My journey to restoration

[Gracie]

I think the issue is that our issue is our men have not chosen us.  They have hijacked our intimate life for a make believe life.  And when it is a relative that is part of that it makes us really feel we were not good enough.  In the beginning my husband said very mean things.  It was like he was possessed.  Those were the hardest to get past, and they still affect how I do things and view myself.  We have to believe it will get better.  But sometimes it feels we are doing ALL the work on the emotions of the relationship.  It is as if their physical recovery is more important.  It feels we are not enough or they view us as not enough.  For me it was like that saying, If God seems far away, better see who moved.  I wanted to say, everyday, if your wife seems far away, better see who moved.

 

[Objectified1]

Wathog, I'm  almost dumbfounded by your comment. And don't take this to be rude. But really? So that would make it better? Well at least it's different things he's attracted to in my sisters??? What?! How low is it to be fantasizing about yout wife's sisters for over a year while sleeping beside her etc. There are how many people in the world and he couldn't have at least respected that ?? And he didn't just whoops, Shouldnt have gone there, move on, kindof thing. Nope. He purposely continued it for over a year. What does that say?! And I do realized that porn and addiction can make us do things (make them) that they normally wouldn't or have change in Tastes etc... But when your fantasizing about something for over a year there must be something there that really does it for you. Makes me sick. It shows me that there's no limits for him. There's nothing he wouldn't do. He is obviously the kind of person who, if no one knows about it, it's game. His lack of concionse is downright scary. It's one thing to be fantasizing about people other then your wife but her sisters?! And for over a year?! Unreal. It really doesn't matter why he was attracted to them. To see someone as attractive is ok. Nothing wrong with it. But it's obviously crossing the line plus some to be then turning that into fuel for your orgasms. Full blown lust for, of all people, my sisters. I'm
Confused at how you feel that the thought that he likes other things about them then he does about me makes it any better ??? Anyway, my night was ruined. Of course, couldn't sleep. My day is already ruined today because it was there in my head when I got up. I need to read and pray. DONT play into the Devils game, but how do I do otherwise ??

 

[Objectified1]

It is well with my soul,
Here's my heart make it whole,
For you I live,
In you I dwell,
Oh my soul,
It is well with my soul

This is the only way to heal such hurt and pain. It is for my Lord and Saviour. I need to look to him for my recognition, significance, meaning, love etc. I cannot expect that my husband can give me what only God can give. I have to realize that any man on earth will not be able to give me pure, unconditional love as God can. God knows I am hurting and he doesn't condemn me for that. He sees my tears and he knows my pain. He is here to help and I need to constantly turn to him. He is teaching me. Through this pain he is teaching and leading. He is saying, come to me. Your husband, the world, no one can heal your pain. Noone but me. The battle is real. God give me strength to forgive him and not be hateful and bitter.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin?oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!?
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ?tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL80hXwyAac&index=15&list=LL0gtlvtafuxrOfzz8vglK1Q

 

[Warthog]

Wathog, I'm  almost dumbfounded by your comment. And don't take this to be rude. But really? So that would make it better? Well at least it's different things he's attracted to in my sisters??? What?! I'm
Confused at how you feel that the thought that he likes other things about them then he does about me makes it any better ???

Whoa....complete misunderstanding on your part.  What I am saying is that he is possibly attracted to the SAME things in them that he was attracted to in you.  That was the case in MY "problem". 

 

[Objectified1]

All 4 of my sisters? I highly doubt it. There are worlds of differences in the way we look. Sorry for the misunderstanding and thanks for clearing that up. That actually made me laugh....lol. Of course I would think the other way....haha.

 

[Objectified1]

These songs give me comfort. The only thing that gives me comfort is God. Thankful that I have a relationship with him.

I hear the Savior say,
?Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.?

Refrain:
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I?ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv?ry?s Lamb.

And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ?neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow?r, and Thine alone,
Can change the *leper?s spots [*leopard?s]
And melt the heart of stone.

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
?Jesus died my soul to save,?
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I?ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus? feet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38EVco7eba0&list=LL0gtlvtafuxrOfzz8vglK1Q&index=29&nohtml5=False

 

[Objectified1]

And yes, Gracie is so right. It hurts that he didn't chose me. It's most definitely much worse that it's my sisters. It feels like such a betrayal. I should be able to trust him with and around the people I love. I was telling him personal stuff about my sisters personal lives and I feel as if he took it and used it against me. You can bet I'll think twice before I share anything with him ever again. I used to share everything with my husband. Not anymore.

 

[Objectified1]

Haven't wrote in a while. There are some things I would like to make note of. First of all, because I have been subjected to my husbands issues and, in my opinion, mental illness, I have more or less become mentally ill. I have realized in the last few weeks that I actually have become an objectifier myself. Of course I am not Looking at women sexually  to get turned on or use in my fantasies but I rate all the women I see. I look at their bodies and not their faces. Some of The women, I don't even know what their faces look like. I am always looking to see what their butt, breasts etc look like. I am always on the look out to see where the objects he looks for are. I guess it's like always scanning for the threats. He claims he doesn't look and doesn't want to. He also claims that he isn't tempted anymore to look. We're taking about a compulsion he has had since he hit puberty and it's been a year since he supposedly started trying to stop and he is now all better? No, I don't believe it at all. I have to now heal myself. I have to leave him to God and I have to look for healing for myself. I need to pay attention to my internal dialogue. I need to be the master of my mind. I need To control my life and that starts by controlling my mind. He has already taken so much from me with this and I am allowing it by letting it set my moods and etc. I want to enjoy my life, I want to enjoy my children and I even want to enjoy my marriage. To do that I have to control my mind. I can and will chose to have the life I want. To enjoy the life I have. How much control will I give porn and my husbands poor choices? I will put in a full effort to not allow it to control me anymore. I need to make a full effort to love the life I have because it's the only life I have and it's a gift.

 

[Objectified1]

It's a great day to be alive and as Zig Ziglar says, "if you don't believe that just try missing one of them." Today I will make use of this day. I will bring glory to my God and creator. God did not create us to live low, deflated, defeated lives. No, he created us to thrive and be successful and that's just what I'm gonnea do!

 

[Objectified1]

I had a bad few days, maybe more.... Allowing myself to entertain negative thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I find it starts and before you even realize it your deep into some negative mind pattern. I want to be positive. My life is what I make it, I truly believe that. I am the only person I can control. I truly believe that. My experiences will be felt differently depending on how I percieve them and react to them. I tend to be verbally abusive when I am upset. I logically know this isn't the way to go, and I don't like making my husband feel crappy and as a result feeling crappy about myself. I love my husband I want to show him that. What will abusing him do to better the situation? The problem when I get upset is not that I don't think well, for the most part I don't think at all! I'm just in full blown reaction mode. I want to act, not react. When I am reacting I am not in control, I am allowing negative thoughts/circumstances to control me. I need to train myself to think, really. Not to let emotions take over but instead think, breath. And then ACT or maybe don't act. But don't REACT without first calculating the course of action. My life as a whole, I am just beginning to realize, is a reflection of me and my attitude. I knew my life is what I make it but not fully. Knowing that in word and understanding the concept is two different things as well. The mood of the people surrounding me can be greatly influenced by myself and my actions/ choice reactions. I want to be someone who people enjoy being around. When someone sees me coming I want them to feel relief. I have one friend that does that for me. She is SUCH an inspiration. She is positive, giving, loving, interesting, smart, outgoing, determined and when I see her coming the thoughts are always...... Yes! It's her! Oh I needed this! Some fun... Some enjoyment..... Etc. She just puts me in relax mode and brings a smile to my face always. She's never negative. Life is always la de dah in her world. I will work at trying to be that to others. My husband seems to be getting better and better for the most part. I feel bad for him at times, he takes my abuse well. Later when I say to him, because I always do, even though I know it doesn't "fix" it", I'm so sorry for bringing you down like that. I tell him, I know the Things I said are not true. When I'm angry it's so easy to paint you in the worst light and I'm sorry. He says it's ok, I know your hurting. And I say, it's no excuse. Two wrongs don't make a right. I want my husband to honestly feel like by choosing to marry me he made the best choice in the world. I want him to feel like I give him everything he could ask for. Even in the face of all of This. He took so much from us with his porn and fantasizing.... I doubt it will ever not hurt. But he says that he wants to give me the same. Why didn't he before? I know what it is. He turned inward, and when we turn inward all we are doing is thinking of us. Nothing positive ever comes out of selfishness . He became number one to him. He put himself above everyone and everything and indulged his selfish desires. When we think of others and put them first. Not only does it make them happy but it deeply satisfies us as well.

 

[pinkerton]

Excellent post Objectified1

 

[Objectified1]

Thanks Pinkerton

 

[J]

The problem when I get upset is not that I don't think well, for the most part I don't think at all! I'm just in full blown reaction mode. I want to act, not react. When I am reacting I am not in control, I am allowing negative thoughts/circumstances to control me. I need to train myself to think, really. Not to let emotions take over but instead think, breath. And then ACT or maybe don't act. But don't REACT without first calculating the course of action. My life as a whole, I am just beginning to realize, is a reflection of me and my attitude. I knew my life is what I make it but not fully. Knowing that in word and understanding the concept is two different things as well. The mood of the people surrounding me can be greatly influenced by myself and my actions/ choice reactions. I want to be someone who people enjoy being around. When someone sees me coming I want them to feel relief. I have one friend that does that for me. She is SUCH an inspiration.

Hi Objectified,

It's good to see that you continue to write your thoughts here. Specially during the tough times. There was this section of your post that made me think about some of my behaviors in the past. And respectfully not comparing, your anger in your situation is very much normal and you are trying to come to terms with the whole situation.

Me, on the other hand I would just blow up, and that was on a regular basis, for no reason many times. I would react. Then I started to see my own pattern, and like you realized I had to change my thoughts. But don't beat yourself up either, you know I admire that you acknowledge that in yourself and I think that's encouraging to everyone.

 

[Objectified1]

Thanks J.

 

[Objectified1]

So it's been a long time since I wrote in here. I'll be quite honest in this post. Hubby and I have improved dramatically. I see more of a difference in the last month or two then I have in the last 12 months combined. Thank God. My trust is growing. The pain is less although if I allow myself to dwell on it, of course, it still hurts. I don't think there will ever be a time when thinking of my husband getting sexual gratification from other women won't hurt. And rightfully so. He made a promise to me when he married me and I believed him. I trusted my husband and I shouldn't have been made to feel like a fool because of that. When I mention what he did he is remorseful, he is helpful and he is being increasingly more thoughtful towards me. He has apologized many times and does often. He goes out of his way to make it obvious that he is not looking inappropriately at other women. His effort to be thoughtful towards me of as of late has made a huge difference. He has stopped being defensive when the subject of porn and the things he has done come up. That makes a huge difference.
I have stopped writing and visiting the forum as much because I feel it is now holding me back if I am on here surfing, so to speak. I read the stories and etc and it gets me down. I find it depressing.... I find a lot of the men's attitudes depressing and downright nasty., not all but a lot. I don't want porn on the brain all the time. I don't want to constantly think of and be reminded of all the bad he did. I have to move on. So, for the most part I am done on this forum. It definitely was a help at first. It helped for me to vent, to get others opinions and to hear others stories. It helps to write out my story. I may come on from time to time to update if anything significant happens but I think I'll keep it to that.

 

[Tomte]

I'm glad things are getting better for you and your husband.

All the best!

 

[Objectified1]

Thanks Tomte

 

[Gracie]

I get what you are saying Number 1.  I too struggle sometimes.  A lot.  The reading and posting gets me down sometimes as well.  So many men do not want to include their wives in recovery.  But I always come back thinking if I can help one wife or one husband, it is worth it.  But it is tiring to see that the interest seems to be getting an erect penis again.  How do I not look and still get an erection. 

I told my husband after we started working on this, people use the phrase, "If God seems fear away, better see who moved."  I told him, "If your wife seems far away, better see who moved." 

If only the men would see that.

 

[Objectified1]

I hope that I don't offend anyone on here by this post. I am simply writing this to keep a journal of my moments, as I would put it. I mean no harm, quite the opposite, I hope to be a help. This was a message I wrote someone and I don't have the time to rewrite it all so I just copy and pasted it.

I guess I would like to share a bit of why I was going to stop writing on here. The overall mind frame of most of the men bothers me. I feel that this forum has really opened my eyes to what kind of men become or are porn addicts. You have given me a reason to believe that they can change. I  I guess it hits a nerve and maybe In a sense my decision to stay away from here because of it is hiding. I'm not really sure about that though lol. I see, overall, that the men who take part in here have very self entered attitudes. They are mostly immoral And immature and they feel Sorry for themselves so much so that there wouldn't be enough room for their wives to do it if they wanted to. They are turned inward... Even the feeling sorry for themselves constantly, it's a symptom of selfishness. It bothers me so much because I never really ever saw my husband as selfish. Oh I realized he could be selfish here and there... So can I. We all have a tendency to be selfish once in a while. It's not good but it's common. But this, to me, hits the height of selfishness. He took our sex life into his own hands and was lusting after everything else that walked and (in my Opinion) pretending to have sex with everything else that walked to the point that he could no longer be with me. Just to write that hurts, incredibly. I never realized he was that selfish. It makes you 2nd guess everything. How could I miss that he is THAT selfish??!  Another thing this does is makes me feel incredibly STUPID. How didn't I see that he was that selfish? How didn't I see what he was doing to me? Why didn't I pay more attention? I saw some things and stupidly chalked it up to his usual laziness. Now I realize that even his usual laziness was his selfishness. It's like I missed it from day one? What is wrong with me???Now because this happened behind my back for so long and I didn't know I am constantly on guard and almost always fearful that he is deceiving me onsome level still. What was he thinking when that girl with yoga pants walked by? Before it never really bothered me when attractive females were in our presence, but I had no idea how his mind worked then. Now I know. So now, it's always, is he wondering what she looks Like naked? Did he just look a little too long at her? Will he remember what SHE looks like later?? And most of all There's the fear of being "the fool" again. I was the idiot at home missing him while he was out looking and fantasizing at everything else. I actually just realized and continue to realize new ways, that I have not realized yet, that this affects me. I was missing my husband while he was at work yesterday and I was feeling Bad about it. And I thought why is this giving me such a bad feeling? It's because I felt like such an idiot when I found out what he was doing before while I was at home Missing him. So now, it's almost like I'm scared to miss him! I'm here missing him, but what is he doing?? Well that turned long. I think I'll write about that in my journal Today because it is a new discovery. In short.... It makes me think of what he is because of this porn thing, and it really bothers me. I don't like to think that he is even capable of that level of selfishness but he is.

I am thankful that God is changing my husband. He is changing and getting better, but I hate to think that he CAN and is capable of being what he had become. I have to remember I am as well....I don't understand it and maybe I wouldn't do it in the same way, but even if I see my flaws as better they are not. They are all the same stink just a different pile. I have to remember God is my all and all. He alone can give me what I want and need. This is so easy to forget. It is easy to keep going back again and again to depending on people. "Whatever my lot, though has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul." He draws us in through pain. He draws us closer in our pain and hurting. We connect as people through pain. We deepen and we grow through pain. Pain is necessary to help us see through the superficial things in life. The things we think we want but will only bring us pleasure, selfish pleasure and won't ultimately be good or deeply satisfying. I guess one of those things could be porn. Many things are like that in the world. God help me to keep him ever before me. The Lord Jesus Christ humbled himself and became a man. He came to this earth from heaven. For me. For us. He paid for this sin that I am suffering for now and he paid for all the sins I commit. I owe it to him to leave it to God.I need to leave it to God and to say in my heart, Thank you God for forgiving my husband for what he has done to me and than you for leading me through it. God has forgiven him, who am I to hold it against him? Am I to tell God that he is wrong ? By harbouring a bitter resentful attitude that is ultimately what I am saying to God. I am saying "God, YOU may forgive him, but I disagree. That is not the correct path to take." God's way's are always higher. God grieves for us. When we do things wrong or when we reject him or his ways he grieves. Not because we have hurt him but because he realizes the happiness we forfeit with our actions. He realizes what we could have if we would just trust him without reserve and give it all to him and what we lose by not doing so.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw3zIA1NJU0  -  This song makes me think of how this has effected me. This storm....God is the only hope.

Song Title - Eye Of The Storm
Artist Name - Ryan Stevenson
Album - Fresh Start

When the solid ground is falling out, from underneath my feet,
Between the black skies and my red eyes, I can barely see
And when I?m feeling like I?ve let down by my friends and my family, I can hear the rain reminding me

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I?m running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When they let me go and I just don?t know how I?m gonna make ends meet
I did my best now I?d scared to death that we might lose everything
And when a sickness takes my child away, and there?s nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You, I trust you Lord

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm



Thank God for his unchanging love. I could never express my gratitude and the joy that flows from having a relationship with God my father. It is beyond anything I have ever experienced. Thank You to everyone who has and is continuing to help me on this journey. I will pray for you all.

 

[malando]

Hi Objectified1,

I don't know if I fall into your category of disgraceful men or not, but I thought I'd say a few words if you don't mind?

You are right, P use is a very selfish, even narcissistic endeavour. It doesn't start out that way, it becomes that way - like death by a thousand cuts. It's not always that people are just wired wrong and go for bad stuff. People are drawn into P for many different reasons. I think for me it was partly due to damaged confidence I got as a youngster in a very harsh family environment. The point being that reliance on P can stem from a very basic need - not just because somebody is a lech or a sex-maniac.

I think you are stuck in the anger phase to some degree. People can sit there for a long time - even if they experience moments of warmth toward their significant other. I suspect that even if your husband has admitted his selfishness and committed to lifelong change, you have some way to go for this anger to dissipate. Your brain needs time to recalibrate after an almighty shock. But what you are responding to is a past event that may bear little resemblance to the man your husband currently is. Try to keep a current inventory of how he seems to be. If you hold him to his past behaviour forever, you will not move forward ever. That would be a terrible shame for the both of you.

We P addicts have been guilty of great selfishness, it's true, but we are also capable of great change. I acknowledge what I've done, and it's because I know that, I'm ultra motivated to change it. I want to respect my wife and daughter to be a man they can respect above all others. I want to be a great example of decency and dignity for my little girl, because I know how important fathers are to daughters in terms of shaping what they expect from men. I must succeed and I will always put their needs before my own from now on.

And since I reached my epiphany about 7 weeks ago, I honestly don't desire other women. I don't want to touch them or have them. There is a practiced circuit in my brain that misses the rush of viewing P - it tempts me at times just to feel that old rush, but I don't desire to be with another woman. I now only focus on my partner when we make love. I'm grateful already to this place because I feel it's bringing me back to an authentic place where I really appreciate the women who I share my life with.

Please keep an open mind about the change potential of even the most selfish man. We can change - if we want to. Try to see things as they are, not how there were and how you fear they might be. I hope the peace of mind you seek and deserve will come your way.

Best Wishes.

PS - your posts have helped me to understand what my actions might have been doing to my partner. It's invaluable to get a female perspective here on the forum - so thank you very much for that insight.