Relapsed but NOT counting it...

Pisces21

Active Member
I know this is pretty damn controversial of me. But the other night I saw a pretty arousing image of a woman and I made the conscious decision, after hours of going back and forth- to go ahead and jsut let this one out.  Of course once I O'ed it was painful and I regretted it because of that, but i looked at this more as an experiment than a compulsive urge to just fap. It let me know that I don't miss fapping and Im at the point that I realize it's not worth the time, energy and mess

Most of all though, I realize the counter is not what truly counts either,and the relapse didn't really set me back much when fapping at 86 days; I am planning to not just quit for 90 days but for life - and while there's no 'set goal' I am planning to go for a whole year now - that's right, 2016, all of it, without PMO. While 90 days is a great thing to shoot for, it's not only to catapult you into a lifelong reboot. What it proves to you ( certianly for me) is that if I can go this long, then I can actually do life without this thing! The thought of this 3 months ago seemed impossible!

Another thing is, I haven't been completely hard moding myself during the reboot - I have been peeking (without MO) and I bet it's really been stopping some progress and keeping that little inkling. So I am setting for none now - dont underestimate how much even peeking can do to you ...

 

Pisces21

Active Member
The more I think about it... the reason Im not counting it, isn't because Im just being hard headed or defiant denial, it's just that it was hoenstly more of a lapse than a relapse into my old ways, it's not like I had been binging for several days following, so im not resetting my counter
 

gnein

Member
Personally I think you should count it. You looked at am image, then M'd to O.  The fact that you say you've been "peeking" is also a red flag.  I'm not saying you've made zero progress, but part of completing this journey is being honest with yourself.  If you've relapsed, face up to it.  Denial is a slippery slope, because once we give ourselves permission to deny something, more often than not we progress into denying bigger and bigger things. 

That said, I think counters are totally over-rated and over valued.  You're better off with a spreadsheet or something that can track your total number of relapses over a period of time, rather than just tracking one streak.  You'll get a much bigger picture of your overall progress that way.  That way, you'll see both the progress you made, and the lapse that shows you that you still have some work to do.

Yeah, I think you should count it.
 

klarson27

Active Member
did you sit in front of the screen and masturbate to the image?

Did you seek out additional imagery/video footage?
 

Pisces21

Active Member
I watched it while lying down on my phone on a fb page for it and yes I did seek out an image more afterwards...

You know, I believe I am going to restart my counter because I can see now that I really should...I am getting psychologicall swept up in 'how close i am to 90.."

Thank you gnein for being so tough with me... the fact that I can make it as long as I did, proves I can do it...
 

klarson27

Active Member
If the only thing you're using a counter for is to see a number pop up..

Then you should create a new one and input whatever date you'd like since it's not accurate anyway.

Maybe input a number that would show 10,000 days clean.. That'd be kind of neat!

You can do this.. but you've got to be honest with yourself.
 

Pisces21

Active Member
hahahah good point klar... I think I really did get tunnel vision and obsessed with just seeing 90 appear , reset it is..
 

klarson27

Active Member
No problem... For now focus on making it through day 1... I thought you were on day 3 or so???

You did good... Most importantly you're being honest w yourself...

I hope you didn't decide to use porn after deciding to reset your counter.. That train of thought would have been something like this... " I made it to 86/days or so and since I've go to reset my counter to 3/or 4 I may as well do it one more time before I really get back on the correct path"..

I have no idea if that's what happened w you but that's how an addicts mind would trick the addict into using "just one more time"

Get strong.. You'll get to 90.
 

Pisces21

Active Member
... yes.. yes I did do it once more before reseting. But it was only after a slip up and navigating to a certain fb page filled with arousing images and  yes I am aware that I am a true addict for having a brain thatd even rationalize it.. but here I am now back on track
 

JKLIVIN

Member
Happy to hear that you decided to "count it". Numbers are just numbers. I've always told people that a relapse doesn't mean you are starting over from scratch. It is a set back, and not something to be proud of, but it happens. What's scary, but it sounds like you've come to realize this, is when you try to rationalize the action. This is the addiction taking over. This is the alcoholic saying it's just one shot. Then oh, it's just two shots. Then oh, it's only for tonight. We start to make excuses and that's a bad habit to get into.

Keep up the hard work.

 
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