Faptain, you seem to be a prophet. I'm close to my initial goal and I did enter negotiations. I somewhat "won", but the battle left me wounded on the one and stronger on the other hand.
Day 68 - History (almost) repeats itself
Well, somehow I do feel a bit ashamed on writing this entry because I might appear stupid. But at least I know we're all committing stupid mistakes alongside this journey. I came very close to resetting this journal to day 0 and to some degree it was a relapse, but under certain conditions I allow myself to keep counting this streak. I'll explain this later.
Remember how I was about to install Cold Turkey and control my random internet use? Well, it doesn't work on my computer and neither does K9 (same goes for my phone). I was about to search for alternatives but didn't have the time. Later I thought I was back in control and that these restrictions might be over exaggerated anyway. I also needed to switch images on to navigate with my phone and didn't bother to switch them off again later.
Last night a friend drunk-called me at 3am when I was already sleeping. Afterwards I went half-asleep to the toilet and took my phone with me. At an earlier stage I described my big relapse that ended my longest streak.
achilles heel said:
Faptain America said:
Ask yourself why a few pictures caused an end to your winning streak. Analyze the reason that this particular bikini pic got you. These things will help you the next time you hit 75 days.
I relapsed due to not taking the threat too serious anymore and allowing myself a little look. Curiosity killed the cat! I looked up the complete pictures at google images, thus opening a never ending collections of pictures and returned to the "buffet" as you described it. The binge set in, I allowed myself to click on a related search and returned to hardcore porn within a many hour lasting session that depressed me so bad, I relapsed over and over again the following days.
I went to the same sports page. A thumbnail of a girl in bikini appeared. I allowed myself to click at the article and through the gallery. As I was really tired, my self-control was seemingly lowered and I copied her name to enter google search. The never ending picture-buffet appeared and I felt a rush through my whole body. I clicked at some more pics, then managed to interfere with a desperate "STOP!" to myself, shut down browser and phone and went back to sleep.
Yes, I did the exact same thing again that led me to relapse last time I hit the third month. The little peeks of last week had lowered the barrier to actually click on a thumbnail and my state of mind while being half asleep allowed the addicted part of my brain to almost lead me back to the abyss. It's a miracle I escaped and I can't explain how stupid I feel.
As a result I searched for web protection alternatives and blocked myself from the above mentioned sports page and Facebook, along my former favorite porn sites (just in case). I kind of threw away the key and won't have the chance to reverse this decision until next week. I remembered a very inspiring video I've seen on someone's journal long ago, that said "99% is a bitch. 100% is a breeze." (I can't search for it at the moment because YouTube is at the list of pages that get blocked after 30 minutes of daily use
It mentions the little crack you open by allowing yourself a little exception. I now realize how I opened it up when I clicked at a sexy pic last week. Although I don't consider 5 minutes of sexy non-nude pics without M'ing a real damage to my progress, I have to take the 100% rule serious now. Any further deliberately looking at any pic will result in resetting my day-count.
This just turned into my second longest porn-free-streak and as I completely stopped M'ing too for over five weeks now, my formerly dopamine-blasted brain somewhat dries out and fights back with heavy withdrawals I hadn't expected after over two months. I need to stay focussed, I need to take my reboot as serious as possible again and I do have a choice. Porn is not an option, never again. No withdrawal feels worse than a relapse and I won't give in to my addiction.