Free At Last

[CrowMagnum]

When you're in a difficult or trying moment and don't give in it passes and turns into a better moment.  So long is you don't yield any ground to the addicted part of your brain this pattern will happen and things will continue to progressively get better, a little worse, and better again.  Thankfully, the overall trend is positive.  It is very beneficial to have the outlook and knowledge that you expressed in your last post.  Use it well and keep it in mind when you are experiencing a difficult moment.  Keep up the great work!

 

[Conquistador]

Stay strong man.

The simple fact than you can step back before your situation and observe it with such wisdom makes you strong enought to fight this evil addiction. You'll reach the 2-months mark very soon, and that's great. I'm confident you'll write an OP in the success stories section very soon

 

[PF58]

Well said! I like your analogy comparing the addict with a terrorist! Very apt!!

 

[planet_earth_is_blue]

Over a decade of porn can't be made undone by two months of abstaining and I need to learn patience. If cravings appear, they will pass. If I feel a little step back, I'll take two steps forward the next day. There is still nothing I desire more than breaking free from this addiction and today has been another big step towards reaching my goal.

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Stay strong man! You've got this

Yes - the addiction will try and negotiate with you, and basically it'll always be there. Luckily however, the more time you spend away from it, and replace it with other healthy things, the quieter it'll become and the less power it'll have over you

You're doing great!

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

Thank you so much for your overwhelming support, guys, it really helps me every time I doubt about the effort made to abstain. So, today I'm at:

Day 60 - Two months clean!

It's the third time since I started to try rebooting three years ago that I completed the second month. One and a half year ago I relapsed after ~65 days, last year I made it 75 days. To beat 75 days and reach a new all time high is my short term goal and although I made it past the worth cravings, they still appear from time to time and I must not lower my guard as I did last year.

The most important lesson is to keep in mind: I'm an addict and I always will be. I don't want porn in my life anymore and I would never be able to control it, because it controlled me. Porn subs work as door opener for my addiction, I have to keep eliminating any form of artificial stimulation from my life completely as well. This is still my priority, this is still serious. I will keep visiting this community on a daily basis and stay aware.

Lately I'm back on track eating healthy and doing sports/work out on a daily basis. During the next 30 days I'm going to keep it that way and need some further progress and new goals.

1. My random internet use will be limited to 30 minutes a day. I'll give myself an exact definition of "random" to not negotiate or avoid the rule.

2. Every day I have to do sports and/or work out. Even if it's just 10 minutes at home.

3. My nutrition will remain healthy and sugar free, once a week I allow myself an exception.

4. I will complete reading the two books I started.

5. If I beat my latest high score, I'll allow myself to drink some alcohol again. If I relapse, alcohol will be cut out for another 75 days.

That's it, rules are clear, reboot continues!

 

[achilles heel]

Day 61 - Out of nowhere: Close to relapse

This may sound strange, but just a few hours after posting the promising outlook yesterday, I came close to relapsing. After a stressful situation followed up by a bad mood my brain successfully convinced me to look at the thumbnails I mentioned 5 days ago, when I said I wouldn't negotiate with my addiction. Afterwards I scrolled down my Facebook timeline in hope to find some pics of hot girls, because that way I wasn't actively searching for it. "You're doing well, now give me my stress relief!" said the voice in my head and I obeyed, suddenly realized the path I was going to and switched everything off.

It seems like no matter how much I analyze and anticipate these struggles, they still appear. Porn as a stress relief is so deeply engraved into my mind that I sometimes lose perspective and belief to finally overcome this addiction. But now at least I do have this journal to remind myself of how much effort I'm putting in and where I come from.

The most important lesson is to keep in mind: I'm an addict and I always will be. I don't want porn in my life anymore and I would never be able to control it, because it controlled me. Porn subs work as door opener for my addiction, I have to keep eliminating any form of artificial stimulation from my life completely as well. This is still my priority, this is still serious. I will keep visiting this community on a daily basis and stay aware.

Goals for today: No Facebook, images turned off, no random browsing. This will pass and I will feel stronger afterwards.

 

[CrowMagnum]

The most important lesson is to keep in mind: I'm an addict and I always will be. I don't want porn in my life anymore and I would never be able to control it, because it controlled me. Porn subs work as door opener for my addiction, I have to keep eliminating any form of artificial stimulation from my life completely as well. This is still my priority, this is still serious. I will keep visiting this community on a daily basis and stay aware.

This is poignant and resonates with me entirely. 

Goals for today: No Facebook, images turned off, no random browsing. This will pass and I will feel stronger afterwards.

Indeed, urges are temporary and give rise to an added sense of well being as they pass unindulged.  Good job with taking necessary precautions during a trying day. 

You're doing great, keep up the good work, and keep perspective.  This will pass and you will feel better.

 

[achilles heel]

Day 62 - Emotional void and self-destructive tendencies

Goals for today: No Facebook, images turned off, no random browsing. This will pass and I will feel stronger afterwards.

I should have extended this goal to the next day. Today I came even closer to relapsing by allowing myself to click at some girls' profiles that appeared in the "people you might know"-section at Facebook. Needless to say I broke my rule of less than 30 minutes random browsing right away.

I realize how my relationship doesn't work well anymore and today was another nail in the coffin. It's a question of weeks until it's finally over and realizing this caused an emotional void that swallowed all my motivation. Instead it seems like some self-destructive tendencies took over and now try to lead me step by step to another relapse.

This is my decision now to endure uncomfortable emotions or numb myself and open up a cycle of addiction again.

 

[muhammadtaha2016]

Great.
don't allow yourself to go back there.

 

[achilles heel]

I'll do my best, muhammad, thanks for your support!

Day 63: Getting back on track - now or never!

It seems that when the first barrier is broken, the path to relapse is open. "You already looked at some bikini pics yesterday, there is no deal about it if you check out the people you might know section again", said the addicted brain this morning.

I feel bad about having to admit I looked at some pics again before stopping myself from slipping into that downward spiral. It works always the same way: Thumbnails/Lingerie ads -> Facebook bikini pics -> explicit non-nude pics -> nudes -> porn -> infinite binge session

I'm emotionally unstable at the moment and played with fire again. It is right here that I have to interfere or I won't make it up to day 65. This is the most critical point of this journey so far and I didn't see it coming. Images at my browser will remain switched off for the rest of the week. I hope to turn around and avoid the crash.

 

[Conquistador]

Hey man, thanks for your support on my journal this week end, it made me feel good

It seems that when the first barrier is broken, the path to relapse is open. "You already looked at some bikini pics yesterday, there is no deal about it if you check out the people you might know section again", said the addicted brain this morning.

I know what you mean. But this is not a good reasoning. Everytime to choose not to watch P, or even bikini pics or facebook girls pics, you are one foot closer to who you wanna be.
Having looked at a explicit pics today is no excuse to do it again, you've made it to more than 2 months without PMO and you've got to keep going on this track.

Stay strong man, you're almost there !

 

[achilles heel]

Stay strong man, you're almost there !

Thanks a lot, Conquistador! You are right, I'm 10 days away from my all time record. But as I relapsed back then, there's no safety in sight and probably I'll never be "safe" but have to keep this conscious lifestyle change forever. I'm ready to leave porn behind forever and confirm this decision day after day. Porn is not an option, never solves any problem and is the cause for a lot of damage done to myself. I don't want it in my life anymore.

Day 65 - Back in control

Well, somehow I managed to avoid the big crash during three days of extreme turbulences. I'm quite surprised I did and want to thank all of you for your support, without this journal I would have been at day 0 again. Now, this is no reason to relax, but to analyze the trouble.

I had more free time than usual because of my shifts at work and my relationship problems added some real emotional trouble. The combination of boredom, loneliness and stress almost drove me to relapse. Sounds pretty much the same as in all those other journals I keep reading. The question is: How to avoid it next time?

My intents to control my random internet use failed again and I do have to admit I'm not able to control it. Currently I try to get Cold Turkey running and let technology do what my discipline couldn't.

The good thing about three years of failed reboot intents is that I'm no longer relapsing directly to porn. It always happened step by step as described at my last entry and that way I've got time to interfere before taking a peek at bikini pics turns into deliberately looking at softcore material and escalates to porn in all its varieties. I just have to interfere right at the beginning and keep reminding myself that artificial arousal is not OK, no matter how harmless it might seem.

 

[muhammadtaha2016]

I wish better results for you in future.
keep fighting the beast.

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Achilles!

You're doing great, I have no doubt in you that you will overcome this beast.

I feel part of what messes us up is that we think that our victory will be some big glorious thing with fireworks and such, but I don't think that'll happen. Our victory is very much a daily thing. Every day we have to think "man, look at me, I didn't use porn today" and to be very vigilant in staying away from triggers etc. But also to be relaxed about it. I feel that if we're too stressed and too tense about our reboot succeeding, we'll just end up relapsing sooner or later because we're making it into too big of a thing, you know? Like once we've slain the beast, we truly have to walk away, move on, and not dwell on it.

As for myself, I'm trying to be just that  - very vigilant, and also relaxed. I feel another big thing that keeps tripping me up is my own pride and ego, because if I'm not careful it can come in and say something like "oh, man, I totally have this, I'm totally done with porn - I've conquered this addiction". Once I notice myself thinking something like that, I know that I'll relapse if I'm not careful, because that allows me to let my guard down. Haha. What a strange thing this is hey? Well, it's hard work, but it's worth it!!

I'm sending tons of supprt your way my friend

-Peace

 

[CrowMagnum]

Our victory is very much a daily thing.

Preach, man, preach! That one sentence may be the most inspiring thing I have read on addiction and could not agree with you more, Peace Of Mind.  Let's keeping doing our best to win this battle on the daily. 

Keep up the good work and stay vigilant!

 

[Faptain America]

I visited said page and realized how I didn't really care about its content, but wondered about the missing images. Suddenly I started thinking about turning images on just to see the little thumbnail again, without intentions to actually click on the article. Yes, the addicted part of my brain is THAT desperate and started negotiating. "You can't remove simple images of barely dressed girls forever! They are everywhere anyway!", said the little demon in my brain, but I turned off the browser.

This little doubt (which I was talking about three days ago and should have been warned) started growing

I find at this point I am limited in willpower to stop myself. It's always towards the end of a goal it seems. I know goalkeeping is an important part of this process, but i'm finding it beneficial to not keep track of my goal on a daily basis. Today I hopped on my Habit Bull app and realized I hadn't marked my daily successes for four or five days. I hit the ten day mark today without even noticing! Now, all of a sudden micro-urges are popping up... Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

I'm glad to see you made it through your crisis. I was in the same boat as you at day 17 (not 16 as I thought). I was on here talking about my urges and found myself negotiating. I lost that round. I'm happy that these last 10 days were a breeze, if not a little flat in the line.

Keep up the good work,

-The Faptain

 

[prozilla]

I find at this point I am limited in willpower to stop myself.

-The Faptain

Beautiful. You're almost there.

 

[Faptain America]

Beautiful. You're almost there.

Could you elaborate on that a little more?

 

[achilles heel]

Faptain, you seem to be a prophet. I'm close to my initial goal and I did enter negotiations. I somewhat "won", but the battle left me wounded on the one and stronger on the other hand.

Day 68 - History (almost) repeats itself

Well, somehow I do feel a bit ashamed on writing this entry because I might appear stupid. But at least I know we're all committing stupid mistakes alongside this journey. I came very close to resetting this journal to day 0 and to some degree it was a relapse, but under certain conditions I allow myself to keep counting this streak. I'll explain this later.

Remember how I was about to install Cold Turkey and control my random internet use? Well, it doesn't work on my computer and neither does K9 (same goes for my phone). I was about to search for alternatives but didn't have the time. Later I thought I was back in control and that these restrictions might be over exaggerated anyway. I also needed to switch images on to navigate with my phone and didn't bother to switch them off again later.

Last night a friend drunk-called me at 3am when I was already sleeping. Afterwards I went half-asleep to the toilet and took my phone with me. At an earlier stage I described my big relapse that ended my longest streak.

Ask yourself why a few pictures caused an end to your winning streak. Analyze the reason that this particular bikini pic got you. These things will help you the next time you hit 75 days.

I relapsed due to not taking the threat too serious anymore and allowing myself a little look. Curiosity killed the cat! I looked up the complete pictures at google images, thus opening a never ending collections of pictures and returned to the "buffet" as you described it. The binge set in, I allowed myself to click on a related search and returned to hardcore porn within a many hour lasting session that depressed me so bad, I relapsed over and over again the following days.

I went to the same sports page. A thumbnail of a girl in bikini appeared. I allowed myself to click at the article and through the gallery. As I was really tired, my self-control was seemingly lowered and I copied her name to enter google search. The never ending picture-buffet appeared and I felt a rush through my whole body. I clicked at some more pics, then managed to interfere with a desperate "STOP!" to myself, shut down browser and phone and went back to sleep.

Yes, I did the exact same thing again that led me to relapse last time I hit the third month. The little peeks of last week had lowered the barrier to actually click on a thumbnail and my state of mind while being half asleep allowed the addicted part of my brain to almost lead me back to the abyss. It's a miracle I escaped and I can't explain how stupid I feel.

As a result I searched for web protection alternatives and blocked myself from the above mentioned sports page and Facebook, along my former favorite porn sites (just in case). I kind of threw away the key and won't have the chance to reverse this decision until next week. I remembered a very inspiring video I've seen on someone's journal long ago, that said "99% is a bitch. 100% is a breeze." (I can't search for it at the moment because YouTube is at the list of pages that get blocked after 30 minutes of daily use )

It mentions the little crack you open by allowing yourself a little exception. I now realize how I opened it up when I clicked at a sexy pic last week. Although I don't consider 5 minutes of sexy non-nude pics without M'ing a real damage to my progress, I have to take the 100% rule serious now. Any further deliberately looking at any pic will result in resetting my day-count.

This just turned into my second longest porn-free-streak and as I completely stopped M'ing too for over five weeks now, my formerly dopamine-blasted brain somewhat dries out and fights back with heavy withdrawals I hadn't expected after over two months. I need to stay focussed, I need to take my reboot as serious as possible again and I do have a choice. Porn is not an option, never again. No withdrawal feels worse than a relapse and I won't give in to my addiction.