Getting beyond recovery

[Lincoln]

Hi everyone, I had been on the Reuniting site sporadically and when I made a recent post Marnia let me know of this great site. As I mentioned over there, when i first started looking into recovery there really wasn't much out there besides religious support and I was looking for a more knowledge based approach and am grateful for all the resources that are now available.

I've been struggling with this addiction for around 10 years, although I've had the addiction probably since I was about 13. I'm 33 now and really I'm sick of this addiction. There's nothing about it that is really beneficial to me. I get a momentary rush and the rest of the time I feel unfocused, angry, spacey, unorganized and so on. The longest I've made it was two or three months. I go a couple of weeks at a time here and there, but sometimes it's difficult to even go one day without PMO. When I relapse and binge it can go on for days, weeks or months before I can muster up the will to rededicate myself. I know this is a story that many of you know.

I don't want to keep doing this to myself. I want an out and I'm going to work for it. I've journaled here and there before, but I think I'll really need to stick with it to get through. It's sort of reaffirming a commitment, and making the choice to never look at porn again, to understand viscerally that porn is not an option. So, I'm at day two. It seems for me there are various weak points during recovery - from 10-14 days and then again at 2 months or so.  Sometimes I feel the flatline, but I don't always, and I don't know if that's strange or not. 

In any case I just wanted to introduce myself and say hello and thanks for creating this community.

 

[Lincoln]

So, last night I had some 'erotic' dreams, which is pretty common for me at this stage in the game. I put erotic in quotes because they were porn dreams and not really all that erotic, not at all. They were actually a little disturbing. Still pretty sure I was aroused nonetheless. So I guess no flatline yet.

I do feel a little emotion coming back, but not a lot. I can usually expect a bout of extreme frustration and irritation in the next day or two. I think this is just the detoxing of the brain and letting some of the chemicals balance out. I have to keep in mind when it does come up that going through this step is an important part of recovery and that I just need to get through it. Fortunately (or unfortunately - however you look at it) I'm not there yet!

I think during different stages there are different motivations that can be helpful to use. Or maybe it is a contant effort of 'something' and it is the effort that is more important than any 'technique'. I'm not sure. Some techniques do seem very useful at times and at other times not so much. In any case I want to use all that is available to me to get through this one. I've said it before so I know how fleeting it can be. So this is where commitment and constant application comes in.

for my homework I'm going to look up the steps Jeffrey Schwartz wrote about for reframing thoughts and behavior. I think it is along the lines of relabel, reframe, then I don't remember the rest.

 

[Lincoln]

As expected I was feeling a bit agitated this morning. I know on one hand that it's the brain rebalancing, but I sometimes wonder if there's also lots of repressed emotions that I've kept from feeling by using P.

After participating on some other people's threads I am feeling a bit better - perhaps a good use of those emotions. I'm looking forward to some clarity. It's been a while since I've had a good stretch, and I want this to be the final one.

I might be a little vulnerable today since I was up quite late working on a project. I know late nights can contribute to relapse so I've tried to do what I can to avoid them. But there will be times when I can't get around triggers and will just need to deal with them. I don't have any urges at the moment but I know from experience that they can come out of nowhere and take hold pretty easily.

I've been thinking that a lot of what can help to work against these things is preventative effort, not just expecting you can do something when it happens. Sometimes I feel like I need to be hypervigilant and other times I feel like I'm invincible. I don't think either state is particularly useful, what seems important is the work that goes into creating a healthy environment to grow something new. 

 

[vitam]

Lincoln,

I have been in a similar situation to you for some time.  I'm 33... struggled with porn for around 10 years.  It seemed to get worse and worse until at some point, I had had enough.  Still it is a lot 2-3 week breaks and then slipping.

Anyway, I feel your frustration, but I believe that this is an addiction that can be recovered from.  Keep at it man.