Emotional affairs vs. "appropriate" friendships with the opposite sex

[Anna]

I am new here, just found this site this eve while at work, I have nt had a chance to post my story my pain nor my questions. However I was looking for the forum w/ older men and women bc I am 50 my husband is 56 we have been married for almst 25 yrs. I have not had a chance to read what all the responses were but I wanted to say that it was very honest post from you and that seems genuine. I want to speak from the perspective of the wife and just marriage in general. You are on the right tract where you are sensing that what you are doing is not healthy for your marriage. Don't trade your desire to be a honest man to relive glory days or sample what it would be like to be single again or married to 2 woman in parallel worlds. I think these are things we do to make ourselves feel better about doing what we know to be wrong. Your wife is there to protect you fromm yourself and temptations and I encourage you to reveal the darkness and bring it all out in the light. IF the YW looks at you fatherly or what ever then let her look at your wife as motherly or let her find other maternal role models. You must determine that you will protect your marriage and your heart and your wifes heart at all cost. I SPEAK AS A WOMAN WHO JUST FOUND OUT LESS THAN 60 DAYS AGO THAT MY HISBAND WAS BACK AT PORN AND HAD BEGUN SUCH A RELATION SHIP W/ A WOMAN ABOUT 20 HYRS YOUNGER. There has been some sexual talk amoungst them and a few nude pics, he claims that's all and that it was not like that in the beginning. I was heart broken but this was not the 1st time nor the 2nd nor the 3rd.. I told him I love him but I am tired of this and might leave him but I want counseling 1st so I can make a informed decision and besides In  need to save $$ bc I never planned on this. Anyway you are cheating on your wife so do not try to dress it up- keep the honesty you have w/ yourself and do the right thing- it's a cancer but you don't know it bc it feels good. he never though of all the times he has made me feel unattractive and unsexy when he views porn and has phone sex w/ these women. he was playing w/ other thoughts like doing videos burt says he never did.. says he never touched her.. but the bottom line is he knew what he was doing/thinking/*feeling brfore he started down this road.. he knew his heart wasn't pure and he continued on bc he was curious as to what would happen. he started porn the same month/December... I am so hurt and confused as to why bc we had a happy home I thought... not enough sex for me for last few yrs but he did it once or twice a week so I was ok but now I find out he was doing porn and having this friendship verbal visual affair w/ a woman whose last name he does not know and knows nothing about her but had wondered about sex w/ her. in the mean time I have been here making love to him giving him oral sex and always asking what he wants, was it good, and to please tell me anything everything even if it was unpleasant about me bc I wanted him to be free and happy .. but he never had complaints bc I was always giving , fresh clean and I am extremely attractive and look 20 yrs younger than I am.. even young boygs still try to get my attention nI have been mistaken for beautiful women like Hallie Berry's sister or Lolo Jones the Olympic hopeful and that other girl that was voted a beauty queen in Donald trumps beauty pageant yrs ago or something like that.. she became a actress and singer.. stuff like that... I am NOT bragging but I am saying when you are used to that kind of attention and you find out it's not enough or it makes you feel like you are not enough for the man... so do not do this to your wife nor yourself... did you covenant before God to be one?? then you are also hurting yourself.. break the addiction and attraction w/ YW and take another victory bow!!!
I can see you are a strong man...
... as for us well we are seeking council I do not know how much is porn related ED, but I/ am trying to learn and be understanding to my husbands issues but I do not know what all they are and neither does he he says... I am trying to help him and help my self and our marriage... I do not know what the answers are yet but we are speaking freely and he seems to be trying.. .. we will see

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Hi Anna -

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry to hear about what has happened with your husband. I am fortunate to have begun dealing with my addiction before it caused irreparable harm to my wife.

This is a good time to provide an update on my relationship with YW. In short, there really isn't much a relationship to speak of. I don't make any effort to contact her (and she doesn't contact me, which she never used to do in the first place), and I make an effort to avoid running into her around our building, which works pretty well. The past 3-4 times that we have run into each other around our building have just involved a smile and wave from each to the other with no conversation. I was out walking the other day and was about to cross the street when I saw her walking up the street on the other side. Old Me would have continued crossing over so that I could talk to her, but New Me veered back to my side of the street, waved to her from my side, and kept going.

I happened to see her greet a male friend in front of our building the other day, and she was WAY more excited to see him than she has ever been to see me. That kind of thing would have made Old Me jealous, and would have brought on feelings of depression and low self-esteem that would have triggered PMO. One thing I have realized recently is that my Ego likes to be liked, especially by pretty women. My Ego feels good when a pretty woman likes me, and feels bad when a pretty woman doesn't like me. It occurred to me the other day that a big part of my motivation for spending time with YW was to "get her to like me", not so much so that we could be together or anything like that, but simply so that my Ego could feel good.

As I said, though, I'm continuing my process of breaking off our relationship (whatever it was). It wasn't a friendship or a mentorship, and I'm not really sure what to call it. We haven't had a conversation with each other since mid-June, and I don't anticipate that we will have one again any time soon. We seem to have established a pattern now of not stopping to talk when we run into each other randomly, and neither of us is likely to request a get-together. (I certainly won't, and she never really has before, so there's no reason to think she will now).

I do have a few lingering questions that would be nice to receive some guidance on.

1. Am I handling this the right way by simply waving to her and not stopping to talk? I don't think she is offended, but she might eventually wonder why I never stop to talk anymore, given that I always used to.
2. Should I care at all about her feelings or what she is thinking? If so, what should I do?
3. If she ever does stop to talk, I will feel awkward because I won't really want to talk to her. Should I "pretend" to want to talk to her, or should I do something else instead? If so, what?

 

[LTE]

Hi Anna -

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry to hear about what has happened with your husband. I am fortunate to have begun dealing with my addiction before it caused irreparable harm to my wife.

This is a good time to provide an update on my relationship with YW. In short, there really isn't much a relationship to speak of. I don't make any effort to contact her (and she doesn't contact me, which she never used to do in the first place), and I make an effort to avoid running into her around our building, which works pretty well. The past 3-4 times that we have run into each other around our building have just involved a smile and wave from each to the other with no conversation. I was out walking the other day and was about to cross the street when I saw her walking up the street on the other side. Old Me would have continued crossing over so that I could talk to her, but New Me veered back to my side of the street, waved to her from my side, and kept going.

I happened to see her greet a male friend in front of our building the other day, and she was WAY more excited to see him than she has ever been to see me. That kind of thing would have made Old Me jealous, and would have brought on feelings of depression and low self-esteem that would have triggered PMO. One thing I have realized recently is that my Ego likes to be liked, especially by pretty women. My Ego feels good when a pretty woman likes me, and feels bad when a pretty woman doesn't like me. It occurred to me the other day that a big part of my motivation for spending time with YW was to "get her to like me", not so much so that we could be together or anything like that, but simply so that my Ego could feel good.

As I said, though, I'm continuing my process of breaking off our relationship (whatever it was). It wasn't a friendship or a mentorship, and I'm not really sure what to call it. We haven't had a conversation with each other since mid-June, and I don't anticipate that we will have one again any time soon. We seem to have established a pattern now of not stopping to talk when we run into each other randomly, and neither of us is likely to request a get-together. (I certainly won't, and she never really has before, so there's no reason to think she will now).

I do have a few lingering questions that would be nice to receive some guidance on.

1. Am I handling this the right way by simply waving to her and not stopping to talk? I don't think she is offended, but she might eventually wonder why I never stop to talk anymore, given that I always used to.
2. Should I care at all about her feelings or what she is thinking? If so, what should I do?
3. If she ever does stop to talk, I will feel awkward because I won't really want to talk to her. Should I "pretend" to want to talk to her, or should I do something else instead? If so, what?

IMHO, you probably are handling things well. The PMO driven brain probably tainted your interpretation of her friendliness and made you read more into it than was ever intended. Men misinterpreting the friendliness of a female is a pretty common thing and, certainly, something most men, even those without CSB issues, have experienced.

If you do end up where you have to talk to her be friendly but end the conversation as early as possible. I think that your current strategy works and sends the right message, friendly, but not too friendly.

 

[Gracie]

Glad to see that you are doing well in dealing with YW.  I remember that it was hard to let go.  Do not worry about what she thinks.  In the end it doesn't really matter. (An old Linkin Park song)  She is part of your old life.  The life where your ego demanded to be fed.  Waving across the street is good.  And good for you for not arranging to have a conversation.  If she talks to you, be polite.  I don't imagine at this point she would engage you in a long conversation.  And then be on your way.  I guess I would say idle chit chat would be safe but only briefly. 

This is good to hear from you!  You have grown to learn a lot about yourself.  I love that you identified it as Ego.  We all want someone to choose me.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

IMHO, you probably are handling things well. The PMO driven brain probably tainted your interpretation of her friendliness and made you read more into it than was ever intended. Men misinterpreting the friendliness of a female is a pretty common thing and, certainly, something most men, even those without CSB issues, have experienced.

Part of me doesn't like to admit it, but this is probably at least partially true. She is an extroverted-feeler type who routinely says and does things that make other people feel good. I tend to only say and do some of those things to people that I really like, whereas she tends to say and do them to just about everyone. So I likely misinterpreted her signals to mean that she liked me more than average, when she probably didn't mean to communicate that at all.

I spent a few years being really confused about this. On one hand, she was nice to me and seemed to genuinely enjoy our interactions. On the other hand, she didn't put much effort into our acquaintance, and she didn't seem to prioritize in any way. She canceled scheduled get-togethers at the last minute, didn't follow through on things she said she was going to do, didn't contact me, etc. I had a really hard time deciphering what appeared to be mixed messages, and once I began the process of trying to disengage from our acquaintance, I found that I was not going to be able to do that until I resolved the nagging issues in my brain and achieved some kind of closure.

To that end, I initiated a series of conversations earlier this year in which I brought up the things she had done that confused me and asked her to help me understand why she had done what she had done. While the conversations were relatively ?deep?, I did not intend for them to draw us closer together. On the contrary, the underlying purpose of the conversations was for me to resolve my confusion so that I could then move on to disengaging from her. She apologized and indicated that we could plan to spend (slightly) more time together (e.g. meet for lunch once a month) if I wanted to, but I was very clear that I was not asking for more of her time in the future but was instead trying to understand what had happened in our past.

We discussed the issue of expectations for our acquaintance, and what would be appropriate expectations in our situation. This led to her revealing that she did not consider me to be a ?Friend? per se, even though we have always been on friendly terms. This was a huge revelation for me, because it helped to explain virtually all of the things that had been confusing to me. If we were friends, she wouldn?t have done the things she did. On the other hand, given that she did not consider me to be a Friend, her behavior was perfectly reasonable.

Since learning that she does not consider me to be a Friend, it has been much easier to disengage from our acquaintance.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Glad to see that you are doing well in dealing with YW.  I remember that it was hard to let go.  Do not worry about what she thinks.  In the end it doesn't really matter. (An old Linkin Park song)  She is part of your old life.  The life where your ego demanded to be fed.  Waving across the street is good.  And good for you for not arranging to have a conversation.  If she talks to you, be polite.  I don't imagine at this point she would engage you in a long conversation.  And then be on your way.  I guess I would say idle chit chat would be safe but only briefly. 

This is good to hear from you!  You have grown to learn a lot about yourself.  I love that you identified it as Ego.  We all want someone to choose me.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

This is how I used to feel about my acquaintance with YW. I put more effort into her than she put into me, and I used to be sad that she didn't reciprocate. But now I can look back and be very happy that she didn't give me much, because I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Something YW-related happened last night that I wanted to share. I could hear her outside of our building talking to a couple that moved into our building 5 or so months ago. YW said something to the effect that she would get in touch with them soon about setting up another dinner.

This is the type of thing that (until recently) has always been a major PMO trigger for me. I have known YW for 5 years, and we have shared some nice moments. But here she is arranging a dinner date with a couple that she has known for 5 months, while not giving me so much as the time of day. I feel rejected in some way, even though I know that's not rational, and even though I am actively trying to avoid spending time with YW.

It has always been difficult for me to prevent this type of scenario from making me feel bad about myself, and in the past, PMO was always the coping mechanism I turned to in hopes of making myself feel better (if only for a short while). Learning new (and healthier) ways of coping has been a major component of breaking my PMO addiction, though I have not yet figured out how to prevent feelings of rejection from "getting me down" in the first place...

 

[Gracie]

Well does she welcome single people in your building the same way or only couples?  That kind of jumped out at me and I don't know why.  So maybe its a gut thing.  Make of it what you will.

It is hard to break old habits.  Maybe you should not listen.  She seems to be the one you have always talked about.  Is there a way that you can let go?  It seems she is always there.  One thing I know, she is not worth a relapse, she is not worth turning your attention away from your marriage and your wife for.  Trust me your wife can feel the attraction you have.  Stay committed and stay the course. 

She may be attracted to unavailable men. 

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Well does she welcome single people in your building the same way or only couples?  That kind of jumped out at me and I don't know why.  So maybe its a gut thing.  Make of it what you will.

She's friendly with everyone, but this is the first time I've ever heard of her really hanging out with other neighbors.

It is hard to break old habits.  Maybe you should not listen.  She seems to be the one you have always talked about.  Is there a way that you can let go?  It seems she is always there.  One thing I know, she is not worth a relapse, she is not worth turning your attention away from your marriage and your wife for.  Trust me your wife can feel the attraction you have.  Stay committed and stay the course. 

I believe all of this to be true. I've been heading in the right direction for at least the past year. I think my feelings were just a bit hurt to hear that she was having dinner with other neighbors, when she doesn't keep in touch with me at all. But I know that it's ultimately for the best to limit our interactions. I didn't think about her much at all when my wife and I were on vacation in July, which I think is a good sign. I only started thinking about her when I returned home, and starting hearing and seeing her in person. There's a decent chance that she and/or my wife and I will be moving in the next year or so, which would make it easier for me to not think about her any more.

She may be attracted to unavailable men.

I actually think the reverse is true. She said during one of our "big talks" earlier this year that one of the reasons she doesn't contact me (despite the fact that we live 10 vertical feet apart) is that she doesn't know how my wife feels about things and that she doesn't want to "impose".

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Well does she welcome single people in your building the same way or only couples?  That kind of jumped out at me and I don't know why.  So maybe its a gut thing.  Make of it what you will.

She's friendly with everyone, but this is the first time I've ever heard of her really hanging out with other neighbors.

It is hard to break old habits.  Maybe you should not listen.  She seems to be the one you have always talked about.  Is there a way that you can let go?  It seems she is always there.  One thing I know, she is not worth a relapse, she is not worth turning your attention away from your marriage and your wife for.  Trust me your wife can feel the attraction you have.  Stay committed and stay the course. 

I believe all of this to be true. I've been heading in the right direction for at least the past year. I think my feelings were just a bit hurt to hear that she was having dinner with other neighbors, when she doesn't keep in touch with me at all. But I know that it's ultimately for the best to limit our interactions. I didn't think about her much at all when my wife and I were on vacation in July, which I think is a good sign. I only started thinking about her when I returned home, and starting hearing and seeing her in person. There's a decent chance that she and/or my wife and I will be moving in the next year or so, which would make it easier for me to not think about her any more.

She may be attracted to unavailable men.

I actually think the reverse is true. She said during one of our "big talks" earlier this year that one of the reasons she doesn't contact me (despite the fact that we leave 10 vertical feet apart) is that she doesn't know how my wife feels about things and that she doesn't want to "impose".

@STR,

What I put in bold there troubles me. It sounds to me like the  young lady is not interested in contacting you and may have tried to invoke the marital authority of "wife's feelings" to get you to stop harassing her. It is passive approach to an aggressive request for more contact, but doesn't mean that if you were single she would be interested.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

@STR,
What I put in bold there troubles me. It sounds to me like the  young lady is not interested in contacting you and may have tried to invoke the marital authority of "wife's feelings" to get you to stop harassing her. It is passive approach to an aggressive request for more contact, but doesn't mean that if you were single she would be interested.

Thanks for your comment, SORP. There's a lot of stuff to think about here.

1. I didn't mean to imply that YW's comments about my wife are evidence that YW is interested in me and would pursue me if I were single. I only meant that YW is the kind of person who would not get involved at all with a married man, and would err on the side of caution and safety. I know nothing about whether she would be interested if I were single, and I didn't interpret her comments about my wife to mean that she would be.

2. That being said, until the past year or so, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether YW would be interested if I were single. I would have been interested in her if I had been single, and so I used to fantasize a lot about being with her. I'm horrible at reading people, so if she ever gave any indication as to whether or not she might have been interested had I been single, I never picked up on it either way. The only thing I can say is that we have similar values, have similarly curious/inquisitive minds, and have a very easy time finding topics for conversation.

3. I don't rule out the possibility that she would like to stop interacting with me, but it is not the case that 100% of the things she does and says are clearly intended to send that message. For example: she does some things around our apartment for my wife and I when we are traveling. This requires some communication between YW and I to set things up. (I've tried to get my wife to handle these communications with YW instead, but my wife makes me do it). I used to meet in person with YW to arrange things, but as part of my efforts to limit our interactions, I started communicating with her via email/text instead. It is during these electronic exchanges that she has suggested our lunch meetings in the past, usually once every 3 months or so. I do not initiate the lunch meetings, and I feel that if she truly didn't want to spend any time with me, she wouldn't voluntarily suggest that we meet for lunch. Another small example: her most recent text message after my wife and I returned from our trip ended with "Talk soon!" I used to interpret that kind of thing to mean that she literally intended/expected for us to talk soon, but now I realize that it's just the kind of thing she says without really meaning it in a literal sense. But regardless, I don't think a person would say "Talk soon!" (including an exclamation point) if they truly didn't want to interact at all with the person that they said that to.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not trying to convince you or myself that she "likes" me or wants to spend time with me. I'm just trying to provide more details about the nature of our acquaintance. I did not respond to the text messages she sent after my wife and I returned and am still committed to limiting our interactions.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Lunch meetings are business expense. "Talk soon" is something one would casually text or say in a business setting, especially if providing services.

Is she being paid or compensated for the "some things [done] around our apartment for my wife and I when we are traveling"?

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Is she being paid or compensated for the "some things [done] around our apartment for my wife and I when we are traveling"?

Yes, we pay for for the services.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Is she being paid or compensated for the "some things [done] around our apartment for my wife and I when we are traveling"?

Yes, we pay for for the services.

Do you believe it is highly probable that YW's hospitable nature and endurance with your inquiries is motivated by "she needs the job"?

When I go to the bank, the teller will use my name. I don't know this person, but it is supposed to make me feel connected and like I'm among friends, make me comfortable. I usually smile and go along, but we aren't going to a bbq together.

When I talk to perspective clients, I act like they are the only person I need to talk to that day. I ask permission from them to put them on hold. I don't just make appointments, I set aside time just for them. It does not mean I want a romantic relationship. It isn't personal. It is business. I am gaining business by tapping into a very subtle form of cognitive distortion of personalization. Everyone has some cognitive distortion at some level. When the distortion is out of control, one can interpret their very personal feelings as shared by others.

I am sure your feelings are genuine for you personally, but it is very likely an amplified cognitive distortion to believe YM actions are anything other than a business approach that employs some personalization.

http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/distortions.htm

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Do you believe it is highly probable that YW's hospitable nature and endurance with your inquiries is motivated by "she needs the job"?

I appreciate you helping me think through these issues. Some important points to consider:

1. We only pay her for the services a few times per year

2. She initially felt more comfortable performing the services for free, but we insisted on paying her because we wanted to create more accountability on her part to help incentivize her to do a good job.

3. We developed a rapport with one another (including getting together to chat once every few months ago) for at least a year before she started performing the service. It was only after my wife and I got to know YW well that we felt comfortable asking her to look after things while we traveled.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Do you believe it is highly probable that YW's hospitable nature and endurance with your inquiries is motivated by "she needs the job"?

I appreciate you helping me think through these issues. Some important points to consider:

1. We only pay her for the services a few times per year

2. She initially felt more comfortable performing the services for free, but we insisted on paying her because we wanted to create more accountability on her part to help incentivize her to do a good job.

3. We developed a rapport with one another (including getting together to chat once every few months ago) for at least a year before she started performing the service. It was only after my wife and I got to know YW well that we felt comfortable asking her to look after things while we traveled.

So you and your wife acknowledged, with compensation, accountability and performance expectations, the relationship as a business one?

Regardless of past "rapport" you (and YW) accepted those parameters/boundaries for this relationship going forward. This acceptance has been re-established how many times? (This would be the number of times she has performed services while you are away.)

I am puzzled by how offering money "incentivizes" someone that says they don't want money.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

It has been quite a while since I last posted anything about YW. It has been 2 months since we last had a conversation with each other, and 6 months since we last met for lunch. (As a reminder, she lives in the apartment 10 feet above me).

I can think of 10 or so people that I have known at different points in my life that I believe were brought into my life for a reason. YW is one of those 10 or so people. I have known roughly 7 women in my life that have dominated my thoughts for long periods of time. YW is one of those 7 women.

While I do not expect YW to be the last person who was brought into my life for a reason, I know that I will never meet another woman who dominates my thoughts. I believe that the reason YW was brought into my life was to help me overcome my life-long struggle with fantasy and ?pining? over women I could never ?have?, and now that I have overcome that struggle, I am no longer susceptible to making the same mistakes that I have made in the past.

I don?t quite understand all of the details, but one dimension of my PMO addiction involved looking back on the 6 women in my life (other than my wife) who had dominated my thoughts, and with whom I had always fantasized about spending my life with. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about these women and feeling sorry for myself, which usually resulted in PMO to ease my pain. My experience in breaking the PMO addiction has also involved breaking the habit of looking back on lost loves and wondering what it would have been like to be married to them. YW unknowingly played a very important role in helping me break that habit, and I am much better off now than I was before I met her. She has been a frustrating person to interact with, but I can now see that I benefited from having her in my life.

I feel like her role in my life is now over. As I said, I haven?t had any contact with YW in 2 months. I make an effort to avoid putting myself in positions where I might run into her around our building, and I try to act like I don't see her if we happen to be outside at the same time. I made a noteworthy decision recently, in an effort to avoid contact with her. I mentioned before that she has routinely provided a service for my wife and I during our travels, and my wife and I were recently out of town for a week. Rather than contact YW to ask for her services, I decided to ask someone else to help out instead. It seems likely that YW would realize that I snubbed her in this way, but I wouldn?t expect to hear from her about it.

I am not sure whether I should feel bad about this or whether I owe her any kind of explanation, but I don?t really care much one way or the other. My wife is the only woman I am accountable to in this respect, and she is the only woman I need or want.

 

[kaybee]

I am not sure whether I should feel bad about this or whether I owe her any kind of explanation, but I don?t really care much one way or the other. My wife is the only woman I am accountable to in this respect, and she is the only woman I need or want.

That was really beautiful to read. I'm impressed by your dedication to your wife and the efforts you've made to secure your relationship with her. You have my respect.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Glad you are making progress.

I'm around anytime you need someone to skip rocks at rationalizations.

 

[LTE]

It has been quite a while since I last posted anything about YW. It has been 2 months since we last had a conversation with each other, and 6 months since we last met for lunch. (As a reminder, she lives in the apartment 10 feet above me).

I can think of 10 or so people that I have known at different points in my life that I believe were brought into my life for a reason. YW is one of those 10 or so people. I have known roughly 7 women in my life that have dominated my thoughts for long periods of time. YW is one of those 7 women.

While I do not expect YW to be the last person who was brought into my life for a reason, I know that I will never meet another woman who dominates my thoughts. I believe that the reason YW was brought into my life was to help me overcome my life-long struggle with fantasy and ?pining? over women I could never ?have?, and now that I have overcome that struggle, I am no longer susceptible to making the same mistakes that I have made in the past.

I don?t quite understand all of the details, but one dimension of my PMO addiction involved looking back on the 6 women in my life (other than my wife) who had dominated my thoughts, and with whom I had always fantasized about spending my life with. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about these women and feeling sorry for myself, which usually resulted in PMO to ease my pain. My experience in breaking the PMO addiction has also involved breaking the habit of looking back on lost loves and wondering what it would have been like to be married to them. YW unknowingly played a very important role in helping me break that habit, and I am much better off now than I was before I met her. She has been a frustrating person to interact with, but I can now see that I benefited from having her in my life.

I feel like her role in my life is now over. As I said, I haven?t had any contact with YW in 2 months. I make an effort to avoid putting myself in positions where I might run into her around our building, and I try to act like I don't see her if we happen to be outside at the same time. I made a noteworthy decision recently, in an effort to avoid contact with her. I mentioned before that she has routinely provided a service for my wife and I during our travels, and my wife and I were recently out of town for a week. Rather than contact YW to ask for her services, I decided to ask someone else to help out instead. It seems likely that YW would realize that I snubbed her in this way, but I wouldn?t expect to hear from her about it.

I am not sure whether I should feel bad about this or whether I owe her any kind of explanation, but I don?t really care much one way or the other. My wife is the only woman I am accountable to in this respect, and she is the only woman I need or want.

It's amazing how sometimes just the right person comes along and we learn the lesson we need to learn from them.

The only woman you need to please is your wife. Stay the course mate.