thecatcher4437
Member
Hey man, glad to hear your looking forward to the New Year. Keep moving toward the you from the wedding! Trust in God, too, remembering His power. Best of luck!
Fight the fight - from porn to purity
- Thread starter fightthefight
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fightthefight
Active Member
I'm doing well mate. Cautious but optimistic. I'm continuing to think that trying to cut porn and masturbation both out at the same time is a bit ambitious, so not angry at myself for masturbating last night. I think part of the problem, as I and others have said before, is that I can view anything as a set back and then am tempted to binge, or otherwise hold out on willpower as long as I feel I can and then watch porn rather than releasing the tension through masturbating. It's something of a necessary evil for me at the moment.
I'm re-reading a book about porn addiction at the moment which is interesting. Was reminded today how sex within a committed relationship leads to the development of greater intimacy and how sex is an expression of love. Whereas porn is a quick shortcut which steals intimacy from others - both the performers/models/couples and from those around me as a porn addict (I can't emotionally engage as fully as I would like to). Yet I have all of that intimacy to enjoy and look forward to in the future, once I am free.
So I'm staying focussed on why I am doing this and where I am heading. Seeking God more seriously than before too.
I'm re-reading a book about porn addiction at the moment which is interesting. Was reminded today how sex within a committed relationship leads to the development of greater intimacy and how sex is an expression of love. Whereas porn is a quick shortcut which steals intimacy from others - both the performers/models/couples and from those around me as a porn addict (I can't emotionally engage as fully as I would like to). Yet I have all of that intimacy to enjoy and look forward to in the future, once I am free.
So I'm staying focussed on why I am doing this and where I am heading. Seeking God more seriously than before too.
fightthefight
Active Member
A long busy day today, but feeling good. Had some great conversations with a lot of new people today at a project I've just started helping with. Felt a bit awkward at times, but overall surprisingly confident considering I hadn't met anyone there before. Porn is not an option!
fightthefight
Active Member
10 days. Feeling pumped. Been sleeping well the last few nights, making sure I get to bed before 11 (need to turn laptop off now). Got some friends coming to visit this weekend. Praising God for His goodness each day. Porn is not an option!
timetorestart
Member
fightthefight, I am impressed. I am on Day 3 and it is killing me. I take inspiration from guys like you so keep it up so I can continue to derive inspiration from you. God is gracious to give us this chance.
fightthefight
Active Member
timetorestart said:
Keep going mate. It's been a real journey for me, and I realise that I am still only just beginning really. 3 days is great! Every day you go without porn is a victory! Every decision you make not to entertain it, but to choose the right path is a victory. It is hard, but it is so worth it. The reward far outweighs the cost.
fightthefight
Active Member
15 days. Been feeling pretty wired the last few days. I'm seeing attractive women everywhere and it's not a good thing. My mind is just thinking about girls and sex a lot. Often not graphically, just random thoughts and seeing women and thinking "wow she's hot!" etc. I've been masturbating every day for the last 3 days too. It felt like it was either that or watch porn, so it was the lesser of two evils. I did (and still do) intend on keeping MO to about once a week or less, but right now getting that physical release seems to keep the real hard temptations at bay for another day or so.
Really desire a relationship now. I know I'm not quite ready yet though (not only because of this journey, but also my finances are a mess and I don't really have a permanent place to live as yet - still living with a friend). There was a girl at church that I got speaking to before Christmas and had been wanting to get to know her better this year, but it turns out she has just got into a relationship with a guy who is totally different from me. Seems I misjudged her personality. I was disappointed when I found out though - in my mind, I had thought we'd get to know each other this year and maybe something would develop. The thought of getting into a relationship this year was keeping me motivated.
Going to stick to the plan regardless. As I said in my last post, the benefits far outweigh the costs. Romance or no romance, porn has no place in my life anymore!
Really desire a relationship now. I know I'm not quite ready yet though (not only because of this journey, but also my finances are a mess and I don't really have a permanent place to live as yet - still living with a friend). There was a girl at church that I got speaking to before Christmas and had been wanting to get to know her better this year, but it turns out she has just got into a relationship with a guy who is totally different from me. Seems I misjudged her personality. I was disappointed when I found out though - in my mind, I had thought we'd get to know each other this year and maybe something would develop. The thought of getting into a relationship this year was keeping me motivated.
Going to stick to the plan regardless. As I said in my last post, the benefits far outweigh the costs. Romance or no romance, porn has no place in my life anymore!
lyon03
Respected Member
Thanks for sharing brother. Have you considered (or tried) a hard reboot (no MO)? I remember reading somewhere that we should quit all of our addictions at the same time because, after all, withdrawal is withdrawal. In my case, I chose to give up several addictions at once: porn, masturbation, and TV. Admittedly, I have an easier time of it because I'm in a relationship and have sex about 1-2 times a week. Even with the sex, hard mode almost killed me and just last week my recovering brain rewarded me with blinding migraines. But I fought through it. By giving up both P and the MO, I relearned a degree of impulse control I would have never thought possible. Just a question my friend. No judging, just caring. I look forward to following your journey. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
fightthefight
Active Member
An update on life in the last couple months: I spent a while thinking I was ok and then relapsing hard for several weeks. My pastor suggested I get a smartphone and enable restrictions (I've avoided them thus far for fear of "porn in the pocket" which would be even more tempting than on my laptop as it would be with me everywhere! I went ahead and bought a second hand iphone, but procrastinated for a couple of weeks and didn't put restrictions on. Inevitably I relapsed several times. I got sick of this and went to see a friend 3 weeks ago about this.
I handed my (unfiltered) laptop to him - I can only borrow it when I need it - and hot him to disable Safari from iOS and put a restrictions passcode on it. I installed a browser app called Accoubtable2You which monitors Internet usage and emails a chosen person if there are any fishy sites. I scrapped any apps with built in browsers (including Facebook and Gmail apps). I disabled the App Store on my phone - I can only access it if I have the restrictions passcode.
So I've locked my phone down and taken away unfiltered Internet. I'm bot sure yet whether I'll go back to having my laptop back or not - maybe when I am better. This may seem restrictive but it is liberating to be able to have Internet use but without temptations to look at porn whenever I am feeling lonely or bored or tired or horny! I don't really miss my laptop.
Almost straight away my desire to start finding real women instead increased. I went on a date last Friday for the first time in about 9 months! We are hoping to meet up again too. This is only another step in the journey - it's been a long one so far and I'm under no illusions that I am ok now. I know the desire is still there - I've just cut off the means of access. I am hoping to build a better life though and change the underlying patterns. I can only do this with God's help - He has been the one who had kept me going this far and has continued to challenge and change me, so that I am no longer satisfied with porn and lust.
Keep fighting the good fight all!
I handed my (unfiltered) laptop to him - I can only borrow it when I need it - and hot him to disable Safari from iOS and put a restrictions passcode on it. I installed a browser app called Accoubtable2You which monitors Internet usage and emails a chosen person if there are any fishy sites. I scrapped any apps with built in browsers (including Facebook and Gmail apps). I disabled the App Store on my phone - I can only access it if I have the restrictions passcode.
So I've locked my phone down and taken away unfiltered Internet. I'm bot sure yet whether I'll go back to having my laptop back or not - maybe when I am better. This may seem restrictive but it is liberating to be able to have Internet use but without temptations to look at porn whenever I am feeling lonely or bored or tired or horny! I don't really miss my laptop.
Almost straight away my desire to start finding real women instead increased. I went on a date last Friday for the first time in about 9 months! We are hoping to meet up again too. This is only another step in the journey - it's been a long one so far and I'm under no illusions that I am ok now. I know the desire is still there - I've just cut off the means of access. I am hoping to build a better life though and change the underlying patterns. I can only do this with God's help - He has been the one who had kept me going this far and has continued to challenge and change me, so that I am no longer satisfied with porn and lust.
Keep fighting the good fight all!
M
mtaha2015
Guest
any update ?
fightthefight
Active Member
I would like to write an update on my journey, now I am in my mid 30s.
Frankly, looking back at some of my posts here, I am a bit embarrassed about a lot of my naivety, but I suppose that is not surprising given my age and lack of life experience at the time.
I am still struggling with this issue. It is sobering to see the timestamps of my posts from 2014 and 2015, and now to be posting on the same forum 11 years later. In that time, many things have changed but an ongoing on-off compulsive use of pornography has remained. For a few years I attended a couple of 12 step fellowships and worked through the steps there, but eventually concluded these were holding me back as much as helping (chronic relapsing was common and the "powerlessness" mantra became a crutch). I have realised that the whole "addict" persona has harmed me more than it has been useful. If I consider myself to be fundamentally different from everyone else, then it isn't surprising if I act like it too. Besides 12 step, I have done some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, discussed childhood trauma with a counsellor, gone for a period without a smartphone (using an old style brick phone), installed/uninstalled/reinstalled filters...
I have been sober from porn and masturbation for periods up to 7 months at a time, but at some stage I have chosen to return to the quagmire of pornography. Probably the most useful things I have found, fairly recently, were Rational Recovery/AVRT and the EasyPeasy Method. Both approaches challenge the 12 step powerlessness thinking and reject the idea that addiction is permanent. I strongly recommend that anyone who is stuck on endless "rebooting" considers both of these. Ultimately, it comes down to deciding that you want to be permanently free of this forever. There is no point in "going on a diet" as far as I am concerned. As the EasyPeasy approach states, this stuff is poisonous so why would it ever be a good idea to plan to ingest poison at some point in the future. It rots the brain, destroys romantic relationships, torpedoes any spiritual connection with God, robs men of their virility and is an unimaginable waste of time. I cringe to think of how many hours I have wasted since last time I posted here, either viewing or thinking about viewing pornography. It must be well as much as 1000 hours. In that time I could have started a new business, learnt several important new skills and enriched my life with books, music, creativity and friendships - rather than waste it on something that is damaging me and which I gain nothing from.
My advice to anyone reading this is think about what you are wasting - your short life - and quit today forever. For a lot of the time between my last post and this one, I hesitated and said "never say never". I would count days, have targets, hold out the possibility that I might return to it in the future... well of course if I am not resolute that I will never do it again then I will return to doing it! And "if I am going to use again, why not today"? We are literally wasting our short lives doing something that is actively making them worse. It isn't even enjoyable anymore.
One last thing: don't focus on what you are giving up, focus on what you are gaining. Focus on positive things that you can fill your time and your life with. Take up hobbies, take up exercise, learn some new skills, progress at work, join a club or hobby group. Moping around feeling sorry for myself was a big part of the problem, as if I am missing out on something. Compulsive porn use thrives on FOMO. In reality, it is the porn user who is missing out on life.
Here are some resources that helped me:
Frankly, looking back at some of my posts here, I am a bit embarrassed about a lot of my naivety, but I suppose that is not surprising given my age and lack of life experience at the time.
I am still struggling with this issue. It is sobering to see the timestamps of my posts from 2014 and 2015, and now to be posting on the same forum 11 years later. In that time, many things have changed but an ongoing on-off compulsive use of pornography has remained. For a few years I attended a couple of 12 step fellowships and worked through the steps there, but eventually concluded these were holding me back as much as helping (chronic relapsing was common and the "powerlessness" mantra became a crutch). I have realised that the whole "addict" persona has harmed me more than it has been useful. If I consider myself to be fundamentally different from everyone else, then it isn't surprising if I act like it too. Besides 12 step, I have done some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, discussed childhood trauma with a counsellor, gone for a period without a smartphone (using an old style brick phone), installed/uninstalled/reinstalled filters...
I have been sober from porn and masturbation for periods up to 7 months at a time, but at some stage I have chosen to return to the quagmire of pornography. Probably the most useful things I have found, fairly recently, were Rational Recovery/AVRT and the EasyPeasy Method. Both approaches challenge the 12 step powerlessness thinking and reject the idea that addiction is permanent. I strongly recommend that anyone who is stuck on endless "rebooting" considers both of these. Ultimately, it comes down to deciding that you want to be permanently free of this forever. There is no point in "going on a diet" as far as I am concerned. As the EasyPeasy approach states, this stuff is poisonous so why would it ever be a good idea to plan to ingest poison at some point in the future. It rots the brain, destroys romantic relationships, torpedoes any spiritual connection with God, robs men of their virility and is an unimaginable waste of time. I cringe to think of how many hours I have wasted since last time I posted here, either viewing or thinking about viewing pornography. It must be well as much as 1000 hours. In that time I could have started a new business, learnt several important new skills and enriched my life with books, music, creativity and friendships - rather than waste it on something that is damaging me and which I gain nothing from.
My advice to anyone reading this is think about what you are wasting - your short life - and quit today forever. For a lot of the time between my last post and this one, I hesitated and said "never say never". I would count days, have targets, hold out the possibility that I might return to it in the future... well of course if I am not resolute that I will never do it again then I will return to doing it! And "if I am going to use again, why not today"? We are literally wasting our short lives doing something that is actively making them worse. It isn't even enjoyable anymore.
One last thing: don't focus on what you are giving up, focus on what you are gaining. Focus on positive things that you can fill your time and your life with. Take up hobbies, take up exercise, learn some new skills, progress at work, join a club or hobby group. Moping around feeling sorry for myself was a big part of the problem, as if I am missing out on something. Compulsive porn use thrives on FOMO. In reality, it is the porn user who is missing out on life.
Here are some resources that helped me:
- Rational Recovery / Addictive Voice Recognition Technique: What is AVRT / Playlist of Jack Trimpey helping someone recover in real time
- EasyPeasy Method - also available as a PDF. Quitting/escaping doesn't have to be hard work!
I'm glad I've found someone else that has found EasyPeasy. I'm working through it myself too. I feel our stories are similar. Read it once, not certain I took it in, then relapsed for a bit. However as I read it, I agree with your thoughts - it frames 'rebooting' positively rather than labelling youself as an addict and feeling down, expecting withdrawals and longing. Ultimately, being positive. I've found EP to actually help in labelling it as an addiction, because I think it does it in a different way to rebooting / abstaining books and 12 step pathways -> it labels it as an addiction, identifies it as a problem, but seems to rationally identify it in this way and in doing so, allows me to separate myself from it, rather than seeing this addiction as a part of myself. Perhaps linking it to drug use also helps externalise the use.
Theres a podcast available online, I think it's called Powerful Eric, but it's about a man who had an addiction and now he talks about how he overcame this by seeing himself as powerful, after years of failed 12 step programs. I think this approach is similar to EP - it's about seeing yourself as having strength.
I am keen to have a look at your AVRT, thanks for sharing. Every tool is useful in this!
Theres a podcast available online, I think it's called Powerful Eric, but it's about a man who had an addiction and now he talks about how he overcame this by seeing himself as powerful, after years of failed 12 step programs. I think this approach is similar to EP - it's about seeing yourself as having strength.
I am keen to have a look at your AVRT, thanks for sharing. Every tool is useful in this!