The journey thus far;
Well, first I was so taken off guard. I was crushed. It blew me right off my feet. It was like my life was a mirage and it was all coming down. When he would tell me things at the beginning of his staggered lying disclosure, initially I wouldn't feel anything. Then later it would hit me like a brick. It came in waves I have to say. I was so hurt, I can't even describe the pain I felt.
Regret, oh I regretted the day I said I do, or even before that. I saw this in him and refused to date him for a year because of it. But then I just allowed my heart to get in the way and brushed it off as nothing. Me being ridiculous. All guys look, right? Whats my problem? Looks like I Was wrong. Now I see it was a symptom of a deeper problem and my gut was right. ALWAYS trust your instincts.
Then it was depression....Of course this is not really an accurate list or description, its just some of what I remember.
Depression, deep depression from the realization that I have really been alone my entire marriage. My husband is with me but was never committed to me. Our entire relationship he's been lusting after others and "missing out", while I was feeling completed in him. Makes you feel like the last one in line at gym class that no-one wanted. The last person left to chose got you because there was no-one else left. Like I'm the one he's with, the one he settled for, but if he had the guts or confidence and he was to go after what he REALLY wanted, it wouldn't be me. Its all "those" women he lusts after out there. Im just all that was available to him at the time.
Then the loneliness. Have you ever felt alone while your with someone? Extreme loneliness. I felt so invisible. It was like I felt how he made me invisible for years, when I didnt even know it, all at once, NOW. I felt SO lonely. Theres really no other way to describe it.
Ugly - Wow, did I feel ugly. I still do to a large degree and I don't know why my head can't get out of that space now. I really wish it would. I know its so silly to feel that way. He can't change how I look by how he feels or what he does. If I wasnt ugly before I am not now because he never saw my beauty.
Part of what really hit me so hard, man did it hurt, was when he told me the reason he chose to masturbate to my little sister, who is more then 10 years younger then me. I asked him why, what was so much better about her? Why? He said that she hadn't ruined her body having children. He now says that I put him on the spot and was forcing him to give an answer NOW and so he just said what came to his head, what I always said. I believe him about as much as I believe anything he says....not at all. I said, what makes her body better? He said that he thought her body would be firmer....lovely.
I feel so ugly around any young girls now....especially small girls, which I always was. I am not large now but I definitely could be smaller.
And there were countless other feelings along the way, devalued, humiliated, hateful...Boy I hated him so much, so often. Stupid. I felt so stupid that he did all that behind my back and I had no idea. Did I ever feel stupid.
Angry, that was a big one and one that has lasted the longest thus far. I mean, I still feel all the others to a degree and more so at some times then others. But angry, so angry. I feel like he cheated me. He cheated me so much. If I wasn't his all, why would he say I do? Because he never thought of me. His whole life has evolved around him, everything is about him.
Sad, I am sad. Right now, my feelings are a mix between everything I described but mainly, sad, angry and frustrated. I am sad that this has been our life to date. I am sad for what I never had. I need to move on and concentrate on now, I realize this, but I don't know what I have NOW. What do we have?
I am confused as well. What is love? What should we expect as love? The lovey dovey feeling that everyone thinks is love, I know this is childish and doesn't last a lifetime, nor will it ever keep a relationship. A relationship needs more real lasting things other then wishy washy feelings. But is it really a fairy tale to expect to have a husband that is committed to me and me only? If he loves me while he is lusting after others and masturbating to the thoughts of others, what should I expect when someone DOESN'T love me?? How can I gauge what is or isn't love? I am not expecting wishy washy lovey dovey all over each other love, but WHAT should I expect?? I really can't wrap my head around this. What should I expect when I get married? What does marriage and his love give me? What DO I get from him?
So I feel frustrated over that. I feel angry, but I am starting to just feel sad more then angry...which I think is good. Its easier to think when I am sad and I can talk to him when I am sad. I can talk and just accept that things are as they are. Maybe I am starting to accept it as it is. This is just what I now have as a relationship. Love, what is love?
