Emotional affairs vs. "appropriate" friendships with the opposite sex

SlaveToRighteousness

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Your father's marital history must've had a profound effect upon your perceptions.

He sat down with me when I was a teenager to try to explain why he had done what he had done. I'll always remember him saying "One women isn't enough for me". He didn't mean to cause any harm in saying that, but I'm sure that it wasn't a helpful thing for me to hear.
 

LTE

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STR said:
Your father's marital history must've had a profound effect upon your perceptions.

He sat down with me when I was a teenager to try to explain why he had done what he had done. I'll always remember him saying "One women isn't enough for me". He didn't mean to cause any harm in saying that, but I'm sure that it wasn't a helpful thing for me to hear.
Yet another victim of sex addiction.
 

SlaveToRighteousness

Active Member
I learned a new word today, to wit "Limerance". It was coined in 1979, and refers to ""an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person."

Here are some signs/symptoms of Limerance, that happen to describe exactly what I experienced with YW (and with other women before her):

? Idealization of the other person's characteristics (positive and negative)
? Uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts about the other person
? Extreme shyness,stuttering, nervousness and confusion around the other person
? Fear of rejection and despair or thoughts of suicide if rejection occurs
? A sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs of reciprocation
? Fantasizing about or searching obsessively for signs of reciprocation ("reading into things")
? Being reminded of the person in everything around you
? Replaying in your mind every encounter with the other person in great detail
? Maintaining romantic intensity through adversity
? Endlessly analyzing every word and gesture to determine their possible meaning
? Arranging your schedule to maximize possible encounters with the other person
? Experiencing physical symptoms such as trembling, flushing, weakness or heart palpitations around the other person

Every one of those bullets is right on the money for me, and I think it's safe to say that I am (or was) a "Limerance" addict, in addition to being a PMO addict. The two addictions are related and feed on each other, in that my experience in being rejected by real women always drove me to porn, and my porn addiction made me less attractive to and interested in real women.
 

SlaveToRighteousness

Active Member
lte said:
Interesting info, STR.

Yeah. I always knew that I was experiencing something, but I didn't know what to call it. It's nice to have a label. I actually think that my struggles with Limerance have been my biggest problem, and that PMO was just a symptom of and response to that bigger issue.

Ever since I was 12-13 I have always had a girl/woman to focus all of my attention on, whether the girl/woman knew it or not. (In most cases, she didn't). I think this was a form of addiction, because I needed to have this kind of girl/woman in my life for some reason that I don't quite understand. As much as I wanted to have a romantic relationship with the person, there was also a part of me that preferred not to have a relationship so that I could pine over them from a distance, fantasize what it would have been like to be with them, and feel sorry for myself that I was alone.

I think this is all probably related to my "original emotional wound" that George Collins talks about...
 

LTE

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STR said:
Yeah. I always knew that I was experiencing something, but I didn't know what to call it. It's nice to have a label. I actually think that my struggles with Limerance have been my biggest problem, and that PMO was just a symptom of and response to that bigger issue.

Ever since I was 12-13 I have always had a girl/woman to focus all of my attention on, whether the girl/woman knew it or not. (In most cases, she didn't). I think this was a form of addiction, because I needed to have this kind of girl/woman in my life for some reason that I don't quite understand. As much as I wanted to have a romantic relationship with the person, there was also a part of me that preferred not to have a relationship so that I could pine over them from a distance, fantasize what it would have been like to be with them, and feel sorry for myself that I was alone.

I think this is all probably related to my "original emotional wound" that George Collins talks about...
I've had the problem myself, although I've learned to overcome it to a great deal as the years have gone by. Nonetheless, the roots remain and I have to be on guard. I can tell you from experience, it's a miserable state to be in. I've gone through profound emotional swings with regard to this problem. Apparently it's not simply behavioral either, but may have roots that go much deeper. There's a lot of food for thought regarding this subject.
 

SlaveToRighteousness

Active Member
I've had the problem myself, although I've learned to overcome it to a great deal as the years have gone by. Nonetheless, the roots remain and I have to be on guard. I can tell you from experience, it's a miserable state to be in. I've gone through profound emotional swings with regard to this problem. Apparently it's not simply behavioral either, but may have roots that go much deeper. There's a lot of food for thought regarding this subject.

I've spent (wasted) most of my life being miserable over this kind of stuff, even while being married. The good news is that while I didn't know the term "Limerance", I figured out a few years ago that I needed to change that part of my life and I have made a lot of progress. There have been a few new women that have come into my life over the past few years that (in the past) would have been candidates for my obsession, but I haven't gone done that road with them at all. I'm pretty sure that YW will be the last, but like you, I need to remain on guard.
 

LTE

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STR said:
I've had the problem myself, although I've learned to overcome it to a great deal as the years have gone by. Nonetheless, the roots remain and I have to be on guard. I can tell you from experience, it's a miserable state to be in. I've gone through profound emotional swings with regard to this problem. Apparently it's not simply behavioral either, but may have roots that go much deeper. There's a lot of food for thought regarding this subject.

I've spent (wasted) most of my life being miserable over this kind of stuff, even while being married. The good news is that while I didn't know the term "Limerance", I figured out a few years ago that I needed to change that part of my life and I have made a lot of progress. There have been a few new women that have come into my life over the past few years that (in the past) would have been candidates for my obsession, but I haven't gone done that road with them at all. I'm pretty sure that YW will be the last, but like you, I need to remain on guard.

This info explains a lot about me.
 

SlaveToRighteousness

Active Member
It was bound to happen sometime. After many months of no interaction, I ran into YW today while entering our building. I was polite but didn't try to engage in a conversation. She asked a few questions about how I've been doing, and I gave short answers and didn't ask her the same questions in return. We didn't linger, but while she was walking away she suggested we get together for coffee and said that she would email me.

She NEVER follows through on these types of things, so I would be shocked if I were to actually receive an email from her. It used to bother me that she wouldn't follow through on her words, but in this case, I will be happy if she doesn't email me.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

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STR said:
It was bound to happen sometime. After many months of no interaction, I ran into YW today while entering our building. I was polite but didn't try to engage in a conversation. She asked a few questions about how I've been doing, and I gave short answers and didn't ask her the same questions in return. We didn't linger, but while she was walking away she suggested we get together for coffee and said that she would email me.

She NEVER follows through on these types of things, so I would be shocked if I were to actually receive an email from her. It used to bother me that she wouldn't follow through on her words, but in this case, I will be happy if she doesn't email me.

This entry reveals a lot STR. I can't help but see healthy growth. It seems as if you've been examining your own emotions and parsing what is real and maybe imagined for comfort. I hope this is the case.

Early in the discovery phase, I obsessed over my partner in the same way you obsessed. I yearned for reciprocated love, just the way good codependents do. I absolutely exhibited "behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation" that is part of the Limerance definition and it goes together with codependency like peas and carrots in some contexts.

Limerance occurs not only in the formation stage of relationships, but the renewal of relationships. This is the "high" I felt when beginning the reboot. It is the shiver of anticipation when thinking about one's limerant object. It is addictive too.

I'm really happy for your new perspective. Beyond just fantasizing about YM, no one needs the torture of unrequited love - let alone enjoy it - I'm glad you are breaking free. There are more real and splendid things.
 

SlaveToRighteousness

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Thanks, SORP. I don't mean to indicate that I have everything figured out or that I am completely healed, but I seem to be on the right track. Limerance is a tough addiction to break, especially when you don't even know it exists.

While we're on the subject, one of the things I always used to do when feeling sorry for myself was listen to my favorite set of sad songs about unrequited love. The songs ultimately made me feel worse, but in some kind of perversely-appealing way that usually led to PMO. Giving up on listening to my sad songs has been one of the key strategies I have employed in breaking my addiction.
 

LTE

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STR said:
Thanks, SORP. I don't mean to indicate that I have everything figured out or that I am completely healed, but I seem to be on the right track. Limerance is a tough addiction to break, especially when you don't even know it exists.

While we're on the subject, one of the things I always used to do when feeling sorry for myself was listen to my favorite set of sad songs about unrequited love. The songs ultimately made me feel worse, but in some kind of perversely-appealing way that usually led to PMO. Giving up on listening to my sad songs has been one of the key strategies I have employed in breaking my addiction.
Sometimes I think you're an actor, studying to play the role of myself in an upcoming, and very boring movie that chronicles my life. :) I had the sad and sentimental music thing going on too, for a long time.
 

SlaveToRighteousness

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I am on the Autism spectrum, and display many of the symptoms/features of Aspergers Syndrome.

I saw a video this morning about how Aspies are attracted to intelligence, and how they are often more attracted to (smart) brains than to other body parts. I was happy to see this video because it perfectly describes my own personal experience. Just about everyone (male or female) that I have wanted to be friends with in my life has been someone whose brain was interesting to me, and with whom I could have interesting conversations about nerdy subjects that go beyond just mere "small talk".

Aspies can be so excited by intellectually-stimulating conversation that they can experience so-called "intellectual orgasms" that are even more enjoyable (and addictive) than sexual orgasms. This is pretty much exactly what has happened with YW, and exactly why I found myself wanting to spend time with her. She is extremely bright, and she is willing and able to share her brain with me in ways that most people are not.

I have realized, though, that while I am able to be platonic friends with males whose brains I am attracted to, I have had difficulty in being friends with brainy females without developing "more than friends" feelings for them. Now I know that I have had this problem and I know where it is coming from, I should be in a better position to deal with it.
 
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