Difference between SOs and Addicts

[GBS]

Read it all, Gracie. Very good for me. I am a 60 year old man. Reboot is for some about a discipline and will the penis work again. I speak as one who is worried about what I have done to myself, BUT I am not a self centred cretin and I am also accepting the shame and huge hurt. Not to be seek any sympathy but that’s hard. I deserve the pain of course, but it isn’t about levelling up the score - my dear and intelligent wife and I have discussed this for hours. My reboot (90 days plus……but I find the counting annoying even if I still stick it on my journal) is ALL about my brain change. It’s so obvious to me when my connection magically comes back. But that’s mine to her. Yay me….but hang on…..woahhh…who am I kidding? I magically reboot (not that hard really when you get the brain boost) but I appear from the carnage and expect to be warmly welcomed back to the marriage? We men have no idea what damage we’ve done really. And now, in our heightened state of being back to our old selves and euphoric from our renaissance, we have to grasp the nettle and stare back at the car crash.

Can I expect my wife to reconnect with me? And if/when she does, will she not have deep scars? Can she ever REALLY trust me again? The answers have to be: maybe, of course, and probably not. Am I depressed about that? I guess not depressed, but to move on myself and jointly with my wife there needs to be understanding of the will power. I mean that literally. The power of the will. Our joint determination not to brush the past under the carpet but to stare into the future together and not to stare back together at the abyss. These words may sound as though they come from a man who just wants an easy fix, but they are what my wife says too. I am possibly a very lucky man.

 

[joepanic]

Does addict only refer to "men"? The topic stated the difference between "addict" and significant other" but the who conversation zero's in on men being the addicts and ladies being the significant others. I am of a rare breed I am not giving up porn to get my "mojo" back. I never lost that in the 1st place. I gave it up for my own reasons. Those being to just all around be a better man and hopefully achieve more. In the 1st paragraph it was mentioned that it would be nice if more men were interested in becoming better communicators. Between my wife and I.... I am actually the better communicator. I am not afraid to ask the tough questions from time to time and always give a fair answer to any question asked of me. The other reason I gave it up is I don't want to support what is currently a very nasty and rotten industry

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Gracie]

The point of the original post was when porn comes into the relationship communication is changed. Women, from the experience in this forum, recognized the change before they knew the cause. Then when trying to get to “what’s wrong with thi relationship”, they are told nothing is wrong. Nevertheless we feel it. The best way to get through this time of “what the hell do we do now” is to talk. By nature, the addict is wanting to keep the porn from being talked about and the partner needs to talk. Women typically are the ones that keep the family going and they feel they have lost their partner to “people” that we cannot compare to. So we want a non- communicator to do just that. Talk to us. To us you have had this secret life and we were not in it. The ones that were were ones you chose over us.

Yes we have scars. Speaking for myself, I had my soul mate for life. Trusted him. 100%. Thought I was his one and only. Then it turned out I wasn’t. Hard pill to swallow. Happy hand sex was preferred to genuine lovemaking. We women feel that to our core. Will she trust again? Yes, if you earn it. And we do move past it, but I am always on guard because now I know I trusted too much. Never again. I know it can change in an instant. Love your wives/partners. We are here. Look how long you had your porn. Give her time.

 

[joepanic]

The point of the original post was when porn comes into the relationship communication is changed. Women, from the experience in this forum, recognized the change before they knew the cause. Then when trying to get to “what’s wrong with thi relationship”, they are told nothing is wrong. Nevertheless we feel it. The best way to get through this time of “what the hell do we do now” is to talk. By nature, the addict is wanting to keep the porn from being talked about and the partner needs to talk. Women typically are the ones that keep the family going and they feel they have lost their partner to “people” that we cannot compare to. So we want a non- communicator to do just that. Talk to us. To us you have had this secret life and we were not in it. The ones that were were ones you chose over us.

Yes we have scars. Speaking for myself, I had my soul mate for life. Trusted him. 100%. Thought I was his one and only. Then it turned out I wasn’t. Hard pill to swallow. Happy hand sex was preferred to genuine lovemaking. We women feel that to our core. Will she trust again? Yes, if you earn it. And we do move past it, but I am always on guard because now I know I trusted too much. Never again. I know it can change in an instant. Love your wives/partners. We are here. Look how long you had your porn. Give her time.

Again I really am a rare breed in that my wife new of my porn use and accepted it Not all addicts are the same not all partners are the same.

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Oscar40]

I wish I would see men asking how can I better communicate with my wife. How can I make her feel better about herself. Or men saying, "Boy, I really screwed the pooch this time. I need to help my wife." It is centered around, "Will I get a hard on after 90 days?"

There's a guy over there in the United States named David Ley. He once made a pretty negative review about these forums. and in part has reason. These forums have often become a hive of meaningless conversation and have trivialized sex by making you believe that sex depends on being erect, or getting very erect with 90 days of abstinence. Unfortunately, the objective that these forums should have has often been lost: emotional support for recovery and a place where people come here to be calm. These forums ended up making men paranoid and making them have a very poor view of sexuality and the functioning of the body.

I often try to make young men understand here that sex is not about a boner. As a man who grew up without internet porn and is now 40 years old (that's me) if there's one thing for sure, it's that you never get erect just by looking at an attractive woman, even if you go months and months without masturbating. The men in these forums are more concerned with an erection than with enjoying healthy and happy sexuality alongside their partners.

I have been visiting these forums for years. If I could rate the reboot community forums, I'd say this forum is at least the somewhat better performing one in terms of tips and resources. Just like the Your Brain Rebalanced forum. The rest of the forums are a door to frivolity.

 

[GBS]

@Gracie - I showed my wife your threads because what you wrote basically depicted me/us. She noticed I changed and she asked. I never confessed, it got worse and worse. She said you are so right in all you say. It saddened her a little bit to be honest, but it was good to share. So thank you.

Just bought Love you Hate the Porn which we’ll read together. Did I also see you recommended Hold me Tight?

 

[Gracie]

@Joe panic. I am glad your experience is different. If you read all the women’s threads, you will find that men not communicating is a big problem in wading through this addiction. If it is different for you and your partner, then so be it. And good for the two of you. I hope your relationship continues to grow and flow.

 

[Gracie]

@Oscar40 it is difficult with all the outside influences for young men and young women to understand relationship intimacy is not just sex. I started a YBR with the same name. No women there really so I went in the men’s threads and posted my questions and shared with them and they with me. It got a little Wild West for a bit. Gabe started this one and I have been here since the beginning. Hopefully others have gotten help here.

 

[Gracie]

GBS. Glad I could help. That is my goal here. Yes, Hold Me Tight is a book I recommend. We would read a chapter out loud each night. First one of us and then the other. We would talk about some thing while reading. And interrupt to ask is that me or is that you. In Love You Hate the Porn we used pens and starred parts as we went through and then talked about them. Good Books! Also the two of you can get great knowledge fro this blog. It is not a blaming and shaming blog but contains the greatest information! https://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/