Poppy
Member
Hi there, I'm a female in my mid-30s and only just recently learned about porn addiction. My story:
I first was exposed to porn around 9-10yrs old. An older relative of mine started giving me porn magazines to read. I didn't really understand but the pictures and stories got me aroused and I learned that if I stimulated myself I'd orgasm. He then step it up to showing me porn, which then evolved into him abusing me. It continued until I was 13, at which time I moved away. I never told anyone about the abuse until recently when I sought therapy for it. There was a lot of confusion, shame and guilt from that time. I couldn't reconcile liking porn, getting aroused, and what was done to me. But the bottom line was, the only way I knew how to get off was porn. I sought it out anyway I could, this was during the early stages of Internet so it was news groups, magazines, I even stole a porn video from a boyfriend and watched it in secret! The only way I knew how to get off is to watch and masturbate. When I became sexually active with my boyfriend I felt dead from the neck down. Like nothing. I was with the same guy for 15yrs and just resolved myself to faking it in bed and then masturbating in private to get myself off, like I seriously thought that'll be the rest of my life. When that relationship ended I started seeing someone else, sex was a little different, I think because I was older now, with him I would actually get aroused, would get wet, but the moment we started having sex (no matter what kind, intercourse or oral) there was nothing, again switch flips off.
I spent most of my life believing it was because of the abuse. I was pretty disconnect from my body and assumed it was that. I get hit on a lot, but the truth is that I'm afraid of men and so I disassociated from my body because I didn't know how else to deal with it. But then I started therapy and was able to resolve a lot of that abuse trauma but not the physical part. Which is when I thought that maybe porn is the issue, something that was confirmed for me when I started reading other womans' accounts on here. I believe I have an addiction because:
-I can only get aroused or orgasm by "observing." So watching porn, reading porn, even when I fantasize while masturbating it's never me, it's always like watching porn in my head.
-My "tolerance" escalated pretty quickly, by the time I was 12, regular one on one male female porn bored me. I was already seeking girl on girl porn (for a while I though I might be a lesbian but I'm pretty sure that's not the case). Before I started the reboot the type of porn I was watching was pretty out there, not going to call out any specifics as to not trigger anyone but it was very extreme. I honestly was terrified that I'm a horribly twisted and perverted person which was so tough because in reality I'm kind and caring and easy going.
-I'd masturbate as a distraction or stress relief, I remember one time in college where I did it 15 times in one day because I was procrastinating studying, even when I was raw and didn't want to do it anymore I still kept going.
So here we are, and if you're still with me, thank you . I've been porn/masturbation free for almost three months. I attempted a reboot before but relapsed around three month mark. I'm trying to avoid that happening again and hope that having this community will help. I find that the toughest time for me is around when I ovulate, I think it's the hormone spike, I feel like I'm crawling in my skin. Also at this point I'm also having what I guess I would call "wet dreams." Which is kind of upsetting because the images of the dreams are extreme, at least it's me having sex but the type of sex is extreme, and it feels like cheating but I'm not sure how to not have that happen.
At the end of the day I'm here because I'm so terrified, I have never had an orgasm with another person, and I'm so scared that I'll never will. Having done therapy and no longer being numb I realize just how badly I want to be able to share that with another person. I know that sex is a huge component of a healthy relationship and if I can't fix this how can I be in a fulfilling relationship? Ever?
If there's any ladies on here that might have similar experience, is there anything that has worked for you? And gentlemen as well, I guess, I'm not sure if the gender difference matters. I just want to know if there's any hope of this getting better? Will I ever be ok? How do I unlearn 25 years of this?
Thank you
I first was exposed to porn around 9-10yrs old. An older relative of mine started giving me porn magazines to read. I didn't really understand but the pictures and stories got me aroused and I learned that if I stimulated myself I'd orgasm. He then step it up to showing me porn, which then evolved into him abusing me. It continued until I was 13, at which time I moved away. I never told anyone about the abuse until recently when I sought therapy for it. There was a lot of confusion, shame and guilt from that time. I couldn't reconcile liking porn, getting aroused, and what was done to me. But the bottom line was, the only way I knew how to get off was porn. I sought it out anyway I could, this was during the early stages of Internet so it was news groups, magazines, I even stole a porn video from a boyfriend and watched it in secret! The only way I knew how to get off is to watch and masturbate. When I became sexually active with my boyfriend I felt dead from the neck down. Like nothing. I was with the same guy for 15yrs and just resolved myself to faking it in bed and then masturbating in private to get myself off, like I seriously thought that'll be the rest of my life. When that relationship ended I started seeing someone else, sex was a little different, I think because I was older now, with him I would actually get aroused, would get wet, but the moment we started having sex (no matter what kind, intercourse or oral) there was nothing, again switch flips off.
I spent most of my life believing it was because of the abuse. I was pretty disconnect from my body and assumed it was that. I get hit on a lot, but the truth is that I'm afraid of men and so I disassociated from my body because I didn't know how else to deal with it. But then I started therapy and was able to resolve a lot of that abuse trauma but not the physical part. Which is when I thought that maybe porn is the issue, something that was confirmed for me when I started reading other womans' accounts on here. I believe I have an addiction because:
-I can only get aroused or orgasm by "observing." So watching porn, reading porn, even when I fantasize while masturbating it's never me, it's always like watching porn in my head.
-My "tolerance" escalated pretty quickly, by the time I was 12, regular one on one male female porn bored me. I was already seeking girl on girl porn (for a while I though I might be a lesbian but I'm pretty sure that's not the case). Before I started the reboot the type of porn I was watching was pretty out there, not going to call out any specifics as to not trigger anyone but it was very extreme. I honestly was terrified that I'm a horribly twisted and perverted person which was so tough because in reality I'm kind and caring and easy going.
-I'd masturbate as a distraction or stress relief, I remember one time in college where I did it 15 times in one day because I was procrastinating studying, even when I was raw and didn't want to do it anymore I still kept going.
So here we are, and if you're still with me, thank you . I've been porn/masturbation free for almost three months. I attempted a reboot before but relapsed around three month mark. I'm trying to avoid that happening again and hope that having this community will help. I find that the toughest time for me is around when I ovulate, I think it's the hormone spike, I feel like I'm crawling in my skin. Also at this point I'm also having what I guess I would call "wet dreams." Which is kind of upsetting because the images of the dreams are extreme, at least it's me having sex but the type of sex is extreme, and it feels like cheating but I'm not sure how to not have that happen.
At the end of the day I'm here because I'm so terrified, I have never had an orgasm with another person, and I'm so scared that I'll never will. Having done therapy and no longer being numb I realize just how badly I want to be able to share that with another person. I know that sex is a huge component of a healthy relationship and if I can't fix this how can I be in a fulfilling relationship? Ever?
If there's any ladies on here that might have similar experience, is there anything that has worked for you? And gentlemen as well, I guess, I'm not sure if the gender difference matters. I just want to know if there's any hope of this getting better? Will I ever be ok? How do I unlearn 25 years of this?
Thank you
, I just answered you back at my post, before reading this)! If That can give you hope I had a porn-free interval in my early twenties and in those months my sex life really improved. Unfortunately It's been the only period I experienced that, so I can't say this time It will be the same, but I'm quite positive about that. Three months is a big interval, my first time I resisted only two weeks. I post here two youtube videos who really helped me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o. I think I found them here in the forum, but I' don't remember who posted them. Even if porn is my secret for now, and nobody knows about that, listening about the importance of vulnerability had been healing for me.