.

 

[savingmysoul]

i hate it too.

Wish i had always hated it.