My Recovery Journal

RAMI

Member
Hi everyone! My name is Rami, and I?m 24 years old. First of all I want to apologize in advance for my English, as it is not my native language. I?ll do my best to express myself as clear as possible.

I?ve been struggling with porn use since the age of 16 when I got high speed internet at home. Started to watch porn occasionally, really thinking it was a normal thing to do. Things in my life really started to get worse in 2011 when my porn use went through the roof. I was using almost every day, multiple times per session. My relationship with my girlfriend took a hard hit since I started to become a bitter person basically, depressive, always in a shitty mood, complaining about everything and not taking responsibility for my place in life.I started to perform worse and worse at college, really procrastinating all the time. My social life was almost non existent due to my anxiety around people and for the fact that socializing just got me in a really bad mood.

In 2013 I came across with YBOP and everything just made sense. Since then I?ve been able to get a few good runs, even a 93 days streak from september 2014 to december, only to end up relapsing. Since then I really can?t get on track, I became a chronic relapser who just can manage to get a few days, maybe a couple of weeks before relapsing for X reason.

I?ve never developed PIED, but my addiction is getting really out of control, and I know It?s a matter of time for me to develop a porn-induced sexual dysfunction if i keep going through the road of porn. Every time I relapse, I binge on harder and harder stuff, It?s really scary. My social anxiety It?s worse than ever. I live in a depressed state almost every time. I get irritated very easily. I also developed a huge problem objectifying women. But the saddest thing of all It?s my inability to really connect with people, to love others or to feel any love at all. I numbed myself to all emotions.


 

RAMI

Member
Had several mood swings today. One moment I would feel ?normal? only to feel really depressed or irritated on the next one. Had some porn flashbacks too, but I dismissed them with no major problem, just trying to accept them through mindfulness. I spent some time with my girlfriend in her apartment, both of us studying for college exams. I have a big one coming on october 24th and I?m really stressing out about how to deal with all the studying I have to do and making time to read recovery/porn addiction related material. I?m going to meditate tonight when I get home to keep building the habit, and also because meditation really soothes me.

My anxiety was pretty high in the afternoon due to my fear and doubts about my ability to actually leave this addiction behind me. I relapsed so many times that starting all over again generates this overwhelming anxiety and fear. It?s really a vicious cycle of feeling depressed, anxious, fearful that leads to wanting to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and binge on porn, to starting the reboot over again, only to feel depressed, anxious, fearful...
 

Alexis

Member
Good luck with your reboot,  man!

You should really appreciate the presence of your girl, even if she doesn't know about your ailment. See her as the only, sole sorcery of your sex life.  It makes rebooting and healing so much more bearable.  Don't be afraid of sex with her, it won't set you back, on the contrary. Rewiring is sooo much underestimated.

And, by the way, your English is excellent?
 

RAMI

Member
Alexis said:
Good luck with your reboot,  man!

You should really appreciate the presence of your girl, even if she doesn't know about your ailment. See her as the only, sole sorcery of your sex life.  It makes rebooting and healing so much more bearable.  Don't be afraid of sex with her, it won't set you back, on the contrary. Rewiring is sooo much underestimated.

And, by the way, your English is excellent?

Thanks for your words, Alexis! Yeah, she's an amazing person and I love her so much. She knows that I've been dealing with porn and smoking for quite some time, and she was very supportive about It when I told her.

Sex is subject that worries me sometimes, even though I don?t have problems to get and maintain erections, since the beginning of my reboot I always felt that It was slowing me down on my recovery. Maybe I need to change my mindset about that.
 

RAMI

Member
Had intense cravings yesterday afternoon/evening after leaving my girlfriend?s apartment and knowing that I?ll be all by myself in mine. Thoughts of buying a pack of cigs and watch porn ran through my mind on my way home. I let the urges be and didn?t give in. Got home, meditate and did some cleaning. No huge problems after that.

This morning I really needed to study, but I couldn?t concentrate for two minutes straight, which generated feelings of anxiety that bothered me for a while. I decided to meditate and see if It could calm me down a bit, then I did some strength workout followed by a cold shower. Had some intrusive porn thoughts after that, but not as intense as the ones of yesterday.

Feeling a little less depress overall, but I think is due to the exercising and the meditation.
 

RAMI

Member
Relapsed. PMOed once yesterday and twice today late night, in top of that, I smoked a lot of cigarettes while I was binging. This stuff is killing me. Feeling pretty hopeless. Having the proper mindset to leaving this porn addiction behind is really hard, even more after a relapse. To be honest, I?m completely lost about how to deal with all of this. Don?t know what the hell I am doing wrong. Tried everything I could since I started this thing, done tons of reading about porn adicction, about personal growth, reading people's stories, but I never seem to be able to make the actual leap and move forward. Something is missing in this puzzle and I don't know what the hell is.

In the morning I?m going back to my hometown for a couple a days, hoping that being around my family helps me out. Gotta a lots of study to do too, so I need to shake this off as soon as possible and get my shit together to be able to function at least barely right.
 

Hablablos

Active Member
Hello Rami and welcome to RebootNation.

From your journal it seems to me that you are affraid to give up this porn addiction. I know it's really hard to do the steps to the unknown, but it can be done. When it comes to things we fear, there are basically 2 types of fear. Fear that paralyze us or fear that pushes us up. Unless you give up on yourself, you will get out of this addiction sooner or later.

Tell me, did you consider installing web filters? Because it would be much harder to get to porn. Zaraki made a post in his journal http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=6095.0 , where he describes effective way how to block most of the porn. And you could give passwords to you girlfriend.

Alexis told you not to be affraid to have sex. I have nothing against that, but if you are not sure, that you can do it, you can always do the small things like talk to each other, cuddle, go out and so on. Those things should help too.

I want to ask, what things you do besides studying? Do you have any other hobbies like running or working out? Because if you keep yourself busy, you won't think about porn that much. I found great article about hobbies: http://www.kratosguide.com/16-habits-you-should-do-every-day/ . But when you start to any of them, the best method how to learn anything new is method of small steps. It's also known as Kaizen.

Don't worry, your english is great. I think it's even better than mine.  :)
 

RAMI

Member
Hablablos said:
Hello Rami and welcome to RebootNation.

From your journal it seems to me that you are affraid to give up this porn addiction. I know it's really hard to do the steps to the unknown, but it can be done. When it comes to things we fear, there are basically 2 types of fear. Fear that paralyze us or fear that pushes us up. Unless you give up on yourself, you will get out of this addiction sooner or later.

Tell me, did you consider installing web filters? Because it would be much harder to get to porn. Zaraki made a post in his journal http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=6095.0 , where he describes effective way how to block most of the porn. And you could give passwords to you girlfriend.

Alexis told you not to be affraid to have sex. I have nothing against that, but if you are not sure, that you can do it, you can always do the small things like talk to each other, cuddle, go out and so on. Those things should help too.

I want to ask, what things you do besides studying? Do you have any other hobbies like running or working out? Because if you keep yourself busy, you won't think about porn that much. I found great article about hobbies: http://www.kratosguide.com/16-habits-you-should-do-every-day/ . But when you start to any of them, the best method how to learn anything new is method of small steps. It's also known as Kaizen.

Don't worry, your english is great. I think it's even better than mine.  :)

Hablablos, thank you for your words! Besides studying I really like exercising, take long walks, reading, meditation and playing guitar.
 

RAMI

Member
Relapsed today. Coming back to the city where I study is HUGE trigger, knowing I?ll be all alone, the physical symptoms are really clear, my heart start pounding, anxiety rises, a little tremble, my mind engages autopilot mode. The patterns of relapsing are very regular, almost the sames days at the same times.

This morning I woke up feeling really anxious and guilty, but I tried not to bludgeon myself. Went to my girlfriend?s house and studied a bit. Came back to my apartment but I wasn?t triggered at all, even though I was alone. I exercised, had dinner, and took a shower.
 

RAMI

Member
Ok, day one. Wasn?t too hard to be honest, I didn?t feel as much anxiety as yesterday, maybe the daily meditation is helping, and the fact that I didn?t turn the computer at all, only to write this entry.  I did some groceries in the morning, studied for a while, played the guitar and meditated. Went to a class and in a bit I?m going to dinner with some friends. I'll be updating tomorrow.
 

RAMI

Member
This couple of days went fairly well as I didn?t have severe feelings of anxiety or depression. Yesterday and today I?ve been feeling a little awkward in social situations, specially in places with too many people. Also having a very short fuse this days, feeling very irritable. I try not to dwell too much on this symptoms, because at the end of the day it?s the price I have to pay to be able to live the life I want. I?m trying to change my mindset about withdrawal symptoms and seeing them as changes being made inside my brain that are going to make me stronger in the future.
Spending time with my girlfriend, exercising, meditation and music are incredibly helpful if I?m having a hard time dealing with emotions.
 

RAMI

Member
Hey guys, catching up here with the journal. I went on a trip for the weekend and came home yesterday, didn?t have much trouble besides being a little irritable and some issues with staring at girls bodies, which really upsets me.

Had sex with my girlfriend twice and haven?t felt the chaser yet, I think it?s a good sign, but it?s too early to tell.

Anxiety and depression symptoms were almost non-existant for the last few days, but since this journey it?s really rollercoaster I?m trying to be prepared when they hit me again, in the meantime I?m trying to enjoy the moments of calm and clarity as much as I can.
 

RAMI

Member
Feeling pretty depressed today. Everything was right until this afternoon when I started to feel really anxious while taking a walk, I had the feeling of being observed the whole time, it sucked. Came home and depression kicks in, along with lethargy and brain fog. Couldn?t concentrate to read even half a page. I know that all of this is normal, so I try to not make a big deal about it, I just needed to get things out of my chest and not keeping them for myself.
 

RAMI

Member
The last two days were tough in terms of mood swings. Stability in the morning, and a terrible depression and irritability in the afternoon. I got into a fight with my girlfriend for a silly thing, which led to cravings in the afternoon, didn't give in to them though. The reality is that porn is never going to satisfy me, if I give in to the cravings I?m always going to want more, it?s a never stop situation. I?ll rather choose not to make room for this in my life and focus on the things that I now are going to help improve my life.
 

Hablablos

Active Member
Hello RAMI,

you are doing great! I know mood swings are very uncomfortable, but they will pass. You just need to hold on.
 

RAMI

Member
It?s been awhile since the last post. Man, this is getting tough, I?m not able to pass the two weeks mark and it?s really frustrating. It?s hard to find the right mindset and the motivation to grow out of addiction, even knowing that this thing is destroying me at a very deep level I can?t make much progress. I have a couple of days that I?m in the right mindset and I end up relapsing again a few days later. Always is ?the last time?, such a bullshit idea. The depression is worse and worse every time. Seeing my entire social circle making progress with their lives, specially m? GF, who is finishing med school, makes me really sad. Don?t get me wrong, I?m really happy for her, but knowing that I?ve been stuck for so many years and she is clueless about it, makes the depression worse.

I know I?m ranting here. But I came to the conclusion that I?m a wimpy, immature boy. A pussy, basically, who can?t put his shit together and moving on with life.
 

Hablablos

Active Member
Hi Rami,

Tell me why should you be an immature boy or a pussy? Because you discovered you are suffering from addiction and you want to beat it? You are ahead fo tons of people who doesn't even know that. Sure it's hard fight, because you are fighting with yourself. And that is always the toughest fight. Also I recommend this article: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.msg86535#msg86535

You are looking for the motivation? Here is good answer: http://i.imgur.com/sM00I9Q.png

Instead choose habits, if you didn't do that already and do them every day. Don't look for excuses and force yourself to it if you have to. Because at those moments you are training your willpower. And you will need willpower not just for beating this addiction, but for your life as well.

By the way how did you managed in your exam, if it's not a secret?
 
Hey Rami, if leaving P and MO at once is too hard for you, then leave P first, and continue to MO. Reduce the times you MO as much as you can, even if thats every 2 or 3 days, try to beat your last mark. Dont consider MO as relapse, but to intentionally watch P, or PMO.

Keep up the good work, you can do it.
 

RAMI

Member
Thank you Hablabos and YerbaMate for your encouragement! I needed to rant a little and get things out of my chest. I had a couple of rough days after relapsing, but I?m a bit better now.

Hablablos said:
Also I recommend this article: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.msg86535#msg86535
 

I read that article a couple of times before, it?s a great one that everyone who?s trying to grow out of addiction should read.

Hablablos said:
You are looking for the motivation? Here is good answer: http://i.imgur.com/sM00I9Q.png

Instead choose habits, if you didn't do that already and do them every day. Don't look for excuses and force yourself to it if you have to. Because at those moments you are training your willpower. And you will need willpower not just for beating this addiction, but for your life as well.
 

I came to the realization that this is key. You have to be proactive about it and do stuff that fill the void at the same you?re replacing the porn habit with more healthy ones. I think the only way it?s to kick yourself in the ass and get moving, even if you don?t feel like it. For me, meditation, breathing exercises, working out, playing the guitar, are thing that fulfill me and keep my mind occupied. 

YerbaMate said:
Hey Rami, if leaving P and MO at once is too hard for you, then leave P first, and continue to MO. Reduce the times you MO as much as you can, even if thats every 2 or 3 days, try to beat your last mark. Dont consider MO as relapse, but to intentionally watch P, or PMO.

Keep up the good work, you can do it.

Hey Yerba, thank your words! I tried this approach a few times and it didn?t worked for me, the chaser was to strong after masturbating and I always ended watching porn anyways. The longest strikes I did were the ones that avoided porn and masturbation altogether, and when I stopped wasting tons of times in front of a screen, only using my laptop if I needed to get something done for college. This time I gave away my laptop to my girlfriend for a while to see if that helps.


 
Hey Rami, if you are good at listening to english, I do encourage to watch the youtube channel.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaEqbNJURD6ChROqueUdNuA/videos

Keep strong.
 
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