Ending a Sexless Marriage

lucidbreaker

New Member
Greetings friends, I'm new here. Let me introduce myself...

I'll turn 32 next month and I'm currently in the process of ending my 11 year relationship with my wife. We've been married for 5 years and most of that marriage has been sexless. Not entirely, but sex maybe 3-4 times a year. Outside of that, I'd say we had a great relationship. Best friends basically. We do not have children.

TL;DR: Sexless marriage, so I resorted to PMO daily. Last month, I found out my wife was hooking up with random guys from the internet behind my back for the past year and a half. She wants to keep marriage but still "have fun on the side." I say no, I'm divorcing and moving on and trying NoFap again.

This past year it got really bad, my physical affection would often be unreciprocated and she'd find little things to bicker with me about. I suspected her of cheating and one day I asked her about it and she reluctantly confessed. She had been been meeting random guys off Craig's List and Reddit for about a year and a half, looking for a friend, email buddy, texting friend, etc. She always complained about not having any friends, so this was her way of trying to seek happiness.

She ended up having sexual intercourse with 3 of the men she met off Craig's List. Two of them were multiple times. This crushed me obviously! Sex was the part of my marriage I'd been missing and she was giving herself up to other men!

At first I was betrayed, but wanted to work on the marriage. She doesn't want to divorce, but she also wants to "do what she wants" on the side. That's a deal breaker for me, so we are working on a divorce now.

But here's where I might have gone wrong.

I've been a daily PMO guy for a few years now. But before that, mostly just a MO guy. Every time I had to take a dump, I'd bring my phone into the bathroom and use the Alienblue Reddit app to look at porn. It became a daily routine. Sometimes I'd do it before my shower making it a twice a day habit. My sessions wouldn't last more than 15 minutes though.

But since I wasnt' getting any sex, I felt like this was my only option. After 11 years of trying to initiate sex, shake things up, try new things - my partner was just not interested. She has a very low libido and I have a high one. I felt like porn was my only way out.

But was PMO my undoing?

The constant rejection of my sexual advances caused me to be timid. I stopped initiating. I got depressed myself (in other aspects of my life too) I focused on my own personal development and developed a morning routine that led me to a spiritual awakening that changed my life.

I started getting up 2 hours early to meditate, journal, exercise, read, etc. It was amazing, I felt like a new person. I was also going to bed 2 hours earlier than my wife. We were becoming more separate.

I was taking care of my sexual needs through PMO and basically left her out of it. I thought this was ok. But could this have been my undoing? Could my daily PMO have been a reason why my wife no longer felt sexually attracted to me? Was it causing me to be too timid?

When we would have sex, I had no problem getting an erection, but would often find it hard to orgasm. My wife wasn't that adventurous herself, she would mostly just do the same three positions. She never did oral or really like it when I did oral on her. So sexy time wasn't that great, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

Toward the end, it got awkward. Probably because she was feeling guilty for having an affair and not telling me.

But now I'm moving on with my life and getting a divorce. I feel empowered. I tried NOFAP before, but failed after 15 days and felt like "who cares, I'm I am not getting sex, so this is how I will love myself..."

How big of a role do you think PMO played in my sexless marriage?
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
As someone trying to fix their own sexless marriage I can honestly say there is no single thing that takes down a marriage. It is a thousand bad decisions.

PMO is a bad decision. It is a poor substitute for a real relationship (including those you will have in the future) and self deceptive salve. To say this is the point of origin for this bonfire is probably wrong.

I understand the logic, outsourcing seems easier than fixing the problems at home or investing in the marriage.






 

lucidbreaker

New Member
SO Reboot Partner said:
As someone trying to fix their own sexless marriage I can honestly say there is no single thing that takes down a marriage. It is a thousand bad decisions.

PMO is a bad decision. It is a poor substitute for a real relationship (including those you will have in the future) and self deceptive salve. To say this is the point of origin for this bonfire is probably wrong.

I understand the logic, outsourcing seems easier than fixing the problems at home or investing in the marriage.

Sure, I agree. I'm not blaming or outsourcing the problem to PMO, I'm just saying this is the first time I've actually considered it PART of the problem. My wife's own depression and lack of motivation in life had a lot to do with it.

Another thing I've considered, if I never used PMO, I might have divorced a lot sooner to be honest. It just masked problems that were not being properly addressed.
 
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