Whammy raised to the power whammy - The beginning of the Journey

[akpal2]

Day 7 today, haven't watched porn since that idiotic binge a week ago.

Did have sex using viagra last night. I will soon have to reckon with the no-sex period once my wife gets pregnant hopefully.

For now it is hard to even get an appointment to get her IUD out. But hopefully we can start trying it in April and she gets pregnant by June, as we are aiming to have a baby in our lives by next year.

It is when she will be pregnant when I will get a solid chance to go PMO free.

So far, the days i can avoid porn, they feel liberating.

And another thing, when i don't watch porn, i notice that I get hard to touch easily, and it stays hard for a bit. The day i even peek at porn, it gets much more difficult to get hard to touch.

Hang in there guys. This can be beaten.

 

[akpal2]

so, i have kind of lost track of time, but i have been away from P for some time now after that last binge. Did MO to touch

 

[akpal2]

restarting meditation today, but i find it extremely hard.

 

[zaraki888]

Hello akpal2,

I don't know if you are interested.

I was never able to do meditation until I found singing the hu mantra meditation on youtube. It helps me to focus to sing the word. No other meditation has helped me that much.

Keep going and take care.

 

[Phineas 808]

Meditation is like one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

It strengthens our prefrontal cortex, where our critical thinking and decision making takes place. It also helps to approach things mindfully, and not mindlessly, like when we're stuck in a habit cycle.

Mindfulness, as encouraged by meditation, is how we find that 'sweet spot' of space between a cue (trigger) and the behaviors that may follow. When we exploit this space, we make better decisions, and change habits.

There are many ways to meditate (I like Zaraki's approach!), but breath is so important in all of them. Don't try to force your thoughts to 'not be there', let them come and go like cars in traffic. Don't focus on the cars (thoughts), just on your breath, or better, on the awareness- the space between the cars.

 

[stepbystep]

restarting meditation today, but i find it extremely hard.

This exactly is the same for me. Just when I think I?m getting better at it, I can?t focus and have thoughts that distracting me. I haven?t gotten to that point, it is supposed to get better over time but progress is not linear.

 

[akpal2]

Been almost a month since my last update. So it seems to be getting better for me. I don't think I am strictly speaking "addicted" to porn right now, or maybe I am, but at the very least I am not heavily addicted I think. I haven't binged on any porn for the last few  weeks. I notice that I can now get hard just to touch alone. I had a painfully hard morning wood today, it hurt and when I stood up I can sustain it. I am still having sex with viagra though because it gives me a lot of anxiety. My change of habit has been that instead of beating to porn when I get horny I go and masturbate quickly to touch alone. Sometimes I will just play with my penis after rubbing some oil and not think of anything else, it feels good, lol and I just savor the touch. If I do introduce thoughts sometimes they have been of people i have known but I am not a big fan of bringing such thoughts in due to their injurious effects, especially to a recovering addict like me. So, in summary things have definitely been improving for me, but am definitely FAR from where I would like to be. I will try to re-introduce sex without viagra soon and see how it goes.

 

[recovery000]

Glad you are doing better. Keep going, we are on a long marathon. The struggle and sacrifice must continue in order to grow and improve our selves for the sake of our loved ones and ourselves. Your loved ones and the world deserve a better you. Good wishes.

 

[akpal2]

thanks recov000